Listener Kelsey posted in the Your Parenting Mojo Facebook community a while ago asking how she should respond when her child asks: "Why does Daddy have to go to work?" She got some great answers from community members...and yet there was also a lot more to explore. I asked her to record her question so I could answer it in an episode, so here it is! Of course, the issue of Daddy going to work has intersections with patriarchy as well...and many Your Parenting Mojo listeners of both/all genders work and probably hear this question from their children, so I adjusted the title of the episode a little. The episode looks at capitalism and how it impacts our families and other peoples' families...and how we can start to have conversations about that with our children. If you'd like to ask a question for me to answer in a future Q&A episode, please email a link to a video of you asking the question to support@yourparentingmojo.com, or go to yourparentingmojo.com/question and look for the Record A Question button.Jump to Highlights00:58 Listener Kelsey asks how to honestly but age-appropriately answer the question, "Why does daddy have to go to work?"02:54 Carys shares her ideas on capitalism and work14:10 Kelsey's child isn't necessarily questioning why Daddy has to work, but rather why Daddy isn't available to play17:51 The cultural devaluation of certain types of work, the influence of capitalism, housing discrimination, and societal expectations contribute to financial burdens23:32 Every time we're making a choice to buy something, that is a choice to spend more time working24:00 The mindset plays a significant role in finding joy and value in any job25:16 Job satisfaction, financial security, and the role of money in addressing challenges and enhancing safety are crucial in deciding on work27:26 Money doesn’t guarantee safety30:11 Undervalued care work, predominantly performed by women, is crucial for the capitalist system.31:47 Building communities that meet each other's needs can provide more choices and reduce reliance on financial resources.32:59 We can talk to our children about capitalism, explaining that work allows us to meet our needs and wants, while addressing the inequalities and challenges that some people face. 35:14 Teaching children about capitalism and its objections fosters critical thinking about fairness, inequality, and alternative economic perspectives.37:40 Teaching financial literacy to children should involve a critical examination of capitalist-focused programs42:24 Wrapping up

We talk a lot about meeting needs on the show. And mostly we focus on meeting your child's needs, because when those are met then your needs for peace and ease and collaboration with your child get met as well. But of course those are not your only needs. You also have needs independent of your relationship with your children, and you deserve to have these met. Mara Glatzel's new book focuses squarely on your needs. Why is it so hard to understand what our needs are? How can we figure out what our needs are...before they explode out of us in a meltdown? And how can we get these met on a regular basis? This episode will show you how to do that. Jump to highlights: 01:20 Introduction of the guest - Mara Glatzel02:20 Mara shares the story at the beginning of her book where she tells her personal reflection when she felt learned the importance of asserting one's needs and the impact it has had on her  life and relationship06:13 Mara differentiates needs from wants09:47 The societal pressure to maintain a perfect and productive facade may just lead to burnout and a denial of our own humanity13:31 It is important to recognize and identify  physical sensations, symptoms, and circumstances associated with burnout to prevent and reverse it20:20 Setting boundaries with children allows parents to prioritize their own needs so they meet their children’s needs as well24:49 Consistently pushing ourselves beyond our limits and striving for perfection sets us up for burnout29:31 Prioritizing our own needs and well-being - even if it means doing things differently from others - is essential for sustainable productivity and a fulfilling life34:37 It can be challenging to find the right balance between meeting our children's needs and taking care of our own, but by modeling self-care, setting boundaries, and teaching them how to communicate their needs effectively, we can find ways to support each other41:36 Balancing our commitment to creating positive change with prioritizing our own well-being is crucial, as our ability to make an impact is compromised if we neglect self-care47:34 If we're unable to deal with our own needs, we make our needs other people's problems - and this impacts our relationships50:55 Mara shares about finding joy in trying new activities and embracing the freedom of being a beginner while following personal interests54:46 Wrapping up  Mara's book:Needy: How to advocate for your needs and claim your sovereignty (affiliate link) 

A lot of parents (and teachers) are concerned right now about children's resilience. Will they 'bounce back' from the difficulties of the pandemic?But is 'bouncing back' really the way we should be thinking about this? We have all been changed by the pandemic; shouldn't we acknowledge this and see how we can be the best versions of ourselves, incorporating what we've been through over the last few years, rather than trying to 'bounce back' into what we were before (which frankly wasn't all that amazing in a lot of cases, as we rushed from one thing to another with never any time for ourselves).In this episode we also consider Black and Indigenous researchers' perspectives on resilience, and see how their ideas can perhaps shift how we perceive resilience - and thus how we support our children.  Other episodes referenced 069: Reducing the impact of intergenerational trauma069: Reducing the impact of intergenerational trauma 140: Mythbusting about fat and BMI with Dr. Lindo Bacon140: Mythbusting about fat and BMI with Dr. Lindo Bacon 137: Psychological flexibility through ACT with Diana Hill137: Psychological flexibility through ACT with Diana Hill 148: Is spanking a child really so bad?148: Is spanking a child really so bad? 098: Do school shooter trainings help (or hurt) children?098: Do school shooter trainings help (or hurt) children? 114: How to stop 'othering' and instead build 'belonging'114: How to stop 'othering' and instead build 'belonging' 074: Attachment: What it is, what it's not, how to do it, and how to stop stressing about it074: Attachment: What it is, what it's not, how to do it, and how to stop stressing about it 106: Patriarchy is perpetuated through parenting106: Patriarchy is perpetuated through parenting Jump to highlights:01:10Introduction01:34Defining resilience from various perspectives03:16Resilience requires exposure to some kind of threat or severe adversity06:37What a lack of resilience looks like and how to measure its absence08:16Measuring resilience in research09:08The challenge of defining ‘protective’ factor10:00The history of research on resilience12:03The importance allowing children to cope with mild stressors14:40The Indigenous resilience17:17The control and dominance of indigenous peoples in Canada achieved through education and immersion in settler culture19:25 The importance of resilience culture in Indigenous communities21:02A model of resilience by Dr. Edith Grotberg 27:01Resilience determined by the dominant culture's expectations of normal, healthy, and good outcomes30:08The real purpose of resilience32:18What happens when a person isn't deemed to be resilient and why that is33:46Resilience as a code for social compliance38:59What true resilience should be about (based on the story about the Claremont Counseling Center's community building)40:53Wrapping up ReferencesAranda, K., Zeeman, L., Scholes, J., & Morales, A. S-M. (2012). The resilient subject: Exploring subjectivity, identity and the body in narratives of resilience. Health 16(5), 548-563.Block, P. (2008). Community: The structure of belonging. San Francisco: Berrett-Koehler.Grotberg, E. (1995). A guide to promoting resilience in children: Strengthening the human spirit. Early Childhood Development: Practice and Reflections Number 8. Bernard van Leer Foundation.Gutman, L.M. (2018). Risk and resilience. Reference Module in Neuroscience and Biobehavioral Psychology. https://doi.org/10.1016/B978-0-12-809324-5.21835-XHenderson, J., & Denny, K. (2015). The resilient child, human development and the “postdemocracy.” BioSocieties 10(3), 352-378.Hess, J. (2019). Moving beyond resilience education: Musical counterstorytelling. Music Education Research 1`(5), 488-502.Kirmayer, L.J., Dandeneau, D., Marshall, E., Phillips, M.K., & Williamson, K.J. (2011). Rethinking resilience from an indigenous perspective. Canadian Journal of Psychiatry 56(2), 84-91.Liu, J.J.W., Reed, M., & Girard, T.A. (2017). Advancing resilience: An integrative, multi-system mode of resilience. Personality and Individual Differences 111, 111-118.Lopez, M., Ruiz, M.O., Rovnaghi, C.R., Tam, G.K-Y., Hiscox, J., Gotlib, I.H., Barr, D.A., Carrion, V.G., & Anand, K.J.S. (2021). The social ecology of childhood and early life adversity. Pediatric Research 89(2), 353-367.Luthar, S.S., Cicchetti, D., & Becker, B. (2000). The construct of resilience: A critical evaluation and guidelines for future work. Child Development 71(3), 543-562.Masten, A.S. (2001). Ordinary Magic: Resilience processes in development. American Psychologist 56(3), 227-238.Masten, A.S.. (2021). Resilience in developmental systems: Principles, pathways, and protective processes in research and practice. In Ungar, M. (Ed.), Multisystemic resilience: Adaptation and transformation in contexts of change (p. 113-134). Oxford: Oxford University Press.Masten, A.S., and Barnes, A.J. (2018). Resilience in children: Developmental perspectives. Children 5, 98.McCalman, J., & Bainbridge, R. (2021). Indigenous education, well-being, and resilience – a systemic approach. In Ungar, M. (Ed.), Multisystemic resilience: Adaptation and transformation in contexts of change (p. 199-219). Oxford: Oxford University Press.McGuire, P.D. (2010). Exploring resilience and indigenous ways of knowing. Pimatisiwin: A Journal of Aboriginal and Indigenous Community Health 8(2), 117-131.Rutter, M. (2012). Resilience as a dynamic concept. Development and Psychopathology 24, 335-344.Thomas, D., Mitchell, T., & Arseneau, C. (2015). Re-evaluating resilience: From individual vulnerabilities to the strength of cultures and collectivities among indigenous communities. Resilience 4(2), 116-129.Traub, F., & Boynton-Jarrett, R. (2017). Modifiable resilience factors to childhood adversity for clinical pediatric practice. Pediatrics 139(5), e20162569Solkoski, S.M., & Bullock, L.M. (2012). Resilience in children and youth: A review. Children and Youth Services Review 34, 2295-2303.Wexler, L. (2013). Looking across three generations of Alaska Natives to explore how culture fosters indigenous resilience. Transcultural Psychiatry 51(1), 73-92.

