Your Parenting Mojo - Respectful, research-based parenting ideas to help kids thrive

In this episode we hear from listener Lindsay who wonders whether it's safe to delay math learning, since (they've heard) there's a 'critical window' for learning language. Would delaying math learning mean that our child can't catch up later? Will they develop a negative view of their own learning? What if they can't get into college? We address all of these questions and more. Learning Membership Do you want to turn your child’s interests into learning opportunities? The Learning Membership is here to help you. Make learning a fun adventure that not only strengthens your bond, but also nurtures your child’s intrinsic love of learning—an essential foundation for success in an AI-driven world. Get tools and strategies to support your child’s love of learning and future-proof their success in navigating whatever comes their way. No special skills needed—just a willingness to explore alongside them. Enrollment will open again soon. All the usual stuff applies - sliding scale pricing, money back guarantee. Jump to Highlights 01:10 Listener Lindsay asks the question, “How safe is it to neglect math education until your child shows some kind of interest in wanting to do it?” 01:48 Jen gives her academic history in math and admits to applying problem-solving strategies without full comprehension. 07:44 The critical period for learning seen in animal research also applies to children with severe language deprivation during early months. 08:51 The critical period for language development and second language acquisition is questioned in relation to math learning. 12:58 Sudbury School's anecdotal evidence suggests children can learn math quickly when motivated, sparking questions about early teaching, fostering a love of learning, and the impact on future opportunities. 15:54 Emphasizing intrinsic motivation over forced comparisons in math fosters self-awareness, more vital for a fulfilling life than specific skills. 19:31 Cognitively Guided Instruction values children's math knowledge, encourages pattern exploration, and validates individual methods, fostering a deeper understanding of math concepts. 22:09 Fostering children's intuitive understanding of math through collaborative learning and self-developed algorithms is a powerful approach. 24:01 Don't worry about formal math instruction; children will naturally develop their own strategies and algorithms when provided with a supportive learning environment. References Singleton, D., & Lesniewska, J. (2021). The critical period hypothesis for L2 acquisition: An unfalsifiable embarrassment? Languages 6(3), 149.

Dr. Moira Mikolajczak, an expert on parental burnout, discusses the societal failure to support parents. Kelly reflects on the connection between school-based learning and burnout, and shares how she prioritizes important life lessons for her child. The podcast explores topics like critical thinking, meeting multiple needs, and learning from the world around us.

  Those of us in the Northern Hemisphere are in the middle of summer now, with the whirlwind of cobbled together childcare and kids at home saying: "I'm booored!".   What's happening for them when they're saying this?   And, more importantly, what should we DO about it?   We don't want to have to entertain them, but what other option is there besides threatening chores?   This episode will help you to answer their question during the summer months in a way that supports their wellbeing, and also address boredom that crops up at other points in the school year. Like when they're in school.   Because while I approached this episode from the perspective of navigating summer holidays, it turns out that most researchers can't include the word "child" and "bored" in a study without also including the word "school."   Learning Membership Do you want to turn your child’s interests into learning opportunities? The Learning Membership is here to help you. Make learning a fun adventure that not only strengthens your bond, but also nurtures your child’s intrinsic love of learning—an essential foundation for success in an AI-driven world. Get tools and strategies to support your child’s love of learning and future-proof their success in navigating whatever comes their way. No special skills needed—just a willingness to explore alongside them. All the usual stuff applies - sliding scale pricing, money back guarantee. Enrollment will open again soon. Click here to learn more! Jump to Highlights 00:59      Introduction to today’s topic 02:32      Dr. Peter Toohey's book explores various definitions of boredom, including one tied to predictable circumstances and another linked to existential despair. 