This week I’m talking about how to deal with the other woman in your ex or soon-to-be ex's life. The woman he cheated on you with, or the one he met after you...you know, the one he’s introducing to your kids…? You have a lot of feelings about this, most of which are perfectly valid, but are you acting on those feelings in the right way? What are the boundaries here? What’s a reasonable request for you to make about all of this?  And how exactly are you supposed to feel about this woman?? In today's episode, I’m going to share why compassion is so important — compassion for yourself, for your children, and yes, even for her.  If you're a mom, it's part of your job to expand your capacity to be with uncomfortable, painful, and conflicting feelings, especially ones you never fucking wanted to have ever at all. Learn how to process them in appropriate ways so you can show up in this new paradigm in the best and healthiest way possible for your kids. Here are just a few of the topics I touch on in this episode: Why name-calling, blaming, and shaming aren't the way to go How to practice compassion towards the other woman Dealing with and appreciating the other woman in your child's life 1:1 Coaching with Kate The Ultimate Divorce Survival Guide Should I Stay or Should I Go Facebook Group

Not all therapists are good. Not all therapists have the advanced training necessary to help you as an individual or as a couple. Not all therapists have your best interests in mind.  If you are contemplating divorce, want to work on past trauma, or work on your relationship, you need a good therapist to guide you. So, how do you find a good therapist? That’s the topic of this week’s episode.  If you’re a member of my Facebook group, then Katie’s name is probably familiar to you. She’s a member of the group, is an incredible asset and I am so grateful to have her voice there, as well as in this podcast episode.  “Going into therapy with the wrong person is not going to help you,” says Katie. My loves, this is so true. But choosing the right one most certainly will.   Show Highlights The many layers of how to go about picking a therapist (6:08) Tips for researching your therapist options including how to research finding a good couples therapist (16:29) EFT: Emotionally Focused Therapy takes the understanding of attachment theory and applies it to how we come together and fall apart in our relationships (18:02) Everybody has dysfunction and we all can choose to (or not to) deal with it. The more we put work into healing our attachment injuries the more value we are going to get from our relationships (21:30) Schema therapy - what it is and how it helps change your relational behavioral patterns (19:46) In looking for a couple’s therapist, you should be looking for someone who has experience in several advanced therapies (27:00) Who should NOT be in couple’s therapy:  active abuse or addiction by someone who is not willing to address and work through it (27:55) When therapists act in dual roles (individually and as a couple’s therapist) (28:09) Trust your gut! If you don’t feel like a therapist is the right fit for you, they’re probably not. (33:36) Trauma bonds: the theory of trauma bonding and  how they can lead you to repeat old abusive habits (38:15) Learn More About Katie: Katie Thompson LPC, CEDS is a psychotherapist in private practice in St. Louis, Missouri. Katie specializes in treating eating disorders, anxiety disorders, PTSD and complex trauma and has a special interest in treating binge eating disorder.  She is skilled in implementing DBT, CBT, IFS, ERP, EMDR, EFT and group therapy. Katie is trained in EMDR, Exposure, and Response Prevention (ERP) and has earned her certification in Internal Family Systems, Level 2. In private practice, Katie balances individual, family, couples and group therapy with supervising provisionally licensed therapists. Katie is also a current member and the past Board President of the Missouri Eating Disorders Association (MOEDA) Board of Directors and is a past member of the Binge Eating Disorder Association (BEDA) board of directors. Katie can be seen in local media appearances and lecturing regionally and nationally in her areas of specialty.   Katie is married and has a daughter, a bonus daughter, and a bonus son.  She has been a part of her blended family since 2011 and is familiar with the complexities that come with living in a blended family as a spouse, bio parent and step-parent.  Katie specializes in clinical intervention within blended family systems in her specific areas of expertise.   Resources & Links:Katie’s websiteKatie on Facebook The Gottman Institute  The Seven  Principles Making Marriage Work  Trauma Bond Experts: Patrick Carnes Dr. Christine CourtoisPeter Levine Understanding Attachment Styles Trauma Bonds The Ultimate Divorce Survival GuideShould I Stay or Should I Go Facebook Group   Today's sponsors: LOLA Feminine care products you can trust, delivered to your door.  Made by women, for women. Use code “dsg” at checkout for 30% off your first order! When you choose LOLA, you’re making a lasting impact on women’s reproductive health. We partner with leading nonprofits, donate millions of period products, and spark meaningful conversations. THRIVE CAUSEMETICS Conscious beauty, 100% vegan + cruelty free Use code “dsg” at checkout for 15% off! Your purchase directly impacts the lives of women, animals and communities around the world. Join our movement by purchasing today + share why you love giving back on social using #thrivecausemetics.

