4 Principles of Influence from a Hostage Negotiator | Scott Tillema

15 snips

May 12, 2025

Retired SWAT hostage negotiator Scott Tillema shares fascinating negotiation insights, honed through his experience in high-stakes situations. He emphasizes the power of tactical empathy over persuasion, revealing how emotional control can transform difficult conversations. Scott explains the importance of timing and delivery, asserting that how you say something can outweigh its content. Additionally, he highlights the necessity of respect and autonomy in negotiations, equipping listeners with practical tools to lead with calm authority, whether at work or in personal relationships.

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INSIGHT

Negotiation Is Partnership

Negotiation is about partnership, not competition.
Influence starts with genuine connection and dialogue.

ADVICE

Practice Listening Skills Often

Practice eight skills of active listening daily.
Use every chance, even scam calls, to sharpen negotiation skills.

ADVICE

Control Yourself First

Manage yourself first before negotiations.
Use tactical breathing to keep calm under pressure.

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In this episode of The Art of Charm, retired SWAT hostage negotiator Scott Tillema shares his battle-tested four-part framework for leading difficult conversations, defusing high-stakes conflicts, and influencing others with clarity and confidence.

Trained by the FBI and Harvard, Scott now brings these skills to the boardroom, equipping leaders with the same life-saving tools he once used in crisis negotiations. Whether you're navigating a tense meeting, resolving conflict on your team, or having a hard conversation at home, this episode will show you how to lead with calm authority.

Scott reveals why tactical empathy is more powerful than persuasion, how to control your emotional state when the pressure’s on, and what most people get wrong about timing, tone, and respect.

[00:00:00] Introduction

[00:02:47] Why your negotiation partner is not your opponent — and how that shift changes everything

[00:10:50] The biggest mistake leaders make when trying to influence others

[00:16:02] How to mentally prepare for high-pressure conversations using tactical breathing

[00:22:34] The transformation that happens when you stop learning and start embodying

[00:27:15] How to know when it’s the right time to speak — and when it’s too soon

[00:30:46] Delivery over content: Why how you say it matters more than what you say

[00:34:19] The four pillars of respect that drive every meaningful negotiation

[00:38:40] How autonomy — even in small doses — creates buy-in and trust

[00:43:22] A high-stakes negotiation that failed — and what Scott learned from it

[00:49:04] Why you should never tell someone you’re reading their body language

You’re negotiating all the time — with your boss, your spouse, your coworkers. If you want influence, connection comes first.
The best negotiators aren't master persuaders. They're master listeners.
Tactical empathy isn’t manipulation. It’s leadership.
People don’t respond to logic — they respond to tone, timing, and emotional safety.
Respect isn’t about politeness — it’s about fairness, autonomy, recognition, and empathy.
Conflict isn’t a threat. It's an opportunity to lead with poise and purpose.

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