Parenting Beyond Power is officially available today! Come join a mini-celebration with me in this podcast episode, and TODAY on Zoom at 11am Pacific/2pm Eastern/8pm Central Europe, and in-person this weekend if you're in the Bay Area! Do you celebrate your achievements? I don't know about you, but I find it pretty difficult. I didn't celebrate getting into Berkeley or Yale, or graduating from either of those places either (in fact, I think I was in the car driving away from each of those places when the graduation ceremonies happened). I didn't celebrate getting U.S. citizenship, or have a baby shower, and Alvin and Carys buy or make me a birthday cake every year because they want to, but I don't really celebrate that either. I didn't celebrate signing a book deal two years ago, and when we rolled over 3 million downloads recently I asked someone on my team to make a quick social post...and that was it. So celebrating the book's launch feels...weird to me. But apparently people who write books do it, so I'm giving it a try - Jen style. I invited a listener, María José (MJ) Durán, to ask me whatever questions she had about the book and the writing process for a mini-celebration. (I did slip in a couple of questions for her as well, and I have to say that her response to me asking what she got out of the book was really meaningful for me - she now understands her own Mom in a way she hadn't been able to until now, which has brought María José (MJ) Durán some measure of relief.) Come join one of our mini-celebrations! Listen to the podcast episode today!   Jump to Highlights00:43   Introduction to today’s episode04:13   What sets Parenting Beyond Power apart for long-time podcast listeners and Parenting Membership members05:01   What Jen wants to accomplish in writing Parenting Beyond Power08:56  How the needs cupcake came about11:38    How Jen came up with the book’s title14:26  María José (MJ) Durán shares a positive change in setting boundaries with her daughter and questions why the same advice, given a year apart, yielded such different results21:58   How the book addresses common parenting challenges35:18   Jen’s perspective on neurodiversity in the context of the book's approach41:01   The importance of addressing privilege and White supremacy in parenting46:10   The feasibility of meeting everyone's needs in society52:30   Wrapping up  

One of the questions I'm asked most often about Parenting Beyond Power (preorder bonuses are available for just a few more days!) is:So when a group of listeners volunteered to get together to discuss what they got out of the book, that was the first thing I wanted to ask them. The core premise of the book is that the social forces of White supremacy, patriarchy, and capitalism have really hurt us - they're the biggest reason why we feel so much pain and shame. And we will pass on those hurts to our own children unless we do something different - and most of the book is about what we actually do differently to make parenting easier today, and work toward creating a world where everyone belongs. Eliza began:Kat added:Elizabeth concluded:We talked about the needs cupcake, and how we can use that to understand the needs that both we and our children are trying to meet on a regular basis. Eliza found that she's able to be more regulated by managing the level of sound around her - which she hadn't realized was a 'cherry' need for her until now! Eliza coached Elizabeth through a struggle she's having with her daughter not wanting to go to bed, and Kat talked through a beautiful story of how she's supporting her children, who have been fighting with each other a LOT. Now they fight a lot less, because their needs are met more often. We're lucky that we heard Kat share that story before her phone battery died!Parenting Beyond Power The wait is over! I'm thrilled to announce that Parenting Beyond Power is now available for you to explore.Discover practical insights and fresh perspectives that can make a positive difference in your parenting journey.Click the banner to get Parenting Beyond Power today:  Jump to Highlights00:43 Introduction to the podcast02:04 Guests introduce themselves05:00 Longtime participants discuss how the book differs from the podcast and other resources, emphasizing its unique value.08:05 Participants share their the tools they learned from the book and any resulting parenting changes.08:48 Elizabeth applies book tools like problem-solving conversations and the needs cupcake diagram, but grapples with addressing her daughter's need for community during bedtime routines.11:46 Elisa and Elizabeth discuss adapting bedtime routines to balance tasks and the daughter's need for connection.16:13 Jen offers suggestions for Elizabeth on meeting her child’s needs while setting her boundaries.19:26 Kat shares her struggle with boundary-setting due to being a people-pleaser, aiming to create a boundary-respecting environment for her children. 21:17 Elisa finds the "needs cupcake" concept valuable in recognizing and addressing recurring needs for herself and her children.27:14 Kat applies the "needs cupcake" concept to understand her children's primary needs, enabling her to address conflicts more effectively, encourage problem-solving discussions, and redirect behaviors towards meeting those needs.38:58 They highlight the significance of acknowledging and addressing unique family needs, challenging gender norms in parenting, and prioritizing the fulfillment of needs for both children and parents to cultivate positive relationships.43:08 Participants discuss their ongoing journey of personal growth and parenting transformation, highlighting the significance of self-compassion and aligning actions with values.48:10 Elisa asks about potential content that wasn't included in the book, and Jen explains the challenge of balancing content while emphasizing the importance of practical tools. 50:48 Jen underscores the significance of consistent efforts based on personal values rather than perfection, emphasizing the uniqueness of every parent-child interaction.53:15 Jen wraps up as she reflects on the question of whether parenting is easy.  

