In this engaging discussion, Vanessa Bonds, a Cornell Professor and author focusing on influence, teams up with Sherry Liu, founder of the Eldest Daughter Club and a recovering people pleaser. They dive deep into the psychology behind saying no, highlighting the emotional toll of people-pleasing and the cultural pressures faced by women. The duo shares effective strategies for setting boundaries, emphasizing that asserting oneself can lead to healthier relationships and personal well-being.
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Adam Grant's People-Pleasing Story
Adam Grant shares his personal experience as a chronic people pleaser who said yes too much out of fear of losing approval.
He realized this behavior was due to caring about others' opinions, not their needs.
insights INSIGHT
Why Saying No Feels Risky
We say yes so often because rejecting a request risks appearing uncooperative and damaging our reputation.
This pressure is paradoxically higher with acquaintances, as the relationship is uncertain but still significant.
question_answer ANECDOTE
Sherry Liu's Journey to Saying No
Sherry Liu shares her background as an eldest daughter of an immigrant family navigating people-pleasing pressures.
She learned to say no at work with her manager's support to focus on impactful projects and avoid secretarial tasks.
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In this book, social psychologist Vanessa Bohns draws from her original research to illustrate why people fail to recognize the influence they have on others. She explains how this lack of awareness can lead to missed opportunities or the accidental misuse of power. Bohns weaves together compelling stories with cutting-edge science to answer questions about the impact of our words, actions, and presence on others. The book offers strategies for observing the effect we have on others, reconsidering our fear of rejection, and sometimes pulling back to use our influence less. It emphasizes the importance of recognizing the influence we already possess rather than seeking ways to gain more influence[2][3][5].
CHARLOTTE'S WEB
E. B. White
Charlotte's Web, written by E.B. White, is a timeless children's classic that tells the story of Wilbur, a pig, and Charlotte, a spider, who form an unlikely friendship. The story is set on a farm and revolves around the efforts of Charlotte to save Wilbur from being slaughtered. Through their relationship, the book explores themes of friendship, courage, self-sacrifice, and the natural cycle of life and death. The novel is known for its vivid depiction of farm life and its ability to address complex emotions and themes in a way that is accessible to children. The book has been widely acclaimed and has sold over 45 million copies worldwide since its publication in 1952.
The Giving Tree
Shel Silverstein
The Giving Tree is a children's picture book that follows the relationship between an apple tree and a boy from childhood to old age. The tree selflessly provides for the boy's needs at each stage of his life, from apples and branches to a trunk for a boat. Despite the boy's increasing demands and eventual neglect, the tree continues to give, highlighting themes of unconditional love, selflessness, and the consequences of human actions on nature. The book is a powerful metaphor for life, love, and the importance of appreciating and respecting the gifts of nature and relationships.
In a world filled with requests, many of us are struggling to stay afloat. Even if you’re not a people-pleaser, the desire to maintain a positive reputation can make it hard to turn others down. In this episode, Adam explores the art and science of delivering an effective “no.” He highlights strategies for setting boundaries with others to create space for yourself—and healthier relationships with those around you. Guests: psychologist Vanessa Bohns, author of You Have More Influence Than You Think; Sherri Lu, founder of Eldest Daughter Club; playwright Topher Payne, author of The Tree Who Set Healthy Boundaries.
Worklife with Adam Grant 
