178: How to heal your inner critic

Do you ever have that voice in your head that tells you things like: "You shouldn't have laid in bed for so long; you should have got up earlier to get ready for the day"? Or how about: "You shouldn't let your kids watch TV; good mothers don't let their kids watch TV"? Or: "If I was any good at this parenting thing, my kids wouldn't fight with each other"? If you do, have you noticed that sometimes that voice comes out when you talk to your children, in that exasperated, shaming voice: "Why would you do that?" If you have, you're not alone. My guest for this episode is parent Katie, who is a therapist with a Master's in Counseling. She's specifically trained in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, which is a method of changing people's behavior - essentially by teaching them to ignore their body's signals of fear and anxiety. Despite knowing everything there is to know about how to change a person's behavior, Katie still struggled as she transitioned from two to three children, and was suddenly dealing with massive sleep deprivation, the oldest child biting the middle child, and a whole lot of yelling (both from the children and from her). She got to the point where she realized: "I can't keep doing this. We can't keep functioning in this way. And I wish I didn't react so strongly but I don't know what else to do." Katie shares some massive transitions she's made over the last year, including:

• Realizing her body's surprising signal that she's feeling overwhelmed in a situation
• Her transition from constantly snapping at her children to being patient and THEN snapping to being able to change course even in the middle of a difficult interaction
• Ways that she gets frustration out before it erupts over her children (which models healthy coping habits for them, too!)
• A non-cognitive shift (based in her body, not just in her brain)around seeing the systems we live in as an important reason why things are so hard for parents, which means it isn't her fault things are hard
• How seeing her needs in a new way helped her to heal her inner critic - which is still there, but has much less power over her now than it used to

Our inner critics don't appear out of nowhere; they're formed out of the voices of our parents and other people who are important to us. Katie told me after we turned off the recording that her parents - who were good, loving parents - wanted to make Katie's life as easy as possible - which often meant presenting a sanitized view of her hair, her clothing, and her sexuality to the outside world. If you do what's expected, other people won't make your life harder - but those 'criticisms' have now become her own internalized voice, making it harder for her to show up as her real, authentic self. Her oldest son has food allergies but Katie feels guilty asking for accommodations for him that other people might think are 'too much.'  Standing up for her son's needs has taught her how to stand up for her own needs - now she knows she wants to be part of creating a society that sees and meets everyone's needs, rather than forcing the outliers to fit into a traditional mold.

This episode is a must-listen for parents who are having a hard time and who think it's their fault. It isn't your fault.

 

Other episodes mentioned in this episode

Healing and Helping with Mutual Aid