Your Parenting Mojo - Respectful, research-based parenting ideas to help kids thrive

Do you sometimes wish your co-parent would join you on the respectful parenting journey you’re on? Would things be easier if you were on the same page? Does it seem like you try to convince them using all the research you’ve done respectful parenting…only to have them throw up the “I don’t think we have to make a big deal out of this” card? Sarah and Declan had this dynamic in their relationship too.   Knowing each other well isn’t always enough They met when they were 10 and have been together for 15 years, so they know each other pretty well.  They had even talked about their values before they got married, and found alignment on many of them.   But Declan is a psychologist working with children and families, so he got the Big Veto.  (It turns out that psychology training focuses on evidence-based strategies to change behavior…which isn’t that hard to do with rewards and punishments.  I think a lot of psychologists show up in my programs because they realize that “evidence-based” doesn’t necessarily mean “good for us” or “aligned with my values”).   Sarah was struggling with the transition from two to three children, along with Declan’s full-time work, her own part-time work, and a major home renovation - they haven’t had a functional kitchen in two years.Sarah knew she needed more support…but Declan wasn’t sure.  Until he realized that when you’re on a team, you don’t tell an injured player to suck it up.  You can’t tell the parent who is struggling to figure it out by themselves.  We all have a role to play in a family that meets everyone’s needs.   A way to repair ruptures that meets both of their needs This was most apparent when Sarah would say something critical, causing a temporary rupture…and then would desperately try to repair, wanting to talk it out then and there so she could reestablish connection with him, in a reenactment of her anxious attachment relationship with her mother.   Declan didn’t find that connecting at all…he saw that she was trying to make herself feel better, not to reconnect with him, and he would retreat - the exact opposite of what she was looking for from him.   On a group coaching call a few months ago we worked through an example of this dynamic - and found a way to help them reestablish connection that worked for both of them that has made a profound difference in their ability to navigate conflict.  They discuss how it has worked for them in this new episode.   Parenting Membership  This isn't a course that you take once and forget, and things go back to the way they always were.Whenever you get off-track, or when a new challenge pops up, we're here to support and guide you for as long as you're a member.   Join the waitlist and we'll let you know when enrollment reopens in May 2026. Click the banner below to learn more.       Jump to highlights 01:20 Introduction of this episode’s guests 01:44 Basic information about Sarah and Declan’s family 02:27 Sarah’s childhood experiences and the intergenerational trauma that affected her family 07:25 Declan’s family dynamic which was not emotionally open or supportive 09:20 Declan talks about his experiences with his authoritarian father 10:30 What it was like being together for a long time and then becoming parents 11:21 What Sarah and Declan consider as the most important values they had as a family, as well as the effective parenting strategy that worked during their early years of parenthood 12:44 The challenges of transitioning to having older babies 15:19 Some challenging interactions with the kids 17:03 Declan is the stabilizing force in the family 18:41 How Declan responds to Sarah’s emotional stress 21:20 How they approach certain situations and have learned from each other's feedback 22:06 finding a balance between having a structured decision-making process and ensuring that each one is heard 23:14 How patriarchy shows up in their decision making 23:53 How their shared values allowed them to work together despite their differences 26:44 How Sarah managed to convince  Declan to join the Parenting Membership 28:52 Declan appreciates the flexibility of Parenting Membership that allows members to choose their level of engagement with the content 31:12 How being part of the Parenting Membership differs from just listening to podcasts 32:47 How the  community aspect of the Parenting Membership helps 38:58 How relationship patterns can impact difficult conversations between partners 40:38 How the Parenting Membership has made a huge difference in their parenting dynamics 50:31 How Sarah has changed to becoming less triggered 52:57 Wrapping up  

Recently, a number of parents in the Parenting Membership have posted in our community about challenges they've faced that they've navigated with grace that would have seemed insurmountable a couple of years ago.   Many of these are parents of children who are already through the toddler stage, and the parents are starting to see the tools they've been using come alive in their interactions with their children.   I thought: There's a podcast episode in that!   I asked parents to submit short videos to me responding to the question: What do you wish you had known about parenting when your children were young?   The resulting videos are collected, along with my commentary, in this week's episode.   The insights that these parents offer are profound. I don't want to give too much away, but let's just say that you're not going to hear advice about a must-have crib or wipe warmer or toy.   This is advice about: How we see ourselves What is our role as parents to guide our children without shaping them How we can be whole, fulfilled people ourselves when there's so much pressure on us to be a 'good parent'   If you want to hear from parents who share your values and who have been in it for a while to know what's worth worrying about and what isn't, this episode is for you.   Parenting Membership  If parenting feels really hard, and it seems like you’ve read all the books and you’ve asked for advice in free communities and you’re tired of having to weed through all the stuff that isn’t aligned with your values to get to the few good nuggets, then the Parenting Membership will help you out.   