#85: His Needs Vs Her Needs

In today's episode - I wanted to talk to Jason about his needs and her needs in the recovery process in a more informal way (as in - we didn’t do a ton of prep work before hitting the record button).  

I started off by sharing that I believe her needs are more important in the recovery process due to the covenant bond being broken (so in other words - one of the natural consequences of the sin of betrayal).

Jason then chimed in and I really like what he said:  his needs aren’t less valid - it’s just that her needs take precedence until there is trust and security restored in the relationship.  Again, it’s NOT that his needs aren’t valid at all.  It’s that they have to be met in a different way (through community / other safe men) until the security and trust has been restored.

Other things we discussed:

- His needs being super-sized causes the level of expectation for them to be met to be super-sized which then means the level of disappointment that he has will be super-sized.

- Character is built when our needs aren’t being met and yet we are being the best version of ourselves, sitting in unmet needs.

- Jason says - men have to scrutinize their needs that they are bringing to the table.  This is because in the past his needs were born out of his wounded-ness.  (And with that, n faulty expectation that she will be the one to make up for his wounds / needs from childhood.)

- Her owning what she needs is an important part of her process - it’s connected to boundaries and will help her move forward in her process and get clarity.

- I mentioned that women oftentimes are seen as “needy” in the recovery process and Jason said the inverse applies as well - he also can appear to be “needy” in the recovery process.  We explain some of the reasons for this.

- I mention the importance of the dynamic where he allows her the space to have needs - and how this is integral in moving the coupleship forward.  And yet - how does he do this when he is also walking around with a lot of needs that he *was* meeting in an illegitimate way and now having to  sit with unmet needs.  So messy.  Jason said three things that motivated him:

- to meet my  need was an opportunity for him to rebuild trust.

- My needs were an indication that I was still invested in the relationship.

- My needs were an opportunity for him to be less focused on himself.

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