Gottman's Five-to-One Rule Applied

America doesn’t have an anger problem. We have a contempt problem.

In this episode of Office Hours, I talk about how we can bring more love and happiness into a world that feels increasingly bitter and divided. Too often, contempt fills the space where love could exist. When we choose to love those who disagree with us, we not only make the world better, but we also make our own lives happier.

A lot of what I share today draws from my book Love Your Enemies: How Decent People Can Save America from the Culture of Contempt (2019). I reflect on what I’ve learned about standing up for those we oppose, and why real change starts when we take contempt personally. I hope you walk away from this episode remembering that behind every cruel remark or dehumanizing label is a person with inherent worth and dignity.

In the episode, I will also explore a psychological concept known as the Dark Triad—a trio of personality traits that can fuel conflict and polarization. If you're curious about how these traits show up in yourself or others, you can take a quick quiz at arthurbrooks.com/darktriads to see where you land.

We’d love to hear any feedback you have. Please email us at officehours@arthurbrooks.com. And please leave a review on Apple or Spotify. Thanks for listening!

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Timestamps:

(00:00) Intro

(03:52) America’s growing crisis of contempt

(04:50) What motive attribution asymmetry is, and how to overcome it

(13:33) Why you should take hateful remarks personally and love your political enemies 

(18:59) Why anger isn’t the problem, but contempt is 

(24:23) How John Gottman identifies contempt in relationships doomed to fail

(26:01) How Dark Triad personalities thrive in a culture of contempt

(28:58) The neuroscience of habits and how they shape communication

(33:07) How to break a destructive habit

((42:09) Homework #1: Disagree better

(43:20) Homework #2: Stand up to your own side

(44:18) Homework #3: Go looking for contempt and meet it with love

(46:29) Homework #4: Express gratitude

(48:46) Q&A: How charisma connects to the dark triad

(50:10) Q&A: When family cuts you off (and why it’s more common than you think)

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Referenced:

• How to Build a Life: https://www.theatlantic.com/projects/how-build-life/

• Love Your Enemies: How Decent People Can Save America from the Culture of Contempt: https://www.amazon.com/Love-Your-Enemies-America-Contempt/dp/0062883755 

• America’s Crisis of Civic Virtue: https://www.journalofdemocracy.org/articles/americas-crisis-of-civic-virtue/ 

• Motive attribution asymmetry for love vs. hate drives intractable conflict: https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/25331879/

• ...References continued at: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.arthurbrooks.com/office-hours⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

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