Your Parenting Mojo - Respectful, research-based parenting ideas to help kids thrive

Dr. Nadine Burke Harris, a leading physician and former Surgeon General of California, joins Jackie Thu-Huong Wong, Executive Director of First 5 California, to discuss the profound effects of Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) on health. They explore how ACEs influence both mental and physical well-being, stressing the importance of supportive adult relationships in fostering resilience. The duo also shares insights on authoritative parenting styles and introduces a new feature offering varying levels of engagement for parents interested in these crucial topics.

201: How to create a culture of consent in our families explores the challenges of getting children to comply and the importance of consent in parenting. It discusses the influence of culture, media, and personal experiences on our perception of consent. The podcast also explores slut-shaming and the need to establish a culture of consent within families. It offers practical tips for honoring children's autonomy and fostering effective communication. Overall, the episode provides insights into creating a harmonious and respectful environment for children to thrive.

When I saw that our 200th episode was coming up, I knew I wanted to do something special to celebrate. Listeners called in with questions for me for our 100th episode, which was released in September 2019. The numbering is a bit fuzzy, I have to admit - we're actually well over 200 episodes because there have been an assortment of Sharing Your Parenting Mojo conversations with parents and other folks that use a different numbering system, but whatever. It's still a milestone😊   Back then, I was just getting into exploring big social justice issues on the podcast. Early in 2020 I did two episodes on how patriarchy affects our parenting, followed by an extended series on the intersection of race and parenting, and several episodes on advertising and consumerism.   We learned a lot about sex, and I started what has become a series of 'deconstructed' episodes where I examine an idea that is usually assumed to be 'the way it is,' and find out that perhaps that isn't the way it is after all. I looked at: How most of what we think we know about attachment theory is probably wrong Authoritative isn't the best parenting 'style' The current darling of anyone working on mental health, Polyvagal theory, is most likely a myth (although it may still be a somewhat useful myth)   In June of 2022, in preparation for a pair of episodes on supporting neurodivergent parents and children, I interviewed Dr. Hanna Bertilsdotter-Rosqvist, who is autistic, to test out the autism screener. I wasn't expecting it to return a positive result for me, ultimately resulting in a self-diagnosis that, of course, I shared in an episode. Lots of listeners reached out after that one to offer gratitude, and one message I will carry for a long time said something like: "I always conceptually knew that neurodivergent people have value but it wasn't until I heard how your autism helps you to process all of this information for us that I truly got it."   So given that you've heard a lot from and about me over the last few years, I thought a natural next step would be to offer listeners the option of asking my husband Alvin anything they wanted!   We received quite a few questions, and two listeners - iris, who has been around for many years, and Corrine who joined us more recently - stepped up to co-interview him. I was quite willing to throw him to the wolves and let him do the interview himself but he wanted me to be there, so I joined as well. (I should note that the conversation was scheduled for a week when some really hard things were happening in a community that I'm in, and my energy level was a bit low.)   Alvin has many amazing qualities but succinctness has never been among them, so unfortunately we only made it through about half of iris and Corrine's questions, as well as those that listeners submitted. We did talk about: Alvin's relationship with his own parents (who think we're terrible parents to Carys); How we met (an inappropriate workplace relationship!); How Carys is similar to/different from us; What I was like before I started the podcast compared to now; How Alvin has changed over the last 10 years, as a person and as a parent - and how he's deepening his relationship with Carys using Your Parenting Mojo's tools   We plan to come back for round two in the future!   Here are a couple of things we talked about on the episode: A somewhat difficult-to-see picture of Alvin with long bleached hair My guides to hiking the Tour du Mont Blanc with a baby   Jump to highlights 00:42 Introduction to this episode 00:55 Guest hosts Iris and Corrine introduce themselves 06:54 Alvin shares the elevator pitch for his love story with Jen 15:18 Jen’s qualities that drew Alvin to her 20:42 Alvin’s childhood and family interactions while growing up 27:17 Family conflicts arising from diverse approaches to meeting core needs, especially in Carys's relationship with her grandparents 32:22 The changes (if any) in Jen's personality and approach to parenting from before she started researching the topic to the present 37:28 Alvin’s reflection on the impact and significance of Your Parenting Mojo 43:51 The ways Carys differs from Jen and Alvin 47:14 The most significant shifts for Alvin as a parent and as a person. 57:56 Wrapping up the discussion

Listener Rachel also reached out with some questions, and due to my book tour schedule it took us a little longer to get a call on the calendar, but eventually - on a day in Seattle when I also had a coaching call and two two-hour workshops based on the book - we made it happen.   Rachel's questions go deeeep. She wanted to know:   If there are ideas I logically know are the right ones to follow but I still have trouble doing it; How my parenting is evolving as Carys gets older (her own daughter is a year older than Carys); Whether I think my view of parenting is possible within the social and political systems in which we currently live.   Parenting Beyond Power Do you want to change the way you parent and make a positive impact on your family and the world?   Parenting Beyond Power is your key to unlocking this transformative path.   Embrace a fresh parenting approach, nurturing collaborative and harmonious connections with your children, all while contributing to a more inclusive and equitable world for all.   So don't hesitate – start transforming your parenting journey today, and grab your copy of Parenting Beyond Power now to get started! Click the banner to learn more.     Taming Your Triggers Do you often find yourself caught in the whirlwind of your child's challenging behavior?   Are you seeking ways to foster calm and connection in your parenting journey, even during the most trying moments?   Look no further—Taming Your Triggers will help.   If you: Often feel triggered by your child’s difficult behavior… Want to find out how to get your child to stop doing the thing that drives you up the wall Know you want to respond calmly to your child but can’t seem to do it in the moment… Want to parent with love and connection even on the most stressful days Feel like gentle parenting techniques won’t ‘work’ with your child Then Taming Your Triggers is for you.   This workshop will empower you with the tools, insights, and support to navigate the ups and downs of parenting with confidence. It helps in all relationships - spouses and parents/in-laws too!   Join the waitlist to get notified when doors reopen.     Jump to highlights 01:20  Introducing today’s guest and topic 03:51  Rachel asks how the content of Parenting Beyond Power differs from that of the podcast 07:19  Rachel appreciates the comprehensiveness of the book and asks if there will be another on the topic of Taming Your Triggers. 07:56  Jen recommends a related book and emphasizes the value of community support for deep inner work in changing reactions to triggers. 08:46  Rachel asks whether power is inherently bad, specifically in the context of parents having power. 14:01  Jen warns against using parental power to control love and belonging through conditional rewards, leading to an unhealthy dynamic with children. 15:12  Rachel asks Jen about personal struggles applying podcast principles, questioning if difficulties persist despite knowing they're right. 19:32  Jen emphasizes recognizing resistance in both children and adults and discusses the trifecta of frustration, anger, and resentment as indicators of unmet needs for parents and children. 21:39  Jen discusses how she reconciles being research-based when acknowledging the biases in the research. 26:42  Rachel asks how Jen measures success. 28:18  They explore whether it's reasonable to ask parents, especially White parents, to challenge societal norms and emphasize the collective responsibility to confront and dismantle systems rooted in White supremacy. 32:28  The conversation mentions the overrepresentation of participants with one or two children, speculating on political leanings. Jen affirms her parenting approach's relevance for families with more children. 36:00  Jen talks about her hopes for readers and what she wants them to take away from the book. 39:33  Rachel acknowledges understanding the book's emphasis on building a better society through individual change. 40:23  Wrapping up the discussion