Do you try to give your children messages about gender that are aligned with your values? Do you tell your daughter that she can do anything she wants to do, and look for shows that have equal representation of male- and female-presenting characters? If so, you're off to a good start. And...there's so much more to do. One of the core ideas in my book, Parenting Beyond Power, is that we parents pass cultural messages on to our children. We do that through the books we read, the actions we praise, and the conversations we have (or don't have). I don't censor the books I'm reading to Carys - we just talk about them. Right now we're reading Wild Born, Book 1 of the Spirit Animals collection. (I did check to make sure that the concept of 'spirit animals' isn't disrespectful to Indigenous people...it turns out it's a concept that White people made up, and it's only disrespectful if we try to link it to Indigenous practices.) Here's an excerpt from the beginning of Chapter 3: "Meilin sat on a cushion before her looking glass, meticulously applying facial paint. She didn't mind letting her handmaidens prepare her for festivals or banquets. But today was important. Today she wanted to look just right. And when you wanted something done right, you did it yourself. After finishing the accents around her eyes, Meilin inspected her handiwork. It was a work of art atop a work of art. People always remarked that she was stunning. She had never needed paint on her face to earn compliments. But now she possessed an allure beyond her natural beauty." It goes on to describe the strategic imperfection in her hair that made it "more appealing," and then she practices the looks she will display during her ceremony. There's a lot going on here... It starts with the White supremacy-based idea that if you want something done right you can never rely on others but only do it yourself. (This book seems to be primarily about relationships, so I assume it's marketed to girls. And we wonder where women and mothers get the idea that they have to do it all themselves if we want it done right?) The book opened with a male character who obviously cared a lot about his clothes who waited impatiently while a servant connected forty eight clasps. No male character's face is described in this level of detail. No male character puts paint on their face. No male character is introduced to the reader as an object to be looked upon with desire. This is how cultural ideas are passed on. This is how girls learn that being pretty has currency. That it's a girl's job to create and use their appearance to manipulate others. And if any boys happen to be reading, they learn that their job is to judge the performance. These messages are harmful for all children, because they say that certain behaviors aren't acceptable in certain children - for no other reason than it doesn't match their genitals (of all things!). What messages are your children learning about gender from the books you're reading to them, or that they're reading by themselves? In this episode Virginia Mendez, author of Childhood Unlimited: Parenting Beyond the Gender Bias (affiliate link), helps us to see examples like this in books, films, toys, and even in the language we use around and toward our children. Join me for this fun conversation with Virginia as we learn how to raise children who won't be constrained by their gender, and who can express their full selves.  Virginia Mendez's Book:Childhood Unlimited: Parenting Beyond the Gender Bias (affiliate link)Parenting Beyond PowerThe wait is over! I'm thrilled to announce that Parenting Beyond Power is now available for you to explore.Discover practical insights and fresh perspectives that can make a positive difference in your parenting journey.Click the banner to get Parenting Beyond Power today:Jump to Highlights00:39Introduction of this episode’s topic and guest01:28Sex involves biological traits while gender is a diverse social identity that defies binary categorization.04:01Children's gender differences are largely influenced by societal norms and upbringing.09:11Pink's gender association shifted historically due to color symbolism, marketing, and cultural influences.10:42Despite some progress, children's media retains subtle gender biases and stereotypes.24:18Embracing non-binary identities, using inclusive pronouns, and challenging traditional gender categories can promote a more respectful and inclusive society.30:01Virginia Mendez's book highlights the societal constraints on children's potential due to gender stereotypes.43:15 Those new to the concept of non-binary identities should focus on cultivating awareness and curiosity about non-binary identities, while those already familiar can continue having open conversations with their children and encouraging exploration for an inclusive and understanding environment.46:59Embrace discomfort as a sign of personal growth and be open to adjusting to non-binary language and identities.

