Louise & George Part 2 of 3: Parenting Your Child Without Punishments or Rewards

Louise and George have committed to parenting without force and want to parent without punishments or rewards, but what happens when their six year old Anna has what feels like never-ending tantrums? In her second session with them, Leslie reinforces the importance of connection, and sheds light on the pressures Anna may be putting on herself. Leslie also continues her conversation with George about helping him find joy in parenting. In an incredibly honest and vulnerable conversation, they talk about what it feels like when there’s a favored parent, what might be causing this behavior, and what Dad should do to change that.

Time Stamps

• 2:34 How a child’s frustrating attributes will be beautiful qualities when they’re an adult
• 4:05 How noticing and naming a child’s behavior can be effective in helping them change it
• 6:18 Example of how connecting with your child increases cooperation
• 8:27 Defining processing speed
• 9:10 Dealing with what parents would call “temper tantrums,” or what Leslie would say is a child having trouble regulating their emotions
• 12:35 How feeling trapped negatively affects mental health
• 15:45 It’s all about connection and disconnection
• 16:03 Staying one step ahead: Identifying and naming your child’s vulnerabilities as prompting events
• 18:40 How to not reinforce unwanted behaviors by not giving in, but inadvertently reinforcing behavior by ignoring it
• 21:57 Speaking to your child’s expectations that maybe they’re not even aware of 
• 24:04 Teaching your child a T graph: when does this quality work for you, when does it not
• 28:07 Discussion of different parenting approaches 
• 29:10 Children have a common worry of disappointing their parents
• 33:30 Relationship between mom and child vs dad and child
• 35:35 The challenges of co-parenting: when one parent feels invalidated by the other

Resources:  

• Leslie’s Handout: “Staying One Step Ahead of your Child”
• Leslie's Handout: A Visual Presentation of Family Organization
• Leslie’s Handout: Using a T-Graph to Understand our Qualities and our Emotions

Leslie-ism: Try to stay one step ahead of your child.

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Mia Warren, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.