In this enlightening discussion, Vanessa Bonds, a Cornell professor and author, teams up with Sherry Liu, founder of the Eldest Daughter Club, to tackle the delicate art of saying 'no.' They explore the challenges faced by people-pleasers and offer practical strategies for setting boundaries in both personal and professional relationships. The conversation touches on societal pressures, the emotional toll of refusal, and the transformative power of a compassionate 'no.' Listeners will gain valuable insights on prioritizing their own needs while maintaining healthier connections.
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The Giving Tree's Toxic Lesson
The Giving Tree story shows extreme people pleasing through the tree's self-sacrifice.
The disturbing ending highlights an unhealthy, one-sided relationship masked as generosity.
insights INSIGHT
People Pleasing Is Approval Craving
Chronic people pleasing stems from craving approval, not genuine care for others.
This creates one-sided, exhausting relationships instead of supportive connections.
insights INSIGHT
Why Saying No Feels Risky
Saying no risks reputation and relationships because refusing signals uncooperativeness.
Social and tangible repercussions make us feel pressured to comply.
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In this book, social psychologist Vanessa Bohns draws from her original research to illustrate why people fail to recognize the influence they have on others. She explains how this lack of awareness can lead to missed opportunities or the accidental misuse of power. Bohns weaves together compelling stories with cutting-edge science to answer questions about the impact of our words, actions, and presence on others. The book offers strategies for observing the effect we have on others, reconsidering our fear of rejection, and sometimes pulling back to use our influence less. It emphasizes the importance of recognizing the influence we already possess rather than seeking ways to gain more influence[2][3][5].
CHARLOTTE'S WEB
E. B. White
Charlotte's Web, written by E.B. White, is a timeless children's classic that tells the story of Wilbur, a pig, and Charlotte, a spider, who form an unlikely friendship. The story is set on a farm and revolves around the efforts of Charlotte to save Wilbur from being slaughtered. Through their relationship, the book explores themes of friendship, courage, self-sacrifice, and the natural cycle of life and death. The novel is known for its vivid depiction of farm life and its ability to address complex emotions and themes in a way that is accessible to children. The book has been widely acclaimed and has sold over 45 million copies worldwide since its publication in 1952.
The Giving Tree
Shel Silverstein
The Giving Tree is a children's picture book that follows the relationship between an apple tree and a boy from childhood to old age. The tree selflessly provides for the boy's needs at each stage of his life, from apples and branches to a trunk for a boat. Despite the boy's increasing demands and eventual neglect, the tree continues to give, highlighting themes of unconditional love, selflessness, and the consequences of human actions on nature. The book is a powerful metaphor for life, love, and the importance of appreciating and respecting the gifts of nature and relationships.
In a world filled with requests, many of us are struggling to stay afloat. Even if you’re not a people-pleaser, the desire to maintain a positive reputation can make it hard to turn others down. In this episode, Adam explores the art and science of delivering an effective “no.” He highlights strategies for setting boundaries with others to create space for yourself—and healthier relationships with those around you. Guests: psychologist Vanessa Bohns, author of You Have More Influence Than You Think; Sherri Lu, founder of Eldest Daughter Club; playwright Topher Payne, author of The Tree Who Set Healthy Boundaries.
ReThinking 
