Conflict Decoded Podcast

In this episode of Conflict Decoded, I sit down with Denise Padín Collazo. A veteran leader in grassroots organizing. And author of Thriving in the Fight: A Survival Manual for Latinas on the Front Lines of Change. Together, we dive into the heart of what it takes to build a better world without tearing each other down. Denise shares her insights on recognizing habitual responses to stress, setting boundaries, and the transformative power of rest for leaders committed to social justice. We also tackle the often-overlooked role of anti-Blackness in social movements and explore how to approach conflicts constructively so that our energy stays focused on the bigger fight—the systemic issues affecting our communities. Whether you’re a seasoned activist or new to organizing, Denise’s wisdom on thriving, connecting, and leading with compassion offers practical guidance and inspiration for the journey ahead. Show Notes How to Stop Fighting Each Other and Start Fighting the System Podcast Introduction: If the last month has made anything clear to those of us who believe that a better world is possible, it’s that we have our work cut out for us. We have a fight ahead. Yet, a big part of why we’ve yet to achieve our vision of a just world is that we too often confuse fighting each other with fighting the system. To win our collective fight, we must learn to stop seeing each other as the targets and focus our anger on the root causes of systemic issues. This week on Conflict Decoded, I talk with Denise Padín Collazo, who knows this well. Today’s Guest: Denise Padín Collazo Denise Collazo is a veteran leader in building grassroots power in the U.S. For over twenty-five years, she has been a central figure in the nation’s largest organizing network of faith and spiritual communities. In 2021, she wrote the award-winning Thriving in the Fight: A Survival Manual for Latinas on the Front Lines of Change. A love letter to Latina leaders, reminding them (and the rest of the world) of their power and unique role in the fight for social justice. She’s now the inaugural executive director of the Fund to Build Grassroots Power. In our conversation, Denise and I explore how to understand our habitual responses, identify what truly brings us alive, and organize our lives to honor our energy. We discuss dismantling anti-Blackness, parenting teenagers and adults, finding joy in the fight, and much more. Episode Highlights: Our Habitual Responses to Conflict: "My default response to stress or frustration was often anger. It’s like if you can only play middle C on a piano—it’s one note—anger, anger, anger… So how do you let that mask go that served you so well so long ago? What got you to this point is not always going to be the thing that gets you to the next place in your life." What Thriving Looks Like: "Everyone has an image of what thriving looks like. When people describe it, their entire demeanor changes—they get happy, excited, and smile. That's the kind of leadership that we need. We need passionate, energized leadership for this moment and for the moments that will come." Prioritizing Rest & Sleep: "Being hopeful and positive is hard when you're exhausted, sick, or sleep-deprived. A big antidote to burnout and hopelessness is rest and sleep. Our body tells us what it needs, and sometimes we ignore it…" Setting Boundaries & Thinking Creatively About Time: "The most helpful definition of boundaries has come from Prentice Hemphill, who describes a boundary as 'The space between you and me that allows me to love both you and me.' I’ve wrestled with this for years… There are ways we can think more creatively about our time, remembering its value, taking a hard look at what we’re doing, and asking, 'Is this really necessary? Do I need to be in this meeting?'" Resources Mentioned: Connect with Denise: denisecollazo.com | linkedin.com/in/denisecollazo Thriving in the Fight by Denise Collazo Fund to Build Grassroots Power Movement for Black Lives Mijente Ally.com Hear More Episodes & Receive Love Letters to Changemakers! Stay tuned for more episodes exploring compassionate leadership, conflict transformation, and personal growth in social justice. Subscribe to my Love Letters to Changemakers. Every two weeks or so, I share insights and support on your journey to making a bigger impact with ease and joy. I’d love to share them with you!

