Redemptive Living Radio

Hi y’all, you get the B team for the show notes on this episode! Jason here, trying to take up the slack, so these notes will be from my perspective not Shelley’s this time. Listener Question #1 : How do I help my wife be close to me again? With this question, we first have to remember that she may not be ready to be close again. If that’s the case, our efforts to draw her close will feel manipulative and selfish. Second, we have to challenge our motives and scrutinize if this is a) about sex, and b) about us. Once we’ve established that she does in fact want to figure out how to be close again, and that we aren’t focused on sexual and physical intimacy, and we’re not making it about us, here are a few things we have to ask ourselves as husbands: - “am I intentionally creating safety?” - “am I creating intimacy (especially outside of sexual)?” - “how can I communicate with my words what I want to communicate with my body?" Listener Question #2 - 28:15 - What tips do we have for men who can’t see the need for help? This is a painful question. My hunch is it’s from a wife, whose husband refuses help. If you’re in that boat, I’m sorry. We talk about how this is both a spiritual/faith issue, as well as an arrogance and pride issue. A short bible study here...We reference the following verse: Matthew 5:48 - "Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.” The word perfect in this verse is the greek word, teleios, which means "of mind and character, one who has reached the proper height of virtue”. It is often misquoted to mean sinless perfection, which for me (Jason) meant a feeling of perpetual failure. Blah. I love what Charles Spurgeon (an English pastor in the mid-late 1800s) says of this: "Rise out of ordinary manhood. Get beyond what others might expect of you. Have a high standard. Stretch towards the highest conceivable standard, and be not satisfied till you reach it." We have to be careful that we don’t become tangled up in the barbed wire of our own ego! Here are the key takeaways for both husband and wife: Takeaway for a husband: ask 3 people in your life if they see anything you could work on as a man, a leader, a christian, a husband, etc. and prepare your heart to receive it. Takeaway for her: is him getting help in this specific area an absolute non-negotiable for her? If so, you’ll need to confront the issue head-on. We reference Matthew 18:15-16 - If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ Nothing about this is pleasant or easy. Husbands, please see that if she is backed into this corner it only serves to add insult to the betrayal injury.  We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us for Season #7. Registration for the next WOHT workshop for men coming April 4-6, 2025 outside Austin, TX. About half the spots are already taken! Don’t miss your spot. Click here for all the details and to register. Applications open today for the Spring 2025 Women’s Retreat.  Would love for you to consider joining me and my team there. Empowered Boundaries is SOLD OUT as of last week. Join the Wait Listto be the first to know when the class opens again for registration. Make sure you download the Podcast Freebies! You can do that here.   For more information on RL Academy, click here. Join the community on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter +announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list. Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast

In light of some of the episodes we have produced this season - the deeper pain points, the why work episodes - there is a looming question I have wanted to address with Jason, on behalf of all women.  And here is the question:   Why did you marry me? And what makes me think you want to be with me today? Maybe better put - convince me that you want to be with me.  And in all fairness - she also has to answer the same question:  do I want to be with him? Jason shared some of the ways he thinks he can show her that he wants to be with her and here they are: 1 - Protecting her from him.  (Jason gave the example of his selfishness or his ADD.) 2 - Sacrifice and surrender for her behalf - “I will surrender for her sake.” 3 - Pursuit of and commitment to holistic intimacy. 4 - Surrendering physical intimacy. 5 - Honoring her needs / boundaries. 6 - Saying it:  I want to be with you. 7 - Fidelity. 8 - Restitution - considering the question:  in what ways am I making your life better? Jason mentioned the quote from John Bowlby - “Security is knowing you exist in someone else’s mind.” I also shared what it looked like for me to get to a place of peace regarding this question.  I spoke about having an expectant hope / wait that this would get resolved, and to hold this conundrum out in front of me.  I had to decide if I wanted to be with Jason and I also had to watch to see if Jason showed (behaviorally) if he wanted to be with me, even when I was at my worst. Ultimately - it’s so important for her to know and experience the peace of mind that comes with knowing where he is at on this topic. We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us for Season #7. Registration for the next WOHT workshop for men coming April 4-6, 2025 outside Austin, TX. Click here for all the details and to register. Applications open today for the Spring 2025 Women’s Retreat.  Would love for you to consider joining me and my team there. Empowered Boundaries is SOLD OUT as of last week. Join the Wait List to be the first to know when the class opens again for registration. Make sure you download the Podcast Freebies! You can do that here.   For more information on RL Academy, click here. Join the community on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list. Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

