Hidden Brain

When things go wrong in our relationships, we often try to change the way our partners behave. But usually, trying to fix a person only makes things worse. Last week, we talked to psychologist James Cordova about why this tendency can be so damaging, and what to do instead. This week, we explore another difficult but effective way to strengthen our relationships. Then, on Your Questions Answered, we bring back researcher Victor Strecher, who studies purpose. Vic spoke with us in June about the death of his daughter, and how it changed his own outlook on purpose. That conversation, which was called "You 2.0: What Is Your Life For?" had a powerful impact on many listeners. We'll hear Vic's responses to their thoughts and questions. What have you learned about changing your partner in the course of your relationship? Have you come up with ways to accept your partner's flaws? If you have questions or comments for James Cordova, and you'd be willing to share with the Hidden Brain audience, please record a short voice memo on your phone and email it to us at ideas@hiddenbrain.org. Use the subject line "acceptance." Thanks! The Hidden Brain tour is continuing, with our next stops just a few days away! Join us in Baltimore on October 11 or Washington, D.C. on October 12 to see Shankar live on stage. We'll also be in Los Angeles on November 22, and more dates in 2026 are coming soon. For more info and tickets, head to hiddenbrain.org/tour. Episode illustration by Paris Bilal for Unsplash+.  Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

In this discussion, psychologist James Cordova explores the nuances of long-term relationships. He reveals how attempts to change a partner can backfire, highlighting the importance of acceptance over conflict. Cordova introduces concepts like the porcupine-turtle dynamic, emphasizing how understanding relationship patterns can foster collaboration. Additionally, behavioral scientist Jan Yachimovich shares insights on sustaining passion through routine and experimentation, illustrating that passion is a practice requiring ongoing attention and curiosity.

In this insightful discussion, Jennifer Tosti-Kharas, a Babson College professor and co-author of "Is Your Work Worth It?" delves into the concept of work as a calling. She highlights how the modern pursuit of meaningful work can enhance job satisfaction but also brings significant downsides, such as burnout and financial sacrifices. Jennifer shares personal experiences transitioning from consulting to academia and compares the pursuit of calling to romantic ideals, urging listeners to find balance in their quest for fulfillment.

In this engaging discussion, psychologist Emily Falk from the University of Pennsylvania dives into the science behind defensiveness and our instinct to resist feedback. She shares insights on how to overcome the mental barriers that hinder self-improvement. Joining her is Keira Green, an expert on memory, who tackles listener queries about forgetfulness and the complexities of aging. Together, they explore how emotions shape our memories and provide practical strategies for managing both defensiveness and memory challenges.

Emily Falk, a psychologist and neuroscientist from the University of Pennsylvania, explores the intriguing battle between intention and action. She discusses why our subconscious often sabotages our goals, from diet choices to spending habits. Falk shares humorous anecdotes about temptations we all face. She delves into the brain's decision-making, revealing how short-term rewards clash with long-term benefits. Additionally, she highlights how social influences shape our self-perception and the struggle for personal change.

Psychologist Thomas Curran and sociologist Alison Pugh dive deep into the complexities of perfectionism. Curran discusses how the drive for perfection can lead to anxiety and depression, especially in youth, challenging the notion that higher standards always equal success. Pugh emphasizes the importance of 'connective labor'—the simple yet profound act of making others feel seen. Together, they unpack the societal pressures stemming from social media, the emotional toll of striving for unattainable ideals, and the pathway towards embracing our imperfections.

In this engaging discussion, George Bonanno, a psychologist and author, sheds light on his groundbreaking research on trauma and resilience. He explores how many people recover from tragedies faster than expected, challenging traditional views on grief. Bonanno critiques the linear model of grief stages, arguing for a more nuanced understanding of emotional responses. He emphasizes the importance of social connections in overcoming adversity and highlights that resilience isn't just about bouncing back but also about embracing growth through struggle.

Mary Helen Immordino-Yang, a psychologist and neuroscientist at USC, discusses the essence of engagement in learning. She dives into why traditional educational settings often lead to apathy and shares her own journey of discovering the power of experiential learning. Immordino-Yang highlights how emotional responses significantly affect our motivation to learn and the transformative impact of connecting personal narratives to broader societal issues. Her insights advocate for a shift in education that prioritizes curiosity, emotional engagement, and meaningful learning experiences.

Laura Carstensen, a psychologist at Stanford University and director of the Stanford Center on Longevity, discusses groundbreaking insights into aging. She explains how our emotional well-being often improves with age, challenging common stereotypes about cognitive decline. Carstensen highlights the shift in perspectives on time, which enhances social relationships and encourages savoring positive experiences. She also addresses the complex interplay between happiness, financial security, and the impact of mortality awareness on life choices, revealing the wisdom that comes with growing older.

In this discussion, psychologist Abigail Marsh, a Georgetown University expert on altruism, delves into why some individuals risk their lives to help strangers. She highlights fascinating stories of selfless acts, such as a stranger saving a driver in distress and kidney donors giving without expectation. Marsh explores the innate human drive for kindness, revealing how extraordinary altruism can emerge even in crises. Listeners are encouraged to foster their own altruistic tendencies, bridging fear and courage into meaningful actions.