Our teams arguably offer our biggest lever for social change. And yet, teams are vastly ignored. In our conversation this week, Bennett Bratt, a team coach with over thirty years experience supporting teams, shares his personal mission—reversing the benign neglect of teams. If you find yourself struggling with frustration in your teams or a nagging sense that your team could be better—especially if you lead a team in your workplace or community—I hope you’ll listen in. Our Guest: Bennet Bratt Bennett Bratt is the founder and CEO of Team Elements, a coaching and consulting firm that focuses on helping leaders and teams get to their most insightful conversations as quickly as possible through ownership and participation. With over 30 years of experience, Bennett has helped teams across industries achieve extraordinary results through authentic, impactful conversations. He’s also the author of The Team Discovered: Dialogic Team Coaching, where he shares his approach to team coaching and how this service can help people thrive. Katherine’s Key Takeaway: You and your team are worth the time. For those of us who feel under immense pressure to get shit done, I appreciate Bennett’s reminder to look for the littlest moments of connection. He says: “I think the hardest thing that teams need to do at the beginning is to believe that they're worth taking the time. You're worth taking five minutes at the beginning of a meeting to check in and just see how each other are doing. You’re worth taking ten minutes at the end of a meeting to say—How did this go? When did we do well, and when did it feel off? It's worth taking one day next month to answer a few simple questions. What clarity do we need? How are we meeting the needs of the people outside of this team who rely on us? Do we know each other well enough to actually trust each other to a degree where we can collaborate well? Do we like the vibe here? What could we change? When we take the time to actually ask each other really good, solid, curious questions and listen well, it’s amazing what can get unpacked. Every moment is an opportunity for us to be with somebody, see and hear them, have compassion, put aside judgment, and try to create abundance rather than scarcity.” I invite you to consider this idea that you and your team are worth taking a few extra minutes to connect with each other. Then ask yourself these questions: Is there someone on your team who you need to check in with? Is there someone who you might send a quick text to—letting them know you’re thinking of them, that you hope they feel better, that you’re grateful for their support? How might you add ten minutes of connection to an upcoming meeting to get to know each other better and show each other care? Go send that text, make that call, write that email. It only takes a few minutes, but this time is key for building the relationships we need in order to thrive and be truly effective. We talked about much more than this in our conversation (of course!). So if your team has been benignly neglected and could use some extra care, I hope you will listen in. You’re worth it! Largely inspired by meeting Bennett Bratt months ago, I’ve decided to add team coaching to my toolkit. Team coaching is a process whereby a coach supports a team to transform conflict, strengthen their relationships, make good decisions, stay accountable, achieve their goals, and develop skills they need to continue working effectively together into the future. Instead of just working with a single leader, a team coach supports the entire team to succeed. Click here to learn more: Team Coaching. As part of my training, I'm looking for two more teams who would like to receive a few free team coaching sessions. This is a fantastic opportunity to receive some free support (and counter the benign neglect of your team)! Do you know a team that’s excited about improving how they work together? I'd be grateful if you would share this with friends or colleagues who might benefit. I’d start with a conversation with the team leader and, together, design an engagement that supports the team’s needs. Thank you for considering and passing this along! Show Links: Team Elements Bennett Bratt, LinkedIn Things I Can : Can't Control.jpg

In this episode, I’m joined by Jill Poklemba in an honest conversation inspired by Dr. Yanique Redwood’s White Women Cry & Call Me Angry. We get into the messy and uncomfortable realities of whiteness in social justice spaces—how it shows up in ways white people don’t always notice, and how terms like “progressive” can sometimes do more to mask internalized racism than reveal it. Jill and I explore the ways white women unintentionally use vulnerability as a way to deflect, making it harder to be called out and, ultimately, to become effective accomplices. We also talk about reclaiming real connection, breaking free from old, unhelpful roles like the “Rescuer” or “Victim,” and the deeper work of showing up fully for racial justice. If you’re a white person committed to dismantling racism, I hope this conversation will offer space for reflection, camaraderie, and inspiration. SHOW NOTES Earlier this year, I reached out to Dr. Yanique Redwood, racial justice strategist and author of White Women Cry & Call Me Angry, inviting her to join me on my podcast. Her personal recounting of the dismissals and hurt she experienced from White women in the philanthropy sector moved me, and I wanted my listeners to learn from her. She shared that she’s focused on supporting Black women now but asked if I’d be willing to talk with a White woman about her book—a mini-book club of sorts. I said yes, of course. This week’s episode with Jill Poklemba—development, public policy, and communications specialist with over twenty years in the social change field—emerged from there. If you’re a white person, grappling with how to do your part to dismantle racism, within yourself and in the world, I hope you’ll tune in. In this intimate conversation, we talk about: The trauma of becoming White and being separated (hundreds of years ago) from our indigeneity Why reclaiming relationship with each other is key to healing Why calling ourselves progressive can be a form of gaslighting How white women wield their vulnerability as a weapon to shut down criticism, and