Harvard Medical School psychologist Susan David and Adam discuss the skills of emotional agility and how to manage unwanted emotions. They talk about the risks of judging and suppressing emotions, the pressure to be positive, and why optimism is not essential to well-being. They also explore the importance of paying attention to what you feel and how it can reveal your values.
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Quick takeaways
Emotional skills are often undervalued but essential for personal well-being and adaptability in a changing world.
Viewing emotions as teachable moments and reframing them as opportunities for growth leads to a more constructive and empowered relationship with our emotions.
Deep dives
Importance of Emotional Skills
Emotional skills have historically been seen as less important or denigrated, often labeled as 'soft skills.' This perception stems from the association of emotional capacities with femininity and the prioritization of math and hard sciences traditionally taught to men. However, this view neglects the fact that emotional skills can be learned and are essential for navigating a changing world. It is unfortunate that these skills are not taught rigorously in schools, as they have a significant impact on personal well-being and adaptability. Developing emotional agility is crucial for effectively managing emotions and responding to a complex and dynamic world.
Ineffective Strategies for Emotion Regulation
Some common ineffective strategies for managing unpleasant emotions include emotion suppression and brooding. Emotion suppression involves trying to push aside or ignore negative emotions, often with good intentions. However, this approach can have negative consequences for long-term well-being and relationships. On the other hand, brooding involves ruminating excessively on difficult emotions, leading to a lack of presence and an inability to effectively deal with current circumstances. Additionally, when people engage in co-brooding, seeking validation for negative emotions from others, they miss the opportunity to gain a deeper understanding of their emotions and develop wisdom.
Emotions as Teachable Moments
Rather than categorizing emotions as inherently good or bad, it is important to view them as valuable teachable moments. Emotions, even unpleasant ones, can serve a purpose and provide insights into areas where personal growth and improvement are needed. For example, feelings of regret can prompt us to make wiser decisions, guilt can be a reminder to do the right thing, and disappointment can guide us toward better preparation or perseverance. By reframing emotions as opportunities for learning and growth, we can develop a more constructive and empowered relationship with our emotional experiences.
The Tyranny of Forced Positivity
The pressure to always be positive, or what Susan David calls the 'tyranny of positivity,' can be detrimental to our well-being and hinder our ability to navigate life's challenges effectively. While optimism and a belief in a better future are essential, true optimism comes from acknowledging and accepting difficult emotions. Forcing ourselves to be positive and suppressing or denying negative emotions creates a disconnection from reality and prevents us from engaging in essential conversations and meaningful growth. It is important to understand that emotions are not inherently good or bad, and embracing the full range of emotions allows for a more authentic and resilient approach to life.
You don’t always decide what you feel, but you do own how you react to those feelings. In her bestselling book and TED Talk, Harvard Medical School psychologist Susan David examines the skills involved in emotional agility. She and Adam go deep on this topic, discussing the risks of judging and suppressing unwanted emotions — and effective techniques for managing them. They explore why optimism is not essential to well-being and how to overcome pressure to be positive. And they reveal how paying attention to what you feel can reveal what you value. Transcripts for ReThinking are available at go.ted.com/RWAGscripts
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