Playing With Fire 227 Transforming Shame into Love with Jessica Fern and David Cooley
Oct 25, 2025
In this insightful discussion, psychotherapist Jessica Fern and restorative justice facilitator David Cooley explore the transformative power of addressing shame. They introduce their book, revealing the 'shame triangle' and how inherited narratives shape our experiences. Listeners learn practical tools to shift from self-criticism to self-nurturing, and how relationships serve as mirrors for personal growth. With actionable strategies, they emphasize the importance of cultivating authentic connections and understanding the underlying patterns of shame in our lives.
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Shame Operates As An Internal Triangle
- Shame often shows up as an internal triangle of critic, shame, and escape behaviors rather than a single voice.
- Jessica Fern found this pattern repeatedly while doing parts work with clients across relationship types.
Shame Stories Are Inherited Narratives
- Many shame stories are inherited cultural and familial narratives, not personal moral failures.
- Recognizing those origins loosens their power and reframes self-blame as learned messaging.
Externalize Shame Narratives First
- Externalize narratives by tracing shame stories back to family, culture, or society to reduce self-blame.
- Dialogue with the inner critic to discover its protective intent and shift it toward an inner coach.