how this makes it harder to call us out The Rescue Triangle (Rescuer - Victim - Perpetrator) and how to get untrapped As well as all sorts of steps we can take to dismantle both internalized racism and systems of white supremacy out in the world. I hope you’ll listen. (And buy the book! White Women Cry & Call Me Angry.) And I hope (especially if you’re a white woman!) you’ll stay with me in the struggle. Because as former slave and civil rights leader Frederick Douglass wrote and Dr. Yanique Redwood shares in her book: “Those who profess to favor freedom and yet deprecate agitation are people who want crops without plowing the ground. They want rain without thunder and lightning. They want the ocean without the roar of its mighty waters. The struggle may be a moral one or it may be a physical one, or it may be both moral and physical, but it must be a struggle.” Bios Dr. Yanique Redwood is an author, speaker, racial justice strategist, and facilitator of intimate spaces that center care and connection among Black people and people of color. In August 2023, she self-published her first book White Women Cry and Call Me Angry: A Black Woman’s Memoir on Racism in Philanthropy. She is also the founder of Collective Work, a consultancy devoted to helping organizations answer the question: What liberatory practices can we collectively cultivate so that our strategy is powerfully and authentically executed? She lives in Washington, DC but spends most of her time in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Jill Poklemba has worked in public policy and human services for over 20 years, with the last 15+ years spent working for several different non-profit organizations in New York City, focusing on fundraising and communications. In that time, she has been driven by a focus on dismantling systems of oppression built by the culture of white supremacy that still dominates our society and replacing its core value system of exploitation and colonization with one that centers on healing and love. She also works toward building intersectional relationships with leaders in the field of philanthropy as means of re-directing resources to shift the power structure, lift up communities of color, and replace the culture of white supremacy with a value system that is rooted in a deep love of humanity. Links White Women Cry & Call Me Angry, Dr. Yanique Redwood Decolonizing Wealth, Edgar Villanueva Freedom is a Constant Struggle, Angela Y. Davis Nikole Hannah-Jones, The 1619 Project Liberated Capital Fund Soul Fire Farm Tema Okun - Characteristics of White Supremacy The Book on Fire - Caliban & the Witch Intro Episode

One of the hardest things about being a leader is needing to make choices that will make someone you care about mad, no matter what you do. My guest for this week’s episode of Conflict Decoded, former Amherst, MA, town councilor and mindfulness teacher Dr. Shalini Bahl, knows this dynamic well. As Shalini shares in our conversation, to make wise decisions and move through challenging dynamics in our workplaces and communities, we need practices that help us shift perspective. We need support to help us shift from feeling threatened to facing a place of calm, compassion, and curiosity within. When we develop the ability to recenter ourselves, even when others project angry feelings or comments at us, we can expand our perception and develop more creative solutions to complex challenges. One of the reasons we find ourselves in situations like this is that the predicaments we face nowadays are incredibly complex, with complex roots, requiring complex responses. And yet, the choices we face are often far too simplistic—yes/no, either/or. As the Founder of Know Your Mind LLC, she blends timeless wisdom with insights from neuroscience and psychology to develop evidence-based mindfulness solutions for businesses, educators, and political clients. With over 15 years of experience and a background as an entrepreneur, business professor, and elected municipal leader, Shalini empowers individuals to disrupt default thinking and live with greater choice, purpose, and impact. A Shift in Perspective As Shalini shares in our conversation, to make wise decisions and move through challenging dynamics in our workplaces and communities, we need practices that help us shift perspective. We need support to help us shift from feeling threatened to facing a place of calm, compassion, and curiosity within. When we develop the ability to recenter ourselves, even when others project angry feelings or comments at us, we can expand our perception and develop more creative solutions to complex challenges. Summary In this episode, mindfulness expert Dr. Shalini Bahl explores how mindfulness practices and compassionate leadership can transform conflict resolution and decision-making in both personal and professional life. Drawing from her experience as a town councilor, Shalini shares insights on navigating complex issues like environmental policy through mindful decision-making. She explains the importance of using curiosity and self-compassion to manage conflict and build understanding between opposing perspectives. Shalini highlights how mindfulness meditation helps leaders avoid binary thinking and instead embrace the complexity of problems, fostering more thoughtful and equitable solutions. Listeners will also learn practical techniques to apply self-awareness, emotional intelligence, and compassion in challenging situations. Shalini’s approach emphasizes the integration of mindfulness both on and off the mat, offering listeners actionable tools to cultivate inner calm and clarity in their daily lives. Key Topics: Mindfulness in leadership: How mindfulness guides effective decision-making The role of compassion in leadership and conflict resolution Practical mindfulness exercises for changemakers and leaders Self-compassion practices for recovering from mistakes and maintaining resilience Applying emotional intelligence to navigate difficult decisions How to foster empathy and understanding through curiosity Resources Mentioned: Know Your Mind Training Take Shalini’s free mindfulness assessment to discover your strengths and areas for growth. Explore Shalini’s mindfulness book and app for guided practices on compassion, self-awareness, and equanimity.