In this episode we hear from listener Lindsay who wonders whether it's safe to delay math learning, since (they've heard) there's a 'critical window' for learning language. Would delaying math learning mean that our child can't catch up later? Will they develop a negative view of their own learning? What if they can't get into college? We address all of these questions and more. Learning Membership Do you want to turn your child’s interests into learning opportunities? The Learning Membership is here to help you. Make learning a fun adventure that not only strengthens your bond, but also nurtures your child’s intrinsic love of learning—an essential foundation for success in an AI-driven world. Get tools and strategies to support your child’s love of learning and future-proof their success in navigating whatever comes their way. No special skills needed—just a willingness to explore alongside them. Enrollment will open again soon. All the usual stuff applies - sliding scale pricing, money back guarantee. Jump to Highlights 01:10 Listener Lindsay asks the question, “How safe is it to neglect math education until your child shows some kind of interest in wanting to do it?” 01:48 Jen gives her academic history in math and admits to applying problem-solving strategies without full comprehension. 07:44 The critical period for learning seen in animal research also applies to children with severe language deprivation during early months. 08:51 The critical period for language development and second language acquisition is questioned in relation to math learning. 12:58 Sudbury School's anecdotal evidence suggests children can learn math quickly when motivated, sparking questions about early teaching, fostering a love of learning, and the impact on future opportunities. 15:54 Emphasizing intrinsic motivation over forced comparisons in math fosters self-awareness, more vital for a fulfilling life than specific skills. 19:31 Cognitively Guided Instruction values children's math knowledge, encourages pattern exploration, and validates individual methods, fostering a deeper understanding of math concepts. 22:09 Fostering children's intuitive understanding of math through collaborative learning and self-developed algorithms is a powerful approach. 24:01 Don't worry about formal math instruction; children will naturally develop their own strategies and algorithms when provided with a supportive learning environment. References Singleton, D., & Lesniewska, J. (2021). The critical period hypothesis for L2 acquisition: An unfalsifiable embarrassment? Languages 6(3), 149.

Dr. Moira Mikolajczak, an expert on parental burnout, discusses the societal failure to support parents. Kelly reflects on the connection between school-based learning and burnout, and shares how she prioritizes important life lessons for her child. The podcast explores topics like critical thinking, meeting multiple needs, and learning from the world around us.

  Those of us in the Northern Hemisphere are in the middle of summer now, with the whirlwind of cobbled together childcare and kids at home saying: "I'm booored!".   What's happening for them when they're saying this?   And, more importantly, what should we DO about it?   We don't want to have to entertain them, but what other option is there besides threatening chores?   This episode will help you to answer their question during the summer months in a way that supports their wellbeing, and also address boredom that crops up at other points in the school year. Like when they're in school.   Because while I approached this episode from the perspective of navigating summer holidays, it turns out that most researchers can't include the word "child" and "bored" in a study without also including the word "school."   Learning Membership Do you want to turn your child’s interests into learning opportunities? The Learning Membership is here to help you. Make learning a fun adventure that not only strengthens your bond, but also nurtures your child’s intrinsic love of learning—an essential foundation for success in an AI-driven world. Get tools and strategies to support your child’s love of learning and future-proof their success in navigating whatever comes their way. No special skills needed—just a willingness to explore alongside them. All the usual stuff applies - sliding scale pricing, money back guarantee. Enrollment will open again soon. Click here to learn more! Jump to Highlights 00:59      Introduction to today’s topic 02:32      Dr. Peter Toohey's book explores various definitions of boredom, including one tied to predictable circumstances and another linked to existential despair. 