Sarah Part 1 of 3: When your Teen is a Great Negotiator

Welcome to Season 3!  We start this season off with a family from Australia.  Sarah is a mom of 2 boys- James is 12, Noah is 15, Sarah and her husband are both ex-military personnel which has a direct impact on their parenting.  In today’s episode we discuss how Sarah’s parenting style matches with James who has been recently diagnosed with ADHD, Autism, and Oppositional Defiance Disorder. Many parents can  probably relate to Sarah who tween is a really good negotiator especially when it comes to getting off video games. We explore the big picture concept of the parent-child fit. I also discuss and teach practical skills including setting the stage, coping ahead, and brainstorming to support Sarah in her parenting. 

Time Stamps

6:18 How a parent feels when a child is defiant:

7:30 When a parent is works on rules and boundaries and command and your child doesn’t work that way

8:55  Children who work well with predictability and structure like knowing what will happen and when it will happen and how it's going to happen.

10:30 Sarah changes her words from “his emotional regulation problems” to emotional regulation that is still developing

11:36 Raising an obedient child is different from raising a responsible child

11:41- 14:40 1When a parent thinks that a child’s behavior is a reflection of them (personalizing their behavior) and which leads to mom-guilt

17:00 When parents get diagnosis for their child and when they fear how their child will respond to a diagnosis

18:32 Describing the concept of a “good fit” between the child and the parent as well as the child and its school environment

20:42 The difference between a validating environment and an invalidating environment

23:49   Turn the volume down on the  “shoulds” and increase the volume up on the learning. What have I learned from this?  - A learning model of raising kids

26:55 When your child is an avid gamer and the challenges associated with it.

28:35 Describing a skill called “Setting the Stage” - prepare your child for what is likely to happen and how they will respond vs how they want to respond

30:50 An example of using the brainstorming skill

34:47 Don’t judge the big emotional reactions, just plan for it

35:50 A description of the Cope Ahead Skill (from Dialectic Behavior Therapy) 

38:10 Practicing skills over and over again is what makes them effective

39:00 Parenting is a long-term investment 

Resources:  

Leslie’s Handout: Understanding the Parent Child Fit

Leslie’s Handout: Misbehavior is a form of communication

Leslie’s Handout: Raising a Responsible Child vs Raising an Obedient Child                     Dialectic Behavior Therapy Cope Ahead Skill Handout

Leslie-ism: Take a look at your parent-child fit,

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. 

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produ