With so many interlocking, overwhelming crises in the world today, it can be so hard to find our role. But when we try to do everything all at once or avoid what needs our attention, we can show up in ways that we later regret and burn ourselves out. As long-time activist and Senior Director of Strategic Initiatives at Building Movement Project, Deepa Iyer, discovered through decades of organizing in the South Asian, Muslim, Arab, and Sihk communities, when people focus on their unique roles and capacities, they have a far easier time showing up for change without succumbing to activist burnout. And our movements get stronger. Whether you are newer to activism and longing to find your role that can nourish you for the long-run or you’re more seasoned and trying to find your place in the midst of exhaustion, I think you’ll get a lot out of this conversation. Key Discussion Points: The Social Change Ecosystem Map: Deepa shares the origins of the map, designed to help individuals and organizations play one of ten key roles, including caregivers, storytellers, and builders. This tool helps activists avoid burnout by focusing on their strengths and capacities. Post-9/11 Organizing and Social Movements: Drawing on her experience working in South Asian and Muslim communities post-9/11, Deepa highlights how movements can organically emerge during crises. She emphasizes the importance of sustaining this social change ecosystem beyond moments of acute crisis. Handling Burnout and Conflict in Social Movements: Deepa offers advice on how activists and organizations can navigate burnout and conflict in movement work. She discusses the need for community agreements and how her Social Change Ecosystem Map helps people shift roles to avoid fatigue. Nonprofit Threats and Sustainability: Deepa addresses the increasing threats facing nonprofits, particularly those involved in reproductive rights, LGBTQ+ issues, and Palestinian solidarity. She discusses how nonprofits can build sustainable infrastructures to resist funding cuts and security threats. Hope and Solidarity in Activism: Despite the ongoing challenges, Deepa underscores the importance of finding hope in youth activism, philanthropic support, and solidarity movements. She reminds listeners that hope is a discipline, and it’s essential to focus on small wins that can contribute to long-term change. Episode Highlights: Deepa shares how the Social Change Ecosystem Map helps activists determine their roles in movements, whether as frontline responders, healers, or storytellers. Tips for avoiding burnout in sustainable activism: Deepa advises shifting roles within the ecosystem to maintain energy and passion for the cause. Navigating conflict in social movements: Deepa talks about the importance of community agreements and relationship building to resolve conflicts and create long-term solidarity. Addressing the challenges facing nonprofits today, Deepa discusses how organizations can resist threats and build lasting infrastructures for change. Resources Mentioned: Social Change Ecosystem Map: Learn more about the framework and its ten key roles at SocialChangeMap.com. Books by Deepa Iyer: Social Change Now: A Guide for Reflection and Connection We Too Sing America: South Asian, Arab, Muslim, and Sikh Immigrants Shape Our Multiracial Future We Are the Builders Building Movement Project: Discover research and resources for nonprofits facing threats to their security and sustainability. About Our Guest: As Deepa Iyer discovered through decades of organizing in the South Asian, Muslim, Arab, and Sihk communities, when people focus on their unique roles and capacities, they have a far easier time showing up for change without succumbing to activist burnout. An immigrant who moved to Kentucky from India when she was twelve, Deepa’s primary areas of expertise include post September 11th policies, civil rights, and Asian American/South Asian histories of community building. Currently, she is the Senior Director of Strategic Initiatives at Building Movement Project where she builds projects, resources, and narratives around transformative solidarity practices. She is the author of three books, We Too Sing America: South Asian, Arab, Muslim, and Sikh Immigrants Shape Our Multiracial Future, Social Change Now: A Guide for Reflection and Connection, and We Are The Builders!, a social change book for children. She also hosts a podcast called Solidarity Is This featuring storytellers, disrupters, and builders around the world who are experimenting with solidarity during a time of polarization.

Conflict avoidance isn’t a personality flaw. It’s a survival strategy in the face of manufactured scarcity. Of course, there is abundant potential for leadership, wisdom, and trust. And yet, living in hierarchies, we perceive a scarcity of leadership. With expert-driven learning, we perceive a scarcity of wisdom. With separation culture, we perceive a scarcity of trustworthiness. When we don’t trust that we'll be cared for, of course, we act in self-preservation rather than collaboration. Of course, we avoid talking about our disagreements and differences. And yet, as Beth Tener shares in my most recent episode of Conflict Decoded, to address the dire social and environmental challenges we face, we must reweave our collaborative kinship networks and trust in our teams. In this episode, she offers practical guidance to teach us how. In this week’s episode of Conflict Decoded, Beth Tener talks about how the rigidity and stuckness we often experience in our relationships arise from a deeply-rooted sense of fear and insecurity. Stemming from dominant culture’s pervasive individualism and the breakdown of kinship bonds. Conflict avoidance isn’t a personality flaw. It’s a survival strategy in the face of manufactured scarcity. When we don’t trust that we'll be cared for, of course, we act in self-preservation rather than collaboration. Of course, we avoid talking about our disagreements and differences. And yet, as Beth shares, to address our dire social and environmental challenges, we must reweave our collaborative networks and rebuild deep friendships. The breakdown of relationships gave rise to most of our current problems, so to repair the world, we must also repair our network of relationships. Key Topics Discussed: 1. Navigating Rigidity & Systemic Stuckness Beth shares how modern systems can become rigid and stuck due to fear, trauma, and scarcity mindsets. She offers strategies to help organizations embrace flexibility and navigate complexity through collaborative problem-solving. 2. Collaborative Leadership & Co-creation Beth explains the shift from individualism to collaborative networks, emphasizing that real change happens through collective efforts. She highlights the importance of designing systems that foster trust and connection within teams and organizations. 3. Building Trust & Social Connectivity in Teams Trust is the foundation of effective team collaboration. Beth discusses the need to build kinship networks and create environments where deep relationships thrive, enabling teams to be more resilient and creative in the face of challenges. 5. Transforming Conflict Through Open Dialogue Beth offers practical tips for conflict resolution by normalizing open conversations and creating spaces where difficult topics can be addressed safely. She explains how conflict avoidance often stems from trauma and highlights the importance of handling conflict with compassion and intentionality. 