The Science Behind Why Relationships Last Or Fail - Drs John & Julie Gottman
Feb 16, 2023
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Explore the secrets to lasting love with insights from the Gottmans, who reveal the four main reasons relationships fail. Discover how emotional dynamics and effective communication can transform conflict into connection. Learn about the 'four horsemen' and strategies to manage them, emphasizing empathy and emotional understanding. The conversation also highlights the significance of creating rituals and conducting relationship reviews to deepen intimacy, alongside their latest book offering a seven-day action plan for nurturing relationships.
Take breaks during overwhelming conversations to communicate effectively and understand each other's perspectives.
Identify and address destructive patterns like criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling for a healthy relationship.
Establish rituals of connection and conduct relationship evaluations to enhance communication and strengthen the bond between partners.
Deep dives
The Importance of Emotional Safety and Breaks in Communication
In a successful couple, when one partner senses they are becoming overwhelmed or flooded during a conversation, they take a break and specify when they will resume the conversation. This allows them to come back to the discussion when they are calmer and ready to communicate effectively. By doing so, the conversation can be transformed, and they can better understand each other's experiences and perspectives.
Identifying Negative Patterns and Building Healthy Relationships
Research on relationships and divorce has identified key factors that can predict the success or failure of a relationship. Some of these factors include how much positive emotion versus negative emotion is present during interactions, and the presence of destructive patterns known as the four horsemen of the apocalypse (criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling). Understanding and addressing these patterns is crucial for building and maintaining a healthy relationship.
The Unique Dynamics of Gay and Lesbian Relationships
Gay and lesbian relationships have shown to have certain strengths and qualities compared to heterosexual relationships. These include less defensiveness, more humor, and a reduced power struggle. By studying these relationships, insights can be gained that can improve communication and connection in all types of relationships.
Creating Rituals of Connection and Regular Relationship Evaluations
Establishing rituals of connection, such as regular activities or habits that strengthen the bond between partners, fosters a sense of togetherness. Additionally, conducting relationship evaluations, where partners openly discuss their needs, solve problems, and express appreciation for each other, can enhance communication and guide the relationship in a positive direction.
Improving Relationships through Small Daily Actions
The podcast emphasizes the importance of small daily actions in improving relationships. By being kind, giving compliments, and expressing affection, couples can strengthen their emotional connection. The hosts discuss the power of turning toward each other's bids for connection, providing examples of how responding positively can lead to greater relationship satisfaction. They also highlight the significance of discussing needs in a positive manner and honoring each other's dreams. The podcast promotes the idea that consistent implementation of these actions can lead to a more intimate, connected, and joyful relationship.
Preparing for Parenthood and Nurturing Relationships
The podcast explores the importance of preparing for parenthood and nurturing relationships during this transition. The hosts suggest having open conversations about important parenting decisions, such as discipline and supporting a child's gender identity. They recommend lining up a support system comprising friends and resources to navigate the challenges of raising a child. The hosts also mention a workshop called 'Bringing Baby Home,' which provides tools and skills to maintain relationship happiness during the early stages of parenthood. Overall, the podcast encourages proactive communication, emotional support, and shared decision-making as key factors in successful parenting and relationship growth.
What makes for a loving relationship that lasts? For over 40 years Drs. John and Julie Gottman have devoted their life to answering this question with the research and practice of fostering healthy, long-lasting relationships. Through studying thousands of couples, publishing over 200 academic articles, more than 40 books on the topic and co-founding the Gottman’s Institute, John and Julie have created interventions to change the way that couples relate to each other to help people succeed in the future of their relationships. In the conversation, John and Julie give me a masterclass in everything there is to know about building long lasting relationships, we cover the four key reasons why relationships fail, communication strategies, rituals to cultivate deeper connection and their latest book The Seven Day Love Prescription which distills their work into a seven-day action plan for deeper intimacy. Enjoy :)
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(00:00) Intro (02:06) Why do we need research about love and relationships? (04:37) Research methodology for analysing couples (06:42) What are the things that predict a relationship will be happy? (07:52) The 4 reasons why relationships fail (16:04) Strategies to overcome anger (18:35) What can people do to overcome conflict in relationships (24:30) Why logic vs emotion is a false dichotomy (33:10) Common mistakes men make in relationships (38:12) Your research into LGBTQ+ relationships (40:18) The biggest difference between men and women in relationships (43:40) Decision making in relationships (48:01) Rituals of connection (51:01) Relationship reviews (56:35) What is the function of marriage? (01:07:31) Is there an ideal age gap? (01:10:44) Relationships therapy and pre-commitment counselling (01:14:12) The love prescription formula (01:26:06) Book writing
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