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DARING GREATLY - Commented Book
Jul 28, 2022
Guest: guest_name_1
Topics: Embracing vulnerability, impact of shame and fear, building trust through honesty, shifting from shame to resilience, societal expectations, foreboding joy, numbing vulnerability, importance of genuine connection, cultivating change in organizations, embracing vulnerability in parenting
08:36:05
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Quick takeaways
- Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity.
- Embracing vulnerability is the key to resilience, connection, and worthiness in a scarcity-driven culture.
- Challenging the myths surrounding vulnerability is crucial for embracing it and living a wholehearted life.
- Shame resilience involves practicing authenticity and coming out with courage, compassion, and connection.
- Foreboding joy and perfectionism hinder our ability to fully embrace vulnerability and experience true connection and joy.
- Shame, blaming, and cover-up cultures in organizations can be addressed through empathy, accountability, and fostering a sense of belonging.
Deep dives
The Power of Vulnerability
Vulnerability is not weakness. It is the courage to show up and be seen, to take risks and be emotionally exposed. It is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. We often associate vulnerability with negative emotions, but it also encompasses positive experiences. Love, creativity, and meaningful connections all require vulnerability. While vulnerability can feel uncomfortable and scary, it is the essence of living a wholehearted life.
The Culture of Scarcity
Our culture is plagued by a sense of scarcity, where everything feels limited and lacking. We constantly compare ourselves to others, striving for perfection and fearing that we are not enough. This scarcity mindset fuels shame, disengagement, and a fear of vulnerability. It is perpetuated by societal pressures and the constant message that we need more. However, embracing vulnerability and acknowledging our vulnerabilities is the key to finding resilience, connection, and a sense of worthiness in a scarcity-driven culture.
Busting Vulnerability Myths
There are several myths surrounding vulnerability that prevent us from fully embracing it. The first myth is that vulnerability is weakness, when in fact, vulnerability is a source of strength and courage. The second myth is that some people don't do vulnerability, when in reality, vulnerability is a part of life and unavoidable. The third myth is that vulnerability is about letting it all hang out, but vulnerability is about choosing how we respond to uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure. Understanding and challenging these myths is essential in embracing vulnerability and living a wholehearted life.
Shame Resilience and the Power of Vulnerability
Shame resilience is the ability to practice authenticity when we experience shame, to move through the experience without sacrificing our values, and to come out on the other side with more courage, compassion, and connection than before.
Recognizing Shame and Understanding its Triggers
Shame is a universal emotion that can be triggered by various situations and expectations. It is important to recognize when we are experiencing shame and understand the underlying triggers that cause it.
Practicing Empathy and Reaching Out
When we experience shame, it is crucial to reach out to others and share our story. By connecting with empathetic individuals who have earned the right to hear our experiences, we can find healing and connection.
The Paradox of Joy and Vulnerability
Many people experience a sense of foreboding joy, which involves feeling anxious or fearful when experiencing moments of happiness or joy. This can stem from a belief that good things won't last and that something bad is bound to happen. This fear of vulnerability can prevent individuals from fully embracing and enjoying moments of joy in their lives. By recognizing and challenging this fear, individuals can cultivate a greater sense of worthiness and allow themselves to fully experience joy without reservation.
The Armor of Perfectionism
Another common form of protection is perfectionism. Many individuals believe that if they do everything perfectly, they will never experience shame. They strive for perfection in order to avoid vulnerability and criticism. However, perfectionism is not a sustainable or healthy way of living. By embracing the concept of 'enough' and recognizing their inherent worthiness, individuals can break free from the grip of perfectionism and cultivate a healthier and more authentic sense of self.
The Numbing Shield
Numbing is another defense mechanism against vulnerability. People may engage in behaviors or substances that deaden their emotions in order to avoid feeling pain or discomfort. This can include overeating, excessive drinking, or excessive busyness. However, numbing ourselves also numbs our ability to truly experience joy and connection. By embracing vulnerability and being willing to feel the full range of emotions, individuals can break free from the numbing shield and cultivate a deeper sense of connection and fulfillment in their lives.
The Power of Vulnerability
The podcast episode explores the importance of vulnerability and its connection to joy and wholehearted living. It discusses how vulnerability can be challenging to embrace because it requires us to confront and overcome our fear of disappointment and hurt. The episode highlights the role of vulnerability in cultivating joy and gratitude in our lives and emphasizes the importance of practicing gratitude as an antidote to foreboding joy. It also touches on the negative impact of perfectionism and numbing behaviors on our ability to experience true connection and belonging. The episode concludes by discussing the need to redefine success, reintegrate vulnerability into our lives, and seek support and connection with others.