6. Designing for Connection in Meetings & Gatherings Beth shares her insights on designing meetings that foster human connection rather than just being transactional. By focusing on relational aspects, organizations can create more meaningful and productive interactions that build collaborative leadership. 7. Managing Polarities in Leadership In this episode, Beth introduces the concept of polarity management—the balance between rigidity and responsiveness. She explains how navigating these polarities can help teams depersonalize conflict and embrace both structure and flexibility when necessary. 8. Prioritizing Time Together for Team Success Beth underscores the value of investing time in building relationships through retreats and extended team gatherings. She encourages organizations to create spaces that allow for deep collaboration, which leads to long-term success. 9. Kinship Networks & Community Building Drawing from indigenous practices, Beth highlights the importance of kinship networks and community building. These networks provide emotional support, foster resilience, and are essential in helping individuals and teams navigate through organizational challenges. About Beth Tener: Beth Tener is the founder of Kinship Hub, a platform dedicated to amplifying the power of community through collaborative leadership and trust-building. She is also the host of the "Living Love" podcast, which explores themes such as belonging, social change, and community building. Beth offers consulting, facilitation, and training for organizations looking to enhance team collaboration and build stronger, more connected structures. Resources Mentioned: Kinship Hub Living Love Podcast Sea Change Conference (focused on arts, healing, and social change) New Directions Collaborative (consulting for organizational change)

When we get into a disagreement, we often see the other person as the problem. But so often, our conflicts are rooted in systemic factors in our organizations and society, like pay structures and decision-making processes. To create equitable workplaces and communities where peoples’ needs are met, we must stop butting heads against each other and zoom out to see the changes needed in our larger organization and communities. With nearly twenty years helping leaders design equitable organizations, and author of Equity: How to Design Organizations Where Everyone Thrives, my guest today, Minal Bopaiah, is an expert in zooming out. We discuss rules of thumb for facilitating communication in hybrid workplaces, when to leave an organization that’s not treating you well, and the qualities leaders need to have in order to effectively build truly equitable and conflict competence organizations. So often, when we get into a disagreement with another person, be it a colleague, supervisor, staff member, someone in our community, or another person, we can immediately resort to blaming the other person, seeing them as the problem that needs to be solved. But so often, our conflicts are rooted in systemic factors in our organizations and society, like the structures for communication, pay, input, and decision-making power. If we are to create truly equitable workplaces and communities where peoples’ needs are well met, we must stop butting heads against each other, zoom out, and look at the changes that are needed in our larger organization and communities. Podcast Guest: My guest today, Minal Bopaiah, is an expert in zooming out. The founder of Brevity & Wit, she’s a strategic consultant with nearly twenty years helping leaders design equitable organizations, including at NPR, Sesame Workshop, and Doctors Without Borders. Her areas of expertise include human-centered design, behavior change psychology, and the principles of inclusion, diversity, equity, and accessibility (IDEA) as they relate to media, marketing, communications and organizational design. Her first book Equity: How to Design Organizations Where Everyone Thrives was hailed as “a succinct jewel” by Nobel Peace Prize Laureate Jody Williams and won the 2022 Terry McAdam Book Award. Key Points: In this insightful episode, Minal Bopaiah, founder of Brevity & Wit and author of Equity: How to Design Organizations Where Everyone Thrives, shares her expertise on embedding Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion (DEI) into organizational structures. Minal discusses the importance of creating equitable organizations by focusing on systemic equity, rather than merely addressing interpersonal conflicts. She explains how organizational design must integrate DEI to ensure long-term success. Minal highlights the distinction between inclusive culture and equity, explaining that while inclusion creates a sense of belonging, equity ensures that systems and structures offer equal access to opportunities. She delves into leadership development, explaining how leaders need "system sight" to recognize how organizational systems influence opportunity and behavior. Conflict resolution is another key focus, with Minal emphasizing the need for synchronous communication (phone or video) to address conflicts rather than relying on asynchronous communication methods like email or Slack, which can lead to misunderstandings. She also discusses the importance of setting boundaries to maintain emotional health in DEI work. The episode also explores power dynamics in organizations, where Minal shares strategies for using power ethically and influencing leadership to foster workplace equity. Additionally, Minal explains how perspective gathering, rather than assumption-based perspective taking, is critical for making decisions that genuinely reflect the needs of marginalized groups. Key Takeaways: Conflict is inevitable in diverse workplaces, but can be managed effectively through synchronous conflict resolution. Leaders must have a systemic approach to equity, using system sight to understand how systems impact opportunity and equity. Boundaries and emotional stamina are vital for both leadership and employees in the DEI space. Understanding power dynamics and using ethical leadership practices fosters innovation through diversity and creates a healthier work environment. Resources Mentioned: Brevity & Wit Brevity & Wit’s Partnership Model & five core values Equity: How to Design Organizations Where Everyone Thrives by Minal Bopaiah Needs List, by Katherine Golub Judy Diamond: Diamond Power Index & Power: A User’s Manual The Complexity of Equity in Remote Work, Minal Bopaiah Paige Robnett’s DEI Change Agent Program Global Diversity Equity & Inclusion Benchmarks: Standards for Organizations Around the World Quote from Rev. Jennifer Bailey: Social change moves at the speed of relationships, and relationships move at the speed of trust. Keywords: Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion (DEI), equitable organizations, leadership development, systemic equity, inclusive culture, conflict resolution, organizational design, power dynamics in organizations, synchronous communication, perspective gathering, ethical leadership, system sight, workplace equity, innovation through diversity, boundaries in organizations, trauma in organizations.