This week I wanted to expand on a topic I discussed in my Facebook group and on an Instagram IGTV video. It’s around the topic of forgiveness entitlement. In this episode, I also talk about addiction or abuse, and why you can’t force someone to get help.  So, your spouse says they’re doing the work and they seem to be doing all the right things. But you still can’t trust them and they don't understand why.  You wonder, “What’s wrong with me?” There is NOTHING wrong with you. You’ve been betrayed and hurt, and you’re not healed yet.  If your spouse is telling you that you need to get over it already, here’s what I want to say to you: the only person who gets to say when they’re ready to move forward is the person who has been the victim of the offending act — in this case, you. When someone says they’re doing all the work, remember that actions speak louder than words. And if they are truly doing the work, they’re opening the door so that you can be okay, so you can heal and eventually, you can forgive. But, know this: Nobody is entitled to your forgiveness.  Tune in to hear why this is so important for your healing, your journey, and your relationships (now or in the future).   Here are just a few of the topics I touch on in this episode: The only time you should forgive someone. Emotional abusers or active addicts know exactly what they are doing. YOU are the person who needs to understand the truth of what’s going on.  The importance of not controlling the situation and allowing him or her to find their process to recovery.

This week we are talking all about sexuality and intimacy after divorce. My guest is Leslie Morgan Steiner, a New York Times best-selling author, columnist for The Washington Post, speaker on work/family balance, successful corporate executive – and domestic violence survivor.  Two truths can co-exist. You can be relieved your soon-to-be ex is moving out and grief-stricken at the same time. You can be happy and sad, at the same. This is part of the complexity of human emotions. There’s nothing wrong with you for experiencing a wide range of them. There is nothing wrong with you.  Nobody knows this better than Leslie. Leslie’s memoir, Crazy Love, is an account of her violently abusive first marriage. It's about this kind of complexity, how we can deeply love and deeply fear one person at the same time. Her latest memoir, The Naked Truth, explores these dualities as well as she writes about female sexuality, self-esteem, and dating after 50.   Show Highlights The power of sisterhood and how women are always an inspiration to other women (3:18) Coming out of a marriage desexualized and losing touch with your sexuality (6:00) Perfection has nothing to do with sexuality (12:00) Getting to a point where you can enjoy and love sex (15:00) The stigma and shame around having sex after divorce if the divorce has not been finalized (22:38) Women who are vulnerable to abusers, how to break the cycle; and Leslie shares her story of domestic abuse (28:14) Why learning how to trust yourself again rather than trusting others is paramount following an abusive relationship (33:23) Leslie drops this truth bomb: “I can’t look for a man to heal me.” (38:00) Men struggle with intimacy just as much as women do (39:00) Leslie shares her thoughts on coaxing a man to fall in love with you (42:00) The myth of Prince Charming is destructive to women and unfair to men too (49:09) Learn More About Leslie: Leslie Morgan Steiner is the author of four nonfiction books: the New York Times bestselling memoir Crazy Love; the critically acclaimed anthology Mommy Wars: Stay-at-Home and Career Moms Face Off on Their Choices, Their Lives, Their Families; The Baby Chase: How Surrogacy is Transforming the American Family; and her latest memoir, The Naked Truth, which explores female sexuality, self-esteem and dating after 50.  From 2006-2008 she wrote over 500 columns for the Washington Post’s popular on-line work/family column, “On Balance.” She currently writes the Two Cents on Modern Motherhood column for ModernMom.com and MommyTracked.com. Her writing has appeared in Glamour, Psychology Today, Redbook, The Washington Post, the New York Times and other publications.    