208: Three reasons why setting limits is hard (and what to do about each of them)
Apr 8, 2024
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Discover why setting limits is challenging for parents and how it can be detrimental to children's emotional well-being. Explore alternative approaches to setting boundaries that prioritize understanding and meeting children's needs over control and consequences.
Setting limits with logical consequences can come across as emotional abuse towards children.
Parents often struggle to remember alternative methods to setting limits in different situations.
Identifying and meeting both parents' and children's primary needs can improve communication and collaboration in parenting interactions.
Deep dives
Understanding the Challenges in Parenting
Parents face various challenges from tooth brushing to sibling fighting to children's resistance. Jen, through evidence from scientific papers, aims to provide solutions to these issues.
Exploring Different Parenting Approaches
In a Choose Your Own Adventure game scenario, parents are presented with choices on dealing with a child who jumps on the couch. The episode emphasizes the difficulty in setting limits and offers a workshop to address this challenge.
Identifying Core Parenting Needs
The podcast highlights the importance of identifying both parents' and children's primary needs in parenting interactions. It suggests tools like feelings and needs lists for better understanding and communication.
Empowering Autonomy in Children
Promoting autonomy in children is crucial to addressing behavioral challenges. By recognizing and meeting children's needs for choice and autonomy, parents can foster a collaborative and respectful relationship.
Building Mutually Respectful Relationships
The episode stresses the significance of mutual respect between parents and children. Encouraging positive interactions and understanding each other's needs can lead to improved communication and cooperation.
Do you ever wish that you know the appropriate logical consequence to give your child (aged 1-10) for each different kind of misbehavior you see?
When your toddler empties the water out of the dog's bowl for the 10th time today...
When your preschooler climbs on the table three minutes after you told them to get off it...
When your kindergartener refuses to come to the table for dinner (and you know they're going to announce they're hungry in an hour)...
When your elementary schooler won't get dressed in the morning (even though you know they are FULLY CAPABLE of doing it themselves) without 300 increasingly nagging, pleading, and begging 'reminders' from you...
Wouldn't it be amazing to have the PERFECT logical consequence ready that would be appropriately proportioned to the misbehavior, and also just get your child to do the thing you're asking without you having to ask again???
But here's the thing about logical consequences: they essentially say to our child: "I don't care why you don't want to do this thing; I just want you to do it."
If we saw one adult saying that to another adult, we would call it 'emotional abuse.'
So why do we do it to our children?
Because it seems like we don't have another option to get through the day.
We actually have many other options; it's just hard to remember them all and which one to use in which circumstance.
In today's episode, I'll tell you the three main reasons why setting limits is hard (and what to do about each of them).
And if you want my complete framework for how to navigate misbehavior, with ALL FIVE of the tools we can use and guidelines on exactly WHEN to use each of them, sign up now for the self-guided Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits for just $7. Click the banner to learn more.
00:52 Introducing today’s topic
02:32 Invitation to join the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop
11:08 The number 3 reason why setting limits is so hard
12:58 The importance of respectful communication and mutual understanding in parent-child interactions, highlighting scenarios where setting limits may not always be the most effective solution
25:04 The number 2 reason why it's hard to set limits
26:02 Setting limits and respecting a child's autonomy, advocating for a collaborative approach to parenting
28:41 The number 1 reason why we find it so hard to set limits
29:12 The importance of understanding and meeting both children's and parents' needs to find effective solutions to behavioral challenges, emphasizing the negative consequences of ignoring or dismissing a child's needs
41:44 Parent Cori challenges with her son's teeth brushing and the positive change brought about by understanding the child’s need for autonomy
45:42 Three great resources (and they're all free!) for parents with the same struggles as Cori’s
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