138: Why You’re Obsessed with People Who Hurt You (And How to Finally Stop) With Nicole Vignola

12 snips

May 9, 2025

In this enlightening conversation, neuroscientist Nicole Vignola, an expert on brain patterns and emotional experiences, reveals why we fixate on people who hurt us. She explores the role of dopamine in creating obsessive loops and how childhood attachment styles influence our adult relationships. Listeners will learn practical techniques for breaking these cycles, including self-compassion and cognitive reframing. Nicole also discusses the challenges of modern digital interactions and offers strategies for regaining control and fostering healthier connections.

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INSIGHT

Obsessing is Cognitive Dissonance

Obsessing stems from the brain's prediction and expectation mismatch.
Cognitive dissonance arises when reality conflicts with our mental blueprint for a relationship.

INSIGHT

Dopamine Drives Anticipation

Dopamine triggers anticipation, not the reward itself.
Intermittent rewards and unexpected stimuli create addictive dopamine loops.

ANECDOTE

Dopamine Jolt from Unknown Number

Sabrina avoided saving a person's phone number to feel a dopamine 'jolt' when receiving a text.
This created repeated dopamine spikes tied to unexpected notifications.

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Are you tired of replaying the same scenarios in your head, checking their socials, and wondering why you can’t let go—even when you know they’re wrong for you? In this episode of The Sabrina Zohar Show, neuroscientist and author Nicole Vignola breaks down exactly what’s happening in your brain when you’re stuck on someone who isn’t right for you. From the dopamine loops that keep you addicted to the anticipation of a text to the childhood patterns shaping your attachment style, we dig into the neuroscience of obsession and how to actually break the cycle.

You’ll learn why your brain seeks intermittent rewards, how to interrupt obsessive loops, what the default mode network has to do with emotional spirals, and the role of self-compassion in rewiring your brain. Nicole also shares tools like cognitive reframing, dopamine redirection, and the physiological sigh to help regulate your nervous system and regain control. If you're stuck in a spiral post-breakup or can’t stop thinking about someone who isn’t showing up for you, this episode is your science-backed roadmap to let go for good.

Want to dive deeper into this? Check out Nicole’s book Rewire, and don’t forget to subscribe to The Sabrina Zohar Show for more brain-based dating and relationship tools.

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