04:16      The concept of boredom has evolved over time. 07:57      Boredom can be linked to dopamine levels in the brain. 10:45      Boredom is connected to negative outcomes and low dopamine activity, leading to depression, anxiety, addiction, and poor performance 13:51       Boredom in children, particularly in school, has negative consequences on academic outcomes and well-being 23:32      Exercising autonomy and pursuing assignments aligned with personal interest and relevance can foster intrinsic motivation and enhance student performance and well-being 29:53      The traditional school system prioritizes conformity over individual interests, leading to disengagement and boredom 35:47      The Learning Membership offers support and resources for parents to cultivate their child's intrinsic love of learning, whether they are in school or not 38:18      Students can combat boredom in school by gamifying tasks, finding personal meaning in them, and recognizing the value of boredom as a guide to more engaging activities 42:54      Boredom serves a purpose in learning by promoting exploration, enhancing performance on creative tasks, and signaling the need for novelty and change 45:26      The Warlpiri people in Australia embody a cultural mindset of infinite patience and being fully present in the moment, where boredom seems non-existent as they engage with their surroundings and find meaning in the immediate place and time 48:17       As explored through the lens of Buddhism, embracing boredom allows us to gain insights into our minds and self-identity, fostering a sense of peace 52:40      To wrap up, the response to a child's boredom depends on their environment–whether they are in school or at home     References https://www.gotoquiz.com/results/boredom_proness_scale Begnaud, D., Coenraad, M., Jain, N., Patel, D., & Bonsignore, E. (2020). “It’s just too much”: Exploring children’s views of boredom and strategies to manage feelings of boredom. In: Proceedings of the Interaction Design and Children Conference (p.624-636). Brankovic, S. (2015). Boredom, dopamine, and the thrill of psychosis: Psychiatry in a new key. Psychiatria Danubina 27(2), 126-137. Danckert, J. (2022). Boredom in the COVID-19 Pandemic. Behavioral Science 12(1), 428. Healy, S.D. (1984). Boredom, self, and culture. Rutherford: Farleigh Dickinson University Press. hooks, b. (1994). Teaching to transgress: Education as the practice of freedom. New York: Routledge. Joseph, N.M. (2022). Making Black girls count in math education: A Black feminist vision for transforming teaching. Boston: Harvard Education Press. LaCapra, D. (2016). Trauma, history, memory, identity: What remains? History and Theory 55, 375-400. Lehr, E., & Todman, M. (2008). Boredom and boredom proneness in children: Implications for academic and social adjustment. In: M. Todman (Ed). Self-Regulation and Social Competence: Psychological Studies in Identity, Achievement and Work-Family Dynamics (p.75-89). Athens: Athens Institute for Education and Research. Lin, Y., & Westgate, E.C. (2021). The origins of boredom. Unpublished manuscript. Retrieved from: https://psyarxiv.com/bz6n8/download?format=pdf Lomas, T. (2017). A meditation on boredom: Reappraising its value through introspective phenomenology. Qualitative Research in Psychology 14(1), 1-22. Lomas, T. (2017). A reappraisal of boredom: A case study in second wave psychology. In: N.J.L. Brown, T. Lomas, & F.J. Eiroa-Orosa (Eds.), The Routledge International Handbook of Critical Positive Psychology (p.213-226). Abingdon-on-Thames: Routledge. Musharbash, Y. (2007). Boredom, time, and modernity: An example from Aboriginal Australia. American Anthropologist 109(2), 307-317. O’Hanlon, J.F. (1981). Boredom: Practical consequences and a theory. Acta Psychologica 49, 53-82. Pfattheicher, S., Lazarevic, L.B., Westgate, E.C., & Schindler, S. (2021). On the relation of boredom and sadistic aggression. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 121(3), 573-600. Toohey, P. (2011). Boredom: A lively history. New Haven: Yale University Press. Waterschoot, J., Van der Kaap-Deeder, J., Morbee, S., Soenens, B., & Vansteenkiste, M. (2021). “How to unlock myself from boredom?” The role of mindfulness and a dual awareness- and action-oriented pathway during the COVID-19 lockdown. Personality and Individual Differences 175, 110729.