In this episode, we talk about the interplay between the “why” work and the “what now” work.  The why work is heavy in the beginning of the process, and continues to “hum” in the background - but the "what now" begins to take more and more precedence, or at least that is what we hope for. This wasn’t said in the episode but I want to say - I think the why work oftentimes takes a lot of intentionality (which means time) to take shape.  I don’t want to give the impression that the why work is easy - Jason continues to have revelations about his why two decades in! Let’s make sure we understand the difference between the two:  the why is the awareness and insight work v the what now is the character work.  And that is JUST as important.  Jason said early in this episode: the what now work is a new conscious way of living in light of the why.  Love. Jason reviews a couple of cautions: "what now" should not be “fix it” oriented. the “why" shouldn’t be a license to not look at the "what now" - and the opposite also applies - the "what now" shouldn’t be a license to not look at the “why”.  {And I realize - I am using double negatives here - please ignore!} the "what now" work can veer toward self-sufficiency and we have to remember that we do some of the work and God does the work in us as well. And a point of encouragement - doing the what now work can be empowering! As for practical next steps: consider: where are you stuck in the why? what are the character qualities that you DO want to live into? Bottom line - we don’t want to get so stuck in the why to the point where we aren’t able to move forward into the “what do I do now”.  And in that - the “what now” can be empowering to lean into - sometimes, like Jason shared in the final story - it takes a reframe. We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us for Season #7. Join the Wait List here so that you are the first to know about the next WOHT workshop for men coming April 4-6, 2025 outside Austin, TX. Would love for you to consider joining me at the Spring 2025 Women's Retreat - you can join the wait list here.  More details coming soon! Empowered Boundaries is SOLD OUT as of yesterday. Join the Wait List to be the first to know when the class opens again for registration. Make sure you download the Podcast Freebies! You can do that here.   For more information on RL Academy, click here. Join the community on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list. Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

In today's episode - I wanted to talk to Jason about his needs and her needs in the recovery process in a more informal way (as in - we didn’t do a ton of prep work before hitting the record button).   I started off by sharing that I believe her needs are more important in the recovery process due to the covenant bond being broken (so in other words - one of the natural consequences of the sin of betrayal). Jason then chimed in and I really like what he said:  his needs aren’t less valid - it’s just that her needs take precedence until there is trust and security restored in the relationship.  Again, it’s NOT that his needs aren’t valid at all.  It’s that they have to be met in a different way (through community / other safe men) until the security and trust has been restored. Other things we discussed: - His needs being super-sized causes the level of expectation for them to be met to be super-sized which then means the level of disappointment that he has will be super-sized. - Character is built when our needs aren’t being met and yet we are being the best version of ourselves, sitting in unmet needs. - Jason says - men have to scrutinize their needs that they are bringing to the table.  This is because in the past his needs were born out of his wounded-ness.  (And with that, n faulty expectation that she will be the one to make up for his wounds / needs from childhood.) - Her owning what she needs is an important part of her process - it’s connected to boundaries and will help her move forward in her process and get clarity. - I mentioned that women oftentimes are seen as “needy” in the recovery process and Jason said the inverse applies as well - he also can appear to be “needy” in the recovery process.  We explain some of the reasons for this. - I mention the importance of the dynamic where he allows her the space to have needs - and how this is integral in moving the coupleship forward.  And yet - how does he do this when he is also walking around with a lot of needs that he *was* meeting in an illegitimate way and now having to  sit with unmet needs.  So messy.  Jason said three things that motivated him: - to meet my  need was an opportunity for him to rebuild trust. - My needs were an indication that I was still invested in the relationship. - My needs were an opportunity for him to be less focused on himself. We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us for Season #7. Join the Wait List here so that you are the first to know about the next WOHT workshop for men coming April 4-6, 2025 outside Austin, TX. Empowered Boundaries is coming back SOON. Join the Wait List to be the first to know when the class opens for registration. Make sure you download the Podcast Freebies! You can do that here.   Would love for you to consider joining me at the Spring 2025 Women's Retreat - you can join the wait list here.  More details coming soon! For more information on RL Academy, click here. Join the community on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list. Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

