Last week we talked about mediation with Susan Guthrie. This week, as we continue Legal Month on the pod, we’re exploring the concept of Collaborative Divorce with Andrea Vacca. Andrea Vacca is the owner of Vacca Family Law Group, a law firm in Manhattan that focuses exclusively on non-adversarial divorce and family law matters.   Andrea describes Collaborative Divorce as a team approach to divorce. And it is a legal process. The process includes creating a roadmap for your divorce and specifically details the jobs for each member of the team, including: How you will be working together The need for transparency and honesty How the process will come to an end When you’re getting divorced, you’re looking to the adults in the room to help you through it. Many times, the adults are litigators who are committed to an adversarial process. When that’s the case, they may not be looking for what’s best for you or your family. And here’s the thing: just because your marriage is ending, your family can remain intact. It may look different, but it doesn’t have to be fraught with anxiety, or animosity.  Collaborative Divorce offers a way to bring respect to the divorce process and work with professionals who model the behavior you wish to express. In the end, everyone’s going to be better off; you, your spouse, and most importantly, your children.  Show Highlights Collaborative Divorce - what the hell is it? (7:37) The difference between mediation and Collaborative Divorce (10:25) How Andrea came to work in Collaborative Divorce (11:00) Collaborative colleagues offer a different mindset to divorce (21:00) How to know whether you should meditate or do Collaborative Divorce (15:26) Andrea shares the story of her parents’ divorce and how it affected her family (30:04) How to start a conversation about Collaborative Divorce with your spouse (40:00) What is positive psychology and how it plays into Andrea’s work as a Collaborative professional (43:16) Collaborative Divorce can help high-conflict couples through the divorce process (48:00) Learn More About Andrea Vacca:Andrea Vacca is the owner of Vacca Family Law Group, a law firm in Manhattan that focuses exclusively on non-adversarial divorce and family law matters.   After practicing traditional, litigation-focused family law for many years, Andrea’s firm now works only with clients who want to keep their divorces out of court and want their prenuptial and postnuptial agreements negotiated in a non-adversarial manner.   Andrea regularly lectures, writes and blogs on the topics of collaborative law, mediation, and topics related to non-adversarial family law. In addition to having a B.A. and J.D, Andrea also has a Certificate in Positive Psychology and regularly applies what she has learned to help her clients navigate their divorces, including having a growth mindset, being resilient and encouraging mindfulness. Andrea is the author of the recently published ebook Divorce Without Court: A More Peaceful Solution and is a co-author of the book, Onward & Upward: A Guide For Getting Through New York Divorce & Family Law Issues.  Resources & Links:Andrea’s websiteAndrea on LinkedInAndrea on FacebookAndrea on Instagram Andrea on YouTubeAndrea’s BlogSign up for Andrea’s ebook, “Divorce Without Court” and my monthly newsletter  The Ultimate Divorce Survival GuideShould I Stay or Should I Go Facebook Group  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

April is legal month on The Divorce Survival Guide podcast. Today, one of my favorite people on the planet returns to the show. Susan Guthrie joins me to talk about mediation and divorce. Susan is a nationally recognized Top Family Law and Mediation Attorney, and has been helping individuals and families navigate separation and divorce for 30 years. When it comes to your impending divorce, if you have children, you and your spouse are going to be tethered to each other for the rest of your lives. Litigation is often the default choice for divorce, and with it comes animosity, anger, and bitterness. What do you want your future to look and feel like? You can be bitter and angry, but who gets stuck in the middle? Your children. Mediation allows for you and your soon-to-be-ex to choose to work together to restructure your family or relationship going forward. You have an opportunity to share information, identify the issues you need to discuss, and get help from your mediator. Mediation offers you the opportunity to advocate for you and your family, and sets the foundation for a lifetime of collaboration. Show Highlights Susan explains exactly what mediation is and why it works well for many families (9:24) We discuss some myths and benefits of mediation (13:00) In mediation, the only people making decisions are you and your spouse (17:00) What to do when your spouse doesn’t want to consider mediation, including knowing what motivates your spouse and why mediation suits their motivating factors (28:00) Susan’s online mediation process and how it works (36:00) Mediation can be used for high-conflict divorce cases too, such as domestic violence cases (42:00) Learn More About Susan Guthrie:Susan Guthrie, nationally recognized as one of the Top Family Law and Mediation Attorneys in the country, has been helping individuals and families navigate separation and divorce for 30 years. Susan has a fully online practice and provides online divorce mediation and legal coaching services to select clients around the world. As a leading dispute resolution professional, Susan is honored to serve on the Executive