Join the waitlist and we'll let you know when enrollment reopens in May 2026. Click the banner to learn more.       Other episodes referenced in this episode: 079: What is RIE? 084: The Science of RIE 085: White privilege in schools SYPM 010: From anxious overwhelm to optimistic calm   Jump to highlights 01:40 Introduction of this episode’s topic 02:25 Jen admits that she didn't give much consideration to parenting before her daughter, Carys, was born 03:17 Jen shares how her journey into respectful parenting started through RIE 04:42 Parent Elizabeth reflects on her experience and shares what she wished she had known about parenting 06:33 The impact of unhealed trauma is reflected in the way we parent our children 07:21 How the arrival of a child can shift the balance in a relationship leading to conflict, even if both partners entered into the partnership as equals 09:05 The dynamics of patriarchal relationships 10:09 Parent Jenny reflects on her experience and shares what she wished she had known about parenting during the time she wasn't prioritizing her own need for sleep 12:29 Discussion on how patriarchal power structures can play out within the context of parenting and caregiving 13:48 Parent Jenny's decision to prioritize rest shows that her need for rest is legitimate and important 14:19 Our child expresses their unmet need by hitting 15:33 Parent Anne reflects on her visions about parenting and shares what she wished she had known about parenting 18:45 What is “Opportunity hoarding” among White parents 20:48 Parent Iris reflects on her parenting experience 22:33 The pressure that parents put on themselves that creates enormous pressure 23:50 Parent Iris realizes that buying things to solve parenting problems is not always the answer 25:14 The privilege that some parents have in terms of how they are perceived by society and the consequences they may face for certain choices 26:11 Parent Anne shares what she wished she had known about her interactions with her mom, her husband, and her child 29:53 Parent Anne shares her struggles with setting boundaries 31:14 Parent Anne's journey to becoming a better parent and healing from her own trauma 33:58 Parent Laura shares her son's potty problems and what she wished she had known about potty learning 37:13 Parent Laura highlights the importance of trusting your intuition and problem-solving skills as a parent 38:20 Respectful and gentle parenting as a tool to build a good relationship with our child 39:09 Parent Lucinda reflects on her experience and shares what she wished she had known about parenting 41:56 How understanding one's own needs is crucial for being able to have authentic relationships with family and community 43:24 Parent Melissa reflects on her experience and shares what she wished she had known about parenting 45:51 The benefits of being in an ACTion group in the Parenting Membership 47:14 Parent Benson reflects on his experience and shares what he wished he had known about parenting 48:51 Parent Amanda reflects on her experience and shares what she wished she had known about parenting 50:35 The importance of having a plan in parenting 52:03 Parent Elizabeth shares her realization that parenting is a continuous learning process 53:18 The importance of learning new skills to do things differently 55:34 Invitation to join the Parenting Membership  

This podcast episode explores frustrating behavior in children, offering strategies for parents to manage and resolve it. The host shares personal experiences and advice on understanding children's needs, responding with compassion, and setting effective limits. It emphasizes the importance of connection and offers resources for seeking help.

Giving choices’ is a hot tool in the respectful parenting world.  In the scripts, it usually goes like this:   Child: “I want a snack!” Parent: “OK!  Would you like an apple or a banana?” Child: “A banana, please!” And the parent hands over the banana. But when you actually try it in your own home, it usually looks more like this: Your child:: “I want a snack!” You: “OK! Would you like an apple or a banana?” Your child: “I want cookies!”   WHY IS THAT?!  Why does it never ‘work’ the way it’s supposed to?  Why doesn’t our child follow the script? There’s a simple and easy reason, and in this episode I break it down - and teach you the effective tool to use instead of giving choices.   Questions this episode will answer Why do parenting experts recommend giving choices to kids? Giving choices is often recommended as a "magic bullet" for getting kids to cooperate. In theory, offering limited options should give kids a sense of control while still getting them to do what you want. But there's more to why this strategy often falls flat in real homes with real kids.   What happens in real life when I try giving choices to my toddler? Scenarios in parenting books show a child happily picking a banana when offered "apple or banana." But in real life, this usually goes differently - your child wants a cookie instead! The episode reveals why this disconnect happens and how to address it.   How does giving choices change as kids get older? With older kids, the choices we offer often become more complex and loaded with hidden expectations. For example, telling a child to "choose one physical activity" carries assumptions about what's best for them. The episode explores how these underlying messages affect your relationship with your child.   Should I use choices to motivate my child to do homework? When we say things like "Do homework now and you'll be able to get screen time sooner," we're not really addressing what's behind the procrastination. We look at fascinating research about what procrastination actually means and why this approach misses the mark.   Why does my child never follow the script when I give them choices? Children have their own needs and desires that don't magically disappear when we present limited options. The podcast examines how children sense when choices aren't genuine and why they push back. It's actually a healthy part of their development!   