Listener Kelsey posted in the Your Parenting Mojo Facebook community a while ago asking how she should respond when her child asks: "Why does Daddy have to go to work?" She got some great answers from community members...and yet there was also a lot more to explore. I asked her to record her question so I could answer it in an episode, so here it is! Of course, the issue of Daddy going to work has intersections with patriarchy as well...and many Your Parenting Mojo listeners of both/all genders work and probably hear this question from their children, so I adjusted the title of the episode a little. The episode looks at capitalism and how it impacts our families and other peoples' families...and how we can start to have conversations about that with our children. If you'd like to ask a question for me to answer in a future Q&A episode, please email a link to a video of you asking the question to support@yourparentingmojo.com, or go to yourparentingmojo.com/question and look for the Record A Question button.Jump to Highlights00:58 Listener Kelsey asks how to honestly but age-appropriately answer the question, "Why does daddy have to go to work?"02:54 Carys shares her ideas on capitalism and work14:10 Kelsey's child isn't necessarily questioning why Daddy has to work, but rather why Daddy isn't available to play17:51 The cultural devaluation of certain types of work, the influence of capitalism, housing discrimination, and societal expectations contribute to financial burdens23:32 Every time we're making a choice to buy something, that is a choice to spend more time working24:00 The mindset plays a significant role in finding joy and value in any job25:16 Job satisfaction, financial security, and the role of money in addressing challenges and enhancing safety are crucial in deciding on work27:26 Money doesn’t guarantee safety30:11 Undervalued care work, predominantly performed by women, is crucial for the capitalist system.31:47 Building communities that meet each other's needs can provide more choices and reduce reliance on financial resources.32:59 We can talk to our children about capitalism, explaining that work allows us to meet our needs and wants, while addressing the inequalities and challenges that some people face. 35:14 Teaching children about capitalism and its objections fosters critical thinking about fairness, inequality, and alternative economic perspectives.37:40 Teaching financial literacy to children should involve a critical examination of capitalist-focused programs42:24 Wrapping up

We talk a lot about meeting needs on the show. And mostly we focus on meeting your child's needs, because when those are met then your needs for peace and ease and collaboration with your child get met as well. But of course those are not your only needs. You also have needs independent of your relationship with your children, and you deserve to have these met. Mara Glatzel's new book focuses squarely on your needs. Why is it so hard to understand what our needs are? How can we figure out what our needs are...before they explode out of us in a meltdown? And how can we get these met on a regular basis? This episode will show you how to do that. Jump to highlights: 01:20 Introduction of the guest - Mara Glatzel02:20 Mara shares the story at the beginning of her book where she tells her personal reflection when she felt learned the importance of asserting one's needs and the impact it has had on her  life and relationship06:13 Mara differentiates needs from wants09:47 The societal pressure to maintain a perfect and productive facade may just lead to burnout and a denial of our own humanity13:31 It is important to recognize and identify  physical sensations, symptoms, and circumstances associated with burnout to prevent and reverse it20:20 Setting boundaries with children allows parents to prioritize their own needs so they meet their children’s needs as well24:49 Consistently pushing ourselves beyond our limits and striving for perfection sets us up for burnout29:31 Prioritizing our own needs and well-being - even if it means doing things differently from others - is essential for sustainable productivity and a fulfilling life34:37 It can be challenging to find the right balance between meeting our children's needs and taking care of our own, but by modeling self-care, setting boundaries, and teaching them how to communicate their needs effectively, we can find ways to support each other41:36 Balancing our commitment to creating positive change with prioritizing our own well-being is crucial, as our ability to make an impact is compromised if we neglect self-care47:34 If we're unable to deal with our own needs, we make our needs other people's problems - and this impacts our relationships50:55 Mara shares about finding joy in trying new activities and embracing the freedom of being a beginner while following personal interests54:46 Wrapping up  Mara's book:Needy: How to advocate for your needs and claim your sovereignty (affiliate link) 

