Drs. John and Julie Gottman, co-founders of The Gottman Institute, share invaluable insights on nurturing relationships. They discuss how love is a skill that can be developed, emphasizing effective communication and managing conflicts. The couple explains their 'Sound Relationship House' theory, highlighting trust, intimacy, and responding to each other's needs as key to a strong partnership. They also delve into betrayal prevention, the healing power of humor, and offer resources to further enhance relationship health. Perfect for anyone wanting to improve their connections!
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question_answer ANECDOTE
Meeting at a Coffee House
Julie Gottman met John at a coffee house, finding him sexy with his dark glasses and leather attire.
She fell in love with his car, a red, blotchy vehicle affectionately nicknamed "Bondo."
insights INSIGHT
Origin of Relationship Research
John Gottman's research on relationships stemmed from his and his friend's difficulties with women.
Their initial research, combining physiological data with interaction analysis, surprised them with its predictive accuracy.
insights INSIGHT
Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse
The "Four Horsemen"—criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling—predict relationship demise.
"Masters of relationships" demonstrate less defensiveness, take responsibility, and maintain humor and engagement.
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A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert
John Gottman
Nan Silver
This book, written by John Gottman and Nan Silver, is based on Gottman's extensive research on couples and their relationships. It outlines seven principles that couples can follow to nurture their friendship, resolve conflicts effectively, and create a shared sense of meaning. The principles include enhancing 'love maps,' nurturing fondness and admiration, turning toward each other, letting each other influence, solving solvable problems, overcoming gridlock, and creating shared meaning. The book also warns against the 'Four Horsemen' of criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling, which can predict the demise of a marriage. Packed with exercises, questionnaires, and real-life examples, this guide helps couples improve their communication, intimacy, and overall relationship quality.
What Makes Love Last
How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal
John Gottman
Nan Silver
In this book, John Gottman explores the mysteries of love, explaining where it comes from, why some love lasts, and why some fades. Based on his extensive research in the 'Love Lab', Gottman provides strategies for identifying signs, behaviors, and attitudes that indicate betrayal and offers practical advice on how to repair and maintain relationships. The book emphasizes the importance of trust, communication, and physical intimacy in relationships and provides tools and methods for couples to evaluate and improve their relationships[2][3][4].
Eight Dates
Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love
John Gottman
Julie Schwartz Gottman
In 'Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love', John Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman provide a step-by-step guide to help couples navigate the challenges of long-term commitment. Drawing from their extensive research at the Love Lab, the authors outline eight essential conversations that couples should have to build a strong and lasting relationship. Each date is designed to address a different critical topic, including trust, conflict, intimacy, finances, family, adventure, spirituality, and dreams. The book includes exercises, open-ended discussion questions, and suggestions for where to have these dates, aiming to foster deeper understanding, empathy, and connection between partners.
If you care about your long term health and happiness, the quality of your relationships is an area you should focus on. And the good news here is that love – as it applies to friends, family, and romantic partners – is not a factory setting, but instead a skill. Drs. John and Julie Gottman are the perfect guests to talk about how to cultivate good relationships in your life.
World-renowned for his work on marital stability and divorce prediction, Dr. John Gottman has conducted over 40 years of breakthrough research with thousands of couples. He is the co-founder of The Gottman Institute and Affective Software Inc. as well as author of over 200 published academic articles and author or co-author of more than 40 books, including The New York Times bestseller The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.
Dr. Julie Gottman is the Co-Founder and President of The Gottman Institute and Co-Founder of Affective Software, Inc. A highly respected clinical psychologist and author, she is sought internationally by media and organizations as an expert advisor on marriage, domestic violence, gay and lesbian adoption, same-sex marriage, and parenting issues. She is the co-creator of the immensely popular The Art and Science of Love weekend workshop for couples and she also co-designed the national clinical training program in Gottman Method Couples Therapy.
This episode explores: how to talk (and listen) to your partner in moments of conflict; what to do before you start trying to solve a problem together; why “there’s no such thing as constructive criticism;” the details of John’s research findings, which have allowed him to predict with stunning accuracy whether a couple will get divorced; how the Gottmans themselves do when it comes to operationalizing their findings/advice; how and why betrayal occurs; when a couple should consider separating; the role mindfulness can play in healthy relationships; and the role of humor in relationships.
Content warning: There are a few mentions of sensitive topics, most notably domestic violence, which Julie discusses for a few minutes towards the end of the interview.
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