Steiner holds a BA in English from Harvard College. Her first job was writing and editing for Seventeen Magazine. After graduating from Wharton in 1992 with an MBA in Marketing, she launched Splenda Brand Sweetener internationally for Johnson & Johnson. She returned to her hometown of Washington, DC in 2001 to become General Manager of the 1.1 million-circulation Washington Post Magazine, a position she held for five years.  Steiner is a regular guest on The Today Show, National Public Radio, ABC, NBC, CBS, and cable news networks. She has appeared in Newsweek, BusinessWeek, Elle, Parents, Self, Vogue, Vanity Fair, The Los Angeles Times, and CNN.com.  She is a frequent speaker and consultant on the subjects of marketing to moms and ending family violence. Her 2012 TEDTalk about domestic violence has been viewed by over five million people, and in 2014 she completed her second TEDTalk exploring the ethics of global surrogacy.   She serves as a board member for the One Love Foundation, in honor of slain University of Virginia senior Yeardley Love.  Leslie Morgan Steiner lives in Washington, DC, New York, and New Hampshire.  Resources & Links:Leslie’s website Leslie on FacebookLeslie on InstagramLeslie on YouTubeLeslie on LinkedInLeslie on Twitter Trauma Bonds: How to recognize them, break them, and co-parent through themThe Ultimate Divorce Survival GuideShould I Stay or Should I Go Facebook Group

I asked a friend who is going through a divorce what I should talk about on this week’s episode. He said I should talk about cravings.  And he offered what he meant by saying this, “Given the shit happening in the world, we turn to safety, fantasy, and imagination to numb our true selves and we give up the authentic fight.” How beautiful is that? There is so much happening in the world right now.  And my friend is right, we numb out as a way to escape. We numb with food, drinking, or shopping. When it comes to relationships, we numb out by fantasizing about other people; hoping they are the cure for a troubled marriage. Turning to other people, places, or things will not lead you to true fulfilment. Doing so simply covers up the pain, momentarily.  Succumbing to cravings is giving up the authentic fight.  What happens if you just sit still with all of the shit that is happening in your life; what if you gazed into all of your own holes and examined them for what they are? What if?  What might be possible for your relationship, for your marriage, or most importantly, for you? That’s what I am talking about this week on the podcast. I hope you tune in.  Here are just a few of the topics I touch on in this episode: Why a marriage is not responsible for fulfilling you 100% Discernment work is so complex, but necessary The importance of recognizing your own ‘made-up’ stories and changing the narrative The Ultimate Divorce Survival GuideShould I Stay or Should I Go Facebook Group

Wouldn’t you just love the superpower of letting go? If so, you’re in luck! Jill Sherer Murray is a TEDx speaker and influencer, author, blogger, coach, and founder of Let Go For It®, a lifestyle brand dedicated to helping individuals let go for a better life. Jill is my guest on the podcast this week and she’s going to share all about harnessing the power of letting go. Yes, letting go can feel risky and downright scary. And, letting go is a challenge.  Especially when you’re contemplating divorce or going through divorce.  Jill said something pretty powerful during our time together, “If you figure out how to let go, you can find your way out of or to anything.” So today she’s going to share some ways that you can begin to move forward in your life.  Afterall, this is your one wild and precious life. If you’re waiting for someone to give you permission to live it, you’re not gonna get it. You have to take permission to live it yourself. This includes permission to let go, permission to immerse yourself in self-love, and permission to live your life as you see fit.   Show Highlights How ending a 12-year relationship was eye-opening and transformational for Jill (6:15) What letting go truly is and the importance of acknowledging what you need to let go of before you can take action (14:36) We talk about a simple yet powerful exercise which walks you through the process of letting go (26:41) Why letting go is real freedom and how the act of self-love empowers us to act boldly (29:37) Where women struggle most when it comes self-love and letting go (36:33) When we don’t do the work, we are agreeing to let other people to decide what we have and what we don’t have (44:51) Let go of being so hard on yourself, let go of other people’s expectations, and let go of being afraid of what you truly want (50:03) Learn More About Jill: Jill Sherer Murray is a TEDx speaker and influencer, author, blogger, coach, and founder of Let Go For It®, a lifestyle brand dedicated to helping individuals let go for a better life. She is also an award-winning journalist and communications leader who can trace practically every success she’s had in her career, love life, and more to letting go.   Her TEDx talk, “The Unstoppable Power of Letting Go” has been viewed by almost two million people – and grows by the thousands each day. Her book, which comes out in May and is available for pre-order on Amazon and Indiebound, is called Big Wild Love: The Unstoppable Power of Letting Go. She wrote it in response to the countless numbers of viewers who’ve reached out to her for help and inspiration after seeing her TEDx talk.   Jill spent a year studying improvisation comedy at the famous Second City Training Center in Chicago. And another five years writing a popular blog called “Diary of a Writer in Mid-Life Crisis” for www.wildriverreview.com. She also let go of just about everything to put her weight in Shape Magazine—12 times—as part of a year-long assignment to document her weight loss journey for millions of readers.  Resources & Links:Jill’s websiteJill on FacebookJill on InstagramJill on LinkedIn The Unstoppable Power of Letting Go TEDx A Special Gift from Jill: If you’re struggling like I was in a relationship, not sure whether to hold on or let go, take comfort in knowing that the truth inside you knows the answer. And I have something to help you crack that truth. It’s a simple exercise you can do in just 11 minutes. Get it here: https://bit.ly/31Z9G1UThe Ultimate Divorce Survival GuideShould I Stay or Should I Go Facebook Group

Recently in my Facebook Group for women deciding if they should stay or go in their marriage, I asked the members to share their most burning questions about divorce. And I received an overwhelming response. The topics ranged from, “How can I leave my marriage if I have no emotional support and can’t support myself financially?” to “What do I do if I don’t have the courage to leave him?”  And, every single topic or question had an underlying theme, all relating to doing work on yourself first.  When you are making a decision to leave your marriage, you're making a decision of great love for yourself and for your children. That power needs to carry you through to the other side.  When you do the self-work, you can come from a place of neutrality, process your emotions, and grieve what needs grieving. You can work hard to bring yourself to a place of calm, peace, and lack of blame or resentment so you can make difficult choices. Without focusing on self-work first, the choices you have to make will be much harder (and trust me, they are hard enough as it is). In this episode I go over some of the topics the women in my Facebook group mentioned (btw, join us!). Plus, I share how you can become deeply rooted in your own sense of power.  Here are just a few of the topics I touch on in this episode: Getting rooted into your deepest power and grounded in your confidence How to start fresh on your own when you’ve never been on your own before Knowing you are worthy and you are enough ROOTED LIVE is coming!  If you think you might want out of your marriage, but you can’t seem to find the courage to make a decision once and for all, and you’re scared you won’t have the strength to get through all that comes after you say those four words,"I want a divorce,” then ROOTED is 100% for you. ROOTED is my online coaching program which I will be taking LIVE in February.  It’s designed to help you FIND YOUR STRENGTH, BUILD YOUR CONFIDENCE, AND STEP INTO YOUR POWER. Learn more here.

