433: Ask David: Anxiety, Depression, Boring Dates, Scary Thoughts

The answers to this week’s questions were written by David prior to the podcast. The live discussions will add greatly to the comments below.

Get consent on first question, or change name. In fact, I’ll just change her name to Henrietta.

1. Henrietta asks how she can help her son who’s been severely depressed for nearly 20 years and rejects all suggestions.
2. Julia asks what to do on a boring first date.
3. Negar asks if anxiety and depression are genetically caused and therefore hopeless .
4. Negar asks about scary intrusive thoughts.

1. Henrietta asks how she can help her son who’s been severely depressed for nearly 20 years and rejects all suggestions.

Dear  Dr David

I discovered you years ago due to my son’s depression.   I purchased your book for him, but he not reading it.  He thinks he is too far gone for any self help and has been on anti depressants for years.

I appreciate all your hard work , the blogs and the app.   I have my hopes up that one day he will listen to you or download the app.   This depression has been going on more than 18 years now.

Do you have any ideas on how I could get him to listen to you on You tube?  God bless you and your team.   Keep  up the good work!

Best  regards

Henrietta

David’s reply

Hi Henrietta,

I’m so sorry he’s struggling. I do have a clear recommendation, clearly spelled out in the podcast of a couple years ago, “How to help. And how NOT to help.” You can easily find it on the list of podcasts on my website.

I’m sure that his depression has been heart-breaking for you. But there is a radically different strategy / direction one can pursue when efforts to “help” are 100% rejected.

LMK if I can use your question on an Ask David podcast. Then you’ll get input from several of us.

Warmly, david

2. Julia asks what to do on a boring first date.

Dear David

Just saw that you published a podcast about how to give negative feedback, absolutely cannot wait to listen to it.

I’m afraid I fall in the category of people who tend omitting opinions and this is going to be of great help!

Now to my question: how do I get more excited in dates with guys ?

I would like to date more and have a more active sexual life but I find myself getting bored in dates and this affects also my libido.

I will have thoughts like:

1. this is boring
2. he is not that attractive
3. I won’t be turned on
4. sex won’t be good

I obviously then don’t end up having sex with the guy and try to have a date with someone else.

In the date I don’t feel anxious but I’m not excited physically and mentally. The anxiety plays a role before I go to the next scheduled dates, because with time I start thinking this feeling of boredom will never go away.

I have tried to work on the thoughts myself with little results and I was wondering if you had any suggestions on how I could be less bored and anxious and enjoy myself.

Thanks you for your answer and your amazing work!

Best wishes,

Julia

David’s Reply

Great question, and I have an answer. Can we include this in the next Ask David, using your first name or a fake first name?

Thanks, Warmly, david

You are viewing dating as a shopping expedition, trying to “find” the best item to purchase, and finding your shopping boring, which it is. But you are forcing it to be boring because you are not being open with your feelings. You are foolishly trying to hide your feelings of boredom, whereas they are really the door to fascination and a most interesting and dynamic exchange. Let me show you what I mean.

You can, instead, view dating as forming a relationship, being open, and genuine, and a little flirtatious, and seeing how things unfold. So, or example, you might say something along these lines, “You seem like a really neat and interesting person, but I notice that our conversation is not very open, or vulnerable, and that makes it way less interesting. Have you notice that, too? Tell me how you’re feeling.”

If you express this, things will instantly get very interesting! You are not trying to hurt their feelings, but rather open up a conversation about feelings, by encouraging them to be real. They may also be feeling bored, or anxious, or whatever.

As a psychiatrist, I find that when I explore the feelings and insecurities of my patients, it is always interesting. And when there is tension, including boredom, I acknowledge it to find out what’s up, and how is my patient experiencing the session and our interaction, and that is interesting 100% of the time, without exception.

Warmly, david

Dear David,

Thank you for such an amazing answer!

I have listened to the podcasts so many times and I am familiar with the concept of sharing the tensed feelings like boredom, to not force the other person to be boring.

However I had never thought to apply it to dating!! It is such a foreign concept to how all my friends approach dating, that I will need first to experiment with it.

I’m curious to see if I’m going to be brave enough to take this leap!

Cannot wait to hear the podcast!

All the best,

Giulia

3. Negar asks if anxiety and depression are genetically caused and therefore hopeless .

Hello, my kind father🦋💙, I hope you are well💝. I have a question. Many people I see who suffer from panic attacks and experience anxiety and major depression believe that they have a family and genetic background.

That is why they do not have much hope that psychotherapy can help them and believe that the defective gene for causeless anxiety and panic is turned on in the nucleus of their cells.

What do you think? Is it possible to deactivate these defective genes with psychotherapy sessions, meditation, etc.?!🥲

David’s Reply

There is evidence that anxiety is inherited, and my mother had fear of heights, for example. I also got fear of heights and more than a dozen other forms of anxiety: fear of blood, dogs, vomiting, social situations, public speaking, cameras, panic attack once, and much more. But I have found that the techniques I use in therapy have helped greatly. I got over my fear of blood, for example, in twenty minutes working in the emergency room of a hospital and treating a severe trauma patient covered in blood. Everything about humans is genetic. We are born unable to speak a language, and yet we learn.

So, to me, the argument is kind of silly and naïve. Just because something is influenced by genetics, and everything is, how does it follow that we cannot grow and learn? The whole notion seems to me to be ridiculous.

Now, there are some genetic things that cannot be changed. For example, how tall you are, or the color of your hair (of course you can dye your hair if you want.) So everything has limits.

The belief that you cannot change the way you feel will act as a self-fulfilling prophecy, since you won’t try, but that doesn’t make it true!

Here’s something that IS true: Your feelings constantly are changing, at every minute of every day from the moment of birth. So anyone who argues that feelings CANNOT change is just wrapped up in a complete delusion! But people are welcome to believe whatever they want, of course. I believe strongly in freedom of thought. I also believe that people have the RIGHT to be WRONG!

Best, david

Will use as another excellent Ask David question if okay.

Thanks for the great photo. Do you want me to include it in the show notes for that podcast episode?

PS I will soon publish a video on my YouTube channel showing a 5 ½ minute cure for a woman with ten years of extreme panic attacks every week. Panic is probably the easiest thing to treat.

4. Negar asks about scary intrusive thoughts.

Hello my kind father I hope you are in a good mood and continue to be full of energy as always I had a question I see in some people that they say that we have scary and useless thoughts This case is interesting for me too, because sometimes I have absurd and meaningless thoughts But since I meditate and do mindfulness exercises, I came to the conclusion that these are just thoughts. Did you have such an experience?😉

David’s Reply

Yes, I have treated many people with frightening, intrusive thoughts and images, common in OCD / intense anxiety. Often, something is happening in that person’s life that is bothering them, but they are not dealing with itself, instead they sweep their feelings, of anger or whatever, under the rug and try to avoid them. Result = obsessions. There’s a whole section on this in my book, When Panic Attacks, and you can look up my podcasts on the Hidden Emotion Technique.

Best, david