Terry Real is a nationally recognized family therapist, author, and teacher. His book I Don't Want To Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression, the first book ever written on the topic of male depression, is a national bestseller. His new book, Us: Getting Past You & Me to Build a More Loving Relationship is a New York Times bestseller.
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Timestamps:
[00:00:00] Start.
[00:05:51] The pumpernickel story.
[00:09:44] Wise adult, wounded child, and adaptive child.
[00:11:25] Relational mindfulness.
[00:12:11] Remembering love.
[00:13:29] Why do we remain loyal to bad relationships?
[00:16:58] The RLT stance on taking a position as a therapist.
[00:18:46] Objectivity battles.
[00:24:11] Entering into compassionate curiosity about your partner’s subjective experience.
[00:29:40] Normal marital hatred.
[00:34:19] Taking the first steps toward repair.
[00:37:03] Empathizing with someone whose reality doesn’t match yours.
[00:39:45] Should you stay or should you go? Understanding relational reckoning.
[00:43:41] Leveraging a resistant partner toward therapy.
[00:46:03] The preconditions that must be addressed before RLT can be effective.
[00:48:37] Understanding covert depression in men.
[00:52:52] Determining underlying depression.
[00:54:36] Favored modalities for working with trauma.
[00:55:04] Parsing the patriarchy.
[00:59:35] Taking care of your relationship’s biosphere without being codependent.
[01:03:23] Terry’s prescription for overcoming my own faulty childhood templates.
[01:07:05] Pondering gender expectations and expressions.
[01:13:06] Were Terry’s distinctly different boys raised similarly?
[01:15:05] A good Morani vs. a great Morani.
[01:16:53] The greatest achievement of Terry’s life.
[01:18:44] Advice for people who want to be better parents than the ones they had.
[01:21:17] The typical format of Terry’s men’s group therapy.
[01:23:56] Full-respect living, group guidelines, and boundaries.
[01:25:07] Comparing and contrasting Relational Life Therapy (RLT) with Internal Family Systems (IFS).
[01:27:54] Modern relationship challenges — from polyamory to monogamy.
[01:29:53] The research is clear: Humans are born to be intimate.
[01:32:16] Toxic femininity and the new world order.
[01:34:40] Relational empowerment vs. individual empowerment.
[01:35:45] One up, one down.
[01:37:50] From grandiosity to baseline: Relational joy vs. gratification.
[01:43:06] How to learn more about Terry’s work.
[01:45:16] Recommended reading.
[01:49:09] Terry’s billboard.
[01:49:34] Parting thoughts.
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