This week I welcome Jennifer Butler to the Divorce Survival Guide podcast. Jennifer Butler, MSW, is a certified Calling in “The One” coach, certified health coach, writer, and podcast host dedicated to helping people fall deeply in love with themselves and awaken to their own internal power to create joy, love, and freedom in their lives. In fact, Jennifer recently interviewed me for the podcast she hosts for Worthy, Divorce and Other Things You Can Handle. Let’s talk about showing up and being a victim for a moment. When it comes to divorce, it doesn’t matter how much of a ‘victim’ of your circumstances you are, you still have a personal responsibility to show up in the world with grace and dignity. The work that Jennifer and I talk about in this episode will help you to stand in and reflect on your own truth.  When you show up in your life in a different way and when you allow yourself to dream about what is possible; you will begin to learn how to believe in your ability to create it.   Show Highlights This week I welcome Jennifer Butler to the Divorce Survival Guide podcast. Jennifer Butler, MSW, is a certified Calling in “The One” coach, certified health coach, writer, and podcast host dedicated to helping people fall deeply in love with themselves and awaken to their own internal power to create joy, love, and freedom in their lives. In fact, Jennifer recently interviewed me for the podcast she hosts for Worthy, Divorce and Other Things You Can Handle. Let’s talk about showing up and being a victim for a moment. When it comes to divorce, it doesn’t matter how much of a ‘victim’ of your circumstances you are, you still have a personal responsibility to show up in the world with grace and dignity. The work that Jennifer and I talk about in this episode will help you to stand in and reflect on your own truth.  When you show up in your life in a different way and when you allow yourself to dream about what is possible; you will begin to learn how to believe in your ability to create it.   Show Highlights What Calling In “The One” is all about (4:16) One big shift that’s really important is to move from needing a connection from a wounded place to wanting to share a connection from a place of abundance within yourself (8:11) The 7 week process to attract the love of your life; including letting go of any blocks standing in your way of harnessing your internal power (9:00) The stories we show up with in our lives that are holding us back (11:06) Some common misconceptions around doing the work; plus learning to fall in love with the process of discovering (20:04) The labels and toxic ties we make that carry weight and keep us from moving forward, like labeling someone as the love of your life; plus how to navigate away from a label (26:00) Build on and nurture our deeper truths by learning new ways of showing up; like learning to be vulnerable and asking for help (30:00) Healing the disappointed dream, setting bold intentions, and creating a vision for your future (34:00) Learn More About Jennifer:Jennifer Butler, MSW is a certified Calling in “The One” coach, certified health coach, writer, and podcast host dedicated to helping people fall deeply in love with themselves and awaken to their own internal power to create joy, love, and freedom in their lives. Beyond an extensive education, Jennifer has also gone through a very powerful transformation, overcoming obstacles and challenges in her own life that greatly inform and influence her work. As a love and relationship coach, Jennifer teaches clients to identify and transform internal obstacles and expand their capacity to love and be loved so they can create the happy and healthy relationships they deeply desire. As a writer, Jennifer provides an honest and authentic account of her own life experiences with the intention of inspiring others. Her work can be found on JennJoyCoaching, Worthy, ESME, LiveThroughTheHeart, DivorceForce, and Instagram. Jennifer can also be found hosting the very popular Worthy Podcast, “Divorce and Other Things You Can Handle.” Resources & Links: Jenn’s website Jenn on Instagram Jenn on Facebook Jenn on LinkedIn The Worthy Podcast Calling in “The One” ROOTED LIVE is coming!  If you think you might want out of your marriage, but you can’t seem to find the courage to make a decision once and for all, and you’re scared you won’t have the strength to get through all that comes after you say those four words,"I want a divorce,” then ROOTED is 100% for you. ROOTED is my online coaching program which I will be taking a small group through LIVE in February. It’s designed to help you FIND YOUR STRENGTH, BUILD YOUR CONFIDENCE, AND STEP INTO YOUR POWER. Learn more here. The Ultimate Divorce Survival Guide TODAY’S EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY LOLA. Feminine care products you can trust, delivered to your door. Made by women, for women. Use code “dsg” at checkout for 30% off your first order!