Council of the American Bar Association’s (ABA) Section of Dispute Resolution as the Membership Officer and to be a Co-Chair of the Section’s Mediation Committee. Susan is also one of the leading experts in online mediation in the country and trains other professionals in the practical and ethical considerations of conducting their mediations online through her business Learn to Mediate Online (www.learntomediateonline.com) Susan is the creator and host of the iTunes top podcast, The Divorce & Beyond Podcast (www.divorceandbeyondpod.com) and recently launched The Learn to Mediate Online Podcast (www.learntomediateonline.podbean.com) for online mediation and dispute resolution professionals.Resources & Links:Divorce in a Better WayThe Divorce and Beyond PodcastThe Learn to Mediate Online PodcastSusan on The Divorce Survival Guide PodcastSusan on InstagramSusan on Facebook Susan on TwitterSusan on YouTubeThe Ultimate Divorce Survival GuideShould I Stay or Should I Go Facebook Group Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Trauma may not be what you think. We all have it and we all suffer from it to varying degrees — especially those who are in abusive relationships. There’s so much trauma that comes along with abuse and also so much trauma that led us there in the first place.  In this week’s episode, we’re talking about complex trauma with Gwynn Raimondi. Gwynn defines complex trauma as anything that happened when we were young. Gwynn is a therapist specializing in complex trauma, grief, embodiment & intersections. We discuss the various ways trauma can show up and how it impacts relationships. Plus, Gwynn has an amazing approach to self-regulating your nervous system and how doing so can help you to reclaim your life.  Show Highlights Gwynn defines trauma and offers several different examples of trauma (6:39) Complex trauma: anything that happens when we were young (8:00) We discuss the trauma response and what is happening in our brains (10:00) How trauma impacts your relationships, plus Gwynn describes the four attachment styles (22:35) Body-centered mindfulness work and nervous-system regulation helps create a window of tolerance (15:11) Addiction is a coping mechanism (31:23) Collective relational trauma and how it impacts the way we relate to other people and impacts our relationships (43:22) How trauma affects our physical bodies (56:00) Learn More About Gwynn Raimondi:Gwynn is a therapist specializing in complex trauma, grief, embodiment & intersections. She is systems focused and explores how the greater world impacts and influences individuals, how the trauma we have experienced influences our relationships with others, ourselves, and the world, and how living in our current patriarchal, authoritarian, white supremacist culture exacerbates the lived experience and ancestral trauma that lives within us. Resources & Links:Gwynn’s websiteGwynn on InstagramGwynn on FacebookGwynn on MediumGwynn’s Facebook Group Trauma Informed Embodiment The Ultimate Divorce Survival GuideShould I Stay or Should I Go Facebook Group Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This week I’m sharing my recommendations for co-parenting during the COVID-19 pandemic. If you’re a member of my Facebook group or follow me on Instagram, you may have heard me talking about how there are no shelter-in-place or quarantine guidelines for divorced families, especially those with blended families. We are told to stay home or to shelter-in-place, but what is a quarantine when you have children spread out across multiple households? The government can’t necessarily mandate how blended families react to quarantine, but they can make guidelines. Unfortunately, I haven’t heard one politician or infectious disease expert say a single thing about our demographic.  As it stands right now, co-parenting guidelines are simply, “Comply with your court orders.” And, in many cases, that can be dangerous for everyone’s health. In this episode, I’ve put together some ways that co-parents can deal with the current situation. Here are just a few of the topics I touch on in this episode: Why communication with your co-parent is crucial now, more than ever What to do when you have an ex who is not taking the pandemic seriously The importance of talking to your children in age-appropriate ways about COVID-19 How to cope with being stuck cohabitating with your soon-to-be-ex and how to continue with divorce proceedings If you are in an abusive relationship in quarantine, you are in danger.   Resources and Links:Susan Guthrie, Divorce in a Better WayHello Divorce (for the State of California only)It’s Over EasyNational Domestic Violence Hotline: 1- 800-799-72331:1 Coaching with Kate The Ultimate Divorce Survival Guide Should I Stay or Should I Go Facebook Group Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