What's the connection between rewards and giving choices? The episode makes an interesting link to research about rewards and their effects on children's motivation. There's a surprising similarity between giving choices and offering rewards that most parents never consider.   What can I do instead of giving choices that actually works? The episode introduces a framework that works for any interaction with your child. Whether it's offering clothes to a toddler or managing a teen's screen time. This approach respects both your needs and your child's, creating more authentic collaboration.   How do I know if the choices I'm offering are helpful or harmful? Some choices respect your child's autonomy, and some are just disguised attempts to control their behavior. The episode helps you spot the difference and adjust your approach accordingly.   Why do some children respond well to choices while others rebel? Every child has different needs, temperament, and ways of expressing themselves. The episode explains why understanding your unique child matters more than following any specific technique or parenting script.   What you'll learn in this episode Why the popular parenting strategy of giving choices often fails in real life, even though parenting experts recommend it! The key difference between how choices work in demonstration videos versus what happens in your actual home with your kids How presenting limited options can actually override your child's natural self-regulation abilities The surprising connection between choices and motivation. Using choices to get homework done can backfire! How choices change and get more complicated as children grow older. Learn what adjustments to make to your technique The hidden agenda behind many of the choices we offer our children. Kids can sense when choices aren't genuine A more effective alternative framework that works for every interaction with your child. F snack time to homework to curfews, we've got you covered! The tool that replaces the scripts that don't work How to move beyond power struggles to create more authentic collaboration with your child   Do you have a child aged 1 – 10? Are they resisting, ignoring you, and talking back at every request you make?   Do you often feel frustrated, annoyed, and even angry with them? Are you desperate for their cooperation – but don’t know how to get it?   If your children are constantly testing limits, the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop is for you.   Go from constant struggles and nagging to a new sense of calm & collaboration. I will teach you how to set limits, but we’ll also go waaaay beyond that to learn how to set fewer limits than you ever thought possible.   Sign up for the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop.   Click the banner to learn more.       Other episodes referenced in this episode 086: Playing to Win: How does playing sports impact children? 170: How to stop procrastinating with Dr. Fuschia Sirois.  075: Should we go ahead and heap rewards on our kid?    Jump to highlights: (00:54)Many parenting coaches recommend giving children choices as a way to get them to cooperate. (02:43)The effectiveness of using choices to our children (05:47)Reasons why giving choices makes us lose the possibility of meeting both of our needs (08:01)How using choices motivates children to do the things they wouldn’t want to do (09:00)Why choices teach children consequences (09:40)Benefits of using true empathy (10:26)Giving choices to negotiate how children will do a chore/task (11:55)The use of rewards to motivate children fails to consider both the child’s and parent’s needs, leading to resentment and missed opportunity for making real choices (13:28)Giving choices as a win-win situation (14:05)The choices parents give often do not meet the child’s needs (17:08)Distinguishing between needs and strategies (19:01)The importance of meeting both our and our children’s needs (20:34)Ben shares his struggles before joining the Setting Limits workshop (22:55)Ben shares how effective the tools he learned in the Setting Limits workshop (26:29)Deon shares her experience after joining the Setting Limits workshop (27:01) An open invitation to join the Setting Loving (&Effective!) Limits masterclass

  If there’s one topic that never fails to rile parents up, it’s sibling fighting. Why does it affect us so much?  (There are two main reasons.) Why is this happening, and what can we do about it?  There are two main reasons, and one strategy to use with each reason. That’s it! There are not an infinite number of reasons why this is happening, or an infinite number of things to try to get it to stop. This episode will help you to identify the cause of the fighting, and how to make it stop. Sound too good to be true?  It isn’t.  Check out what parents have said about the workshop and sign up:   Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits Do you have a child aged 1 - 10? Are they resisting, ignoring you, and talking back at every request you make? Do you often feel frustrated, annoyed, and even angry with them? Are you desperate for their cooperation - but don't know how to get it? If your children are constantly testing limits, the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop is for you. Go from constant struggles and nagging to a new sense of calm & collaboration. I will teach you how to set limits, but we'll also go way beyond that to learn how to set fewer limits than you ever thought possible. Sign up for the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop.   Click the banner to learn more.       Jump to highlights: 02:07 Challenges of having multiple children 03:39 How parents' reactions to their children's fighting can be influenced by their own past experiences with their siblings. 07:00 The need to make pause before reacting to a child’s behavior 07:52 Understanding the causes of siblings fight 08:34 A fictitious story about a sibling fight to show two possible scenarios that may result from two opposing reactions from a parent 10:40 Scenario 1: Parent explodes and blames one child as aggressor during sibling fight 12:10Scenario 2: Parent makes a pause, remains calm, does not blame anyone 15:00 Importance of having an empathetic discussion with your children 20:45 The struggles of Adrianna and Tim began when a new child was added to the family. 24:46 How Parenting Membership help Adrianna and Tim 25:54 Adrianna shares how bodhi shows his empathy towards her sister 27:35 How adding a sibling rocks an older child’s world 28:42 What are some ways to support our older child in managing challenging emotions so that they continue to feel valued and loved by us. 31:24 Sibling fight as a child’s unskillful strategy to getting their needs met 33:55 Figuring out the commonly unmet needs of our children 35:05 The answer to a child’s unmet needs:  Spend 1:1 time with them 36:25 The importance of letting the child direct your ‘special time’ 37:48 Why parents shouldn’t treat all their children in the same way 39:16 Adrianna’s reflections

