The science of healthy relationships with John and Julie Gottman
Dec 13, 2022
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John and Julie Gottman, renowned psychologists and co-founders of the Gottman Institute, share their expertise on creating and maintaining healthy relationships. They discuss avoiding the 'four horsemen of marital apocalypse,' navigating criticism, and the emotional toll of conflict. The couple explores practical tools like the Gottman Connect platform to improve communication. They also reflect on how the pandemic impacted relationships, amplifying strengths and challenges, while emphasizing the need for understanding and support in overcoming obstacles.
Identifying and addressing the four destructive conflict patterns can help save relationships.
Expressing feelings and needs, and maintaining a higher ratio of positive to negative emotions are key to a successful relationship.
Deep dives
The Gottmans' Journey to Studying Relationships
John and Julie Gottman became interested in studying relationships after experiencing failures in their own. They formed a lab to learn from people with successful relationships.
The Four Horsemen of Marital Apocalypse
The Gottmans identified four patterns in conflict - criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling - that predict the end of relationships. Criticism involves blaming personality flaws, while contempt entails disgust and scorn. Defensiveness is a common reaction, and stonewalling is a complete shutdown during communication.
Overcoming Negative Patterns
The Gottmans teach couples to express their feelings and needs rather than criticizing their partners. They emphasize describing oneself, stating positive needs, and listening to the partner's point of view.
The Importance of Positive Emotions
The Gottmans' research shows that successful relationships have a higher ratio of positive to negative emotions. They recommend turning toward each other, sharing moments of humor and affection, which can reduce flooding and change the trajectory of the relationship.
For decades, renowned psychologists John and Julie Gottman have studied–and guided–healthy relationships. They share insights from their research–and their marriage–on how to avoid a relationship apocalypse, handle conflict, and make love last. Their latest book, “The Love Prescription” is out now, and Adam has a field day getting them to demonstrate the differences between good and bad fights. For the full text transcript, visit go.ted.com/RWAG13