Do you sometimes wish your co-parent would join you on the respectful parenting journey you’re on? Would things be easier if you were on the same page? Does it seem like you try to convince them using all the research you’ve done respectful parenting…only to have them throw up the “I don’t think we have to make a big deal out of this” card? Sarah and Declan had this dynamic in their relationship too.   Knowing each other well isn’t always enough They met when they were 10 and have been together for 15 years, so they know each other pretty well.  They had even talked about their values before they got married, and found alignment on many of them. But Declan is a psychologist working with children and families, so he got the Big Veto.  (It turns out that psychology training focuses on evidence-based strategies to change behavior…which isn’t that hard to do with rewards and punishments.  I think a lot of psychologists show up in my programs because they realize that “evidence-based” doesn’t necessarily mean “good for us” or “aligned with my values”). Sarah was struggling with the transition from two to three children, along with Declan’s full-time work, her own part-time work, and a major home renovation - they haven’t had a functional kitchen in two years.Sarah knew she needed more support…but Declan wasn’t sure.  Until he realized that when you’re on a team, you don’t tell an injured player to suck it up.  You can’t tell the parent who is struggling to figure it out by themselves.  We all have a role to play in a family that meets everyone’s needs.   A way to repair ruptures that meets both of their needs This was most apparent when Sarah would say something critical, causing a temporary rupture…and then would desperately try to repair, wanting to talk it out then and there so she could reestablish connection with him, in a reenactment of her anxious attachment relationship with her mother. Declan didn’t find that connecting at all…he saw that she was trying to make herself feel better, not to reconnect with him, and he would retreat - the exact opposite of what she was looking for from him. On a group coaching call a few months ago we worked through an example of this dynamic - and found a way to help them reestablish connection that worked for both of them that has made a profound difference in their ability to navigate conflict.  They discuss how it has worked for them in this new episode.   Parenting Membership  This isn't a course that you take once and forget, and things go back to the way they always were.Whenever you get off-track, or when a new challenge pops up, we're here to support and guide you for as long as you're a member. The membership information page has all the details on what you’ll get when you join - monthly modules of content, the not-on-Facebook community, monthly group coaching calls, weekly ACTion groups with five other members and a peer coach, occasional 1:1 coaching sessions with Jen. Join the waitlist to get notified when doors reopen in May 2025. Click the banner below to learn more.   Jump to highlights 01:20 Introduction of this episode’s guests 01:44 Basic information about Sarah and Declan’s family 02:27 Sarah’s childhood experiences and the intergenerational trauma that affected her family 07:25 Declan’s family dynamic which was not emotionally open or supportive 09:20 Declan talks about his experiences with his authoritarian father 10:30 What it was like being together for a long time and then becoming parents 11:21 What Sarah and Declan consider as the most important values they had as a family, as well as the effective parenting strategy that worked during their early years of parenthood 12:44 The challenges of transitioning to having older babies 15:19 Some challenging interactions with the kids 17:03 Declan is the stabilizing force in the family 18:41 How Declan responds to Sarah’s emotional stress 21:20 How they approach certain situations and have learned from each other's feedback 22:06 finding a balance between having a structured decision-making process and ensuring that each one is heard 23:14 How patriarchy shows up in their decision making 23:53 How their shared values allowed them to work together despite their differences 26:44 How Sarah managed to convince  Declan to join the Parenting Membership 28:52 Declan appreciates the flexibility of Parenting Membership that allows members to choose their level of engagement with the content 31:12 How being part of the Parenting Membership differs from just listening to podcasts 32:47 How the  community aspect of the Parenting Membership helps 38:58 How relationship patterns can impact difficult conversations between partners 40:38 How the Parenting Membership has made a huge difference in their parenting dynamics 50:31 How Sarah has changed to becoming less triggered 52:57 Wrapping up

Recently, a number of parents in the Parenting Membership have posted in our community about challenges they've faced that they've navigated with grace that would have seemed insurmountable a couple of years ago.   Many of these are parents of children who are already through the toddler stage, and the parents are starting to see the tools they've been using come alive in their interactions with their children.   I thought: There's a podcast episode in that!   I asked parents to submit short videos to me responding to the question: What do you wish you had known about parenting when your children were young?   The resulting videos are collected, along with my commentary, in this week's episode.   The insights that these parents offer are profound. I don't want to give too much away, but let's just say that you're not going to hear advice about a must-have crib or wipe warmer or toy.   This is advice about: How we see ourselves What is our role as parents to guide our children without shaping them How we can be whole, fulfilled people ourselves when there's so much pressure on us to be a 'good parent'   If you want to hear from parents who share your values and who have been in it for a while to know what's worth worrying about and what isn't, this episode is for you.   Parenting Membership  If parenting feels really hard, and it seems like you’ve read all the books and you’ve asked for advice in free communities and you’re tired of having to weed through all the stuff that isn’t aligned with your values to get to the few good nuggets, then the Parenting Membership will help you out. Join the waitlist to get notified when doors reopen in May 2025. Click the banner to learn more.   