529 - Yes, You Can Think Your Way Out of Your Feelings (Sometimes)
May 13, 2025
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The hosts dive into cognitive reappraisal, exploring how we can think our way out of negative emotions in relationships. They discuss the fine line between healthy self-reflection and self-gaslighting, especially when triggers arise. Listeners learn about emotional regulation, the impact of upbringing, and the importance of pausing during tough conversations. With humor and personal anecdotes, they offer practical strategies for navigating feelings, fostering mindfulness, and enhancing emotional dynamics in romantic connections.
01:05:38
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Quick takeaways
Cognitive reappraisal, a technique for reframing negative emotions, plays a significant role in managing relationship conflicts effectively.
The podcast highlights the importance of distinguishing between antecedent-focused and response-focused emotional regulation strategies for better relationship dynamics.
Research indicates that while cognitive reappraisal can reduce conflict, its effectiveness is contingent upon the quality of the relationship and individual emotional responses.
Deep dives
Upcoming Somatic Therapy Retreat
A somatic therapy retreat will be hosted in northern Spain from September 22nd to 25th, 2025, specifically tailored for polyamorous individuals. The retreat will focus on guiding participants through somatic practices that aim to help shift long-held emotional patterns, enhancing skills for navigating non-monogamous relationships with greater confidence. Accommodation and meals will be provided to ensure attendees can fully immerse themselves in the experience without distractions. The pricing is set on a sliding scale, making it accessible for individuals with varying financial situations.
Cognitive Reappraisal and Emotional Responses
The concept of cognitive reappraisal is explored in the context of emotional responses to relationship conflicts. It suggests that individuals can change how they think about situations to mitigate intense emotions, such as frustration or anger, when faced with partner-related issues. The podcast highlights that while this technique can be helpful, it may sometimes lead to self-gaslighting if taken to an extreme, implying that one should not ignore valid feelings of distress in an attempt to maintain a positive outlook. Understanding when to apply this technique is crucial for effective emotional management.
Emotional Regulation Techniques
The episode discusses different emotional regulation techniques, emphasizing the distinction between antecedent-focused and response-focused strategies. Antecedent-focused strategies involve changing one's thoughts before an emotional response occurs, while response-focused strategies aim at controlling emotional expressions after the response has started. The importance of both approaches is highlighted, suggesting that a combination of preemptive cognitive reappraisal and emotional regulation during conflicts can greatly affect relationship dynamics. Personal anecdotes illustrate the ways in which individuals navigate emotional suppression and expression in various contexts.
Research Findings on Relationships
Recent research studies on emotional regulation in relationships provide insights into the effectiveness of cognitive reappraisal. One study indicates that individuals with high cognitive reappraisal skills experience less conflict in relationships, but this technique's efficacy diminishes in those with a tendency to impulsively react to negative emotions. Other research suggests that cognitive reappraisal can foster motivation for change in partners when it is employed in constructive communication contexts. The findings emphasize that the quality of a relationship significantly influences the effectiveness of emotional regulation strategies.
Balancing Emotions and Reality
Throughout the discussion, the podcast underscores the importance of recognizing and validating emotions without letting them dominate one's interactions or perceptions of a relationship. It highlights the delicate balance between emotional expression and cognitive rationalization, particularly in challenging situations. For many, the journey involves learning to notice bodily sensations and emotional cues sooner in order to effectively manage feelings before they escalate. Ultimately, cultivating awareness and flexibility in emotional responses becomes essential in maintaining healthy relationships.
Today we're discussing cognitive reappraisal, or the notion of thinking your way out of a negative emotional response to a given situation. We'll be going over research available on cognitive reappraisal, what it looks like in real life, and whether or not it's just gaslighting yourself into feeling like your relationship is better than it actually is.
Join Dedeker and Orit Krug for our polyamory somatic retreat in northern Spain (September 22-25, 2025) - sliding scale pricing available, use code MULTI when you apply at www.multiamory.com/retreat.