04:16      The concept of boredom has evolved over time. 07:57      Boredom can be linked to dopamine levels in the brain. 10:45      Boredom is connected to negative outcomes and low dopamine activity, leading to depression, anxiety, addiction, and poor performance 13:51       Boredom in children, particularly in school, has negative consequences on academic outcomes and well-being 23:32      Exercising autonomy and pursuing assignments aligned with personal interest and relevance can foster intrinsic motivation and enhance student performance and well-being 29:53      The traditional school system prioritizes conformity over individual interests, leading to disengagement and boredom 35:47      The Learning Membership offers support and resources for parents to cultivate their child's intrinsic love of learning, whether they are in school or not 38:18      Students can combat boredom in school by gamifying tasks, finding personal meaning in them, and recognizing the value of boredom as a guide to more engaging activities 42:54      Boredom serves a purpose in learning by promoting exploration, enhancing performance on creative tasks, and signaling the need for novelty and change 45:26      The Warlpiri people in Australia embody a cultural mindset of infinite patience and being fully present in the moment, where boredom seems non-existent as they engage with their surroundings and find meaning in the immediate place and time 48:17       As explored through the lens of Buddhism, embracing boredom allows us to gain insights into our minds and self-identity, fostering a sense of peace 52:40      To wrap up, the response to a child's boredom depends on their environment–whether they are in school or at home     References https://www.gotoquiz.com/results/boredom_proness_scale Begnaud, D., Coenraad, M., Jain, N., Patel, D., & Bonsignore, E. (2020). “It’s just too much”: Exploring children’s views of boredom and strategies to manage feelings of boredom. In: Proceedings of the Interaction Design and Children Conference (p.624-636). Brankovic, S. (2015). Boredom, dopamine, and the thrill of psychosis: Psychiatry in a new key. Psychiatria Danubina 27(2), 126-137. Danckert, J. (2022). Boredom in the COVID-19 Pandemic. Behavioral Science 12(1), 428. Healy, S.D. (1984). Boredom, self, and culture. Rutherford: Farleigh Dickinson University Press. hooks, b. (1994). Teaching to transgress: Education as the practice of freedom. New York: Routledge. Joseph, N.M. (2022). Making Black girls count in math education: A Black feminist vision for transforming teaching. Boston: Harvard Education Press. LaCapra, D. (2016). Trauma, history, memory, identity: What remains? History and Theory 55, 375-400. Lehr, E., & Todman, M. (2008). Boredom and boredom proneness in children: Implications for academic and social adjustment. In: M. Todman (Ed). Self-Regulation and Social Competence: Psychological Studies in Identity, Achievement and Work-Family Dynamics (p.75-89). Athens: Athens Institute for Education and Research. Lin, Y., & Westgate, E.C. (2021). The origins of boredom. Unpublished manuscript. Retrieved from: https://psyarxiv.com/bz6n8/download?format=pdf Lomas, T. (2017). A meditation on boredom: Reappraising its value through introspective phenomenology. Qualitative Research in Psychology 14(1), 1-22. Lomas, T. (2017). A reappraisal of boredom: A case study in second wave psychology. In: N.J.L. Brown, T. Lomas, & F.J. Eiroa-Orosa (Eds.), The Routledge International Handbook of Critical Positive Psychology (p.213-226). Abingdon-on-Thames: Routledge. Musharbash, Y. (2007). Boredom, time, and modernity: An example from Aboriginal Australia. American Anthropologist 109(2), 307-317. O’Hanlon, J.F. (1981). Boredom: Practical consequences and a theory. Acta Psychologica 49, 53-82. Pfattheicher, S., Lazarevic, L.B., Westgate, E.C., & Schindler, S. (2021). On the relation of boredom and sadistic aggression. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 121(3), 573-600. Toohey, P. (2011). Boredom: A lively history. New Haven: Yale University Press. Waterschoot, J., Van der Kaap-Deeder, J., Morbee, S., Soenens, B., & Vansteenkiste, M. (2021). “How to unlock myself from boredom?” The role of mindfulness and a dual awareness- and action-oriented pathway during the COVID-19 lockdown. Personality and Individual Differences 175, 110729.