Other episodes referenced in this episode: 079: What is RIE? | Your Parenting Mojo 084: The Science of RIE | Your Parenting Mojo 085: White privilege in schools | Your Parenting Mojo SYPM 010: From anxious overwhelm to optimistic calm   Jump to highlights (01:40)Introduction of this episode’s topic (02:25)Jen admits that she didn't give much consideration to parenting before her daughter, Carys, was born (03:17)Jen shares how her journey into respectful parenting started through RIE (04:42)Parent Elizabeth reflects on her experience and shares what she wished she had known about parenting (06:33) The impact of unhealed trauma is reflected in the way we parent our children (07:21) How the arrival of a child can shift the balance in a relationship leading to conflict, even if both partners entered into the partnership as equals (09:05) The dynamics of patriarchal relationships (10:09) Parent Jenny reflects on her experience and shares what she wished she had known about parenting during the time she wasn't prioritizing her own need for sleep (12:29) Discussion on how patriarchal power structures can play out within the context of parenting and caregiving (13:48) Parent Jenny's decision to prioritize rest shows that her need for rest is legitimate and important (14:19) Our child expresses their unmet need by hitting(15:33)Parent Anne reflects on her visions about parenting and shares what she wished she had known about parenting (18:45) What is “Opportunity hoarding” among White parents (20:48) Parent Iris reflects on her parenting experience(22:33)the pressure that parents put on themselves that creates enormous pressure (23:50) Parent Iris realizes that buying things to solve parenting problems is not always the answer (25:14) The privilege that some parents have in terms of how they are perceived by society and the consequences they may face for certain choices (26:11) Parent Anne shares what she wished she had known about her interactions with her mom, her husband, and her child (29:53) Parent Anne shares her struggles with setting boundaries (31:14) Parent Anne's journey to becoming a better parent and healing from her own trauma (33:58) Parent Laura shares her son's potty problems and what she wished she had known about potty learning (37:13) Parent Laura highlights the importance of trusting your intuition and problem-solving skills as a parent (38:20) Respectful and gentle parenting as a tool to build a good relationship with our child (39:09) Parent Lucinda reflects on her experience and shares what she wished she had known about parenting (41:56) How understanding one's own needs is crucial for being able to have authentic relationships with family and community (43:24) Parent Melissa reflects on her experience and shares what she wished she had known about parenting (45:51) The benefits of being in an ACTion group in the Parenting Membership (47:14) Parent Benson reflects on his experience and shares what he wished he had known about parenting (48:51) Parent Amanda reflects on her experience and shares what she wished she had known about parenting (50:35) The importance of having a plan in parenting (52:03) Parent Elizabeth shares her realization that parenting is a continuous learning process (53:18) The importance of learning new skills to do things differently (55:34) Invitation to join the Parenting Membership

This podcast episode explores frustrating behavior in children, offering strategies for parents to manage and resolve it. The host shares personal experiences and advice on understanding children's needs, responding with compassion, and setting effective limits. It emphasizes the importance of connection and offers resources for seeking help.

‘Giving choices’ is a hot tool in the respectful parenting world.  In the scripts, it usually goes like this:     Child: “I want a snack!”     Parent: “OK!  Would you like an apple or a banana?”     Child: “A banana, please!”     And the parent hands over the banana. But when you actually try it in your own home, it usually looks more like this:      Your child: “I want a snack!”     You: “OK! Would you like an apple or a banana?”     Your child: “I want cookies!”WHY IS THAT?!  Why does it never ‘work’ the way it’s supposed to?  Why doesn’t our child follow the script?There’s a simple and easy reason, and in this episode I break it down - and teach you the effective tool to use instead of giving choices.Setting Loving (& Effective!) LimitsDo you have a child aged 1 - 10? Are they resisting, ignoring you, and talking back at every request you make? Do you often feel frustrated, annoyed, and even angry with them? Are you desperate for their cooperation - but don't know how to get it? If your children are constantly testing limits, the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop is for you.  Go from constant struggles and nagging to a new sense of calm & collaboration. I will teach you how to set limits, but we'll also go waaaay beyond that to learn how to set fewer limits than you ever thought possible. Sign up now for the self-guided Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits for just $7. Click the banner to learn more.  Jump to highlights:(00:54)Many parenting coaches recommend giving children choices as a way to get them to cooperate. (02:43)The effectiveness of using choices to our children(05:47)Reasons why giving choices makes us lose the possibility of meeting both of our needs(08:01)How using choices motivates children to do the things they wouldn’t want to do(09:00)Why choices teach children consequences(09:40)Benefits of using true empathy(10:26)Giving choices to negotiate how children will do a chore/task(11:55)The use of rewards to motivate children fails to consider both the child’s and parent’s needs, leading to resentment and missed opportunity for making real choices(13:28)Giving choices as a win-win situation(14:05)The choices parents give often do not meet the child’s needs(17:08)Distinguishing between needs and strategies(19:01)The importance of meeting both our and our children’s needs(20:34)Ben shares his struggles before joining the Setting Limits workshop(22:55)Ben shares how effective the tools he learned in the Setting Limits workshop(26:29)Deon shares her experience after joining the Setting Limits workshop(27:01) An open invitation to join the Setting Loving (&Effective!) Limits workshopOther episodes referenced in this episode086: Playing to Win: How does playing sports impact children?170: How to stop procrastinating with Dr. Fuschia Sirois. 075: Should we go ahead and heap rewards on our kid? 

If there’s one topic that never fails to rile parents up, it’s sibling fighting.Why does it affect us so much?  (There are two main reasons.)Why is this happening, and what can we do about it?  There are two main reasons, and one strategy to use with each reason. That’s it!There are NOT an infinite number of reasons why this is happening, or an infinite number of things to try to get it to stop.This episode will help you to identify the cause of the fighting, and how to make it stop.Sound too good to be true?  It isn’t.  Check out what parents have said about the workshop and sign up:Setting Loving (& Effective!) LimitsDo you have a child aged 1 - 10? Are they resisting, ignoring you, and talking back at every request you make? Do you often feel frustrated, annoyed, and even angry with them? Are you desperate for their cooperation - but don't know how to get it? If your children are constantly testing limits, the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop is for you.Go from constant struggles and nagging to a new sense of calm & collaboration. I will teach you how to set limits, but we'll also go waaaay beyond that to learn how to set fewer limits than you ever thought possible. Sign up now for the self-guided Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits for just $7. Click the banner to learn more. Jump to highlights:(02:07)Challenges of having multiple children(03:39)How parents' reactions to their children's fighting can be influenced by their own past experiences with their siblings. (07:00)The need to make pause before reacting to a child’s behavior(07:52)Understanding the causes of siblings fight(08:34)A fictitious story about a sibling fight to show two possible scenarios that may result from two opposing reactions from a parent(10:40)Scenario 1: Parent explodes and blames one child as aggressor during sibling fight(12:10)Scenario 2: Parent makes a pause, remains calm, does not blame anyone(15:00)Importance of having an empathetic discussion with your children(20:45) The struggles of Adrianna and Tim began when a new child was added to the family.(24:46)How Parenting Membership help Adrianna and Tim(25:54)Adrianna shares how bodhi shows his empathy towards her sister(27:35)How adding a sibling rocks an older child’s world(28:42)What are some ways to support our older child in managing challenging emotions so that they continue to feel valued and loved by us.(31:24)Sibling fight as a child’s unskillful strategy to getting their needs met(33:55)Figuring out the commonly unmet needs of our children (35:05)The answer to a child’s unmet needs:  Spend 1:1 time with them(36:25)The importance of letting the child direct your ‘special time’(37:48)Why parents shouldn’t treat all their children in the same way(39:16) Adrianna’s reflections [accordion][accordion-item title="Click here to read the full transcript"]Kelly Peterson 00:03Hi, this is Kelly Peterson from Chicago, Illinois. There's no other resource out there quite like Your Parenting Mojo, which doesn't just tell you about the latest scientific research on parenting and child development, but puts it into context for you as well so you can decide whether and how to use this new information. If you'd like to get new episodes in your inbox along with a free infographic on 13 Reasons Your Child Isn't Listening to You and what to do about each one, sign up at YourParentingMojo.com/subscribe. If you'd like to start a conversation with someone about this episode, or you know someone who would find it useful, please do forward it to them. Thank you so much.Jen Lumanlan 00:55Hello and welcome to the Your Parenting Mojo podcast.  Your kids never fight, right?  I didn’t think so.  Of all the challenges that parents come to me with, sibling fighting is one of the biggest, and it seems like no matter what they’ve tried, it never gets better.  A lot of these parents tell me they’re able to stay calm as their children start poking at each other, either verbally or physically, and even when tensions are escalating, and then eventually something explodes and they can’t keep it together any more and they scream at their kids to just stop it.  And if their children WOULD just stop doing this, then of course our lives would be so much easier!  So can they just stop?!Jen Lumanlan 01:34I’m going to address the elephant in the room right up front and say that I’m a parent of one child, so I don’t have a problem with sibling rivalry.  I’ve never wanted to have more than one child because I’m selfish and I like the life I have with one child, and because I know I’m a better parent to one child than I could be to more than one.  And Carys has actually never wanted a sibling – we actually ask her, for fun, on a regular basis, just to see what she says, and she always says ‘no’ or buries her face in a pile of pillows or in some other way indicates that it would be a terrible idea.Jen Lumanlan 02:07But I have worked with a LOT of parents who have multiple children, and who have used the ideas I’m going to share here in this episode and have found RELIEF from the seemingly endless sibling fighting.  So I’ll walk you through how I worked with one family where the parents started out by saying: “My kids are always fighting and doing things to intentionally make the other one sad or scared.  It’s really stressful and triggering for me.  I can’t leave them together for 5 seconds because one of them will hurt the other one physically or emotionally.  We might have the same exact two toys and they each have one, and then the other will just go rip it out of the other person’s hand and throw it across the room.  And then it will end up getting physical.  I’m having a hard time even going to the bathroom some days because I never know what’s going to happen when they’re together.  Sometimes they can play together really well for a long time but then sometimes things go south immediately.”  And just a few weeks after saying that, this parent’s still very young children were able to start addressing many of the challenges they were having between themselves, without the parent even having to be involved at all.  So in this episode we’re going to talk through the factors that are involved in sibling fighting, which almost always go way deeper than whatever it is they are fighting about right now.  