This Q&A episode comes from a special education preschool teacher had listened to the Why We Shouldn’t Read The Your X-Year-Old Child books anymore, and wondered: My first thought was: There’s no way I’m touching that question, because I don’t have the relevant qualifications and I’ll get torn apart.I’ve been in some groups for Autistic parents for several months now, and one thing that’s abundantly clear is that qualified professionals use ‘treatments’ for Autistic children that these now-grown up people describe as abuse (and believe me; I don’t use that word lightly.  It’s a direct quote from many different people).So if the qualified professionals are using methods that the people who have experienced them call abusive, I think I have a responsibility to at least offer thoughts for parents to consider as they’re navigating the process of diagnosis and treatment.Too often, parents are pushed to take their child directly from diagnosis to treatment, as if we’re missing some critical window of opportunity.  But what if no treatment was sometimes the best option?I don’t consider this episode to be The Final Word on What Parents Should Do.  It’s more of a conversation starter…a way to raise some ideas that parents might not hear from the doctors who are pushing them toward treatment as fast as possible.   Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits   Do you have a child aged 1 - 10? Are they resisting, ignoring you, and talking back at every request you make? Do you often feel frustrated, annoyed, and even angry with them? Are you desperate for their cooperation - but don't know how to get it? If your children are constantly testing limits, the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop is for you.   Go from constant struggles and nagging to a new sense of calm & collaboration. I will teach you how to set limits, but we'll also go waaaay beyond that to learn how to set fewer limits than you ever thought possible. Sign up for the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop.   Click the banner to learn more.       Jump to highlights 02:20 Parent Jessie’s question about her child 03:13 Listener Teacher’s question about intervention and therapy among children with Autism 05:42 The purpose why Autism support groups exist 06:25 The negative impacts of Applied Behavior Analysis (ABA) Therapy to children with Autism 07:32 The rush to get a child into therapy 08:33 The Medical Model of Therapy 09:27 Therapy and Capitalism 10:01 Consider joining communities for support before getting into therapy 12:09 First point to consider before getting a child into therapy:  We are all neurologically different 13:05 Second point to consider before getting a child into therapy:  The aim of therapy 16:38 Third point to consider before getting a child into therapy:  The benefit of therapy to the child 20:24 The need for a child’s active (verbal/nonverbal) consent to therapy 24:44 The impact of family environment on a child in therapy 26:56 Finding the appropriate therapy for very young children

If you're anything like me, navigating conflict comes pretty easily to you. You always know what to say to make your point in a tone that's firm but still inviting, right? You listen for the purpose of understanding the other person and don't just use the time while the other person is speaking to form your own rebuttal? You never get overwhelmed, and maintain your own sense of boundaries even when the discussion argument gets really heated?   (Yeah, me either, really...)   A few months ago I put out a request for folks who disagree with me on a social issue to let me know if they would be willing to come and discuss the topic with me on a podcast episode.   I had just read Mónica Guzmán's book I Never Thought Of It That way, which concludes with an invitation to practice the tools she teaches about navigating conflict more effectively, and I thought: "Well, let's do it!" Mónica agreed to moderate a conversation and I put out a call for folks to participate...   ...and let's just say that the silence was deafening.   (And I was kind of disappointed. I mean, you all are a pretty opinionated bunch, right? And I KNOW some of you disagree with me about some things...)   The one person who responded was parent Lulu, who wrote: "I do admit that I disagree with your recent focus on White privilege and how it seems to make its way into almost every episode. Yes, it’s something to be aware of, but I don’t want that awareness to drive many of my and my kids' decisions and conversations."   Of course my first thought was "Well, you're wrong," but when I responded: "Tell me more!" she added that she sees topics like school, behavior, nutrition, empathy, and other factors as all more important than discussing White privilege on a regular basis.   "Super," I said. "Let's talk."   So we each prepared for the conversation using a framework described in Mónica's book, and as we were talking Mónica pointed out what we were doing well (and shockingly few things we weren't doing well) to build our mutual understanding.   I think it's safe to say we both got more out of it than we had anticipated. We recorded it several weeks ago and I also recorded a postscript with some thoughts on the conversation as well as how we might apply the ideas we used in less structured situations we find ourselves in on a regular basis.   