A lot of parents (and teachers) are concerned right now about children's resilience. Will they 'bounce back' from the difficulties of the pandemic? But is 'bouncing back' really the way we should be thinking about this? We have all been changed by the pandemic; shouldn't we acknowledge this and see how we can be the best versions of ourselves, incorporating what we've been through over the last few years, rather than trying to 'bounce back' into what we were before (which frankly wasn't all that amazing in a lot of cases, as we rushed from one thing to another with never any time for ourselves). In this episode we also consider Black and Indigenous researchers' perspectives on resilience, and see how their ideas can perhaps shift how we perceive resilience - and thus how we support our children.   Other episodes referenced 069: Reducing the impact of intergenerational trauma 140: Mythbusting about fat and BMI with Dr. Lindo Bacon 137: Psychological flexibility through ACT with Diana Hill 148: Is spanking a child really so bad? 098: Do school shooter trainings help (or hurt) children? 114: How to stop 'othering' and instead build 'belonging' 074: Attachment: What it is, what it's not, how to do it, and how to stop stressing about it 106: Patriarchy is perpetuated through parenting    Jump to highlights: 01:10 Introduction 01:34 Defining resilience from various perspectives 03:16 Resilience requires exposure to some kind of threat or severe adversity 06:37 What a lack of resilience looks like and how to measure its absence 08:16 Measuring resilience in research 09:08 The challenge of defining ‘protective’ factor 10:00 The history of research on resilience 12:03 The importance allowing children to cope with mild stressors 14:40 The Indigenous resilience 17:17 The control and dominance of indigenous peoples in Canada achieved through education and immersion in settler culture 19:25 The importance of resilience culture in Indigenous communities 21:02 A model of resilience by Dr. Edith Grotberg 27:01 Resilience determined by the dominant culture's expectations of normal, healthy, and good outcomes 30:08 The real purpose of resilience 32:18 What happens when a person isn't deemed to be resilient and why that is 33:46 Resilience as a code for social compliance 38:59 What true resilience should be about (based on the story about the Claremont Counseling Center's community building) 40:53 Wrapping up   References   Aranda, K., Zeeman, L., Scholes, J., & Morales, A. S-M. (2012). The resilient subject: Exploring subjectivity, identity and the body in narratives of resilience. Health 16(5), 548-563.   Block, P. (2008). Community: The structure of belonging. San Francisco: Berrett-Koehler.   Grotberg, E. (1995). A guide to promoting resilience in children: Strengthening the human spirit. Early Childhood Development: Practice and Reflections Number 8. Bernard van Leer Foundation.   Gutman, L.M. (2018). Risk and resilience. Reference Module in Neuroscience and Biobehavioral Psychology. https://doi.org/10.1016/B978-0-12-809324-5.21835-X   Henderson, J., & Denny, K. (2015). The resilient child, human development and the “postdemocracy.” BioSocieties 10(3), 352-378.   Hess, J. (2019). Moving beyond resilience education: Musical counterstorytelling. Music Education Research 1`(5), 488-502.   Kirmayer, L.J., Dandeneau, D., Marshall, E., Phillips, M.K., & Williamson, K.J. (2011). Rethinking resilience from an indigenous perspective. Canadian Journal of Psychiatry 56(2), 84-91.   Liu, J.J.W., Reed, M., & Girard, T.A. (2017). Advancing resilience: An integrative, multi-system mode of resilience. Personality and Individual Differences 111, 111-118.   Lopez, M., Ruiz, M.O., Rovnaghi, C.R., Tam, G.K-Y., Hiscox, J., Gotlib, I.H., Barr, D.A., Carrion, V.G., & Anand, K.J.S. (2021). The social ecology of childhood and early life adversity. Pediatric Research 89(2), 353-367.   Luthar, S.S., Cicchetti, D., & Becker, B. (2000). The construct of resilience: A critical evaluation and guidelines for future work. Child Development 71(3), 543-562.   Masten, A.S. (2001). Ordinary Magic: Resilience processes in development. American Psychologist 56(3), 227-238.   Masten, A.S.. (2021). Resilience in developmental systems: Principles, pathways, and protective processes in research and practice. In Ungar, M. (Ed.), Multisystemic resilience: Adaptation and transformation in contexts of change (p. 113-134). Oxford: Oxford University Press.   Masten, A.S., and Barnes, A.J. (2018). Resilience in children: Developmental perspectives. Children 5, 98.   McCalman, J., & Bainbridge, R. (2021). Indigenous education, well-being, and resilience – a systemic approach. In Ungar, M. (Ed.), Multisystemic resilience: Adaptation and transformation in contexts of change (p. 199-219). Oxford: Oxford University Press.   McGuire, P.D. (2010). Exploring resilience and indigenous ways of knowing. Pimatisiwin: A Journal of Aboriginal and Indigenous Community Health 8(2), 117-131.   Rutter, M. (2012). Resilience as a dynamic concept. Development and Psychopathology 24, 335-344.   Thomas, D., Mitchell, T., & Arseneau, C. (2015). Re-evaluating resilience: From individual vulnerabilities to the strength of cultures and collectivities among indigenous communities. Resilience 4(2), 116-129.   Traub, F., & Boynton-Jarrett, R. (2017). Modifiable resilience factors to childhood adversity for clinical pediatric practice. Pediatrics 139(5), e20162569   Solkoski, S.M., & Bullock, L.M. (2012). Resilience in children and youth: A review. Children and Youth Services Review 34, 2295-2303.   Wexler, L. (2013). Looking across three generations of Alaska Natives to explore how culture fosters indigenous resilience. Transcultural Psychiatry 51(1), 73-92.