This week we are talking resentment, iced tea, hand towels and dealing with Shelley’s mic situation.  I promise that is going to go away in future episodes - I didn’t realize that I am touching the mic so much!!!   I didn’t realize until about a year ago that resentment is a HUGE part of what he struggles with and has to untangle in his recovery process.  Specifically resentment toward her.  Literally - I had NO clue.   Our working definition of resentment:  demands equanimity and justice, used as a weapon, rooted in vows unfulfilled - and finally - projected at another person.  Ultimately - there is an urge (when feeling resentment) for the other person to make it right.   I really appreciated when Jason said:  “Resentment is largely connected to our core wounds. The things I resent you most for is most closely tied to the ‘I' that is biggest for me.”  If the core wound is powerlessness - there will be resentment where it feels like there is loss of control, if the core wound is insignificance - there will be resentment where he feels unseen, rejected or misunderstood.   We divided resentment into two types for our conversation:  false resentment and valid resentment.   False resentment - a projection of resentment onto her, essentially blaming her for the resentment (or deep disappointment) he is feeling.  Three types of false resentment: - I resent me and project it onto you. - I’ve violated one of my vows and I’m projecting resentment onto you. - I’m bargaining and projecting the resentment bubbling up onto you.   Valid resentment - legitimate hurt that is not tended to that eventually turns to bitterness and resentment.   What’s important is to pause anytime resentment is experienced - and consider what is at the root of it - if it’s valid resentment - we work toward grieving and forgiveness.  If it’s false resentment we work toward naming what is under the resentment, holding off on not blaming her, and rather dealing with what is at the root of the false resentment.   False resentment perpetuates the powerlessness, insignificance and incompetence that he is experiencing.  See how we are now chasing our tails?!  Thus - the false resentment is so important to watch for and name.  (I feel like we could also call it toxic resentment.)   At the very end of the episode - I ask Jason - is resentment typically used as an excuse for the acting out?  And Jason said yes.  I feel like we opened up another can of worms at the very end.  And to bring these show notes full circle - I just want to go organize my hand towels and wonder why in the world it took me 21 years to see how much his resentment plays into the process.   Learning with you, every step of the way.   We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us for Season #7. The WOHT workshop for men just outside San Antonio, TX is sold out for January. Join the Wait List here so that you are the first to know about the next workshop this year. Empowered Boundaries is coming back SOON. Join the Wait List to be the first to know when the class opens for registration. Make sure you download the Podcast Freebies! You can do that here.   Would love for you to consider joining me at the Spring 2025 Women's Retreat - you can join the wait list here.  More details coming soon! For more information on RL Academy, click here. Join the community on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list. Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