Listener Kelsey posted in the Your Parenting Mojo Facebook community a while ago asking how she should respond when her child asks: "Why does Daddy have to go to work?" She got some great answers from community members...and yet there was also a lot more to explore. I asked her to record her question so I could answer it in an episode, so here it is! Of course, the issue of Daddy going to work has intersections with patriarchy as well...and many Your Parenting Mojo listeners of both/all genders work and probably hear this question from their children, so I adjusted the title of the episode a little. The episode looks at capitalism and how it impacts our families and other peoples' families...and how we can start to have conversations about that with our children. If you'd like to ask a question for me to answer in a future Q&A episode, please email a link to a video of you asking the question to support@yourparentingmojo.com, or go to yourparentingmojo.com/question and look for the Record A Question button.Jump to Highlights00:58 Listener Kelsey asks how to honestly but age-appropriately answer the question, "Why does daddy have to go to work?"02:54 Carys shares her ideas on capitalism and work14:10 Kelsey's child isn't necessarily questioning why Daddy has to work, but rather why Daddy isn't available to play17:51 The cultural devaluation of certain types of work, the influence of capitalism, housing discrimination, and societal expectations contribute to financial burdens23:32 Every time we're making a choice to buy something, that is a choice to spend more time working24:00 The mindset plays a significant role in finding joy and value in any job25:16 Job satisfaction, financial security, and the role of money in addressing challenges and enhancing safety are crucial in deciding on work27:26 Money doesn’t guarantee safety30:11 Undervalued care work, predominantly performed by women, is crucial for the capitalist system.31:47 Building communities that meet each other's needs can provide more choices and reduce reliance on financial resources.32:59 We can talk to our children about capitalism, explaining that work allows us to meet our needs and wants, while addressing the inequalities and challenges that some people face. 35:14 Teaching children about capitalism and its objections fosters critical thinking about fairness, inequality, and alternative economic perspectives.37:40 Teaching financial literacy to children should involve a critical examination of capitalist-focused programs42:24 Wrapping up

We talk a lot about meeting needs on the show. And mostly we focus on meeting your child's needs, because when those are met then your needs for peace and ease and collaboration with your child get met as well. But of course those are not your only needs. You also have needs independent of your relationship with your children, and you deserve to have these met. Mara Glatzel's new book focuses squarely on your needs. Why is it so hard to understand what our needs are? How can we figure out what our needs are...before they explode out of us in a meltdown? And how can we get these met on a regular basis? This episode will show you how to do that. Jump to highlights: 01:20 Introduction of the guest - Mara Glatzel02:20 Mara shares the story at the beginning of her book where she tells her personal reflection when she felt learned the importance of asserting one's needs and the impact it has had on her  life and relationship06:13 Mara differentiates needs from wants09:47 The societal pressure to maintain a perfect and productive facade may just lead to burnout and a denial of our own humanity13:31 It is important to recognize and identify  physical sensations, symptoms, and circumstances associated with burnout to prevent and reverse it20:20 Setting boundaries with children allows parents to prioritize their own needs so they meet their children’s needs as well24:49 Consistently pushing ourselves beyond our limits and striving for perfection sets us up for burnout29:31 Prioritizing our own needs and well-being - even if it means doing things differently from others - is essential for sustainable productivity and a fulfilling life34:37 It can be challenging to find the right balance between meeting our children's needs and taking care of our own, but by modeling self-care, setting boundaries, and teaching them how to communicate their needs effectively, we can find ways to support each other41:36 Balancing our commitment to creating positive change with prioritizing our own well-being is crucial, as our ability to make an impact is compromised if we neglect self-care47:34 If we're unable to deal with our own needs, we make our needs other people's problems - and this impacts our relationships50:55 Mara shares about finding joy in trying new activities and embracing the freedom of being a beginner while following personal interests54:46 Wrapping up  Mara's book:Needy: How to advocate for your needs and claim your sovereignty (affiliate link) 