Do you sometimes wish your co-parent would join you on the respectful parenting journey you’re on? Would things be easier if you were on the same page? Does it seem like you try to convince them using all the research you’ve done respectful parenting…only to have them throw up the “I don’t think we have to make a big deal out of this” card? Sarah and Declan had this dynamic in their relationship too.   Knowing each other well isn’t always enough They met when they were 10 and have been together for 15 years, so they know each other pretty well.  They had even talked about their values before they got married, and found alignment on many of them.   But Declan is a psychologist working with children and families, so he got the Big Veto.  (It turns out that psychology training focuses on evidence-based strategies to change behavior…which isn’t that hard to do with rewards and punishments.  I think a lot of psychologists show up in my programs because they realize that “evidence-based” doesn’t necessarily mean “good for us” or “aligned with my values”).   Sarah was struggling with the transition from two to three children, along with Declan’s full-time work, her own part-time work, and a major home renovation - they haven’t had a functional kitchen in two years.Sarah knew she needed more support…but Declan wasn’t sure.  Until he realized that when you’re on a team, you don’t tell an injured player to suck it up.  You can’t tell the parent who is struggling to figure it out by themselves.  We all have a role to play in a family that meets everyone’s needs.   A way to repair ruptures that meets both of their needs This was most apparent when Sarah would say something critical, causing a temporary rupture…and then would desperately try to repair, wanting to talk it out then and there so she could reestablish connection with him, in a reenactment of her anxious attachment relationship with her mother.   Declan didn’t find that connecting at all…he saw that she was trying to make herself feel better, not to reconnect with him, and he would retreat - the exact opposite of what she was looking for from him.   On a group coaching call a few months ago we worked through an example of this dynamic - and found a way to help them reestablish connection that worked for both of them that has made a profound difference in their ability to navigate conflict.  They discuss how it has worked for them in this new episode.   Parenting Membership  This isn't a course that you take once and forget, and things go back to the way they always were.Whenever you get off-track, or when a new challenge pops up, we're here to support and guide you for as long as you're a member.   The membership information page has all the details on what you’ll get when you join - monthly modules of content, the not-on-Facebook community, monthly group coaching calls, weekly ACTion groups with five other members and a peer coach, occasional 1:1 coaching sessions with Jen. Join the waitlist to get notified when doors reopen in May 2025. Click the banner below to learn more.     Jump to highlights 01:20 Introduction of this episode’s guests 01:44 Basic information about Sarah and Declan’s family 02:27 Sarah’s childhood experiences and the intergenerational trauma that affected her family 07:25 Declan’s family dynamic which was not emotionally open or supportive 09:20 Declan talks about his experiences with his authoritarian father 10:30 What it was like being together for a long time and then becoming parents 11:21 What Sarah and Declan consider as the most important values they had as a family, as well as the effective parenting strategy that worked during their early years of parenthood 12:44 The challenges of transitioning to having older babies 15:19 Some challenging interactions with the kids 17:03 Declan is the stabilizing force in the family 18:41 How Declan responds to Sarah’s emotional stress 21:20 How they approach certain situations and have learned from each other's feedback 22:06 finding a balance between having a structured decision-making process and ensuring that each one is heard 23:14 How patriarchy shows up in their decision making 23:53 How their shared values allowed them to work together despite their differences 26:44 How Sarah managed to convince  Declan to join the Parenting Membership 28:52 Declan appreciates the flexibility of Parenting Membership that allows members to choose their level of engagement with the content 31:12 How being part of the Parenting Membership differs from just listening to podcasts 32:47 How the  community aspect of the Parenting Membership helps 38:58 How relationship patterns can impact difficult conversations between partners 40:38 How the Parenting Membership has made a huge difference in their parenting dynamics 50:31 How Sarah has changed to becoming less triggered 52:57 Wrapping up  