This episode will help you to understand people who are important to you even when they have ideas that are very different from yours, and find common ground so you can work, play, and be together.   Mónica Guzmán's book I Never Thought Of It That Way (Affiliate link)         Jump to Highlights   01:01 Introducing today’s guest   02:39 This episode demonstrates using Monica's tools for productive conversations with differing views.   03:38 The 'conversation dial, EPACT, helps assess and enhance productive discussions by considering factors like full communication, equal platform footing, focused attention, contained conversations, and timing.   08:36 The conversation between Jen and Lulu is set to begin with a commitment to trust and exploring ideas in an open environment. They set the stage by discussing their objectives.    13:51 They engage in an eight-minute back-and-forth discussion, where they reflect on what they've learned about each other's perspectives.   36:43 They delve into the complexities of their roles in addressing interconnected issues like White supremacy, ecology, and consumerism, recognizing areas of uncertainty while aiming for a deeper understanding of each other's viewpoints.   44:09 Monica praised Jen and Lulu for their open and respectful dialogue, noting their effective use of clarifying questions and their willingness to discuss sensitive issues.    46:30 Lulu and Jen expressed their appreciation for the enlightening conversation, noting the importance of respect and curiosity when discussing challenging topics.  52:42 Wrapping up the discussion  

Do you ever have that voice in your head that tells you things like: "You shouldn't have laid in bed for so long; you should have got up earlier to get ready for the day"? Or how about: "You shouldn't let your kids watch TV; good mothers don't let their kids watch TV"? Or: "If I was any good at this parenting thing, my kids wouldn't fight with each other"? If you do, have you noticed that sometimes that voice comes out when you talk to your children, in that exasperated, shaming voice: "Why would you do that?" If you have, you're not alone. My guest for this episode is parent Katie, who is a therapist with a Master's in Counseling. She's specifically trained in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, which is a method of changing people's behavior - essentially by teaching them to ignore their body's signals of fear and anxiety. Despite knowing everything there is to know about how to change a person's behavior, Katie still struggled as she transitioned from two to three children, and was suddenly dealing with massive sleep deprivation, the oldest child biting the middle child, and a whole lot of yelling (both from the children and from her). She got to the point where she realized: "I can't keep doing this. We can't keep functioning in this way. And I wish I didn't react so strongly but I don't know what else to do." Katie shares some massive transitions she's made over the last year, including: Realizing her body's surprising signal that she's feeling overwhelmed in a situation Her transition from constantly snapping at her children to being patient and THEN snapping to being able to change course even in the middle of a difficult interaction Ways that she gets frustration out before it erupts over her children (which models healthy coping habits for them, too!) A non-cognitive shift (based in her body, not just in her brain)around seeing the systems we live in as an important reason why things are so hard for parents, which means it isn't her fault things are hard How seeing her needs in a new way helped her to heal her inner critic - which is still there, but has much less power over her now than it used to Our inner critics don't appear out of nowhere; they're formed out of the voices of our parents and other people who are important to us. Katie told me after we turned off the recording that her parents - who were good, loving parents - wanted to make Katie's life as easy as possible - which often meant presenting a sanitized view of her hair, her clothing, and her sexuality to the outside world. If you do what's expected, other people won't make your life harder - but those 'criticisms' have now become her own internalized voice, making it harder for her to show up as her real, authentic self. Her oldest son has food allergies but Katie feels guilty asking for accommodations for him that other people might think are 'too much.'  Standing up for her son's needs has taught her how to stand up for her own needs - now she knows she wants to be part of creating a society that sees and meets everyone's needs, rather than forcing the outliers to fit into a traditional mold. This episode is a must-listen for parents who are having a hard time and who think it's their fault. It isn't your fault.     Taming Your Triggers  If you need help with your own big feelings about your child's behavior, Taming Your Triggers will reopen soon. We'll help you to: Understand the real causes of your triggered feelings, and begin to heal the hurts that cause them Use new tools like the ones Katie describes to find ways to meet both her and her children's needs Effectively repair with your children on the fewer instances when you are still triggered It's a 10-week workshop with one module delivered every week, an amazing community of like-minded parents, a match with an AccountaBuddy to help you complete the workshop, and mini-mindfulness practices to re-ground yourself repeatedly during your days, so you're less reactive and more able to collaborate with your children.   Sign up for the waitlist and we'll let you know once enrollment re-opens. Click the image below to learn more.     Other episodes mentioned in this episode Healing and Helping with Mutual Aid   Jump to highlights (04:35) What parenting was like for parent Katie in her early days. (16:25) The reason why she enrolled for Taming Your Triggers a second time. (21:10) The window of tolerance. (27:39) How the nonviolent communication impacted her inner critic. (45:43) taming Your Triggers and changing behavior. (52:41) Navigating vulnerability and community.  