There are two main buckets of factors – things that are going on inside us, and things that are happening for our children.  It’s always easiest to focus on yourself first so let’s start there, and then we’ll move into what to do with your children.Jen Lumanlan 03:39So starting with ourselves, we need to understand why we are having such a big reaction to our children’s fighting.  And pretty often that happens for one of two reasons.  The first of these is that we had a crummy relationship with our siblings.  So maybe you were the oldest and you had to look out for the younger ones and they got to be kids and to push back and not be the responsible one, and you didn’t get to do that.  You were the enforcer, you had to keep them in line because your parents were working or had mental health challenges or other things going on that meant they couldn’t fully parent their children.  So you have a strained relationship with your siblings because of that.  Or maybe you weren’t the eldest or the biggest and your older and bigger sibling used to beat up on you.  That would have been a really difficult experience for you – you were probably afraid of your sibling, and tried to manage their feelings so that you wouldn’t set them off, and to a greater or lesser extent you lived under the threat of what this older and bigger person would do to you.  So when your children fight with each other, even if it’s objectively a very little disagreement, you have a narrative in your head about how if you don’t stop this now, they’re going to end up in the same dynamic that you did, with the bigger stronger one beating up on the smaller ‘weaker’ one, and the smaller one is going to get hurt, perhaps one time and perhaps many times in the future.Jen Lumanlan 04:59The important thing to recognize in this is that your children’s relationship is NOT the same as the relationship you had with your sibling.  It REMINDS you of the relationship with your sibling because you have a heightened awareness of tension.  All of your antennas are up and your radar is constantly scanning for any threat, and as soon as you see something that looks remotely like what happened between you and your sibling, your brain goes into that catastrophizing mode where you expect the worst.  But that isn’t our children’s thing to navigate.  That’s our thing to navigate.  We need to address the hurt that we’ve experienced, perhaps through therapy, so their probably relatively small squabbles don’t turn into a massive thing for us.  Not doing this healing work is always an option, but we may well find that you’re able to be around your children with more ease and calm if we do work on this.  And even if we think we can keep a lid on it now, we may well find that the kinds of struggles they have in the future escalate and trigger us then, so figuring out how to cope with it better now could really stand us in good stead.Jen Lumanlan 06:01So the other half of the stuff related to you is when you and your sibling or siblings had a great relationship. When you see your own children fighting, you again catastrophize and think, “Well, if they’re fighting like this now, how are they ever going to have the amazingly close relationship that I have with my siblings?”  And we panic and think that this is a thing that needs to be fixed URGENTLY.  Once again, this is our thing to navigate rather than theirs.  Just because they are squabbling now doesn’t mean they won’t be amazingly close later. And conversely, if they AREN’T squabbling now, that doesn’t mean they will be amazingly close later.  We can never know how our own relationship with someone else will turn out, never mind how the relationship between two other people is going to turn out.  We think that if we can prevent them from fighting now we’ll be doing everything we can to make sure they get on with each other later, but we have no way of knowing this.  All we can do is be here with what’s here now today.Jen Lumanlan 07:00So whichever of these things is true for you, the best thing you can do is to create a pause between your child’s behavior and your reaction.  You can use a lot of different tools to create that pause – parents I work with like to keep a hair tie on one wrist to remind them of their intention to be present with their children’s struggle, and before they do or say anything in these difficult moments they transfer the hair tie to the other wrist.  You can write down phrases that are meaningful to you – things like “My relationship with my children is the most important thing,” and post them on sticky notes around your house so you can look at them when you need them.  Creating that pause is a big part of what we do in the Taming Your Triggers workshop, but that doesn’t mean there’s nothing else you can do.  Another part of what you can do is to look at why your children are fighting in the first place and address THAT, and then you won’t find yourself in these difficult situations nearly as often.  So that’s the second part of our episode here today.Jen Lumanlan 07:52When I ask parents why their children fight, they often say: “It just comes out of nowhere,” or “It happens for any one of 300 reasons – one of them has something the other one wants, or one of them is building something and the other one knocks it over, or one of them finds something the other one does to be really irritating.”Jen Lumanlan 08:10Once again, we can deal with these very different causes in different ways.  The important thing to keep in mind is that when our children are doing this behavior we find it so difficult, it’s always always always an attempt to meet an unmet need.  Our job is to be a needs detective to try to uncover the unmet need so we can help them to meet that need, and then they won’t fight as much any more.Jen Lumanlan 08:34The main thing we’re looking out for here is whether the difficulties are happening in one or a few kinds of situations over and over again, or whether they’re happening seemingly all the time across multiple types of situations.  Let’s start with the individual one off situations first, and I’m going to introduce children’s genders into a fictitious story just to make it easier to follow.  This example is actually taken from my book, which now has a title!  