A couple of years ago I was watching a session of the Alliance for Self-Directed Education's online conference by unschooling advocate Idzie Desmerais. At some point she dropped a quote into her presentation that I jotted down but didn't think much of at the time:   What if your ideas about politics were just your ideas about childhood, extrapolated?   I returned to my notes some months later, having spent much of that time immersed in writing the first draft of the book, the quote almost took my breath away. There, right in front of me, was a single sentence that encapsulated so much of what I'd been thinking and writing about.   On the surface, it may seem as though these topics are completely unrelated but they are actually intimately connected.   We use politics set up systems that support the culture we want to live in.   We create systems that make it harder to vote because we don't think everyone should be able to vote - especially if you aren't White, male, or at least middle class.   We abolish Affirmative Action in college admissions because we think everyone has the same basic chance to succeed, so there's no reason to support some more than others.   Government policies establish the conditions of capitalism - like manipulating interest rates, regulating companies' ability to engage in certain business practices, and offering tax cuts for activities we collectively think are good, which ends up transferring wealth from people with less money who rent, to people with more money who buy homes.   And we shape them to try to ensure their success in these systems.   If we believe that people should basically take care of themselves rather than relying on support from others, since we all have equal skills and freedoms, then we're probably going to raise children who do things for themselves without relying on other people.   If we see that boys get punished for 'being soft' and that girls get punished for expressing big ideas (Clementine Ford's Boys Will Be Boys, which discusses online take-downs of women who express ideas, is one of the most depressing books I've ever read), then we're probably going to raise boys who don't express weakness, or girls who express big ideas. (Little ideas are OK...but nothing that could rock the boat too much.)   If we think that there are limited resources in the world and our child has to get their place in school, university, employment or someone else will, then we're going to work to get our child ahead in that system.   And because all of those systems out in the world rely on one person or group's power over another person or group, we practice that at home as well.   In this provocative episode, Dr. Toby Rollo explains in-depth how our ideas about politics are our ideas about childhood, extrapolated. Yes, it's theoretical...but we also discuss what this means for OUR real children in OUR real families.   Parenting Beyond Power Do you want to change the way you parent and make a positive impact on your family and the world? Parenting Beyond Power is your key to unlocking this transformative path. Embrace a fresh parenting approach, nurturing collaborative and harmonious connections with your children, all while contributing to a more inclusive and equitable world for all. So don't hesitate – start transforming your parenting journey today, and grab your copy of Parenting Beyond Power now to get started! Click the banner to learn more.     Jump to highlights 00:42 Introduction to today’s guest and topic 02:16 The definition of children and childhood 04:58 The historical shift from a protective view of childhood to a modern perspective emphasizing children's progression toward becoming adults and citizens 10:55 The developmental view of childhood is criticized for biases, as it deems non-Western governance as inferior. 16:23 Dr. Toby Rollo challenges the Western perspective on political agency, seeing children as political agents. 20:38 Dismantling racism and patriarchy requires challenging early patterns of oppression in adult-child relationships 30:50 Advocating for a change in society's focus to better empower children and families 37:12 Exploring the link between political ideologies and ideas about childhood 45:12 Dr. Rollo suggests conventional school success doesn't guarantee overall well-being and advocates for fostering children's internal motivation and self-awareness. 54:00 Wrapping up the discussion   References Araujo, E., Ferretti, F., Ince, A., Moason, K., Mullenite, J., Pickerill, J., Rollo, T., & White, R.J. (2017). Beyond electoralism: Reflections on anarchy, populism, and the crisis of electoral politics. ACME: An International E-Journal for Critical Geographies 16(4), 607-642. Brito Vieira, M., Jung, T., Gray, S.W.D., & Rollo, T. (2019). The nature of silence and its democratic possibilities. Contemporary Political Theory 18, 424-447. Rollo, T. (2016). Everyday deeds: Enactive protest, exit, and silence in deliberative systems. Political Theory 45(5), 587-609. Rollo, T. (2016). Democracy, agency, and radical children’s geographies. In: R.J. White, S. Springer, and Lopes de Sousa, M.: The Practice of Freedom: Anarchism, Geography, and the Spirit of Revolt (Vol. 3) (p.235-255). Lanham, MD: Rowman & Littlefield Rollo, T. (2018). Feral children: Settler colonialism, progress, and the figure of the child. Settler Colonial Studies 8(1), 60-79. Rollo, T. (2018). The color of childhood: The role of the child/human binary in the production of anti-Black racism. Journal of Black Studies 49(4), 307-329. Rollo, T. (2020). Women and Children First! Childhood, Feminisms, and the Co-emancipatory Model. Turbulent Times, Transformational Possibilities?: Gender and Politics Today and Tomorrow, 199.

This is the first in a series of 'back to basics' episodes here on the show, where we'll look at the everyday challenges you're facing as a parent. (Have an idea for an episode? Share it on this thread in our free Facebook group, send us a max 2 minute video of you saying your question, or click here to record an audio message for me...)   I'd wanted to do an episode on the use of reward & punishment systems in classrooms for a while, and when I mentioned this to my community manager Denise, she immediately started telling me all about the systems in her children's classrooms. So Denise sent me her questions, and we chatted through the research-based answers in this episode.   To make it easier for you to start a conversation at your school about rewards and punishment systems, I've created a one page 'cheat sheet' for you to share with others. Just click the image below to download it!     Jump to highlights 01:26 Introducing today’s guest and topic 03:16 Denise delves into her decision to opt for public school, specifically the factors that led her to choose the particular school she did over other available options 07:53 Denise shares her experiences related to rewards and punishments prompted her to discuss this episode 14:51 Positive Behavior Intervention and Support (PBIS) is explored, with the discussion touching on concerns about potential humiliation and conflicting principles in behavior management systems 25:50 Behavior issues result from the coercive U.S. education system, where teachers may prioritize quiet classrooms over addressing problems, potentially hindering genuine student learning. 27:14 Ways to foster kids' intrinsic motivation in light of the prevalent use of extrinsic motivation in the classroom are explored 32:22 Self-determination theory and its application in this context is discussed 35:44 Strategies to prevent burnout for children are explored, considering their substantial time in school, with a focus on identifying warning signs of any diminishing effectiveness in current approach. 44:32 Addressing racialized parents' support of the system involves recognizing privilege and having delicate conversations to advocate for change 53:33 Identify and address barriers like childcare and transportation to make parental involvement more accessible and effective in the community. 55:03 Fostering a culture of autonomy, connectedness, and competence in the classroom requires understanding and meeting the diverse needs of students and teachers, building genuine connections, and addressing concerns to create a community of care and love in the learning environment. 01:04:32 Understanding individual needs and values is crucial when considering educational choices. 01:09:58 Wrapping up   References Adams, D. (2015). Implementation of school-wide Positive Behavior Supports in the Neoliberal Context in an Urban Elementary School. Unpublished doctoral dissertation, Syracuse University. Bornstein, J. (2017). Can PBIS build justice rather than merely restore order? In The School to Prison Pipeline: The Role of Culture and Discipline in School (p.135-167). Retrieved from: http://dx.doi.org/10.1108/S2051-231720160000004008 Bornstein, J. (2017). Entanglements of discipline, behavioral intervention, race, and disability. Journal of Cases in Educational Leadership 20(2), 131-144. Bornstein, J. (2015). “If they’re on Tier I, there are really no concerns that we can see:” PBIS medicalizes compliant behavior. Journal of Ethnographic & Qualitative Research 9, 247-267. Calais, J., & Green, M. (2022). The racial pandemic: Positive Behavior Intervention Support as an asymptomatic carrier of racism. Perspectives on Early Childhood Psychology and Education 6(1), Article 4. Compise, Karin D. (2019). Student perceptions of the clip chart management system. Unpublished doctoral dissertation, University of the Pacific, Stockton, CA. Kim, R.M., & Venet, A.S. (2023). Unsnarling PBIS and Trauma-Informed Education. Urban Education 1-29. DOI: 10.1177/00420859231175670 Kowalski, M.J., & Froiland, J.M. (2020). Parent perceptions of elementary classroom management systems and their children’s motivational and emotional responses. Social Psychology of Education 23, 433-448. Lewis, T. J., & Sugai, G. (1999). Effective behavior support: A systems approach to proactive School wide management. Focus on Exceptional Children, 31(6), 1-24. Noddings, N. (2005). The challenge to care in schools. New York: Teacher’s College Press. Robbins, C.G., & Kovalchuk, S. (2012). Dangerous disciplines: Understanding pedagogies of punishment in the neoliberal states of America. Journal of Pedagogy 3, 198-218. Shalaby, C. (2017). Troublemakers: Lessons in freedom from young children at school. New York: The New Press. Williamson, B. (2017). Decoding ClassDojo: Psychopolicy, social-emotional learning, and persuasive educational technologies. Learning, Media and Technology 42(4), 440-453.

