Your Parenting Mojo - Respectful, research-based parenting ideas to help kids thrive

I have to admit, I’m a bit scared to say it… The P-word… “Patriarchy.”(Phew!  I did it!)I know some listeners find it hard to hear. I’ve spoken with more than one woman who has told me: “I sent your podcast to my husband but then he heard the word “Patriarchy” and it was all over. There’s some sadness there for me, for sure. Every time I talk about patriarchy I talk about how much it hurts me and those of us who identify as women – but I also talk about how much it hurts men as well.  And that’s not just lip service: I truly believe that patriarchy has robbed men of a full emotional life. I was talking with a parent in the Parenting Membership recently who asked her husband if he ever felt truly seen and understood.  He said ‘no,’ and ended the conversation.  She cried as she told me: “I feel so sad for him that he doesn’t know that he could be seen and understood, so he doesn’t even realize he’s missing it.” We can know these things conceptually, and we can think that patriarchy kind of sucks, but maybe we think there’s not a lot we can do about it.  After all, isn’t the man the one who really needs to change? Member Iris and I had had a conversation in the membership a couple of months before I was in Vancouver for the Parenting Beyond Power book tour, where she mentioned that she’d been thinking a lot about how patriarchy shows up in her life.  We made plans to get together to record an episode while I was in town – and here it is! Iris and I discuss: The power and control that men held over women and girls as she grew up in the Philippines, including casting out female family members with out-of-wedlock pregnancies, while nothing happened to the men who got them pregnant (and lest we think this couldn't possibly happen where we live, men have very real power over women's pregnancies in the United States as well right now too...) How she sees herself catering to her husband’s needs - adjusting her daily schedule to his; eating what he wanted for dinner even if she preferred something different; perceiving that he expects her to do more than half of the household, even though neither of them works for income; Patriarchal messages that are being passed on to her daughter about the value of marriage, children, and meeting men’s needs. Even though she’s no longer in the Philippines, Iris still sees patriarchy in her relationship with her husband and daughter. She even sees how it hurts her husband, who is looked down upon in our culture because he doesn't present in a typically 'masculine' way. She shares the practices she’s using to pass on different messages to her daughter about a woman’s role in a family and in the world. But I don’t think we should only have these kinds of conversations with our daughters.  We should also talk with our boys about their feelings, and encourage them to fully experience their pain, hurt, and joy, and teach them that it’s OK to care about other people and not be an island that feels no pain and never cries. Enjoy this beautiful conversation with Iris.   Parenting Beyond Power Parenting is tough, but when we shift away from traditional power dynamics to collaboration, family life becomes smoother today. Conventional discipline methods may temporarily stop challenging behaviors, but they reinforce harmful lessons about power and control. Parenting Beyond Power offers a groundbreaking framework to understand and meet our children's needs, fostering respect and empathy. With sample scripts and practical resources, Parenting Beyond Power empowers you to transform your parenting journey. Get your copy now! Click the banner to learn more:   Jump to Highlights 00:49 Introducing today’s guest and topic 06:30 Iris discusses the impact of patriarchy on her family, revealing how gender roles and expectations affected her parents' dynamics and sense of self-worth. 12:52 Iris discusses her family's emotional dynamics and the lasting impact of patriarchal double standards on her parenting approach. 17:51 Iris reflects on her teenage years, grappling with societal norms and confronting patriarchal expectations in her relationships. 22:35 Iris cuts her hair short in defiance of patriarchal norms, challenging traditional notions of feminine beauty and reclaiming her autonomy. 24:21 Iris reflects on societal pressures and gender roles within her marriage, highlighting the challenges of conforming to traditional expectations. 33:31 Iris encourages daughter Malaya's autonomy, challenges traditional gender roles, and fosters open communication within the family. 41:07 Women play a part in perpetuating patriarchal norms in families and should strive to empower daughters through shared decision-making and open dialogue. 44:29 Iris stresses the value of rest for herself, challenging the idea that productivity determines worth, especially under capitalism. 46:16 Iris reflects on the dynamics of waiting for male approval and envisions a future where her daughter confidently asserts herself. 49:19 Jen introduces three actionable steps for listeners to implement the ideas discussed in the episode.