Recently, a number of parents in the Parenting Membership have posted in our community about challenges they've faced that they've navigated with grace that would have seemed insurmountable a couple of years ago.   Many of these are parents of children who are already through the toddler stage, and the parents are starting to see the tools they've been using come alive in their interactions with their children.   I thought: There's a podcast episode in that!   I asked parents to submit short videos to me responding to the question: What do you wish you had known about parenting when your children were young?   The resulting videos are collected, along with my commentary, in this week's episode.   The insights that these parents offer are profound. I don't want to give too much away, but let's just say that you're not going to hear advice about a must-have crib or wipe warmer or toy.   This is advice about: How we see ourselves What is our role as parents to guide our children without shaping them How we can be whole, fulfilled people ourselves when there's so much pressure on us to be a 'good parent'   If you want to hear from parents who share your values and who have been in it for a while to know what's worth worrying about and what isn't, this episode is for you.   Parenting Membership  If parenting feels really hard, and it seems like you’ve read all the books and you’ve asked for advice in free communities and you’re tired of having to weed through all the stuff that isn’t aligned with your values to get to the few good nuggets, then the Parenting Membership will help you out.   Join the waitlist to get notified when doors reopen in May 2025. Click the banner to learn more.     Other episodes referenced in this episode: 079: What is RIE? 084: The Science of RIE 085: White privilege in schools SYPM 010: From anxious overwhelm to optimistic calm   Jump to highlights 01:40 Introduction of this episode’s topic 02:25 Jen admits that she didn't give much consideration to parenting before her daughter, Carys, was born 03:17 Jen shares how her journey into respectful parenting started through RIE 04:42 Parent Elizabeth reflects on her experience and shares what she wished she had known about parenting 06:33 The impact of unhealed trauma is reflected in the way we parent our children 07:21 How the arrival of a child can shift the balance in a relationship leading to conflict, even if both partners entered into the partnership as equals 09:05 The dynamics of patriarchal relationships 10:09 Parent Jenny reflects on her experience and shares what she wished she had known about parenting during the time she wasn't prioritizing her own need for sleep 12:29 Discussion on how patriarchal power structures can play out within the context of parenting and caregiving 13:48 Parent Jenny's decision to prioritize rest shows that her need for rest is legitimate and important 14:19 Our child expresses their unmet need by hitting 15:33 Parent Anne reflects on her visions about parenting and shares what she wished she had known about parenting 18:45 What is “Opportunity hoarding” among White parents 20:48 Parent Iris reflects on her parenting experience 22:33 The pressure that parents put on themselves that creates enormous pressure 23:50 Parent Iris realizes that buying things to solve parenting problems is not always the answer 25:14 The privilege that some parents have in terms of how they are perceived by society and the consequences they may face for certain choices 26:11 Parent Anne shares what she wished she had known about her interactions with her mom, her husband, and her child 29:53 Parent Anne shares her struggles with setting boundaries 31:14 Parent Anne's journey to becoming a better parent and healing from her own trauma 33:58 Parent Laura shares her son's potty problems and what she wished she had known about potty learning 37:13 Parent Laura highlights the importance of trusting your intuition and problem-solving skills as a parent 38:20 Respectful and gentle parenting as a tool to build a good relationship with our child 39:09 Parent Lucinda reflects on her experience and shares what she wished she had known about parenting 41:56 How understanding one's own needs is crucial for being able to have authentic relationships with family and community 43:24 Parent Melissa reflects on her experience and shares what she wished she had known about parenting 45:51 The benefits of being in an ACTion group in the Parenting Membership 47:14 Parent Benson reflects on his experience and shares what he wished he had known about parenting 48:51 Parent Amanda reflects on her experience and shares what she wished she had known about parenting 50:35 The importance of having a plan in parenting 52:03 Parent Elizabeth shares her realization that parenting is a continuous learning process 53:18 The importance of learning new skills to do things differently 55:34 Invitation to join the Parenting Membership  

This podcast episode explores frustrating behavior in children, offering strategies for parents to manage and resolve it. The host shares personal experiences and advice on understanding children's needs, responding with compassion, and setting effective limits. It emphasizes the importance of connection and offers resources for seeking help.