  In this episode I take a look at the main reasons why we have these hard days - from our child's temperament to our temperament to attachment relationships, trauma, and neurodivergences - all of these intersect especially tightly on the hard days.   Then we look at three ways to get through these days with a little more grace - and maybe even without having to apologize to your child at the end of it.   Taming Your Triggers  Ready to break free from the cycle of triggered reactions and conflict in your parenting journey? If you want to: 😟 Be triggered less often by your child’s behavior, 😐 React from a place of compassion and empathy instead of anger and frustration, 😊 Respond to your child from a place that’s aligned with your values rather than reacting in the heat of the moment, the Taming Your Triggers workshop will help you make this shift. Join us to transform conflict into connection and reclaim peace in your parenting journey. In addition to the core content, we'll have the option for you to match with one or two AccountaBuddies to hold you (gently!) accountable to finish the workshop, a roadmap and flow chart so you can see how the pieces all fit together, and some super short audio recordings to help you 'come back to center' throughout the day. The entire experience is designed to help you not just learn new ideas, but to really take them on and use them in your everyday life. Sign up for the waitlist and we'll let you know once enrollment re-opens. Click the image below to learn more.     Jump to highlights (02:44) It can be difficult when we have a temperament mismatch (03:25) But having the same temperament can also be difficult (04:36) Children will often take on a role in the family (05:29) Our attachment style impacts how we perceive other people’s behavior (10:40) Making a non-cognitive shift so you see difficult days differently (21:05) We don’t always have to fix everything in the moment (25:59) The challenges to meeting your needs more often (29:43) The part we often forget is that your child has needs as well   [accordion] [accordion-item title="Click here to read the full transcript"]   Jessica 00:03 Do you get tired of hearing the same old intros to podcast episodes? Me too. Hi, I'm not Jen. I'm Jessica, and I'm in Burlesque Panama. Jen has just created a new way for listeners to record the introductions to podcast episodes, and I got to test it out. There's no other resource out there quite like Your Parenting Mojo, which doesn't just tell you about the latest scientific research on parenting and child development, but puts it in context for you as well, so you can decide whether and how to use this new information. If you'd like to get new episodes in your inbox, along with a free infographic on 13 reasons your child isn't listening to you and what to do about each one, sign up at yourparentingmojo.com/subscribe and come over to our free Facebook group to continue the conversation about this episode. You can also thank Jen for this episode by donating to keep the podcast ad free by going to the page for this or any other episode on yourparentingmojo.com. If you'd like to start a conversation with someone about this episode or know someone who would find it useful, please forward it to them. Overtime, you're going to get sick of hearing me read this intro as well, so come and record one yourself. You can read from a script she's provided or have some real fun with it and write your own. Just go to yourparentingmojo.com and click read the intro. I can't wait to hear yours.   Jen Lumanlan 01:26 Hello and welcome to the Your Parenting Mojo podcast.  Today I want to talk about the hard days that we have as parents.  The days when we’re trying our absolute best to do this parenting thing right, but still it seems like it isn’t enough.  What do we do on those days?  How can we get through them with some grace?  How can we know they aren’t hurting our children, or our relationship with our children?  In this episode I want to think through some of these things with you.  We’re going to take a closer look at what causes some of these hard days, and then I’m going to offer three main ideas to help you navigate those hard days to make them a little easier for you.   Jen Lumanlan 02:01 So I know that our children’s challenges can be really big.  Even when they’re having a good day they can be bouncy and exuberant and joyful and loud, and when we’re having a good day that can be a lot to deal with.  Maybe our own parents looked at the qualities we had and found difficult to deal with and told us that those would be great qualities when we’re adults and they become marketable – things like our ‘answering back,’ which would one day make us a great lawyer – simultaneously legitimizing what they saw as an annoying habit of ours and anticipating a day when they would be recognized as ‘good parents’ for raising a ‘successful’ child.  Even if we aren’t doing that, and we can see how our child’s qualities are good qualities today, that doesn’t mean that they’re always easy to live with.    Jen Lumanlan 02:44 I think this can be especially difficult when we have a temperament mismatch – which can mean we have the opposite temperament as our child, or sometimes it can even mean we have a similar temperament.  