Explore the journey of a parent striving for perfection despite a challenging upbringing. Learn about the impact of family dynamics on parenting styles and the struggles of navigating motherhood in isolation. Delve into managing triggers, self-improvement, relationships, and the transformative power of self-reflection in conscious parenting.

Guest: Kerry Cavers, Founder of Moms Against Racism Candada. Topics: Moving toward anti-racism, understanding racism in Canada, unlearning racism, roles of white and racialized people, addressing a child's back-to-school anxiety, creating a safe environment, participating in speaking engagements.

The podcast discusses what decisions in parenting really matter using research-based ideas. It explores the impact of socio-economic status on children, parenting practices, the input and output of parenting decisions, parenting challenges and burnout, and aligning parenting with values.

Dr. Nadine Burke Harris, a leading physician and former Surgeon General of California, joins Jackie Thu-Huong Wong, Executive Director of First 5 California, to discuss the profound effects of Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) on health. They explore how ACEs influence both mental and physical well-being, stressing the importance of supportive adult relationships in fostering resilience. The duo also shares insights on authoritative parenting styles and introduces a new feature offering varying levels of engagement for parents interested in these crucial topics.

201: How to create a culture of consent in our families explores the challenges of getting children to comply and the importance of consent in parenting. It discusses the influence of culture, media, and personal experiences on our perception of consent. The podcast also explores slut-shaming and the need to establish a culture of consent within families. It offers practical tips for honoring children's autonomy and fostering effective communication. Overall, the episode provides insights into creating a harmonious and respectful environment for children to thrive.

When I saw that our 200th episode was coming up, I knew I wanted to do something special to celebrate. Listeners called in with questions for me for our 100th episode, which was released in September 2019. The numbering is a bit fuzzy, I have to admit - we're actually well over 200 episodes because there have been an assortment of Sharing Your Parenting Mojo conversations with parents and other folks that use a different numbering system, but whatever. It's still a milestone😊   Back then, I was just getting into exploring big social justice issues on the podcast. Early in 2020 I did two episodes on how patriarchy affects our parenting, followed by an extended series on the intersection of race and parenting, and several episodes on advertising and consumerism.   We learned a lot about sex, and I started what has become a series of 'deconstructed' episodes where I examine an idea that is usually assumed to be 'the way it is,' and find out that perhaps that isn't the way it is after all. I looked at: How most of what we think we know about attachment theory is probably wrong Authoritative isn't the best parenting 'style' The current darling of anyone working on mental health, Polyvagal theory, is most likely a myth (although it may still be a somewhat useful myth)   In June of 2022, in preparation for a pair of episodes on supporting neurodivergent parents and children, I interviewed Dr. Hanna Bertilsdotter-Rosqvist, who is autistic, to test out the autism screener. I wasn't expecting it to return a positive result for me, ultimately resulting in a self-diagnosis that, of course, I shared in an episode. Lots of listeners reached out after that one to offer gratitude, and one message I will carry for a long time said something like: "I always conceptually knew that neurodivergent people have value but it wasn't until I heard how your autism helps you to process all of this information for us that I truly got it."   So given that you've heard a lot from and about me over the last few years, I thought a natural next step would be to offer listeners the option of asking my husband Alvin anything they wanted!   We received quite a few questions, and two listeners - iris, who has been around for many years, and Corrine who joined us more recently - stepped up to co-interview him. I was quite willing to throw him to the wolves and let him do the interview himself but he wanted me to be there, so I joined as well. (I should note that the conversation was scheduled for a week when some really hard things were happening in a community that I'm in, and my energy level was a bit low.)   Alvin has many amazing qualities but succinctness has never been among them, so unfortunately we only made it through about half of iris and Corrine's questions, as well as those that listeners submitted. We did talk about: Alvin's relationship with his own parents (who think we're terrible parents to Carys); How we met (an inappropriate workplace relationship!); How Carys is similar to/different from us; What I was like before I started the podcast compared to now; How Alvin has changed over the last 10 years, as a person and as a parent - and how he's deepening his relationship with Carys using Your Parenting Mojo's tools   We plan to come back for round two in the future!   Here are a couple of things we talked about on the episode: A somewhat difficult-to-see picture of Alvin with long bleached hair My guides to hiking the Tour du Mont Blanc with a baby   Jump to Highlights 00:42 Introduction to this episode 00:55 Guest hosts Iris and Corrine introduce themselves 06:54 Alvin shares the elevator pitch for his love story with Jen 15:18 Jen’s qualities that drew Alvin to her 20:42 Alvin’s childhood and family interactions while growing up 27:17 Family conflicts arising from diverse approaches to meeting core needs, especially in Carys's relationship with her grandparents 32:22 The changes (if any) in Jen's personality and approach to parenting from before she started researching the topic to the present 37:28 Alvin’s reflection on the impact and significance of Your Parenting Mojo 43:51 The ways Carys differs from Jen and Alvin 47:14 The most significant shifts for Alvin as a parent and as a person. 57:56 Wrapping up the discussion

Listener Rachel also reached out with some questions, and due to my book tour schedule it took us a little longer to get a call on the calendar, but eventually - on a day in Seattle when I also had a coaching call and two two-hour workshops based on the book - we made it happen. Rachel's questions go deeeep. She wanted to know: If there are ideas I logically know are the right ones to follow but I still have trouble doing it; How my parenting is evolving as Carys gets older (her own daughter is a year older than Carys); Whether I think my view of parenting is possible within the social and political systems in which we currently live.Parenting Beyond PowerDo you want to change the way you parent and make a positive impact on your family and the world?Parenting Beyond Power is your key to unlocking this transformative path.Embrace a fresh parenting approach, nurturing collaborative and harmonious connections with your children, all while contributing to a more inclusive and equitable world for all.So don't hesitate – start transforming your parenting journey today, and grab your copy of Parenting Beyond Power now to get started! Click the banner to learn more. Taming Your TriggersDo you often find yourself caught in the whirlwind of your child's challenging behavior?Are you seeking ways to foster calm and connection in your parenting journey, even during the most trying moments?Look no further—Taming Your Triggers will help.If you: Often feel triggered by your child’s difficult behavior… Want to find out how to get your child to stop doing the thing that drives you up the wall Know you want to respond calmly to your child but can’t seem to do it in the moment… Want to parent with love and connection even on the most stressful days Feel like gentle parenting techniques won’t ‘work’ with your childThen Taming Your Triggers is for you.This workshop will empower you with the tools, insights, and support to navigate the ups and downs of parenting with confidence. It helps in all relationships - spouses and parents/in-laws too!Join the waitlist to get notified when doors reopen.  Jump to Highlights01:20  Introducing today’s guest and topic03:51  Rachel asks how the content of Parenting Beyond Power differs from that of the podcast07:19  Rachel appreciates the comprehensiveness of the book and asks if there will be another on the topic of Taming Your Triggers.07:56  Jen recommends a related book and emphasizes the value of community support for deep inner work in changing reactions to triggers.08:46  Rachel asks whether power is inherently bad, specifically in the context of parents having power. 14:01  Jen warns against using parental power to control love and belonging through conditional rewards, leading to an unhealthy dynamic with children.15:12  Rachel asks Jen about personal struggles applying podcast principles, questioning if difficulties persist despite knowing they're right.19:32  Jen emphasizes recognizing resistance in both children and adults and discusses the trifecta of frustration, anger, and resentment as indicators of unmet needs for parents and children.21:39  Jen discusses how she reconciles being research-based when acknowledging the biases in the research.26:42  Rachel asks how Jen measures success.28:18  They explore whether it's reasonable to ask parents, especially White parents, to challenge societal norms and emphasize the collective responsibility to confront and dismantle systems rooted in White supremacy.32:28  The conversation mentions the overrepresentation of participants with one or two children, speculating on political leanings. Jen affirms her parenting approach's relevance for families with more children.36:00  Jen talks about her hopes for readers and what she wants them to take away from the book.39:33  Rachel acknowledges understanding the book's emphasis on building a better society through individual change. 40:23  Wrapping up the discussion 

A couple of years ago I was watching a session of the Alliance for Self-Directed Education's online conference by unschooling advocate Idzie Desmerais. At some point she dropped a quote into her presentation that I jotted down but didn't think much of at the time:   What if your ideas about politics were just your ideas about childhood, extrapolated?   I returned to my notes some months later, having spent much of that time immersed in writing the first draft of the book, the quote almost took my breath away. There, right in front of me, was a single sentence that encapsulated so much of what I'd been thinking and writing about.   On the surface, it may seem as though these topics are completely unrelated but they are actually intimately connected.   We use politics set up systems that support the culture we want to live in.   We create systems that make it harder to vote because we don't think everyone should be able to vote - especially if you aren't White, male, or at least middle class.   We abolish Affirmative Action in college admissions because we think everyone has the same basic chance to succeed, so there's no reason to support some more than others.   Government policies establish the conditions of capitalism - like manipulating interest rates, regulating companies' ability to engage in certain business practices, and offering tax cuts for activities we collectively think are good, which ends up transferring wealth from people with less money who rent, to people with more money who buy homes.   And we shape them to try to ensure their success in these systems.   If we believe that people should basically take care of themselves rather than relying on support from others, since we all have equal skills and freedoms, then we're probably going to raise children who do things for themselves without relying on other people.   If we see that boys get punished for 'being soft' and that girls get punished for expressing big ideas (Clementine Ford's Boys Will Be Boys, which discusses online take-downs of women who express ideas, is one of the most depressing books I've ever read), then we're probably going to raise boys who don't express weakness, or girls who express big ideas. (Little ideas are OK...but nothing that could rock the boat too much.)   If we think that there are limited resources in the world and our child has to get their place in school, university, employment or someone else will, then we're going to work to get our child ahead in that system.   And because all of those systems out in the world rely on one person or group's power over another person or group, we practice that at home as well.   In this provocative episode, Dr. Toby Rollo explains in-depth how our ideas about politics are our ideas about childhood, extrapolated. Yes, it's theoretical...but we also discuss what this means for OUR real children in OUR real families.   Parenting Beyond Power Do you want to change the way you parent and make a positive impact on your family and the world? Parenting Beyond Power is your key to unlocking this transformative path. Embrace a fresh parenting approach, nurturing collaborative and harmonious connections with your children, all while contributing to a more inclusive and equitable world for all. So don't hesitate – start transforming your parenting journey today, and grab your copy of Parenting Beyond Power now to get started! Click the banner to learn more.     Jump to Highlights 00:42 Introduction to today’s guest and topic 02:16 The definition of children and childhood 04:58 The historical shift from a protective view of childhood to a modern perspective emphasizing children's progression toward becoming adults and citizens 10:55 The developmental view of childhood is criticized for biases, as it deems non-Western governance as inferior. 16:23 Dr. Toby Rollo challenges the Western perspective on political agency, seeing children as political agents. 20:38 Dismantling racism and patriarchy requires challenging early patterns of oppression in adult-child relationships 30:50 Advocating for a change in society's focus to better empower children and families 37:12 Exploring the link between political ideologies and ideas about childhood 45:12 Dr. Rollo suggests conventional school success doesn't guarantee overall well-being and advocates for fostering children's internal motivation and self-awareness. 54:00 Wrapping up the discussion   References Araujo, E., Ferretti, F., Ince, A., Moason, K., Mullenite, J., Pickerill, J., Rollo, T., & White, R.J. (2017). Beyond electoralism: Reflections on anarchy, populism, and the crisis of electoral politics. ACME: An International E-Journal for Critical Geographies 16(4), 607-642. Brito Vieira, M., Jung, T., Gray, S.W.D., & Rollo, T. (2019). The nature of silence and its democratic possibilities. Contemporary Political Theory 18, 424-447. Rollo, T. (2016). Everyday deeds: Enactive protest, exit, and silence in deliberative systems. Political Theory 45(5), 587-609. Rollo, T. (2016). Democracy, agency, and radical children’s geographies. In: R.J. White, S. Springer, and Lopes de Sousa, M.: The Practice of Freedom: Anarchism, Geography, and the Spirit of Revolt (Vol. 3) (p.235-255). Lanham, MD: Rowman & Littlefield Rollo, T. (2018). Feral children: Settler colonialism, progress, and the figure of the child. Settler Colonial Studies 8(1), 60-79. Rollo, T. (2018). The color of childhood: The role of the child/human binary in the production of anti-Black racism. Journal of Black Studies 49(4), 307-329. Rollo, T. (2020). Women and Children First! Childhood, Feminisms, and the Co-emancipatory Model. Turbulent Times, Transformational Possibilities?: Gender and Politics Today and Tomorrow, 199.  