It’s called Parenting Beyond Power and is available for pre-order now, before it’s released on August 1!Jen Lumanlan 09:04Let’s say your four year old son is building a really tall block tower in the living room while you’re in another room nearby, and your two-year-old daughter comes running in and all of a sudden you hear a big crash as the blocks hit the floor, and then your two-year-old screams which usually means the four-year-old has hit her.  What do you do?  Just take a moment to put yourself in that situation, or a similar situation you’ve had with your child, and imagine what you might do, and what you would say to your child.Jen Lumanlan 09:39Okay, so let's give this a whirl. Let’s try and imagine together how this conversation might go.  So maybe you come running into the living room and say: “Hey!  Stop it!  Don’t smack your sister like that!  We do not hit!”  Your son refuses to look at you, so you console little sister and say something like “There there; it’s OK; it’s not your fault,” and to your son you say: “What on earth were you thinking?”  Your son still avoids looking at you and says: “She knocked my tower over.”Jen Lumanlan 10:08And you had just about been able to keep a lid on your feelings up to this point but then it explodes and you say: “I don’t care!  You can build another one!  I know it’s hard to have something knocked down, but that’s no excuse.  Don’t hit your sister!  Go and sit in the corner for three minutes and when you come back, you’d better be ready to apologize to her.”   Jen Lumanlan 10:26Your son goes and sits in the corner and when he comes back he says something that sounds vaguely like ‘sorry.’  So it seems like the interaction is over, and that the child has learned a lesson but what has really happened here?  Let’s walk this through step by step.Jen Lumanlan 10:40So the parent came in and judged one child as the aggressor and the other the victim.  The parent asked a rhetorical question about what the older child was thinking but they aren’t really asking to get an answer.  The child is feeling unsafe in that moment and completely disconnected from their parent, so they’re not going to say anything about how they’re really feeling.  These rhetorical questions are actually quite shame-inducing – you may be able to remember times when your own parents asked you these kinds of questions and how disconnecting it was to be on the receiving end.  You might have known that you had to respond, but that would never be with anything that actually revealed anything about yourself.  Then the parent created even more separation by sending the child to time out.  And this can seem like a reasonable option – after all, the child has to be punished in some way for hitting, right?  Otherwise they’ll think that hitting is acceptable and they’ll keep doing it.  The parent picks a Time Out as the least harmful punishment they can think of, and forces the child to apologize at the end, and superficially the situation is ‘fixed.’  But under the surface it’s anything but fixed.  We’ve either created or, more likely, widened, a rift between us and our child, and the child is probably feeling both angry and resentful toward their sibling – and toward their parent as well.  But what else are we supposed to do?  Doesn’t any alternative mean that we’re letting our child get away with behavior that we think is clearly unacceptable?  Well no, it doesn’t.  Let’s see how this interaction might go differently.Jen Lumanlan 12:10So the situation is the same: your son is in the living room building a block tower; you’re close by, but not in the same room, you hear your daughter come running into the living room and the crash as the blocks hit the floor followed by the scream.  What do you do?  Firstly, you use some of the tools we talked about in the first part of this episode and create a pause between your child’s behavior and your response.  So unless you think someone is in very grave danger at this point, rather than rushing into the situation, pause.  Transfer your hair tie from one wrist to the other.  Look at your sticky notes.  Take a deep breath.  Remind yourself of your intention and of what’s most important to you, and also that you don’t have to completely fix this situation right now.  You don’t have to teach your son a lesson in this moment; all you have to do is make sure everyone is safe.Jen Lumanlan 12:59So as you go into the room you’re looking for anyone who is hitting anyone else, or any other kind of danger, and separating children if that’s the case.  If anyone is hurt then of course you can comfort them, but try to do it in a way that doesn’t put any blame on anyone for what happened.  You don’t actually need to say anything in that moment.  You can just be with them with a calm presence, which hopefully IS actually a calm presence, because you haven’t been stuffing your feelings down; you’ve taken those few moments before you came into the room to re-regulate yourself.  If you do want to say something, it could be something as simple as: “Sounds like you’re both having a hard time right now, huh?”  or if you became dysregulated as well, you could say: “We’re all having a hard time right now, huh?”.  Then just sit with your children, with no need to do anything or fix anything or get anyone to learn any lesson in that moment.  Just be present with them.  If they want to talk about it you can engage, but if they don’t, that’s fine too.  Maybe they’ll pick up their play again or you might suggest that one child comes and does something with you.Jen Lumanlan 14:04Then, later, you could go to the older child and say something like: “Hey, I noticed we’ve been having a hard time when your toys are out in the living room.  Would it be OK if we chat about it?”  Notice the difference between this opening and the opening in the first version of this scenario.  The parent is coming in without blaming anyone and saying “WE’RE having a hard time,” not “you’re doing something wrong and you need to change your behavior.  The parent is also inviting the child into a discussion, and is willing to not have the discussion right now if the child doesn’t want to.  And you may be thinking “well, then my child just says they don’t want to talk about it and they get away with this unacceptable behavior!”, and my response would be that you can’t force them to have a conversation with you.  You can force them to listen while you talk, but you can’t force them to really share what’s going on...