In this episode we are continuing to talk about his “why”.  It will be helpful for you to understand the four different categories that we are talking about as you listen to this episode and download the pdf which will be in the podcast freebie email (see link below).  Here are the four categories that go into the why:   Life Situations or Contextual Realities - noteworthy life events from your life between the ages of 6-16 (or beyond). Impact or Wounding - the impact based on the life situation - as Jason spoke about the impacts, he used feeling words, the 3I’s, and how he saw himself. Operating Principles / Character Brokenness - The mantras, vows and concepts we develop about how we will do life based on the life situations and the impact / wound.  These can be subconscious or conscious. Acting Out - The behaviors done sexually to mitigate pain and shame.   All four of these components culminate in the why.   A couple of important things to remember:   - When doing why work - oftentimes, the third piece - the operating principle is the missing component.  This step is really where the why will start to come together. - It’s a process - part Holy Spirit work, part internal work, part feedback from others we trust as we share our story with them. - Ultimately, getting to the why will help her make sense of the senselessness and will help him make sense of the things he has done, in order to live differently from here on out. - None of the why was about her - none of it.  Just to be clear - when I said this - what I meant is:  none of this was her fault, at all.  She is not the why.  The end.   We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us for Season #7. The WOHT workshop for men just outside San Antonio, TX is sold out for January. Join the Wait List here so that you are the first to know about the next workshop later this year. Empowered Boundaries is coming back SOON. Join the Wait List to be the first to know when the class opens for registration. Make sure you download the Podcast Freebies! You can do that here.   Would love for you to consider joining me at the Spring 2025 Women's Retreat - you can join the wait list here.  More details coming soon! For more information on RL Academy, click here. Join the community on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list. Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

Alright everyone - here we go - we are officially jumping into Season #7 and we aren’t turning back.  We are SO excited to be with you guys - and we are hoping we can be here for a while - we will see how long we can last!   We are going to be talking about “Why” work in this episode as well as the next one.  This episode is more so laying the foundation for episode #83 where we unpack the roadmap for getting to the why.   Jason states several things out of the gate that I think are important:   If you don’t understand your why - you are at a substantially higher risk of relapsing. Understanding the why radically changes how your conceptualize what you did and who you are. Sometimes it’s hard to get to the why in certain cases.  So it’s not always an easy process. There is also a balance between focusing on the why and doing recovery work.  Focusing too much on the why to the point where the recovery work is neglected is not the point here.   And now for the foundational things to be aware of and also name for yourself (him) when working toward the why:   We start by unpacking the markers or risk factors that we see in men with sexual integrity issues:  Abandonment, Shame (difficulty naming it and working through it), Corruption of the Arousal Template, Enmeshment, Abuse.   Here are the other things mentioned that it’s important to have an understanding of / appreciation for:   #1 - The Three I’s (Shame based self-concepts).   #2 - Sexuality becomes THE vehicle that delivers love.   #3 - Correlation between his acting out and his core wounds.   #4 - The acting out is both an expression and an offset to the shame.   #5 - Acting out is about meeting legitimate needs in an illegitimate way.   #6 - It comes down to being an intimacy issue - the pursuit of intimacy in a false way versus pursuing intimacy in a God-designed way - mind, heart, body soul.   And a word from me (Shelley) - notice that NONE of this has to do with her.  NONE of it.  The end.   We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us for Season #7.   The WOHT workshop for men just outside San Antonio, TX is sold out for January. Join the Wait List here so that you are the first to know about the next workshop later this year. Empowered Boundaries is coming back SOON. Join the Wait List to be the first to know when the class opens for registration. Make sure you download the Podcast Freebies! You can do that here.   Would love for you to consider joining me at the Spring 2025 Women's Retreat - you can join the wait list here.  More details coming soon! For more information on RL Academy, click here. Join the community on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list. Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