This is the first in a series of 'back to basics' episodes here on the show, where we'll look at the everyday challenges you're facing as a parent. (Have an idea for an episode? Share it on this thread in our free Facebook group [insert link], send us a max 2 minute video of you saying your question, or click here to record an audio message for me...)   I'd wanted to do an episode on the use of reward & punishment systems in classrooms for a while, and when I mentioned this to my community manager Denise, she immediately started telling me all about the systems in her children's classrooms. So Denise sent me her questions, and we chatted through the research-based answers in this episode.   To make it easier for you to start a conversation at your school about rewards and punishment systems, I've created a one page 'cheat sheet' for you to share with others. Just click the image below to download it!     Jump to Highlights 01:26 Introducing today’s guest and topic 03:16 Denise delves into her decision to opt for public school, specifically the factors that led her to choose the particular school she did over other available options 07:53 Denise shares her experiences related to rewards and punishments prompted her to discuss this episode 14:51 Positive Behavior Intervention and Support (PBIS) is explored, with the discussion touching on concerns about potential humiliation and conflicting principles in behavior management systems 25:50 Behavior issues result from the coercive U.S. education system, where teachers may prioritize quiet classrooms over addressing problems, potentially hindering genuine student learning. 27:14 Ways to foster kids' intrinsic motivation in light of the prevalent use of extrinsic motivation in the classroom are explored 32:22 Self-determination theory and its application in this context is discussed 35:44 Strategies to prevent burnout for children are explored, considering their substantial time in school, with a focus on identifying warning signs of any diminishing effectiveness in current approach. 44:32 Addressing racialized parents' support of the system involves recognizing privilege and having delicate conversations to advocate for change 53:33 Identify and address barriers like childcare and transportation to make parental involvement more accessible and effective in the community. 55:03 Fostering a culture of autonomy, connectedness, and competence in the classroom requires understanding and meeting the diverse needs of students and teachers, building genuine connections, and addressing concerns to create a community of care and love in the learning environment. 01:04:32 Understanding individual needs and values is crucial when considering educational choices. 01:09:58 Wrapping up   References Adams, D. (2015). Implementation of school-wide Positive Behavior Supports in the Neoliberal Context in an Urban Elementary School. Unpublished doctoral dissertation, Syracuse University. Bornstein, J. (2017). Can PBIS build justice rather than merely restore order? In The School to Prison Pipeline: The Role of Culture and Discipline in School (p.135-167). Retrieved from: http://dx.doi.org/10.1108/S2051-231720160000004008 Bornstein, J. (2017). Entanglements of discipline, behavioral intervention, race, and disability. Journal of Cases in Educational Leadership 20(2), 131-144. Bornstein, J. (2015). “If they’re on Tier I, there are really no concerns that we can see:” PBIS medicalizes compliant behavior. Journal of Ethnographic & Qualitative Research 9, 247-267. Calais, J., & Green, M. (2022). The racial pandemic: Positive Behavior Intervention Support as an asymptomatic carrier of racism. Perspectives on Early Childhood Psychology and Education 6(1), Article 4. Compise, Karin D. (2019). Student perceptions of the clip chart management system. Unpublished doctoral dissertation, University of the Pacific, Stockton, CA. Kim, R.M., & Venet, A.S. (2023). Unsnarling PBIS and Trauma-Informed Education. Urban Education 1-29. DOI: 10.1177/00420859231175670 Kowalski, M.J., & Froiland, J.M. (2020). Parent perceptions of elementary classroom management systems and their children’s motivational and emotional responses. Social Psychology of Education 23, 433-448. Lewis, T. J., & Sugai, G. (1999). Effective behavior support: A systems approach to proactive School wide management. Focus on Exceptional Children, 31(6), 1-24. Noddings, N. (2005). The challenge to care in schools. New York: Teacher’s College Press. Robbins, C.G., & Kovalchuk, S. (2012). Dangerous disciplines: Understanding pedagogies of punishment in the neoliberal states of America. Journal of Pedagogy 3, 198-218. Shalaby, C. (2017). Troublemakers: Lessons in freedom from young children at school. New York: The New Press. Williamson, B. (2017). Decoding ClassDojo: Psychopolicy, social-emotional learning, and persuasive educational technologies. Learning, Media and Technology 42(4), 440-453.