Sarah Peyton is a neuroscience educator, Nonviolent Communication trainer, and, as a good friend of mine calls her, “brain whisperer.” Her live events, online courses, and bestselling books have transformed my coaching work and have helped my clients and me unstuck from many limiting personal and interpersonal patterns. We talk about the neuroscience of blame, guilt, shame, rage, and demonization, the difference between left-hemisphere and right-hemispheric thinking and why it matters for resolving conflict, and how to heal our brains and our relationships with empathy guesses. Sarah’s work has changed my life and my client’s lives, and I hope you enjoy this conversation as much as I did. Key Topics Discussed: 1. Transformational Power of Nonviolent Communication (NVC): Sarah shares her personal journey into NVC, including how it helped her overcome emotional barriers with her adopted son. She explains how empathy guesses—linking emotions and needs—can create powerful relational shifts and foster deeper understanding. 2. Empathy in Conflict Resolution: Sarah elaborates on how empathy guesses differ from strategic communication. She highlights how focusing on feelings and needs can resolve conflict more effectively, especially in social justice and movement spaces. 3. Relational vs. Instrumental Brain: We delve into the neurobiology of empathy, examining how the left hemisphere is task-oriented, while the right hemisphere supports relational thinking. Sarah explains how high-stakes situations push us into the instrumental brain, reducing our ability to empathize and connect deeply. 4. Joyful Activism & Releasing Unconscious Contracts: Sarah introduces the concept of “unconscious contracts,” promises we make in childhood to "save the world" at any cost. She encourages joyful activism, where we work from a place of joy and passion rather than burnout and sacrifice, leading to more effective social change. 5. Neurobiology of Demonization in Conflict: Sarah explains the neurobiology of demonization, where our brain's reward system fuels the tendency to other and blame people in conflict. By shifting focus to what we love—like justice and equity—we can channel rage into constructive, healing actions. 6. Healing Trauma with Resonance: Sarah describes the process of healing trauma through resonant language and relational neuroscience. She explains how resonance allows the brain to process trauma and transform it into life experience, helping individuals move beyond their pain. 7. Practical Self-Compassion Tools: For those feeling isolated or lacking support, Sarah offers a practice called “self-warmth,” encouraging listeners to start with one breath of self-compassion, building a foundation of emotional resilience through small moments of self-awareness. Recommended Resources: Books by Sarah Peyton: Your Resonant Self: Guided Meditations and Exercises to Engage Your Brain's Capacity for Healing Your Resonant Self Workbook: From Self-sabotage to Self-Care The Anti-Racist Heart (co-written with Roxy Manning) Other Resources on Nonviolent Communication (NVC): How to Have Anti-Racist Conversations by Roxy Manning Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg Connect with Sarah Peyton: Visit sarahpeyton.com for free guided meditations, courses, and resources on healing through empathy, relational neuroscience, and self-compassion.

Hello and welcome to Conflict Decoded, where we explore the hidden dynamics that keep us stuck in conflict in our workplaces and communities and share practical guidance to help us break free. My name is Katherine Golub. I’m a coach, mediator, city councilor, activist, mother, and the founder of the Center for Callings & Courage. I live on the ancestral lands of the Pocumtuck people, recently known as Greenfield, Massachusetts. In this first episode, I want to share with you what called me to create this podcast and what you can expect from it. Why I Decided to Create this Podcast About twelve years ago, I launched my professional coaching practice with the aim of helping social changemakers prevent burnout by taking better care of themselves. However, I quickly realized that my clients were coming to me already burned out and longing to get clear about what was next in their work lives. And so, career clarity coaching with changemakers became my focus. Although I used to believe that burnout came from working too much, doing this work now for over a decade, I’ve realized that even more people burn out due to conflict and challenging interpersonal dynamics. I also discovered that by helping my clients transform workplace conflict along with other patterns that gave rise to their burnout, about half of my clients end up falling back in love with their work and deciding to stay. While I’ve been able to help hundreds of clients realign their lives with what matters most to them and, in many cases, transform their workplace conflicts, it nevertheless hurts my heart to watch so many unaddressed conflicts, fractured relationships, and ineffective interpersonal dynamics bring committed people down and derail even the most promising efforts toward change. So, after over a decade of supporting my coaching clients to heal burnout, I’ve decided to focus my work on helping changemakers transform conflict in their workplaces and communities—the root cause of so much burnout—and learn to collaborate well, even in the face of great difference and complexity. I created this podcast to learn from some of the most brilliant minds I know on the forefront of conflict transformation and to share these conversations with you. This podcast is for you if you — Work hard to do your part to bring forth a better world, in your unique way and your corner of the world. Feel drained, disheartened, frustrated, baffled at why humans can’t just get along, uncertain about how to resolve things, and worried about what might happen if you don’t figure it out. Conflict or disagreement or just a lack of effective collaboration are thwarting your efforts toward change in your workplace or community. You want to understand what’s really going on with people, regain a sense of clarity and confidence, and develop skills and structures to help you collaborate well. Value