A lot of parents (and teachers) are concerned right now about children's resilience. Will they 'bounce back' from the difficulties of the pandemic? But is 'bouncing back' really the way we should be thinking about this? We have all been changed by the pandemic; shouldn't we acknowledge this and see how we can be the best versions of ourselves, incorporating what we've been through over the last few years, rather than trying to 'bounce back' into what we were before (which frankly wasn't all that amazing in a lot of cases, as we rushed from one thing to another with never any time for ourselves). In this episode we also consider Black and Indigenous researchers' perspectives on resilience, and see how their ideas can perhaps shift how we perceive resilience - and thus how we support our children.   Other episodes referenced 069: Reducing the impact of intergenerational trauma 140: Mythbusting about fat and BMI with Dr. Lindo Bacon 137: Psychological flexibility through ACT with Diana Hill 148: Is spanking a child really so bad? 098: Do school shooter trainings help (or hurt) children? 114: How to stop 'othering' and instead build 'belonging' 074: Attachment: What it is, what it's not, how to do it, and how to stop stressing about it 106: Patriarchy is perpetuated through parenting    Jump to highlights: 01:10 Introduction 01:34 Defining resilience from various perspectives 03:16 Resilience requires exposure to some kind of threat or severe adversity 06:37 What a lack of resilience looks like and how to measure its absence 08:16 Measuring resilience in research 09:08 The challenge of defining ‘protective’ factor 10:00 The history of research on resilience 12:03 The importance allowing children to cope with mild stressors 14:40 The Indigenous resilience 17:17 The control and dominance of indigenous peoples in Canada achieved through education and immersion in settler culture 19:25 The importance of resilience culture in Indigenous communities 21:02 A model of resilience by Dr. Edith Grotberg 27:01 Resilience determined by the dominant culture's expectations of normal, healthy, and good outcomes 30:08 The real purpose of resilience 32:18 What happens when a person isn't deemed to be resilient and why that is 33:46 Resilience as a code for social compliance 38:59 What true resilience should be about (based on the story about the Claremont Counseling Center's community building) 40:53 Wrapping up   References   Aranda, K., Zeeman, L., Scholes, J., & Morales, A. S-M. (2012). The resilient subject: Exploring subjectivity, identity and the body in narratives of resilience. Health 16(5), 548-563.   Block, P. (2008). Community: The structure of belonging. San Francisco: Berrett-Koehler.   Grotberg, E. (1995). A guide to promoting resilience in children: Strengthening the human spirit. Early Childhood Development: Practice and Reflections Number 8. Bernard van Leer Foundation.   Gutman, L.M. (2018). Risk and resilience. Reference Module in Neuroscience and Biobehavioral Psychology. https://doi.org/10.1016/B978-0-12-809324-5.21835-X   Henderson, J., & Denny, K. (2015). The resilient child, human development and the “postdemocracy.” BioSocieties 10(3), 352-378.   Hess, J. (2019). Moving beyond resilience education: Musical counterstorytelling. Music Education Research 1`(5), 488-502.   Kirmayer, L.J., Dandeneau, D., Marshall, E., Phillips, M.K., & Williamson, K.J. (2011). Rethinking resilience from an indigenous perspective. Canadian Journal of Psychiatry 56(2), 84-91.   Liu, J.J.W., Reed, M., & Girard, T.A. (2017). Advancing resilience: An integrative, multi-system mode of resilience. Personality and Individual Differences 111, 111-118.   Lopez, M., Ruiz, M.O., Rovnaghi, C.R., Tam, G.K-Y., Hiscox, J., Gotlib, I.H., Barr, D.A., Carrion, V.G., & Anand, K.J.S. (2021). The social ecology of childhood and early life adversity. Pediatric Research 89(2), 353-367.   Luthar, S.S., Cicchetti, D., & Becker, B. (2000). The construct of resilience: A critical evaluation and guidelines for future work. Child Development 71(3), 543-562.   Masten, A.S. (2001). Ordinary Magic: Resilience processes in development. American Psychologist 56(3), 227-238.   Masten, A.S.. (2021). Resilience in developmental systems: Principles, pathways, and protective processes in research and practice. In Ungar, M. (Ed.), Multisystemic resilience: Adaptation and transformation in contexts of change (p. 113-134). Oxford: Oxford University Press.   Masten, A.S., and Barnes, A.J. (2018). Resilience in children: Developmental perspectives. Children 5, 98.   McCalman, J., & Bainbridge, R. (2021). Indigenous education, well-being, and resilience – a systemic approach. In Ungar, M. (Ed.), Multisystemic resilience: Adaptation and transformation in contexts of change (p. 199-219). Oxford: Oxford University Press.   McGuire, P.D. (2010). Exploring resilience and indigenous ways of knowing. Pimatisiwin: A Journal of Aboriginal and Indigenous Community Health 8(2), 117-131.   Rutter, M. (2012). Resilience as a dynamic concept. Development and Psychopathology 24, 335-344.   Thomas, D., Mitchell, T., & Arseneau, C. (2015). Re-evaluating resilience: From individual vulnerabilities to the strength of cultures and collectivities among indigenous communities. Resilience 4(2), 116-129.   Traub, F., & Boynton-Jarrett, R. (2017). Modifiable resilience factors to childhood adversity for clinical pediatric practice. Pediatrics 139(5), e20162569   Solkoski, S.M., & Bullock, L.M. (2012). Resilience in children and youth: A review. Children and Youth Services Review 34, 2295-2303.   Wexler, L. (2013). Looking across three generations of Alaska Natives to explore how culture fosters indigenous resilience. Transcultural Psychiatry 51(1), 73-92.