Giving choices’ is a hot tool in the respectful parenting world.  In the scripts, it usually goes like this:   Child: “I want a snack!” Parent: “OK!  Would you like an apple or a banana?” Child: “A banana, please!” And the parent hands over the banana. But when you actually try it in your own home, it usually looks more like this: Your child:: “I want a snack!” You: “OK! Would you like an apple or a banana?” Your child: “I want cookies!”   WHY IS THAT?!  Why does it never ‘work’ the way it’s supposed to?  Why doesn’t our child follow the script? There’s a simple and easy reason, and in this episode I break it down - and teach you the effective tool to use instead of giving choices.   Questions this episode will answer Why do parenting experts recommend giving choices to kids? Giving choices is often recommended as a "magic bullet" for getting kids to cooperate. In theory, offering limited options should give kids a sense of control while still getting them to do what you want. But there's more to why this strategy often falls flat in real homes with real kids.   What happens in real life when I try giving choices to my toddler? Scenarios in parenting books show a child happily picking a banana when offered "apple or banana." But in real life, this usually goes differently - your child wants a cookie instead! The episode reveals why this disconnect happens and how to address it.   How does giving choices change as kids get older? With older kids, the choices we offer often become more complex and loaded with hidden expectations. For example, telling a child to "choose one physical activity" carries assumptions about what's best for them. The episode explores how these underlying messages affect your relationship with your child.   Should I use choices to motivate my child to do homework? When we say things like "Do homework now and you'll be able to get screen time sooner," we're not really addressing what's behind the procrastination. We look at fascinating research about what procrastination actually means and why this approach misses the mark.   Why does my child never follow the script when I give them choices? Children have their own needs and desires that don't magically disappear when we present limited options. The podcast examines how children sense when choices aren't genuine and why they push back. It's actually a healthy part of their development!   What's the connection between rewards and giving choices? The episode makes an interesting link to research about rewards and their effects on children's motivation. There's a surprising similarity between giving choices and offering rewards that most parents never consider.   What can I do instead of giving choices that actually works? The episode introduces a framework that works for any interaction with your child. Whether it's offering clothes to a toddler or managing a teen's screen time. This approach respects both your needs and your child's, creating more authentic collaboration.   How do I know if the choices I'm offering are helpful or harmful? Some choices respect your child's autonomy, and some are just disguised attempts to control their behavior. The episode helps you spot the difference and adjust your approach accordingly.   Why do some children respond well to choices while others rebel? Every child has different needs, temperament, and ways of expressing themselves. The episode explains why understanding your unique child matters more than following any specific technique or parenting script.   What you'll learn in this episode Why the popular parenting strategy of giving choices often fails in real life, even though parenting experts recommend it! The key difference between how choices work in demonstration videos versus what happens in your actual home with your kids How presenting limited options can actually override your child's natural self-regulation abilities The surprising connection between choices and motivation. Using choices to get homework done can backfire! How choices change and get more complicated as children grow older. Learn what adjustments to make to your technique The hidden agenda behind many of the choices we offer our children. Kids can sense when choices aren't genuine A more effective alternative framework that works for every interaction with your child. F snack time to homework to curfews, we've got you covered! The tool that replaces the scripts that don't work How to move beyond power struggles to create more authentic collaboration with your child   Do you have a child aged 1 – 10? Are they resisting, ignoring you, and talking back at every request you make?   Do you often feel frustrated, annoyed, and even angry with them? Are you desperate for their cooperation – but don’t know how to get it?   If your children are constantly testing limits, the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits masterclass is for you.   Go from constant struggles and nagging to a new sense of calm & collaboration. I will teach you how to set limits, but we’ll also go waaaay beyond that to learn how to set fewer limits than you ever thought possible.   Sign up for the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits masterclass happening on May 15 at 10 AM Pacific.   Click the banner to learn more.     Other episodes referenced in this episode 086: Playing to Win: How does playing sports impact children? 170: How to stop procrastinating with Dr. Fuschia Sirois.  075: Should we go ahead and heap rewards on our kid?    Jump to highlights: (00:54)Many parenting coaches recommend giving children choices as a way to get them to cooperate. (02:43)The effectiveness of using choices to our children (05:47)Reasons why giving choices makes us lose the possibility of meeting both of our needs (08:01)How using choices motivates children to do the things they wouldn’t want to do (09:00)Why choices teach children consequences (09:40)Benefits of using true empathy (10:26)Giving choices to negotiate how children will do a chore/task (11:55)The use of rewards to motivate children fails to consider both the child’s and parent’s needs, leading to resentment and missed opportunity for making real choices (13:28)Giving choices as a win-win situation (14:05)The choices parents give often do not meet the child’s needs (17:08)Distinguishing between needs and strategies (19:01)The importance of meeting both our and our children’s needs (20:34)Ben shares his struggles before joining the Setting Limits workshop (22:55)Ben shares how effective the tools he learned in the Setting Limits workshop (26:29)Deon shares her experience after joining the Setting Limits workshop (27:01) An open invitation to join the Setting Loving (&Effective!) Limits masterclass