love, liberation, learning, friendship, and wholeness and long for more of each of these in your life and in the world. Here’s what I know to be true— Conflict is a crucible—an alchemical space where different elements interact to create something new. Whether we like it or not, conflict will transform us. In situations with an abundance of difference, complexity, trauma, and strong opinions—which all of us who are working toward a better world face every day— conflict is inevitable. What’s not inevitable, is how we respond to conflict. Without the right skills or support, conflict can drain our energy, undermine our efforts, burn us out, and put an end to our most promising efforts toward change. With the right support, skills, structures, and strategies, conflict can be an opportunity to see things we haven’t seen before, strengthen our relationships, and create the changes we long for. What emerges from conflict can be horrendous, or it can be amazing. When we approach conflict as an opportunity to understand ourselves and each other better, heal personal and collective trauma, let go of what no longer serves us, and develop generative ways of working together, conflict can help us grow personal and collective power and multiply our chances for making the impacts life calls us to make with more joy and ease. If we are committed to bringing forth a world rooted in love and liberation, we can’t ignore the work of learning to engage conflict well. I believe this may be our most important work. So, what to expect. I’ll be honest with you, I’ve discovered that a podcast is a big undertaking. And so, the pace with which I release each episode may fluctuate. At the beginning, I plan to release one episode a week, but that may change with time. Likewise, as I learn what’s needed to make a great podcast and what I need to make this sustainable, the format may also change a bit. In the first few months, I plan to release a lot of interviews with some of the people I respect the most when it comes to conflict transformation. I’m so excited to share with you their practical wisdom about making change at the individual, interpersonal, organizations, community, and societal levels. And, I will likely occasionally create shorter episodes with just me sharing a key practice or principle. And, you’ll hear me learning alongside you. Because even after so many years of working on myself and supporting my clients to transform conflict, I’m not immune to the hurt or confusion that can arise when things go off with other people. I’ve learned that the way to clarity and connection is much more about asking questions than it is about finding answers. And, finally, in every episode, I aim to explore the hidden dynamics that keep so many people stuck in conflict in our workplaces and communities and how we can break free. I hope very much that you’ll continue to tune in.

Have you ever heard a self-help teacher or friend say the words—Don’t should yourself…? As if should were a nasty word? If so, what do you think about this phrase? For a long time, I’d hear people admonishing themselves for saying the word should, and it would rub me the wrong way, but I didn’t quite know why. Then I discovered that the English word should comes from the same root as the Dutch and German word schuld, which means both guilt and debt. According to YourDailyGerman.com: “(For) some two thousand years, Schuld was simply about a sort of obligation that you had toward someone. Like…bringing the smith a boar because he fixed your ax or giving the chieftain a barrel of ale because he won the last drinking competition.” As a white person with multiple proximities to systemic power living on stolen land, I believe that I have a schuld— a debt rooted in unearned privilege, an obligation to pay reparations and to work to dismantle imperialism and white supremacy, the systems that give rise to my privilege. I believe there are some things I really should do. And yet, many people also use the word should to judge themselves into complying with dominant culture’s expectations, and this sense of obligation to the status quo does not serve most of us well. The inherent tension in the word should points to the deeper tension that most of us who care deeply about social justice and collective wellbeing grapple with— How do we simultaneously hold our obligations to the collective and our obligations to ourselves? If we show up for others and not for ourselves, we risk slipping into saviordom, which can perpetuate top-down dynamics, rob people on the margins of systemic power of their agency, and burn us out. On the other hand, if we only show up for ourselves but not for others, we abdicate our responsibility to the collective, and our complacency perpetuates injustice and collective dis-ease. And so, I believe we have a responsibility to learn to navigate the both-and, dancing between the polarity of self-care and collective-care over our days, weeks, and lifetimes. But because dominant culture does not train us to hold the both-and well and instead, teaches us to view the world as opposing binaries—good guys or bad guys, us or them, right or wrong—it can feel uncomfortable and challenging to hold the tension of conflicting values and realities. And so, most of us have a tendency to cling to one side of a polarity at the detriment of the whole. This either-or approach to life leads many people to all-or-nothing behavior—either working 24/7 or indulging in Netflix, either doing a daily self-care practice or none at all. And yet, the fact is that when we look closely, we can see that all of life expresses itself in polarities—apparent opposites that need each other to form a whole—night/day, birth/death, cold/hot, soft/hard, chaos/order, knowing/not knowing, yes/no, yin/yang, global/local, nature/nurture, receiving/giving, holding space for pain/holding space for joy, this is a nightmarish time / this is an extraordinary time. To bring forth the word that we long for, we must learn to perceive, honor, and skillfully navigate the polarities inherent in our work and in all of life. It is true that those of us who are committed to showing up on the front-lines of life and liberation are unlikely to find any perfect balance or to escape