 Do you worry about the state of the Earth? Climate change perhaps above all else, but also resource extraction, air pollution, and the injustice that goes along with the ways the impacts of these things are distributed? You're not the only one. I know not everyone goes this far, but one of the reasons I waited so long to have a baby, almost didn't have a baby, and will only have one child is to reduce my impact on climate change. We all know we're supposed to fly less, drive less, and eat less meat. But how can those actions ever be enough, when (I read somewhere a long time ago) that there aren't enough resources on the planet for everyone to consume the resources that an unhoused person in the United States uses? In her new book Parenting on Earth: A Philosopher's Guide to Doing Right by Your Kids - and Everyone Else's (affiliate link), Dr. Elizabeth Cripps walks us through the moral arguments involved in taking action on these issues - as well as the ones we use to justify not taking action. I really enjoyed this book. There are so many ways it could have gone wrong. Dr. Cripps is a White European philosopher writing about ways we can reduce our environmental impact. The book could have been dense (ever get lost trying to follow a philosophical argument? 🙋‍♀️) It could have been preachy. It could have been completely tone-deaf, and say that we all bear the same responsibility to make changes. It doesn't do any of those things. It's easy to understand, practical, and acknowledges Dr. Cripps' (and many of her readers,' including my own) place in society. This is our responsibility - but also not just our responsibility. We need systemic change at the State, national, and international levels as well. This book helps you see what you can do by yourself, and also when you combine your efforts with others, which is a lot bigger than the sum of its parts. And that makes it an interesting, hopeful read. (I worked in sustainability consulting for a decade and I learned some things!)  Elizabeth Cripps' book: Parenting on Earth: A Philosopher's Guide to Doing Right by Your Kids - and Everyone Else's (affiliate link)  Jump to Highlights01:20 Introduction to today’s episode and featured guest 02:39 Dr. Elizabeth Cripps gives a brief overview of what climate change is and how it is already affecting and will continue to affect us in the future04:40 The moral aspect of climate change 06:39 The challenge of differentiating individual and governmental responsibilities regarding climate change12:20 The connection between shame and topics like White supremacy, patriarchy, capitalism, and climate change17:51 How broader societal concerns, like climate change, influence your everyday decision-making26:10 Exploration on whether the Western-developed framework for climate change can be adapted to different cultures with varied moral perspectives28:20 The choice of having children and how climate concerns influenced that decision 35:20 The concept of fairness and how children often have a strong sense of morality and fairness37:18 A playful approach to life and problem-solving can inspire creativity for solving complex issues38:54 How parents can engage in climate activism and justice alongside their everyday responsibilities 43:28 How parents might justify not taking action or not fully acknowledging climate change as a significant problem45:20 Addressing climate change as a shared responsibility48:12 Nurturing environmentally responsible children 51:42 Wrapping up discussion References Cripps, E. (2022). What climate justice means, and why we should care. London: Bloomsbury Continuum. Cripps, E. (2017). Do parents have a special duty to mitigate climate change? Politics, Philosophy & Economics 16(3), 308-325. Cripps, E. (2017). Justice, integrity, and moral community: Do parents owe it to their children to bring them up as good global climate citizens? Proceedings of the Aristotelian Society 117(1), 41-59. Seebach, N. (2018). Is classroom boredom hidden guilt? A comparison between teaching Aboriginal history in Australia and Post-Holocaust history in Germany. NEQ: Emerging Scholars in Australian Indigenous Studies 

Hunter Clarke-Fields, author of 'Raising Good Humans' and 'Raising Good Humans Every Day', discusses the differences between her two books. The chapters in her new book are short, making it easy to read and implement ideas. She emphasizes the need to shift from controlling children to teaching and guiding them. They explore the benefits of connection-based parenting and reflect on their experiences as parents. They also touch on the importance of embracing and managing anger, asking for help, and being present and supportive for children.

