Do you ever feel ashamed? Many people find it among their most physical emotions, resulting in a big knot of tension or a hot flush that washes over their whole body. But what is shame, and where does it come from?
I recently read a LOT of academic papers and books, and also popular books about shame, and the most helpful resource I found among all of the ones I read was written by my guest today, A.J. Bond. A.J. is a wrier and a filmmaker who experienced a shame-related breakthrough in his own therapy several years ago, and who subsequently became certified as a Healing Shame Practitioner through the Center for Healing Shame in Berkeley.
We discuss, among other things:
- The origins of shame all the way back in our childhoods
- What kinds of shame really are helpful in our lives
- How to heal from toxic shame so we don't pass it on to our own children
AJ's book:
Discomfortable: What is shame and how can we break its hold? (Affiliate link)
Taming Your Triggers
As you're listening to this episode you may well hear the connections between the things you feel ashamed of and your triggered responses to your child's behavior. That's not a coincidence! When we were little we used to advocate for our needs as well (which is what our child is doing), and we were shamed by our parents or caregivers for doing it. And now when our child does that same thing, all those old shame reactions - which had seemed like they were under control! - come raging right back up to the surface.
Want to go beyond keeping a lid on your triggers to actually healing, and learning new tools to parent in line with your values even in the difficult moments? Taming Your Triggers will help!
Jump to highlights
(02:05) How AJ Bond get started on understanding what shame is
(05:12) What is shame?
(07:15) Different versions of shame for different people
(08:10) Shame is like an alarm system
(10:39) The breaking of the interpersonal bridge
(15:48) What does good repair look like
(18:45) The rupture and repair make the relationship stronger
(25:41) The cultural evolution aspect and how we evolved to be around the same pretty small group of people for a lot of the time
(26:58) Shame will often feel like it’s connected to survival
(31:09) Are there common reactions that people have when they're feeling when they're experiencing shame?
(34:18) The concept of healthy shame
(37:19) The 123 Punch of Shame
(47:03) How our unconscious values show up in the context of our conscious and chosen values
References
Arnink, C.L. (2020). A quantitative evaluation of Shame Resilience Theory. Inquiries Journal 12(11), 1-11.
Bond, A.J. (2022). Discomfortable: What is shame and how can we break its hold? Berkeley: North Atlantic.
Brown, B. (2010). The gifts of imperfection: Let go of who you think you’re supposed to be and embrace who you are. Center City: Hazeldon.
Brown, B. (2006). Shame resilience theory: A grounded theory study on women and shame. Families in Society: The Journal of Contemporary Social Services. 87(1), 43-52.
Brown, B. (1999). Searching for a theory: The journey from explanation to revolution. Families in Society 80(4), 323-429.
Cooley, C.H. (1902). Human nature and the social order. New York: Scribner’s.
Deonna, J.A., Rodogno, R., & Teroni, F. (2012). In defense of shame: The faces of an emotion. Oxford: Oxford University Press.
DeParle, J. (2022, November 25). The expanded child tax credit is gone. The battle over it remains. The New York Times. Retrieved from: https://www.nytimes.com/2022/11/25/us/politics/child-tax-credit.html
Elias, N. (1978). The civilizing process (Volume 1). New York: Pantheon.
Elison, J., Garofalo, C., & Velotti, P. (2014). Shame and aggression: Theoretical considerations. Aggression and Violent Behavior 19, 447-453.
Garland-Thompson, R. (2005). Feminist disability studies. Signs: Journal of women in Culture and Society 30(2), 1557-1587.
Greenwald, D.F., & Harder, D.W. (1998). Domains of shame: Evolutionary, cultural, and psychotherapeutic aspects. In P. Gilbert & B. Andrews (Eds.), Shame: Interpersonal behavior, psychopathology, and culture (p.225-245). Oxford: Oxford University Press.
Hauser, C. T. (2016). Shame and resilience among mental health trainees: A scale construction study (Unpublished doctoral dissertation). University of Nebraska-Lincoln.
Jacquet, J. (2015). Is shame necessary? New uses for an old tool. New York: Pantheon.
Jóhannsdóttir, Á. (2019). Body hair and its entaglement: Shame, choice and resistance in body hair practices among young Icelandic people. Feminism & Psychology 29(2), 195-213.
Kendi, I.X. (2019). How to be an anti-racist. New York: One World.
Lee, R.G. (1996). Shame and the Gestalt Model. In R.G. Lee & G. Wheeler (Eds.)., The voice of shame: Silence and connection in psychotherapy (p.3-58). San Francisco: Jossey-Bass.
Lichtenberg, P. (1996). Shame and the making of a social class system. In R.G. Lee & G. Wheeler (Eds.)., The voice of shame: Silence and connection in psychotherapy (p.269-295). San Francisco: Jossey-Bass.
Mate, G. (2019). Scattered minds: The origins and healing of Attention Deficit Disorder. New York: Random House.
Mendible, M. (2016). American shame and the boundaries of belonging. In M. Mendible (Ed.), American Shame (p.1-23). Bloomington: Indiana University Press.
Morris, C. & Munt, S.R. (2018). Classed formations of shame in White, British single mothers. Feminism & Psychology 29(2), 231-249.
Morrison, A.P. (1996). The culture of shame. New York: Ballantine.
Parsons, E.M. (2020). The development and evaluation of a brief shame resilience intervention: Proof of concept in Social Anxiety Disorder. Unpublished doctoral thesis, Miami University. Retrieved from: https://etd.ohiolink.edu/apexprod/rws_etd/send_file/send?accession=miami1595594451509091&disposition=inline
Pescosolido, B.A., & Martin, J.K. (2015). The stigma complex. Annual Review of Sociology 41, 87-116.
Probyn, E. (2019). Productive faces of shame: An interview with Elspeth Probyn. Feminism & Psychology 29(2), 322-334.
O’Halloran, K. (2015). Theory, politics, and community: Ethical dilemmas in Sydney and Melbourne queer activist collectives. Unpublished doctoral dissertation. Sydney: The University of Sydney. Retrieved from: https://ses.library.usyd.edu.au/bitstream/handle/2123/13958/OHalloran_KT_thesis.pdf?sequence=2
Richards, R., (2019). Shame, silence, and resistance: How my narratives of academia and kidney disease entwine. Feminism & Psychology 29(2), 269-285.
Tagney, J.P., & Dearing, R.L. (2002). Shame and guilt. New York: The Guilford Press.
Scheff, T.J. (2003). Shame in self and society. Symbolic Interaction 26(2), 239-262.
Singer, A. (1996). Homosexuality and shame; Clinical meditations on the cultural violation of self. In R.G. Lee & G. Wheeler (Eds.)., The voice of shame: Silence and connection in psychotherapy (p.123-142). San Francisco: Jossey-Bass.
Stearns, P.N. (2017). Shame: A brief history. Urbana: The University of Illinios Press.
von Raumer, Wilhelm. 1857. The Education of Girls. (Cited in Elias 1978.)
Wheeler, G., & Jones, D.E. (1996). Finding our sons: A male-male gestalt. In R.G. Lee & G. Wheeler (Eds.)., The voice of shame: Silence and connection in psychotherapy (p.61-99). San Francisco: Jossey-Bass.
