Playing With Fire

Confession: We have not solved our mono-minds. The paradigm of monogamy runs deep in our society, so even though we’ve done decades of deep work to break out of those default frameworks and process our internalized polyphobia, we aren’t immune to the trappings of the mono-mind. Just like many of the other life-changing processes that come with opening up intentionally and successfully (think individuation and differentiation), there is no end point to unpacking your mono-mind. It’s a life-long process, and we love to talk about it! Our last episode on unf*cking your mono-mind is one of our top 10 most popular episodes, so we have a hunch that this may be coming up for you too… which is why we’re going even deeper in this part 2 episode. In this episode, we’re breaking down: — The concept of the mono-mind and how it influences our assumptions and perspectives on life and relationships — Internalized polyphobia and why the default beliefs of a monogamous society can run so deep in our psyches — How to recognize monogamous biases in our thoughts, language, and behaviors — The importance of questioning what defines romance and intimacy while unpacking your mono-mindset — Why looking at how you view friendships can be a powerful way to unpack your monogamous lenses — The slippery nature of monogamous norms — How the mono-mind can impact experiences of jealousy and boundaries in your relationships — Why the process of unf*cking your mono-mind never has a clear end point (and why that’s not a bad thing) — The value of community support and resources for unpacking monogamous conditioning — Practical steps you can take to increase your awareness of mono-centric assumptions and tendencies Resources mentioned in this episode: — The book Polywise by Jessica Fern and David Cooley — Playing With Fire Episode 94 Romantic Friendships: Subversive & Awesome JOIN The Year of Opening community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠ Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

Feeling anxious while your partner is out on a date? You're not alone! Discover practical strategies to navigate those pesky feelings of jealousy and anxiety. Learn how to use pattern detection, emotional regulation, and resourcing while your partner enjoys their time. The hosts share their own experiences and effective do's and don’ts. Plus, explore the importance of reconnecting, how jealousy can turn into wisdom, and the need for structured communication to maintain intimacy. Transform your fears into deeper connections!

Laura Boyle, an author and coach specializing in polyamorous relationships, dives into the often overlooked practicalities of non-monogamous living. She shares insights from her book, revealing surprising common sizes of poly households and creative space management solutions. The conversation touches on the importance of open dialogue regarding finances, shared parenting, and introducing partners to children. Boyle explores the complexities of relationship dynamics and emphasizes that navigating these details can enhance connections and mitigate potential issues.

A lot of personal growth work is about recognizing and focusing on what we can change in our lives. Take responsibility and make the changes needed. But sometimes you’re stuck. Stuck and bewildered by how this shit keeps happening. There are those same old cyclical situations… a heated argument with a romantic partner, a recurring issue at work, a really challenging family dynamic… where we feel like we have no control. All those tools and practices go out the window and it feels like the situation is just happening at us. These challenges are the perfect place to start practicing shadow work—the process of becoming aware of what you’ve suppressed, hated, and denied about yourself. Sound a little scary? Don’t worry, shadow work does not mean embracing and enacting all the mean parts of yourself. In other words, doing this work doesn’t mean becoming an asshole. There are many ways to do shadow work, but today we’re focusing on a method created by Carolyn Lovewell called Existential Kink. Existential Kink involves loving, accepting, and owning the ‘guilty pleasure’ we get from the shadowy aspects of our subconscious, and we’re walking you through the whole process. In this episode, we’re breaking down: — What the shadow is — What it means to do shadow work — How Jungian and depth psychology define and approach the shadow — Examples of how and why people repress and deny aspects of themselves — Why unexamined shadow aspects of ourselves often lead to projections — How embracing and recollecting repressed aspects of ourselves can be powerfully transformative for your personal growth and relationships — Why shadow work does not mean embracing and enacting evil/mean aspects of ourselves (AKA becoming an asshole) — The theory behind and process of Existential Kink — The importance of community and support while doing depth psychological work Resources mentioned in this episode: — My Individuation Alchemy program — Carolyn Lovewell’s book, work, and programs — Lindsay Braman’s Emotion Sensation Feelings Wheel JOIN The Year of Opening community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠ Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Read the transcript of this episode here Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

Abbey and Liam, advocates for conscious relationships, share their insights on non-monogamy and parenting. They discuss their unique journey of coming out to friends and family, emphasizing the importance of open dialogue. The couple balances non-monogamous practices with parenting, addressing age-appropriate conversations about relationships. They tackle jealousy through humor, revealing Liam's clever 'motorbike rule.' Highlighting the connection between non-monogamy and living fully, they stress the value of communication and emotional safety in nurturing relationships.

Opening up isn’t just about f*cking around and finding out. Done thoughtfully, it’s an experience of opening up yourself. It winds up being a journey of learning what you truly need and want and how to collaborate to create relationships that truly fit. The Year of Opening is POWERFUL. I’ve seen people transform themselves and their lives in this program, over and over. In this special PWF episode, we sit down with five past participants to hear about what brought them to The Year of Opening, the challenges they faced in their opening journeys, and the transformations they underwent along the way. We created The Year of Opening to give people access to researched-backed tools, professional support, and a community of people who just get it, all in one place. Hear all about it from these amazing, brave YOO graduates, who get vulnerable in this episode to give you a peek into what it’s like to join this community. If you’re looking for support on your opening journey, but you have some questions about the best way to get it, this episode is for you! Our graduates share: — What inspired them to find support — What it was like being in a group and talking about vulnerable stuff — The tools and concepts that stuck with them — How the work is continuing to benefit their lives — The unexpected personal growth that came from working on their relationships — The importance of community support while exploring non-monogamy JOIN The Year of Opening community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.theyearofopening.com⁠⁠ Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at⁠⁠ ⁠www.JoliQuiz.com⁠ Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Read the transcript of this episode here Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