Do you ever feel triggered by your partner's behavior? (No? Just me? 😬) Many parents who join the Taming Your Triggers workshop sign up for help navigating their children's behavior...and then once they're inside they confess that their partner's behavior is even more triggering than their child's. As you might imagine, many of the participants in the Taming Your Triggers workshop are women. (Classic patriarchy at work: caregiving is women's work, and so is managing the emotional climate of the family, so why does a male partner in a cisgender, heterosexual relationship need to bother?) So I've been especially glad to see that more and more men are taking the workshop - and last time around we also had several couples participating together. Elizabeth and Marshall are physical therapists who travel and work to pay off their student loan debt. They had a three-year-old, and then became unexpectedly pregnant - with twins! Both Elizabeth and Marshall had fairly typical middle class childhoods...they had enough with out being rich, but underneath the veneer that 'everything's fine' lurked disconnection from parents, unexpressed anger, and mental illness - as well as the societal messages of getting out of debt and preparing for retirement. Elizabeth had no idea she had anger issues until she became a parent. Suddenly she felt both anger and shame about her anger, not understanding that the anger was wrapped up in her childhood. Since Elizabeth and Marshall have organized their entire lives around paying off their student loan debt, it was hard to commit to spending money on not just one but two enrollments in Taming Your Triggers. Up to that point, Elizabeth often felt she was the one doing the work and dragging Marshall along...but he saw how important this was to her, and went all-in alongside her. They've noticed profound shifts in their capacity to be with their children - as well as with each other. Elizabeth knows not just in her head but in her body that it's OK to be in uncomfortable situations and not fix everything immediately. She talked with her mom about a shame-filled situation from her childhood that Elizabeth thought she would "take to her grave" - and now the issue doesn't impact her anymore. Marshall is able to let go of problems that used to really bother him, and engages the children in using the concepts from the workshop. They can work through the challenges they're facing, both as a couple and as parents. Their now have the space for conversations about their parenting values, instead of just reacting to the latest emergency. Elizabeth wrote to me that it's taken a long time for her to realize that investing in parenting education is just as important as paying for good food. She's shifted her mindset by realizing that:If you're a man reading this, we'd love to see you in the workshop. You won't be alone, and we may be able to create a men-only discussion space for you. (I know it can be hard to talk about things like anger issues with women around.) If you're a woman in a cis-het partnership, you can absolutely participate alone - and you'll learn a LOT. Most people do it this way. But you'll get even more out of it when you and your partner are on the same page. Marshall says:Hear Elizabeth and Marshall describe the work they've been doing - and how it has helped - in this new episode. Taming Your TriggersEver find yourself reacting to your partner's behavior or your child's actions in ways you wish you didn't?You're not alone!Many parents come to the Taming Your Triggers workshop hoping to manage their kids' behavior but quickly discover it's also about dealing with those partner-triggered moments!Parents just like you are already signed up for a journey to a happier, calmer family life. This workshop could be the game-changer you've been waiting for!Remember, you'll get the best results when you bring your partner along!Sign up for the waitlist and we'll let you know once enrollment re-opens. Click the image below to learn more.Jump to Highlights01:20   Introducing today’s topic01:47   Elizabeth and Marshall introduce themselves and their family04:00   They talk about experiencing burnout from continuously helping others in their profession.06:06   The couple discussed how their upbringing influenced their parenting style.11:27   They shared about their experience with going through the Taming Your Triggers program together and how they decided to do it.16:52   Marshall explains why parenting is hard for them23:24   The couple talks about how parenting has improved over the past few months.28:20   Elizabeth talks about how her perspective on her relationship with her mother changed.41:47   The couple share their experience with AccountaBuddies48:03   Jen encourages couples to take the program together, believing it creates a shared experience and language for improving their relationship dynamics.  

In this podcast, the host teaches a magic trick to challenge negative thoughts and see that things aren't as bad as they seem. Listeners share personal examples of how questioning negative thoughts has helped them. The importance of questioning our stories, gaining distance from thoughts and feelings, and managing triggers in parenting is also explored.