Do you sometimes wish your co-parent would join you on the respectful parenting journey you’re on? Would things be easier if you were on the same page? Does it seem like you try to convince them using all the research you’ve done respectful parenting…only to have them throw up the “I don’t think we have to make a big deal out of this” card? Sarah and Declan had this dynamic in their relationship too.   Knowing each other well isn’t always enough They met when they were 10 and have been together for 15 years, so they know each other pretty well.  They had even talked about their values before they got married, and found alignment on many of them. But Declan is a psychologist working with children and families, so he got the Big Veto.  (It turns out that psychology training focuses on evidence-based strategies to change behavior…which isn’t that hard to do with rewards and punishments.  I think a lot of psychologists show up in my programs because they realize that “evidence-based” doesn’t necessarily mean “good for us” or “aligned with my values”). Sarah was struggling with the transition from two to three children, along with Declan’s full-time work, her own part-time work, and a major home renovation - they haven’t had a functional kitchen in two years.Sarah knew she needed more support…but Declan wasn’t sure.  Until he realized that when you’re on a team, you don’t tell an injured player to suck it up.  You can’t tell the parent who is struggling to figure it out by themselves.  We all have a role to play in a family that meets everyone’s needs.   A way to repair ruptures that meets both of their needs This was most apparent when Sarah would say something critical, causing a temporary rupture…and then would desperately try to repair, wanting to talk it out then and there so she could reestablish connection with him, in a reenactment of her anxious attachment relationship with her mother. Declan didn’t find that connecting at all…he saw that she was trying to make herself feel better, not to reconnect with him, and he would retreat - the exact opposite of what she was looking for from him. On a group coaching call a few months ago we worked through an example of this dynamic - and found a way to help them reestablish connection that worked for both of them that has made a profound difference in their ability to navigate conflict.  They discuss how it has worked for them in this new episode.   Parenting Membership  This isn't a course that you take once and forget, and things go back to the way they always were.Whenever you get off-track, or when a new challenge pops up, we're here to support and guide you for as long as you're a member. The membership information page has all the details on what you’ll get when you join - monthly modules of content, the not-on-Facebook community, monthly group coaching calls, weekly ACTion groups with five other members and a peer coach, occasional 1:1 coaching sessions with Jen. Join the waitlist to get notified when doors reopen in May 2025. Click the banner below to learn more.   Jump to highlights 01:20 Introduction of this episode’s guests 01:44 Basic information about Sarah and Declan’s family 02:27 Sarah’s childhood experiences and the intergenerational trauma that affected her family 07:25 Declan’s family dynamic which was not emotionally open or supportive 09:20 Declan talks about his experiences with his authoritarian father 10:30 What it was like being together for a long time and then becoming parents 11:21 What Sarah and Declan consider as the most important values they had as a family, as well as the effective parenting strategy that worked during their early years of parenthood 12:44 The challenges of transitioning to having older babies 15:19 Some challenging interactions with the kids 17:03 Declan is the stabilizing force in the family 18:41 How Declan responds to Sarah’s emotional stress 21:20 How they approach certain situations and have learned from each other's feedback 22:06 finding a balance between having a structured decision-making process and ensuring that each one is heard 23:14 How patriarchy shows up in their decision making 23:53 How their shared values allowed them to work together despite their differences 26:44 How Sarah managed to convince  Declan to join the Parenting Membership 28:52 Declan appreciates the flexibility of Parenting Membership that allows members to choose their level of engagement with the content 31:12 How being part of the Parenting Membership differs from just listening to podcasts 32:47 How the  community aspect of the Parenting Membership helps 38:58 How relationship patterns can impact difficult conversations between partners 40:38 How the Parenting Membership has made a huge difference in their parenting dynamics 50:31 How Sarah has changed to becoming less triggered 52:57 Wrapping up