When we read Entwined, Alex Alberto’s genre-blending memoir, we felt seen, understood, and represented on a whole new level. We knew right away that we wanted Alex to join us on Playing With Fire—and this week’s episode is even better than we could have imagined!! Alex’s ground-breaking collection of essays covers beautiful and difficult parts of polyamory that are rarely discussed in story-telling formats. They show us how intense and transformative metamour relationships can be, and they bring us stories of sex and love that go beyond the romp-in-the-hay format. Whether you're polyamorous, monogamous, or somewhere in between, this conversation will expand your understanding of what's possible in relationships. In this episode, we discuss: — Alex’s journey to non-monogamy — How polyamory can be a path to self-discovery and personal growth — The value of intentionality in relationships, regardless of structure — How non-monogamy can expand our capacity for joy and connection — Appreciating the day-to-day realities of non-monogamous relationships, even the challenging parts — The beauty and importance of metamour relationships in polyamorous dynamics — The power of storytelling in normalizing and validating non-traditional relationships — The need for diverse representation in polyamory media — Parenting, co-parenting, and navigating the societal pressures of raising a child in a non-monogamous family dynamic — Embracing change and transitions in long-term partnerships Resources mentioned in this episode: — Alex's book, Entwined: Essays on Polyamory and Creating Home — Alex's website — Alex's Instagram and TikTok: @thatalexalberto — The upcoming magazine Entwined Mag Join the global Week of Visibility for Non-monogamy – July 15-21. Visit www.weekofvisibility.com to learn more and get involved! Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at⁠⁠ ⁠www.JoliQuiz.com⁠ Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Read the transcript of this episode here Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

Opening up your relationship does not automatically lead to you getting more of your needs met. Monogamy or not, identifying and communicating your needs, wants, and likes can be really challenging!! It’s also crucial to building fulfilling relationships, which is exactly why we created this episode. Like most aspects of relating, individuating, differentiating, and all the wonderful things we like to talk about on Playing With Fire, identifying and communicating your needs is a skill that you can practice and build. Listen on to learn about: — The difference between needs, wants, and likes in relationships — Why identifying and communicating your needs can be so challenging — The importance of developing a rich vocabulary to describe your experiences and desires — How shame and trauma can impact our ability to express ourselves in relationships — The role of negotiation and consent in getting needs met — Who is responsible for meeting whose needs — Why writing things down can be a powerful tool for self-reflection and communication — The challenges of balancing individual needs with relationship dynamics, especially in non-monogamous contexts — How to identify your own manipulative and people-pleasing tendencies, and why those strategies can be harmful for everyone in the long run Resources mentioned in this episode: — David Cooley's writing and coaching — Dan Shipper's article on developing sensory vocabulary — The "Yes, No, Maybe" list for exploring sexual preferences (kinkier version here) Join the global Week of Visibility for Non-monogamy – July 15-21. Visit www.weekofvisibility.com to learn more and get involved! Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at⁠⁠ ⁠www.JoliQuiz.com⁠ Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

Resentment is one of those emotions that can be truly destructive in relationships. It can turn into contempt, and even acrimony… which is why we want to help you address these feelings early and thoroughly. Whether you're in the middle of a big, longstanding resentment issue, or if you’re just starting to feel a little bit bubble up in your relationship, this mini-episode is a must-listen. This week, we’re breaking down: — The difference between incompatible wants vs. incompatible relationship structures — How entitlement and sexual shame can fuel resentment — The importance of clearly communicating needs and desires to your partner — Why regular relationship check-ins are crucial for preventing resentment buildup — How to create a relationship culture that welcomes difficult conversations — The role of gratitude in counterbalancing resentment — When and how to find a qualified therapist or coach who is a good match for your relationship goals and values — Why compromise doesn't mean compromising your core self Resources mentioned in this episode: —AASECT (American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists): www.aasect.org Join the global Week of Visibility for Non-monogamy – July 15-21. Visit www.weekofvisibility.com to learn more and get involved! Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at⁠⁠ ⁠www.JoliQuiz.com⁠ Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Read the transcript of this episode here Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

Ever been in a relationship where one of you wanted a lot more sex than the other? Us too! It can be challenging to navigate, especially when you throw in stigma, trauma, sexual shame, and all the other obstacles that can make conversations about sex and desire tricky and painful. We have good news: There’s a lot you can do to address these issues! In fact, we find that when we do a little digging with our clients, many of those who struggle with desire discrepancy have barely talked about the issue… at all. This week, we’re unpacking why that is and what you can do about it, and we’re sharing some powerful resources to help you along the way. In this episode, we talk about: — Why conversations about desire discrepancies can be so challenging — Destigmatizing the topic of desire mismatches through open conversation — Why there is no such thing as the “normal” amount or type of sex — The importance of understanding your own desires first — Why even small differences in desire can start to feel like a problem — Why getting really clear and specific about desires and past patterns is the key to improving these conversations — The importance of consent in relationships with desire mismatches — How we often project inner conflicts about sex and pleasure onto our partners — Reimagining relationship norms and structures rather than assuming fixed rules — The complexity and ongoing nature of unpacking unconscious assumptions around sexuality within relationships Resources mentioned in this episode: — Emily Nagoski's books "Come As You Are" and "Come Together" — Emily Nagoski's TED talks and podcast episodes Join the global Week of Visibility for Non-monogamy – July 15-21. Visit www.weekofvisibility.com to learn more and get involved! Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at⁠⁠ ⁠www.JoliQuiz.com⁠ Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Read the transcript of this episode here Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions