The Divorce Survival Guide Podcast

This week I am re-airing a listener favorite episode - Not Your F*cking Job. Want equal partnership? Let's start with not taking on impossible tasks -- and then being blamed for not being able to accomplish them. Listen to this episode for more! A few weeks ago, I posted in my Facebook group that I was going to write a flipbook called, Not Your Fucking Job. And it was going to be a very simple book about all the things that are not your fucking job to do for your spouse or partner. You know, things like: Helping him heal his childhood wounds?NOT YOUR FUCKING JOB. Teaching him how to be a good parent?NOT YOUR FUCKING JOB. Proving your worth or proving your love to him?NOT YOUR FUCKING JOB.Or keeping him from cheating on you?NOT YOUR FUCKING JOB. You get the idea. Well, in this week's episode I am going to go through about 8-10 scenarios of things that are not your fucking job and explain why you need to stop carrying allll of the weight in your relationship. After you listen to this episode; if you realize you are doing these things, understand you are doing them out of some need to control. So what IS your job: to uncover why you're doing these things and then work to fix it, for you — not for him or for anyone else, for you. Only in this way will you have a chance at healing your marriage, or having an amicable divorce. Here are just a few of the topics I touch on in this episode: Why it's not your job to heal your partner's childhood wounds Allowing your partner to make mistakes and clean up his (or her) own messes A reminder that it is not your job to beg him to love you or treat you well Why it's not your job to lose weight, gain weight, dye your hair or get a boob job in order to feel as though you are enough for someone. Only do these things if you WANT to, for you! What IS your job in your relationship Resources & Links: ROOTED LIVE is coming! If you think you might want out of your marriage, but you can't seem to find the courage to make a decision once and for all, and you're scared you won't have the strength to get through all that comes after you say those four words, "I want a divorce," then ROOTED is 100% for you. ROOTED is my online coaching program which I will be taking LIVE in February. It's designed to help you FIND YOUR STRENGTH, BUILD YOUR CONFIDENCE, AND STEP INTO YOUR POWER. Learn more here. Fed Up, Gemma HartleyCo-Dependent No More, Meldoy Beattie DSG Episode: NOW...he wants to go to therapy?

This week I am re-airing a listener's favorite episode, The Power of Letting Go with Jill Sherer Murray. The episode aired right before the COVID-19 pandemic began. Since it feels like an entire year has passed since February, I thought I'd revisit some of my most popular episodes from early 2020. I'll be back with new episodes in November! Wouldn't you just love the superpower of letting go? If so, you're in luck! Jill Sherer Murray is a TEDx speaker and influencer, author, blogger, coach, and founder of Let Go For It®, a lifestyle brand dedicated to helping individuals let go for a better life. Jill is my guest on the podcast this week and she's going to share all about harnessing the power of letting go. Yes, letting go can feel risky and downright scary. And, letting go is a challenge. Especially when you're contemplating divorce or going through divorce. Jill said something pretty powerful during our time together, "If you figure out how to let go, you can find your way out of or to anything." So today she's going to share some ways that you can begin to move forward in your life. After all, this is your one wild and precious life. If you're waiting for someone to give you permission to live it, you're not gonna get it. You have to take permission to live it yourself. This includes permission to let go, permission to immerse yourself in self-love, and permission to live your life as you see fit. Show Highlights How ending a 12-year relationship was eye-opening and transformational for Jill (6:15) What letting go truly is and the importance of acknowledging what you need to let go of before you can take action (14:36) We talk about a simple yet powerful exercise which walks you through the process of letting go (26:41) Why letting go is real freedom and how the act of self-love empowers us to act boldly (29:37) Where women struggle most when it comes self-love and letting go (36:33) When we don't do the work, we are agreeing to let other people to decide what we have and what we don't have (44:51) Let go of being so hard on yourself, let go of other people's expectations, and let go of being afraid of what you truly want (50:03) Learn More About Jill: Jill Sherer Murray is a TEDx speaker and influencer, author, blogger, coach, and founder of Let Go For It®, a lifestyle brand dedicated to helping individuals let go for a better life. She is also an award-winning journalist and communications leader who can trace practically every success she's had in her career, love life, and more to letting go. Her TEDx talk, "The Unstoppable Power of Letting Go" has been viewed by almost two million people – and grows by the thousands each day. Her book, which comes out in May and is available for pre-order on Amazon and Indiebound, is called Big Wild Love: The Unstoppable Power of Letting Go. She wrote it in response to the countless numbers of viewers who've reached out to her for help and inspiration after seeing her TEDx talk. Jill spent a year studying improvisation comedy at the famous Second City Training Center in Chicago. And another five years writing a popular blog called "Diary of a Writer in Mid-Life Crisis" for www.wildriverreview.com. She also let go of just about everything to put her weight in Shape Magazine—12 times—as part of a year-long assignment to document her weight loss journey for millions of readers. Resources & Links: Jill's website Jill on Facebook Jill on Instagram Jill on LinkedIn The Unstoppable Power of Letting Go TEDx A Special Gift from Jill: If you're struggling like I was in a relationship, not sure whether to hold on or let go, take comfort in knowing that the truth inside you knows the answer. And I have something to help you crack that truth. It's a simple exercise you can do in just 11 minutes. Get it here: https://bit.ly/31Z9G1U The Ultimate Divorce Survival Guide

This week we are talking about all things step-parenting. Tracy Poizner, the founder of the Essential Stepmom Podcast, joins me to explore this topic. Tracy and I discuss becoming a step-mom, how to prepare yourself if your ex-husband introduces a stepmother into your child's life, and how to create an environment for your children to feel safe and loved within their newly formed blended family. Show Highlights It can take up to seven years to settle into being a step-parent. (3:11) Some advice for women preparing to become a step-mom. (5:30) How to blend house rules between bio children and step-children. (15:05) So, there's a new woman in your ex's life: Tracy talks about how to prepare for this new situation of sharing your children with another woman. (26:03) Recognize this is a place of growth for you, love is not a finite thing - your children will never have less love for you because they have a step-mom in their life. (30:47) We discuss family constellation therapy and the orders of love. (32:00) Learn More About Tracy Poizner: Tracy is the host of the weekly Essential Stepmom podcast, heard in 54 countries worldwide where she offers unconventional advice and inspiration for The Womanly Art of Raising Someone Else's Kids. Having been a stepmom for 14 years and an alternative healthcare professional for over 20 years, she has a special perspective on emotional healing and how to meet our own personal needs as stepmoms in the everyday chaos of this challenging lifestyle. Tracy's blog is available at her website, essentialstepmom.com. Resources & Links: Tracy's website Tracy on Facebook Tracy's Private Facebook Group Tracy on Instagram Download Tracy's 3 Secrets of Successful Stepmoms Kate Anthony on Instagram The Ultimate Divorce Survival Guide Should I Stay or Should I Go Facebook Group

Jessica Frew is the co-host of the podcast Husband In Law. Along with her husband and ex-husband, they share their stories of love, marriage, coming out, infidelity, divorce, and co-parenting. Jessica and her ex-husband were married for just over a year when he came to terms with the fact he was gay. They then remained married for another seven years. In this episode, Jessica shares her extremely unique and openly loving story of divorce. Show Highlights Jessica's unique and wonderful experience with divorce and co-parenting. (2:19) The boundaries shift with almost any co-parenting relationship. (4:32) Why it's important to not compare your divorce with another. (6:15) Understanding your partner's issues are not about you. (9:07) How has being an active member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has affected Jessica and her co-parenting relationship with her husband. (11:54) There is more freedom in personal responsibility. (23:36) Navigating religious culture in the face of divorce. (29:02) Learn More About Jessica Frew My ex-husband (Steve) and I were married for just over a year when he came to terms with the fact he was gay. We stayed married for another 7 years. We were happily married but there was a side of Steve that he needed to explore and be authentic to. When we divorced, we discussed how we wanted our divorce to look for ourselves and for our daughter. We have been able to stick to that plan. I have been remarried now for 6 years and have 2 step kids. My husband (Matt) and Steve get along as well. We do birthdays, family dinners, holidays, and vacations together. They even take our girls out on double dates. It is such a blessing. Matt's ex-wife does not like us, despite our efforts to have a good relationship with her. We have learned to set firm boundaries in order to protect ourselves and our children. I have learned so much about what it really means to be a stepmom. I have learned to let go of control to not take offense when mud is slung my way. It is a hard roll to find your place in because it is one you never expect to hold. Together my husband, ex-husband, and I are sharing our stories of love, marriage, coming out, infidelity, divorce, and co-parenting in our Podcast Husband in Law. We are doing this to help individuals view themselves and others in a new light so that they can see not only their own self-worth but also the worth of others. We are changing how people view themselves and others to create more understanding and stronger relationships. Resources & Links: Connect with Jessica Jessica on Instagram Podcast Husband in Law Jessica on Facebook The Ultimate Divorce Survival Guide Should I Stay or Should I Go Facebook Group

When it comes to divorce and alcohol abuse, weaponizing the disease of alcoholism is the worst thing you can do — not only for the individual being accused but also for your children. Today, Chris Beck, VP of Soberlink, joins me for a discussion about how Soberlink is empowering co-parenting relationships and keeping families together — even after divorce. In this conversation, Chris and I take a deep dive into the alcohol monitoring system Soberlink and learn how it is used as an empowerment tool that helps build trust between divorcing parents. Soberlink allows you to have peace of mind that your children are safe while with your ex, while keeping communication lines open as well. Show Highlights How the testing system works, and when to use it. (3:00) Why random testing may not be ideal in a custodial environment (6:00) What happens if there is a positive test during parenting time. (8:42) Soberlink is not a punitive or oppressive tool, it is a unifying tool. (10:00) Reducing the stigma of alcohol use. (13:25) How the results are tracked and how Soberlink works within the family law court system. (17:37) COVID-19 and how it's affecting cases involving alcohol abuse. (23:06) Learn More About Chris Beck:Chris Beck is the VP of Business Development for Soberlink Healthcare. Chris's primary responsibilities include working with Family Law Judges, Attorneys, and Health Care Professionals across the country to educate them on Soberlink's modern approach to alcohol monitoring for Child Custody Cases. He has led over 25, 1-hour educational presentations and continues to find new opportunities to raise awareness around alcohol monitoring and child safety. Resources & Links: Soberlink Soberlink on Facebook Soberlink on LinkedIn Soberlink on YouTube Soberlink on Instagram Soberlink on Twitter The Ultimate Divorce Survival Guide Should I Stay or Should I Go Facebook Group

We do ceremonies for many of life's transitions - baby showers, weddings, and more. When one is faced with divorce, creating a ceremony isn't something most consider doing. However, a divorce ceremony can help you emotionally and spiritually, and create an intention of how you want it all to go. And that is the topic of this week's episode. The Ceremonialist, Georgia Wall, joins me to discuss what the divorce ceremony process could look like and how ceremonies are a reverent and intentional act that brings us closer to our innermost sense of knowing, always with the aim of honoring our own humanity as well as the humanity of all people. We also discuss the various ways in which you can create a ceremony for yourself and work to cut the chords of the divorce process. I invite you to listen to this episode with an open heart and receive the possibilities of this spiritual wellness work. Show Highlights How Georgia came to this work and what kind of ceremonies she helps to create. (6:43) Ceremonies for internal shifts, including acknowledging the painful parts of life and figuring out where you want to be. (7:50) Being intentional about what you are stepping into or stepping away from. (11:24) The various stages of divorce and the ceremonies that you can create - like one for finding clarity and one for the actual divorce. (19:53) The ceremony creation process and some of the deep insights uncovered. (20:22) When you name something (your divorce, your realization that you should go, or decision to stay) with intention, helps you to see all the places where your various thoughts and feelings exist. (33:12) Spiritual practices help you to set an intention. (37:47) Learn More About Georgia Wall: Georgia Wall is an artist, educator, and Ceremonialist based in New York City. She offers personalized ceremonies to individuals, groups & communities. Rather than adhering to a specific practice or lineage, Georgia "seeks to uncover the specific inner ceremony that an individual or a group carries within them -- the ceremony that is necessary and arising for the given moment, born from lived experience." She considers her practice of ceremony a process of co-creation with the people she works with. Georgia has created ceremonies to acknowledge and honor everything from births to deaths, to the more intimate rights of passage, like the end of a romantic relationship or a decision to have an abortion. Georgia describes a ceremony as "a reverent and intentional act that brings us closer to our innermost sense of knowing, always with the aim of honoring our own humanity as well as the humanity of all people" Resources & Links:Georgia's website The Ultimate Divorce Survival GuideShould I Stay or Should I Go Facebook Group

My guest this week, Carrie Casden, has a really interesting approach to talking about money. In this episode, we are talking all about our relationship to money in the face of divorce. Carrie Casden is a business manager and financial coach. She coaches clients toward financial wellness and how to make smart fiscal decisions. There's often a variety of emotions that come up when talking about or dealing with money. If you don't work on the feelings now, it's going to be much harder to stay on a budget during divorce. Carrie helps us understand what it means to unpack our money stories. She helps us get to the heart of money issues and empowers us to make financial decisions for our future. In fact, our conversation can be summed up as one about empowering women to take responsibility and control of their own financial security, stability, and futures. Show Highlights How to unpack and understand your relationship with money. (7:22) The difference between a conscious and subconscious relationship with money. (7:56) There's always sort of an emotion attached to money. (10:56) Money archetypes and why understanding your pattern will help you make money choices more wisely. (11:48) Money behaviors, and why we feel like it's an underutilized portion of friendship. (39:06) How to figure out which money archetype you are. (47:26) Learn More About Carrie Casden: Carrie Casden is a business manager and certified money coach at Summit Financial Management in West Los Angeles. She coaches clients across the United States towards financial wellness and helps them understand their conscious and subconscious relationship with money. She works with clients going through divorce and guides them through the sometimes overwhelming financial steps involved with ending one chapter and creating a new and more meaningful one. Resources & Links: Carrie on Instagram The Ultimate Divorce Survival Guide Should I Stay or Should I Go Facebook Group

A huge realization for many women going through divorce is around the emotional abuse they've suffered in their marriage. In my program, we have an entire module dedicated to uncovering and understanding this, part of which is hosted by my guest today, Rhian Lockard. Invariably, as women dive more deeply into the work of uncovering emotional abuse, they are struck with the question, "Wait, am I the abuser?" This week, my friend and colleague Rhian Lockard returns to the podcast to help answer that very question. (Spoiler: if you're asking the question, you're not the abuser.) Rhian is a multi-certified life coach who specializes in supporting her clients out of toxic relationships with themselves and others. In this episode, Rhian helps us to understand the difference between being the abuser and being someone backed into a corner trying to save themselves from a very real threat. Show Highlights If you are asking the question, "Am I the abuser?", you're not the abuser. (3:56) Someone who is emotionally abusive is seeking control from a relationship and not love or connection. (5:55) The fatal trait of a narcissist is that they want love but refuse to do the self-work. (16:02) Because you are not the abuser does not mean you don't have toxic qualities. (18:03) How and why we start to behave in alignment with how our relationship is set up. (31:43) How do you get out of a toxic relationship? (35:39) Why you should go to therapy yourself, first. (41:48) How women can take back their innate sense of knowing. (48:14) Learn More About Rhian Lockhard: Rhian Lockard is a multi-certified life coach who specializes in supporting her clients out of toxic relationships with themselves and others. Resources & Links:Rhian's websites: Rhianlockard.com and Moonstonewitchery.com Rhian on Facebook Rhian's previous appearance on The Divorce Survival Guide Rhian's YouTube Video - Am I the Abuser? Look for Rhian's podcast - What Is Love? - on your favorite podcast streaming app! The Ultimate Divorce Survival Guide Should I Stay or Should I Go Facebook Group

This week on the podcast, we're talking about dating after divorce with Bela Gandhi. Bela has been called The Fairy Godmother of Dating by Steve Harvey, Harry Connick Jr. and The Huffington Post — so basically, she's magic. Bela is the founder of The Smart Dating Academy in Chicago, and has been helping people find lifelong love for over a decade. When I first got divorced, I could not wait to start dating!! Unfortunately, I wasn't focused on dating for fun and experience. Instead, I was on a quest for my next husband! Needless to say, that did not go very well for me. #stillsingle When I look back at my dating experience post separation and divorce, I can say without hesitation that it was the biggest lesson in learning who I am in relationships. If you're thinking about what dating after divorce will look like for you or about to start dating again, I encourage you to look at dating as an interesting and introspective process. And to listen to whatever Bela tells you to do — that's what I'm doing now! #projectfindkateahusband Show Highlights How to know when you're ready to date and why making sure you are as healed as you can be following your divorce is so important. (7:47) If you haven't worked on yourself first, you'll run into the same relationship over and over again. (11:59) The difference between what happened in your past relationships and what you made up. (16:16) What has happened to the dating world because of COVID-19. (20:41) What are some of today's rules of engagement for women coming out of marriages? (26:16) Some of the red flags of dating. (29:28) Dating with attention and awareness. (42:16) Smart Dating Academy: How Bela and her team work with clients. (46:09) Learn More About Bela Gandhi:Bela Gandhi is a dating/relationship expert, founder of Smart Dating Academy and a weekly media correspondent. She is a relationship expert and has been featured on most national/local media outlets. After she graduated (with dual degrees in Finance and German from the University of Illinois in Urbana/Champaign), Gandhi worked in mergers and acquisitions for Arthur Andersen in Chicago for a year before joining her family's chemical and manufacturing company (CCC) as the, where she divided her time between Chicago and Europe helping to expand the business. When the Gandhi family sold its business to Akzo Nobel, she was asked to remain its leader, and became Akzo Nobel Non-Stick Coating's Global Vice President of Housewares. But even as she quickly climbed the corporate ladder, Gandhi had a feeling that her career would one day be taking a sharp turn in a different direction – because she discovered her love of matchmaking and providing dating advice. She launched her Smart Dating Academy in 2009. Smart Dating Academy has quickly become one of the nation's top date coaching firms - and teaches busy, successful professionals to jump start their dating lives successfully. Smart Dating Academy is described by its clients "like going to Harvard Business School, but for dating and relationships". SDA's coaches become personal trainers for their clients' love lives. The SDA coaching program is results-oriented and fun - which helps you to clarify who is right for you, stop old dating patterns, and use technology the RIGHT way. You become positive and enthusiastic about dating / relationships again! Its clients receive personalized dating plans, and essential training in how to meet high caliber singles, personal style, conversation, and online success. Resources & Links:Bela on Instagram Bela on FacebookBela on Twitter Visit Bela's website and grab your copy of 7 Clues You're Dating A Narcissist The Ultimate Divorce Survival GuideShould I Stay or Should I Go Facebook Group

Getting sober is a vulnerable process, but as this week's guest's book suggests, there is surprising magic in getting sober. Laura McKowen, author of We Are the Luckiest is here to talk about her journey to sobriety, getting comfortable with the uncomfortable, and making it through to the other side. I've been on my own sobriety journey, and I'm still kind of early in the process. In this episode, you'll hear how my story is completely different from Laura's, yet the feelings are so similar. If you're not sober, if you're not struggling to get sober, or if you have no intention of ever getting sober, this episode (and Laura's book) is still a great resource! The wisdom Laura shares during our conversation are applicable to every facet of life. Show Highlights Laura shares openly about getting divorced in the midst of her sobriety journey. (4:53) Learning how to be in a relationship with someone without alcohol. (10:45) Why people-pleasing is a form of dishonesty and some of the other insidious ways that we're not honest with ourselves and those around us. (16:38) The pregnancy principle: what it is and why it matters. (39:45) In order for something new to grow there have to be boundaries. (23:36) How to let go of perfectionism. (40:01) Learn More About Laura McKowen: Laura McKowen is the author of We Are the Luckiest. She is a former public relations executive who has become recognized as a fresh voice in the recovery movement. Beloved for her soulful and irreverent writing, she now leads sold-out yoga-based retreats and courses that teach people how to say yes to a bigger life. She hosted the iTunes Top 100 podcast HOME, with over 1.5 million downloads. and has been featured on the TODAY show, in the Guardian, New York Times, Web MD, and more. Resources & Links: Laura's website Laura on Facebook Laura on Instagram Laura on Twitter Laura on Pinterest The Ultimate Divorce Survival Guide Should I Stay or Should I Go Facebook Group