227 Transforming Shame into Love with Jessica Fern and David Cooley
Playing With Fire
What to Say When You're Triggered
David provides simple in-the-moment scripts to name activation and humanize difficult interactions.
We all carry shame—it's part of the human experience. But what if there was a way to transform that shame into something more nurturing and supportive? In this episode, we welcome back Jessica Fern and David Cooley to discuss their groundbreaking new book, Transforming the Shame Triangle: From Shame to Love with Parts Work. Jessica describes this as her most important book yet!
This isn't just another relationship book—it's a practical guide to understanding and transforming the internal patterns that keep us stuck in cycles of shame, self-criticism, and unhealthy coping mechanisms. Whether you're in a monogamous or non-monogamous relationship, the tools and insights shared in this conversation can help you build more authentic connections with yourself and others.
In this episode, we talk about:
— What the "shame triangle" is and how it operates within us
— How shame narratives are inherited from family, culture, and society rather than being personal flaws
— The ways our inner critic can transform into an inner coach with more supportive messaging
— How our "escaper" behaviors (like perfectionism, numbing out, or overworking) can evolve into inner nurturers
— The connection between attachment styles and our preferred escape strategies
— Why addressing our shame triangle is essential for authentic living rather than just surviving
— Practical ways to recognize when you're caught in the shame triangle during interactions with partners
— How to create a shared language around shame that can deepen intimacy and understanding
— The importance of differentiating between raw emotional experiences and the shame stories we tell about them
— How this work can help break cycles of intergenerational trauma
Resources mentioned in this episode:
— Jessica and David's new book: Transforming the Shame Triangle: From Shame to Love with Parts Work (out October 31st)
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Music: Dance of Felt by Blue Dot Sessions
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