The Shield of Viking or Victim
In this section, the podcast explores the mentality of approaching life as either a Viking or a victim. It delves into how some individuals view the world through a win-or-lose lens, where they either dominate or feel constantly victimized. The episode highlights the detrimental effects of this mindset on personal growth, connection, and well-being. It discusses the need to challenge this binary thinking by redefining success and focusing on cultivating trust, vulnerability, and meaningful connections with others. It also addresses the particular challenges faced by veterans and the importance of supporting and connecting with them.
Daring Greatly and Seeking Transformation
The podcast concludes by discussing the process of embracing vulnerability and engaging in wholehearted living. It emphasizes the importance of cultivating trust, vulnerability, and meaningful connections in relationships. It explores the role of shame triggers and the need to challenge fear and scarcity mindset. The episode highlights the transformative power of love, belonging, and connection, and emphasizes the significance of reaching out, supporting, and connecting with others, including veterans. Ultimately, it encourages listeners to redefine success, reintegrate vulnerability, and seek transformation in their own lives.
The Impact of Shame in Education and Work
Shame and fear of vulnerability often hinder creativity, innovation, and learning. It creates an environment of disengagement and can be seen in behaviors such as blaming, gossiping, favoritism, name-calling, and harassment. Managers and teachers who use shame as a management tool contribute to a toxic culture. External threats, such as public shaming of educators and professionals, also impact organizations. Leadership is crucial in recognizing and addressing shame, fostering a culture of engagement, and re-humanizing education and work.
Recognizing and Combating Shame in Organizations
Shame can manifest in various ways within organizations, including bullying, harsh criticism, public reprimands, and reward systems that belittle individuals. These signs indicate a pervasive culture of shame and require immediate action. Shame is also learned in families and often continues in the workplace. Disengagement and turnover are common consequences of unaddressed shame. Organizations need to create an environment where vulnerability and openness are valued, and shame is not used as a management tool.
Dealing with External Threats and Stereotyping
External threats to organizations, such as public shaming of professions or industries, can also contribute to an atmosphere of shame and disengagement. It is essential for leaders to speak out, challenge inaccuracies, and support employees affected by public shaming. Stereotyping of professions needs to be resisted, and efforts should be made to re-humanize the perception of work and create a supportive culture for all employees.
Understanding Shame and Blame
Shame and blame are often interconnected. Blaming others is a way of discharging pain and discomfort, while shame is the belief that one is not worthy of love and belonging. Blaming and finger-pointing can occur in organizations, schools, and families as a result of shame-bound relationships. It's important to address shame as an issue if blame is a pattern in the culture.
Cover-Up Culture and Shame
Cover-up cultures are rooted in shame and operate on the principle of protecting reputation over human dignity. In these systems, shame is systemic and accountability is overlooked. Such cultures can be found in corporations, non-profits, education, government, and other institutions. To foster shame-resilient cultures, engagement, empathy, accountability, and a sense of belonging should be prioritized over blame and fear.
Feedback and Vulnerability
Creating a feedback culture is essential in organizations, schools, and families. Feedback should be constructive and engaged, focusing on strength rather than flaws. Without feedback, transformative change cannot occur. Leaders and employees should be open to discomfort and normalize it, embracing vulnerability as a fundamental part of growth.
The Importance of Allowing Children to Feel Like the 'Other'
The podcast episode discusses the importance of recognizing and addressing the experience of being the 'other' in social situations, particularly in childhood. The speaker shares a personal anecdote about her daughter feeling excluded from being named when teams are picked for sports activities. This experience leads to a conversation between the speaker and her daughter, where they both share their own experiences of feeling like the 'other'. The episode highlights the significance of empathy, understanding, and creating a sense of belonging for all children in social interactions.
The Role of Vulnerability in Parenting and Fostering Resilience
The podcast delves into the concept of vulnerability in parenting and its impact on children's development of resilience. The speaker emphasizes the need for parents to allow their children to struggle and experience adversity so they can learn valuable life skills. The episode explores the importance of letting children confront and handle difficult situations themselves, rather than constantly intervening and protecting them. By doing so, children can develop tenacity, grit, and perseverance, ultimately leading to higher levels of hopefulness and the courage to be vulnerable in their own lives.
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As human beings, we have a fundamental need for connection, love, and belonging. Yet, we fear rejection and are afraid weâre not good enough. We try to hide our vulnerabilities, only to create a greater disconnect with our families, communities, and work. Based on 12 years of research, this book explains the concept of vulnerability, and how to embrace it for wholehearted living and fulfilling connections.
#daringgreatly #brenebrown #commentedbook
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