This Q&A episode comes from a special education preschool teacher had listened to the Why We Shouldn’t Read The Your X-Year-Old Child books anymore, and wondered: My first thought was: There’s no way I’m touching that question, because I don’t have the relevant qualifications and I’ll get torn apart.I’ve been in some groups for Autistic parents for several months now, and one thing that’s abundantly clear is that qualified professionals use ‘treatments’ for Autistic children that these now-grown up people describe as abuse (and believe me; I don’t use that word lightly.  It’s a direct quote from many different people).So if the qualified professionals are using methods that the people who have experienced them call abusive, I think I have a responsibility to at least offer thoughts for parents to consider as they’re navigating the process of diagnosis and treatment.Too often, parents are pushed to take their child directly from diagnosis to treatment, as if we’re missing some critical window of opportunity.  But what if no treatment was sometimes the best option?I don’t consider this episode to be The Final Word on What Parents Should Do.  It’s more of a conversation starter…a way to raise some ideas that parents might not hear from the doctors who are pushing them toward treatment as fast as possible. Setting Loving (& Effective!) LimitsDo you have a child aged 1 - 10? Are they resisting, ignoring you, and talking back at every request you make? Do you often feel frustrated, annoyed, and even angry with them? Are you desperate for their cooperation - but don't know how to get it? If your children are constantly testing limits, the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop is for you.Go from constant struggles and nagging to a new sense of calm & collaboration. I will teach you how to set limits, but we'll also go waaaay beyond that to learn how to set fewer limits than you ever thought possible. Sign up now for the self-guided Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits for just $7. Click the banner to learn more.  Jump to highlights(02:20) Parent Jessie’s question about her child(03:13) Listener Teacher’s question about intervention and therapy among children with Autism(05:42) The purpose why Autism support groups exist (06:25) The negative impacts of Applied Behavior Analysis (ABA) Therapy to children with Autism(07:32) The rush to get a child into therapy(08:33) The Medical Model of therapy(09:27) Therapy and Capitalism(10:01) Consider joining communities for support before getting into therapy(12:09) First point to consider before getting a child into therapy:  We are all neurologically different(13:05) Second point to consider before getting a child into therapy:  The aim of therapy (16:38) Third point to consider before getting a child into therapy:  The benefit of therapy to the child(20:24) The need for a child’s active (verbal/nonverbal) consent to therapy(24:44) The impact of family environment on a child in therapy(26:56) Finding the appropriate therapy for very young children

If you're anything like me, navigating conflict comes pretty easily to you. You always know what to say to make your point in a tone that's firm but still inviting, right? You listen for the purpose of understanding the other person and don't just use the time while the other person is speaking to form your own rebuttal? You never get overwhelmed, and maintain your own sense of boundaries even when the discussion argument gets really heated?   (Yeah, me either, really...)   A few months ago I put out a request for folks who disagree with me on a social issue to let me know if they would be willing to come and discuss the topic with me on a podcast episode.   I had just read Mónica Guzmán's book I Never Thought Of It That way, which concludes with an invitation to practice the tools she teaches about navigating conflict more effectively, and I thought: "Well, let's do it!" Mónica agreed to moderate a conversation and I put out a call for folks to participate...   ...and let's just say that the silence was deafening.   (And I was kind of disappointed. I mean, you all are a pretty opinionated bunch, right? And I KNOW some of you disagree with me about some things...)   The one person who responded was parent Lulu, who wrote: "I do admit that I disagree with your recent focus on White privilege and how it seems to make its way into almost every episode. Yes, it’s something to be aware of, but I don’t want that awareness to drive many of my and my kids' decisions and conversations."   Of course my first thought was "Well, you're wrong," but when I responded: "Tell me more!" she added that she sees topics like school, behavior, nutrition, empathy, and other factors as all more important than discussing White privilege on a regular basis.   "Super," I said. "Let's talk."   So we each prepared for the conversation using a framework described in Mónica's book, and as we were talking Mónica pointed out what we were doing well (and shockingly few things we weren't doing well) to build our mutual understanding.   I think it's safe to say we both got more out of it than we had anticipated. We recorded it several weeks ago and I also recorded a postscript with some thoughts on the conversation as well as how we might apply the ideas we used in less structured situations we find ourselves in on a regular basis.   This episode will help you to understand people who are important to you even when they have ideas that are very different from yours, and find common ground so you can work, play, and be together.   Mónica Guzmán's book I Never Thought Of It That Way (Affiliate link)         Jump to Highlights   01:01 Introducing today’s guest   02:39 This episode demonstrates using Monica's tools for productive conversations with differing views.   03:38 The 'conversation dial, EPACT, helps assess and enhance productive discussions by considering factors like full communication, equal platform footing, focused attention, contained conversations, and timing.   08:36 The conversation between Jen and Lulu is set to begin with a commitment to trust and exploring ideas in an open environment. They set the stage by discussing their objectives.    13:51 They engage in an eight-minute back-and-forth discussion, where they reflect on what they've learned about each other's perspectives.   36:43 They delve into the complexities of their roles in addressing interconnected issues like White supremacy, ecology, and consumerism, recognizing areas of uncertainty while aiming for a deeper understanding of each other's viewpoints.   44:09 Monica praised Jen and Lulu for their open and respectful dialogue, noting their effective use of clarifying questions and their willingness to discuss sensitive issues.    46:30 Lulu and Jen expressed their appreciation for the enlightening conversation, noting the importance of respect and curiosity when discussing challenging topics.  52:42 Wrapping up the discussion