4 Ways to Love the People You Disagree With

whatshot 16 snips

Oct 20, 2025

Explore the realms of contempt and its detrimental effects on societal connections. Discover how to replace disdain with love, making relationships with those you disagree with more impactful. Learn about the Dark Triad personality traits that exacerbate conflict, and uncover methods to break the cycle of contempt. Engage actively with gratitude and warm-heartedness, while standing firm in your convictions. Get practical tips on how to improve interactions by practicing appreciation and embracing disagreement as a chance for growth.

51:50

forum

Ask episode

web_stories

AI Snips

view_agenda

Chapters

menu_book

Books

auto_awesome

Transcript

info_circle

Episode notes

insights

INSIGHT

Contempt Fuels Modern Polarization

Contempt combines anger and disgust to create a belief in another's worthlessness and drives permanent enmity.
Arthur C. Brooks argues contempt, not mere disagreement, explains modern polarization and its danger.

insights

INSIGHT

Both Sides Misread Motives

Motive attribution asymmetry is when both sides think they love their country while the other hates it, fueling mutual mistrust.
Brooks highlights this error as central to intractable conflicts and U.S. political polarization.

question_answer

ANECDOTE

Challenging Hostile Rhetoric Live

At a conservative activist rally Brooks challenged speakers claiming opponents were "stupid and evil."
His interruption emphasized persuading others requires love, not insults, and drew a sharp audience rebuttal.

Get the Snipd Podcast app to discover more snips from this episode

Contempt vs. Disagreement

00:30 • 3min

chevron_right

Motive Attribution Asymmetry Explained

03:04 • 3min

chevron_right

Evidence from Personal Talks

06:02 • 4min

chevron_right

Standing Up to Your Own Side

10:22 • 2min

chevron_right

Take Contempt Personally

12:26 • 4min

chevron_right

Why People Stay Silent

16:32 • 3min

chevron_right

Contempt: Anger Plus Disgust

19:26 • 6min

chevron_right

Contempt in Everyday Conversation

25:55 • 43sec

chevron_right

Dark Triad Actors Online

26:38 • 3min

chevron_right

Habits Reinforce Contempt

29:22 • 4min

chevron_right

Reprogramming Bad Habits

33:32 • 2min

chevron_right

What to Do Instead of Contempt

35:40 • 4min

chevron_right

Practice Warm-Heartedness

39:12 • 3min

chevron_right

Four Practical Assignments

42:38 • 16sec

chevron_right

Disagree Better, Not Less

Go Toward Contempt with Love

44:49 • 1min

chevron_right

Gottman's Five-to-One Rule Applied

46:01 • 51sec

chevron_right

Gratitude Neutralizes Contempt

Q&A on Dark Triads and Family Estrangement

• Mentioned in 17 episodes

Love Your Enemies

How Decent People Can Save America from the Culture of Contempt

Arthur C Brooks

In 'Love Your Enemies,' Arthur C. Brooks argues that the current culture of contempt in America, fueled by divisive politics and social media, is not a path to lasting success. Instead, he proposes a strategy based on bridging divides and mending relationships. Brooks combines behavioral research, ancient wisdom, and his experience leading a top policy think tank to offer unconventional prescriptions for bringing America together. He emphasizes that disagreement is essential for excellence and that civility and tolerance are insufficient goals; what matters most is how we choose to act towards those we disagree with.

#16

• Mentioned in 314 episodes

How to Win Friends and Influence People

Dale Carnegie

First published in 1936, 'How to Win Friends and Influence People' by Dale Carnegie is a timeless guide to improving interpersonal skills. The book is divided into four main sections: Six Ways to Make People Like You, Twelve Ways to Win People to Your Way of Thinking, and Nine Ways to Change People Without Giving Offense or Arousing Resentment. Carnegie's principles emphasize the importance of genuine interest in others, active listening, and avoiding criticism and argument. The book offers practical advice on how to build strong relationships, communicate effectively, and influence others by aligning their self-interest with yours. It has been a cornerstone of personal development and business success for generations.

• Mentioned in 977 episodes

Atomic Habits

James Clear

Atomic Habits by James Clear provides a practical and scientifically-backed guide to forming good habits and breaking bad ones. The book introduces the Four Laws of Behavior Change: make it obvious, make it attractive, make it easy, and make it satisfying. It also emphasizes the importance of small, incremental changes (atomic habits) that compound over time to produce significant results. Clear discusses techniques such as habit stacking, optimizing the environment to support desired habits, and focusing on continuous improvement rather than goal fixation. The book is filled with actionable strategies, real-life examples, and stories from various fields, making it a valuable resource for anyone seeking to improve their habits and achieve personal growth.

#69

• Mentioned in 158 episodes

The Power of Habit

Why We Do What We Do in Life and Business

Charles Duhigg

In this book, Charles Duhigg explores the science of habit formation and change. He explains the 'habit loop' consisting of a cue, a routine, and a reward, and how understanding this loop can help in changing bad habits or forming good ones. The book includes numerous examples from various fields, such as how Procter & Gamble successfully marketed Febreze, how Alcoa transformed its business by focusing on safety, and how individuals like Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps and civil-rights hero Martin Luther King, Jr. benefited from specific habits. Duhigg argues that by harnessing this science, individuals and organizations can transform their lives and businesses.

America doesn’t have an anger problem. We have a contempt problem.

In this episode of Office Hours, I talk about how we can bring more love and happiness into a world that feels increasingly bitter and divided. Too often, contempt fills the space where love could exist. When we choose to love those who disagree with us, we not only make the world better, but we also make our own lives happier.

A lot of what I share today draws from my book Love Your Enemies: How Decent People Can Save America from the Culture of Contempt (2019). I reflect on what I’ve learned about standing up for those we oppose, and why real change starts when we take contempt personally. I hope you walk away from this episode remembering that behind every cruel remark or dehumanizing label is a person with inherent worth and dignity.

In the episode, I will also explore a psychological concept known as the Dark Triad—a trio of personality traits that can fuel conflict and polarization. If you're curious about how these traits show up in yourself or others, you can take a quick quiz at arthurbrooks.com/darktriads to see where you land.

We’d love to hear any feedback you have. Please email us at officehours@arthurbrooks.com. And please leave a review on Apple or Spotify. Thanks for listening!

—

Where to find Arthur Brooks:

• Website: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://arthurbrooks.com/⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

• Newsletter: ⁠https://www.arthurbrooks.com/newsletter⁠

• X: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://x.com/arthurbrooks⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

• Instagram: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.instagram.com/arthurcbrooks/⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

• Facebook: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.facebook.com/ArthurBrooks/⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

• YouTube: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCGuyFRjJQFGCKzfHTBvWM6A⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

• LinkedIn: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.linkedin.com/in/arthur-c-brooks/⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

• Email: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠officehours@arthurbrooks.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

—

Timestamps: