Emma Part 1 of 3: When You Think Your Kid is Manipulating You

Today is the first of three sessions with Emma who is a mom of 4 children in a blended family. Henelly, her 7 year old daughter is from her first marriage. Emma and her second husband have 3 year old twins, Grayson and Claire and a new baby, Olivia.  Emma reached out for therapy concerned that Henelly is manipulating her. Parents may often feel this way but it's a serious accusation.  Leslie unpacks that word and explores how Emma’s past experiences are influencing the way she interprets her child’s communication style.  And there’s more to this episode which includes when parents feel helpless, when kids give voice to the fighting refrain -  “it’s mine, no, it’s mine” and those seldom-working promises that you make with your children.


Time Stamps

• 4:30 Reframing the word manipulation - children are designed to get their needs. 
• 7:10 Varying communication skills - nonverbal to indirect to direct 
• 9:58 Examples of dialectic dilemmas - clearly articulate the dilemma
• 13:00 Reinforce the behavior you want more of. 
• 15:15 The continuum of nonverbal to indirect to direct
• 21:20. The parent trap of promises
• 22:43 Use the phrase “what's going to happen when….”
• 25:00 How to give your child some healthy ways to be in "control"
• 28:00 Reasons why children take on the role of parenting
• 25;45 The feeling of being trapped is a terrible feeling. The antidote is identifying some options. 
• 35:25 The unintended consequences of possessiveness of toys and finding a balance between mine and ours

Resources:  

• DBT Handout on levels of intensity for making a request 
• Video on Levels of intensity for making a request

Leslie-ism: Fostering effective communication means learning to speak your child’s language. 

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Mia Warren, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.