Welcome to the official first episode of Season #7! In this episode we wanted to talk to all of you about how to handle the deeper pain points (of hers) that feel like they will never ever go away. How can he help her handle those deeper pain points and how can she handle those deeper pain points.   Jason’s tips for husbands:     First - we can’t judge and don’t have a right to judge how deep the well of grief is. When he judges what is in the well, this just further adds to the sludge in the bottom of the well.     Second - and point in case - husbands have to remember that they throw things back into the well when they (for example): sigh, don’t give her space to grieve, ask how much longer until she will get past the grief and pain, etc.     Third - initiative is key. When he takes initiative and brings it up - he is scooping with a bigger bucket which will only help.   Next steps for women pertaining to the deeper pain points:   First - make a list of your pain points (the things that keep bubbling up in your heart and mind). Keep in mind, you may need to take a chunk of time to really know what these pain points are - they are usually the thoughts or images that come to mind that make your heart ache over and over and over again. So give yourself a week or two and keep coming back to your journal to jot them down. Then - go back and mark the ones that are the deeper of the pain points, the ones that take your breath away. Most women have a handful of these.   Second - use these journal prompts to continue to pump the well and bring clarity to the deeper pain points:   #1 - What hurts the most about this particular pain point? (The reason this hurts so much is because…) #2 - Name something you have lost because of this particular hurt.   Third - take yourself through the Self Compassion Exercise for each of the deeper pain points - see the Podcast Freebies for that particular exercise.   Please note - the goal isn’t to get rid of these pain points but rather to pump the well and to be faithful to honor them, name them, experience them and ultimately move through them.   We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us for Season #7. “Name it to tame it” comes from Dr. Daniel Siegel, the author of Mindsight. He talks about how the limbic system actually Would love for you to join Jason and his team at the Worthy of Her Trust Workshop for men just outside San Antonio, TX from January 24-26, 2025. Make sure you download the Podcast Freebies! You can do that here.  Would love for you to consider joining me at the Spring 2025 Women's Retreat - you can join the wait list here.  More details coming soon! For more information on RL Academy, click here. Join the community on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list. Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

Hey Guys!  We wanted to re-release an episode from the past pertaining to navigating the holidays well.  The holidays can be really challenging - no matter what - and then throw in Family Systems (see below) + recovery and it’s a LOT.  The happy holidays can feel like the not so happy holidays. The back drop of this conversation we are having is rooted in Family Systems Theory by Murray Bowen.  Bottom line is in every family - there are unspoken agreements and roles within the family system.  For instance, you might be the clown of the family, the peace keeper, the hero… the list goes on and on.  When we merge family systems (by going to the in-laws for Thanksgiving, for instance) there will absolutely be an impact to the “system”.   We cover five key points to ponder as you consider how Family Systems impacts your holiday experience:   1. Name the role you played in your family of origin as well as who you are now relative to the earlier role you played. 2. Acknowledge your wife’s needs when navigating holiday interactions. 3. When emotions are high, use discernment on what to share and say in front of extended family, AND honor yourself and your boundaries / limits. 4. Front Loading conversations between him and her prior to the holiday gatherings. 5. Daily Downloads, initiated by him, for the two of you every day you are with extended family. 6. And Bonus:  for women - identifying anchors (activities you can do to keep yourself grounded) on the daily while with extended family.   We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us and we are excited to be with you for one more episode this year (fresh and new) and then we will be back in January for Season #7. Click here for all the details on the Worthy of Her Trust Workshop just outside San Antonio, TX from January 24-26, 2025. Join the community on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list. Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast. Subscribe here to the Podcast Freebies.

We are so excited to get this season going and before we really get going in January - we wanted to release a couple of episodes this month and then come January, we will be back with all sorts of content.  Here is what we have planned thus far:   Interviews with some of the amazing folks from our team, the 90/10 rule, trusting ourselves post-betrayal, personal recovery isn’t the same thing as relational recovery, the mundanity of recovery, how do we know if he is acting out?, sure signs of progress,  the list goes on. We can’t wait to connect with you guys and we are even hoping at some point this season we will record some of the podcast recordings via video and post them on YouTube.   If you want to subscribe to the Podcast Freebies - please click here.  And don’t forget - if you have subscribed to the podcast freebies in the past - email us here and we can resend you a fresh email with all the up-to-date links.   Merry Christmas!   Shelley + Jason   Join the community on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list. Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast. Subscribe here to the Podcast Freebies.