the tensions inherent in the conflicting realities we face. And yet, we humans do have the inherent potential to cultivate the capacity to hold the tensions in ways that make us proud. We can learn to show up for social change and take good care of ourselves, give and receive, say yes and say no, act and rest, be effective and have fun. Like all of creation, we are designed to honor the full expression of life living through us. For instance, one of my core values is solidarity, and this value often demands long hours of me. And yet, I also value spaciousness. Sometimes, my value of solidarity asks me to go campaign mode and fill my days trying to get an ordinance passed, a budget priority funded, or a candidate elected. Other times, my value of spaciousness directs me to say no to requests that the Activist or Hard-Worker in me wishes I could say yes to. It can sometimes feel impossible to honor both solidarity and spaciousness at the same time, but with lots of practice, I’ve come to a place in my life in which I feel good about how I honor them both over the course of my weeks and months. From now on, I challenge you to notice when either-or thinking pops up in your mind—when you hear yourself asking “Is it this or that?” or negating reality with the tiny yet insidious word “but”— and to get curious about how you might hold the both-and and honor multiple seemingly contradictory values, not necessarily in one single moment, but over the course of your week, month, and lifetime. Polarity Squares If you feel torn between two apparently conflicting values, priorities, or realities, I want to offer you a practice called Polarity Squares, which I first encountered from my Presence-Based Coaching teachers, who themselves learned it from Barry Johnson, author of Polarity Management. In this practice we choose a polarity to work with and create a four-quadrant grid. We label the two columns of the grid with words that represent each side of a polarity (for example, the left column for self-care and the right column for collective-care or the left column for giving and right column for receiving). We label the top row—What I love about this side—and the bottom row—What I fear about this side. Then, we fill in each quadrant, writing down what we love and fear about each side of the polarity. By bringing awareness to what we love and fear about two sides of any given polarity, we cultivate the ability to notice our habitual pulls and tendencies and to hold each side without fleeing to the apparent comfort of the other. For example, a client of mine who was recently promoted to a managerial role felt torn between showing up in ways that would help her staff like her and ways that earned her respect. She named her polarities “Being Boss” and “Being Part of the Team”. Her polarity square looked like this: Being the Boss                                                     Being Part of the Team What I love about this side: Respect, Efficiency, Effectiveness, Get the job done, Order, Teamwork, Collaboration, Clarity, Less Stress, My boss’s respect me too, Trust, Clean, People listen, Prevent conflict   What I love about this side: Everyone gets along, people collaborate, people like me, Good team energy, People might be more self-motivated, People might have more creative ideas, Avoid conflict, Feels easier, Belonging, Maybe more fun, People listen too  What I fear about this side: Being unnecessarily bossy, going too far, being like a dictator or tyrannical, being mean, pushing people around, creating conflict, people not liking me, creating too rigid boundaries, people not listening to me or really respecting me What I fear about this side: Being a pushover, No one listens to or respects me, Nothing gets done, Messy, Feeling uncertain, I end up doing all the work, I can’t trust people to do their work, creating conflict because things are unclear, People crossing the lines, Stressed often   Filling out the polarity square helped my client acknowledge what her inner Boss and her inner Team Member longed for, and this awareness helped her to show up in ways that were both kind and assertive, collaborative and decisive. Your turn! I invite you to take the following steps to create a polarity square now: 1. Do your best to name the two sides of a polarity you’re grappling with. Try to find the essential quality or underlying need that each side represents. Although it can be potent to choose words that are pure opposites, I’ve found that’s unnecessary. Just choose two needs that you find yourself torn between. You can look at this Needs List for help finding words that resonate. Choose words that feel non-judgmental. 2. Label the left and right columns of the square below with the names of each side of the polarity. You can also create a polarity square with tape on the floor that is big enough for you to stand in the different quadrants. This helps some people access a felt sense of each quadrant. Pole A:                                                           Pole B: L O V E F E A R   3. Sense into one quadrant at a time, and write down everything that comes up in that quadrant. If thoughts about another quadrant arise, go to the corresponding quadrant and write them down there. You might also open the online thesaurus, wordhippo.com, and look up words that resonate. 4. Then shift to the next quadrant that draws your attention. Write down everything that comes up for you there. If you have an easier time with some quadrants than with others (as many people do), this can be a sign of trauma, stories, or habits that have led you to habitually cling to one side of the polarity or the other. Play with stretching yourself to spend time in the uncomfortable quadrant and notice what feelings, thoughts, and insights arise there. Keep asking What else? in each quadrant until you feel complete. When you’re complete, ask yourself: What do I know now about each side of this polarity? Allow the polarity square to percolate in the pot on the backburner of your mind for the next several days, and jot down any new insights that arise. For now, I am wishing you the freedom and satisfaction of being able to dance in the both-and and offer yourself and your community the care you both deserve.