So if we don’t like to be active a lot of the time, and we like to do the same things at pretty much the same time every day, and we’re pretty persistent and stick with things that are difficult, and our child wants to be running around from the very moment they wake up to the very moment they fall asleep, and taking our child out to endless activities to keep them occupied means we can’t follow the routines we prefer, and our child flits from one thing to the next and never sticks with anything for more than three minutes at a stretch, it’s not hard to see how contrasting temperaments can make things difficult.   Jen Lumanlan 03:25 But having the same temperament can also make things difficult!  If you’re both highly persistent, you might each get an idea into your heads about how things should be, and not be flexible on accommodating the other’s ideas.  If you both react to things with a high degree of intensity, then even simple issues can throw a real wrench in the works.  If your child has a big reaction because their purple shirt is in the wash, and you have an intense reaction because you can’t believe they’re making a big deal out of the purple shirt being in the wash, then it’s a lot harder to recover than it would be if each of you didn’t react so intensely.    Jen Lumanlan 04:00 If you’re both highly distractible, you might find it difficult to plan, and your child’s distractibility is likely to pull you even more off course. Some people have a generally more positive mood than others; you may see this most clearly if you have more than one child and one of them is usually in a more positive mood than the other.  You might perceive the happy, bubbly child as ‘easier to love,’ while the child who appears more sad and gloomy seems more ‘difficult to love.’  Whether you label this explicitly by saying it in your mind (or even to them) or just subconsciously and implicitly, this can end up being a self-fulfilling prophecy.  Children will often take on a role in the family – the funny one, the smart one, the happy one – or the sad one, the difficult one, the annoying one.  We communicate these ideas to our children, whether we intend to or not, and we get into a cyclical process where they’re feeling a little bit sad, or doing something we find a little bit difficult or annoying, and we see them as sad or difficult or annoying, which reinforces their own view and they become more sad or difficult or annoying.  And if we also have this slightly sad or gloomy outlook then we’re more likely to put this interpretation on our child’s neutral behavior, and to respond to even their neutral behavior as if it was negative, which continues the cycle.  This kind of dynamic sets us up for difficult days even when nothing else is going ‘wrong,’ and makes it harder for us to be with our child in ways that are neutral, never mind ways that are fun and enjoyable and warm and loving.   Jen Lumanlan 05:29 Then of course there’s the layer of our attachment style, which is how we learned to receive affection from our own parent or caregiver, which impacts how we perceive other people’s behavior today.  So if we developed a strong attachment relationship with our primary parent or caregiver then we may be able to do the same with our children, and be in a relationship that is generally warm and loving.  But if we developed an anxious attachment relationship with our parent then even in our relationships today we’re constantly looking to the other person for reassurance that they really do love us, and if our own child has an avoidant attachment relationship with us, where they’ve learned that we won’t consistently be there for them, then they may find that constant checking in to be highly irritating.  On the flip side of that, if our child has an anxious attachment relationship with us then they will be the one constantly doing the checking, and if we have an avoidant attachment style then we may find that to be highly irritating, and wonder why on earth they need so much attention, and why they can’t do more for themselves.  Two anxiously attached people together are constantly checking in with each other to see if they are OK with each other, and two people with an avoidant style are basically staying at arm’s length from each other, each giving the other one the bare minimum of care and attention in the interest of self-preservation.   Jen Lumanlan 06:41 On top the layer of temperament there’s the layer of the trauma we’ve experienced when we were children and may even still be experiencing today.  Even if our parents were good parents, they probably didn’t model healthy ways to be in conflict.  They may have dismissed our ideas and told us we were fine when we clearly weren’t.  They may have rewarded us for being happy – especially if we’re female-identifying – and withdrawn love and approval if we expressed sadness or disappointment or anger.  Maybe the conflict we witnessed between them was scary so we avoided it, and now we don’t know how to understand our feelings, and think we can’t express certain feelings, and if a situation becomes too volatile we have to get out of it as fast as we possibly can.  Maybe we learned a placating, fawning response and we ran around making cups of tea for everyone, or kept our anxious feelings bottled up deep inside and gained so much praise for being what everyone saw as “just the best-behaved little girl.”  Or if you’re male-identifying then maybe you lashed out at others and the adults told you to stop doing it, but they still sort of expected you to do it because you were a boy, and nobody ever tried to understand all the hurt in you that blew out in hitting other people when it seemed like there was nowhere else for it to go.   Jen Lumanlan 07:54 And then of course, another layer in all of this is the diagnosed or diagnosable things we have going on – so if we have ADHD then maybe it’s really hard for us to plan anything or to stick to plans once we’ve made them. If our child has ADHD as well then that pulls us off track even more.  There are all the challenges like depression, anxiety, alcoholism, over-eating, under-eating, excessive work, excessive social media use, and even ADHD which I’m becoming increasingly convinced are not very different at all.  They’re all different presentations of the same underlying cause, which is chronically unmet needs.  All of these diagnoses are society’s way of saying ‘we have expectations for you, and as long as you aren’t meeting them, we’re going to say that you are the one who is ill.  Your job is to start meeting our expectations, and then we’ll consider you functional again.’  There’s no potential for the system that we live in to change, so we use these coping strategies to get us through – to numb us, to distract us from being present with what’s actually here in this moment.  When we’re depressed or anxious or using substances or eating or not eating or working or scrolling through social media then we’re distracted.  We aren’t present with what’s here in this moment.  We get used to being numbed, and when something like our child’s ‘misbehavior’ drags us back into the present moment, it’s hard to cope with!  It hurts!  And it drags up all the old hurt that we haven’t dealt with yet.  It’s no wonder we’d prefer to get back into our numbed and distracted state as soon as possible.   Jen Lumanlan 09:24 So all of that stuff is there all the time, shaping the ways we’re able to be in relationship with our children on a daily basis, and then something happens and we’re having a bad parenting day.  Maybe our child does something age-appropriate and because we have this temperamental mismatch, and attachment stuff, and diagnoses or diagnosables, it doesn’t take much to push us over the edge.    Jen Lumanlan 09:48 So the big question for this episode is: what do we do when that happens?  What do we do when one thing pushes us over the edge, and we shout at our kids, or we’re rough with them, or we shut them out because their big feelings are too much for us to cope with?  How do we get out of that?  Maybe we’ve become experts at apologizing; the “I’m sorry I did that; I’m having a hard time and I’m trying not to yell at you,” but it doesn’t feel like it’s enough.  Maybe it feels like we should be better; that we’re supposed to be better, and instead we can’t get the needle out of the grooves of the old record of exploding and apologizing, exploding and apologizing.  Maybe these are interspersed with moments of tenderness and affection but the difficult times are happening far more often than you want.  So does it have to be like this?  What would it take for things to not be like this?  How can you recover when you have a difficult interaction at the beginning of the day so it doesn’t derail your entire day?   Jen Lumanlan 10:40 Let’s look at the first of the three ideas to help you navigate difficult days, which is making a non-cognitive shift so you see the difficult days differently.  I had a conversation recently with Margaret and Amy on the What Fresh Hell podcast – I have to say I really appreciate their show.  They have great conversations with guests who are doing great work in respectful parenting, and it’s so obvious that Margaret and Amy do their research before doing these interviews, which of course I always appreciate. They did an episode on pattern breaking a few months ago that I listened to in preparation for the conversation and Margaret said that she doesn’t think it’s possible to break the patterns of our reactions to difficult situations.  She says we can change our responses after we’ve entered into the pattern, and we can remind ourselves to use different tools and change the outcome of the interaction, but the actual pattern of getting triggered in the first place is set.  And I had to respectfully disagree with that because I have seen parents change their patterns.  For some parents, simple awareness about why they feel triggered can create a shift.  Some parents can learn for the first time: “Oh, I thought I was having these big reactions because my child was doing something so inappropriate, but now I see that it isn’t really about my child at all, and I can trace this directly back to something that happened to me when I was young, and now it all makes sense.”  And for those parents, that’s enough to make a shift – suddenly they don’t feel as overwhelmed by their child’s behavior anymore, and the knowledge of what was causing it was enough to make that happen.   Jen Lumanlan 12:12 For most parents that isn’t enough, and I think that’s where this idea of “you can’t break a pattern” comes from.  Maybe a lot of us have seen a lot of memes on Facebook and Instagram about how we can see our challenges differently and we think ‘yes!  That’s true for me!  And that’s how I want to...

A.J. Bond, a writer and filmmaker, discusses the origins of shame, healing from toxic shame, and not passing it on to our own children. They explore the role of therapy in confronting shame, the importance of attunement and connection in preventing shame in children, and the four broad categories of reactions in the compass of shame. They also discuss the accessibility of therapy, the significance of peer groups and group sharing for healing, and strategies to support healthy growth and avoid shame.