A few weeks ago, I posted in my Facebook group that I was going to write a flip book called, Not Your Fucking Job. And it was going to be a very simple book about all the things that are not your fucking job to do for your spouse or partner. You know, things like: Helping him heal his childhood wounds?NOT YOUR FUCKING JOB. Teaching him how to be a good parent?NOT YOUR FUCKING JOB. Proving your worth or proving your love to him?NOT YOUR FUCKING JOB.Or keeping him from cheating on you?NOT YOUR FUCKING JOB. You get the idea.  Well, in this week’s episode I am going to go through about 8-10 scenarios of things that are not your fucking job and explain why you need to stop carrying allll of the weight in your relationship.   After you listen to this episode; if you realize you are doing these things, understand you are doing them out of some need to control.  So what IS your job: to uncover why you’re doing these things and then work to fix it, for you — not for him or for anyone else, for you. Only in this way will you have a chance at healing your marriage, or having an amicable divorce. Here are just a few of the topics I touch on in this episode: Why it’s not your job to heal your partner’s childhood wounds  Allowing your partner to make mistakes and clean up his (or her) own messes A reminder that it is not your job to beg him to love you or treat you well Why it’s not your job to lose weight, gain weight, dye your hair or get a boob job in order to feel as though you are enough for someone. Only do these things if you WANT to, for you!  What IS your job in your relationship DO YOU LOVE THIS PODCAST EPISODE? DO YOU WANT THIS MESSAGE TATTOOED ON YOUR FOREHEAD, OR PLAYED IN YOUR SLEEP? YOU’RE NOT ALONE! That’s why I partnered with Chocolate and Steel to create a gorgeous “Not Your Fucking Job” bracelet for you to wear as a constant reminder! Buy yours here!! Fed Up, Gemma HartleyCo-Dependent No More, Meldoy Beattie DSG Episode: NOW...he wants to go to therapy?

They say that January is “Divorce Month.” As the new year rolls in, you may be ready to finally make some changes. And if you are, you’re far from alone. This is because of the number of women who hit the ropes following the holiday is enormous. In fact, that was me, on Christmas Eve, eleven years ago. If you believe your impending divorce is going to involve a high-conflict co-parenting situation, this week’s episode is going to shine a light on some important issues for you. My guest, Megan Hunter, is an expert on high-conflict disputes, complicated relationships and Borderline Personality Disorder. She is co-founder of the High Conflict Institute along with author and speaker, Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq., who developed the high-conflict personality theory. She is also the author of The High-Conflict Co-Parenting Survival Guide.  In this episode we explore how to maneuver in a high-conflict divorce. We discuss understanding the high-conflict personality, their motivation, and how to protect yourself. Megan also shares insight and wisdom about how to survive co-parenting with a high-conflict personality. She also offers a great reminder: take care of yourself first, get therapy, work with a coach (hi, that’s me!), and focus on getting your head straight. Then, focus on the rest.  Show Highlights High-conflict divorce and disputes on the rise (4:45) Gender stereotypes and high-conflict behaviors (9:02) The four traits of a high-conflict personality (11:44) Understanding the motivations of a high-conflict personality (15:25) Conflating acceptance with continuing to be victimized; it’s NOT your job to fix your spouse! (21:52) How to survive a high-conflict co-parenting situation (25:45) Some other co-parenting relationship techniques, including using the BIFF technique (47:26) How getting unhooked from emotions can be helpful (and what that means) (52:02) Learn More About Megan: Megan Hunter, MBA, is an expert on high-conflict disputes, complicated relationships and Borderline Personality Disorder. She is co-founder of the High Conflict Institute along with author and speaker, Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq. who developed the high-conflict personality theory. Megan developed the concept of the Institute after 13 years in family law as the Family Law Specialist with the Arizona Supreme Court, and Child Support Manager of the Dawes County Attorney’s Office in Nebraska. She is CEO of Unhooked Media, a U.S.-based media company and is the author of THE HIGH-CONFLICT CO-PARENTING SURVIVAL GUIDE (2019), DATING RADAR™ (2017) and BAIT AND SWITCH.  Resources & Links:Megan’s websiteMegan on FacebookMegan on LinkedInMegan on TwitterMegan on YouTubeThe High Conflict Co-Parenting Survival Guide ROOTED LIVE is coming!  If you think you might want out of your marriage, but you can’t seem to find the courage to make a decision once and for all, and you’re scared you won’t have the strength to get through all that comes after you say those four words,"I want a divorce,” then ROOTED is 100% for you. ROOTED is my online coaching program which I will be taking LIVE in February.  It’s designed to help you FIND YOUR STRENGTH, BUILD YOUR CONFIDENCE, AND STEP INTO YOUR POWER. Learn more here.The Ultimate Divorce Survival GuideShould I Stay or Should I Go Facebook Group