It’s therapy month on the Divorce Survival Guide podcast! ICYMI: I’ve decided to organize podcast episodes into monthly themes, and right now, we’re in the middle of Therapy Month! Joining me to discuss all things Imago Therapy for couples is Dr. Sarah Schewitz. Dr. Sarah Schewitz is a licensed psychologist specializing in love and relationships and is the founder of the successful online psychology practice, Couples Learn. Imago therapy is a specific style of relationship therapy designed to help conflict within relationships become opportunities for healing and growth. My ex-husband and I were in Imago therapy before our divorce, and well, it didn’t save our marriage. But what it did do was provide us with a way to communicate compassionately and lovingly during our divorce. Imago therapy opens compassion wells, and it allows for a deeper level of communication. Sarah is an expert on the subject. In addition to discussing Imago, we also chat about why therapy (individual or couples) is so vital for your healing. Sarah puts it perfectly when she says, “Most of us are just unconsciously reacting to circumstances that are triggering our past childhood wounds without realizing it. If you can gain that awareness, you can then choose, ‘Do I want to react this way or not?’ And that’s healing.”  Show Highlights How remote couples therapy works (4:28) Misconceptions around childhood trauma and how they impact current relationships (6:59) The definition of trauma and conflict trauma (9:11) How Sarah addresses the panic-stricken husband who didn’t realize things were ‘that bad’ (14:15) Imago therapy and Imago dialogue: what it is and how couples can use it for a more profound level communication (16:58) More on the Imago dialogue and why the respect for your partner’s availability is so important (22:00) Sarah shares how she approaches therapy with someone who has been in an abusive relationship after abusive relationship (25:12) How to elicit a conversation about childhood wounds using Imago Dialogue, with a real-world example (51:26) “Whether the relationship stays together or not, investing in yourself is never a loss.”   Dr. Sarah SchewitzLearn More About Dr. Sarah Schewitz:Dr. Sarah Schewitz (pronounced Shevitz like Manischewitz wine) is a licensed psychologist specializing in love & relationships and is the founder of the successful online psychology practice, Couples Learn. She has been working with couples and individuals to improve their love lives for over 10 years now. In 2019, Sarah was named one of Datezie’s most influential dating experts and one of the top 3 marriage counselors in Los Angeles. Sarah has been featured in articles for outlets such as Readers Digest, Playboy, Bravo TV, AskMen, Self, and more. Dr. Sarah’s private practice is relatively unique in that she is one of the only doctoral-level couples therapists whose practice is 100% online. Resources & Links:Dr. Sarah’s websiteDr. Sarah on InstagramDr. Sarah on FacebookGetting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples, Harville Hendrix Ph.DGetting the Love You Want WorkshopsThe Ultimate Divorce Survival GuideShould I Stay or Should I Go Facebook Group Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This week I’m talking about how to deal with the other woman in your ex or soon-to-be ex's life. The woman he cheated on you with, or the one he met after you...you know, the one he’s introducing to your kids…?You have a lot of feelings about this, most of which are perfectly valid, but are you acting on those feelings in the right way? What are the boundaries here? What’s a reasonable request for you to make about all of this? And how exactly are you supposed to feel about this woman??In today's episode, I’m going to share why compassion is so important — compassion for yourself, for your children, and yes, even for her. If you're a mom, it's part of your job to expand your capacity to be with uncomfortable, painful, and conflicting feelings, especially ones you never fucking wanted to have ever at all. Learn how to process them in appropriate ways so you can show up in this new paradigm in the best and healthiest way possible for your kids.Here are just a few of the topics I touch on in this episode: Why name-calling, blaming, and shaming aren't the way to go How to practice compassion towards the other woman Dealing with and appreciating the other woman in your child's life 1:1 Coaching with Kate The Ultimate Divorce Survival Guide Should I Stay or Should I Go Facebook Group Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Not all therapists are good. Not all therapists have the advanced training necessary to help you as an individual or as a couple. Not all therapists have your best interests in mind. If you are contemplating divorce, want to work on past trauma, or work on your relationship, you need a good therapist to guide you. So, how do you find a good therapist? That’s the topic of this week’s episode. If you’re a member of my Facebook group, then Katie’s name is probably familiar to you. She’s a member of the group, is an incredible asset and I am so grateful to have her voice there, as well as in this podcast episode. “Going into therapy with the wrong person is not going to help you,” says Katie. My loves, this is so true. But choosing the right one most certainly will.  Show Highlights The many layers of how to go about picking a therapist (6:08) Tips for researching your therapist options including how to research finding a good couples therapist (16:29) EFT: Emotionally Focused Therapy takes the understanding of attachment theory and applies it to how we come together and fall apart in our relationships (18:02) Everybody has dysfunction and we all can choose to (or not to) deal with it. The more we put work into healing our attachment injuries the more value we are going to get from our relationships (21:30) Schema therapy - what it is and how it helps change your relational behavioral patterns (19:46) In looking for a couple’s therapist, you should be looking for someone who has experience in several advanced therapies (27:00) Who should NOT be in couple’s therapy: active abuse or addiction by someone who is not willing to address and work through it (27:55) When therapists act in dual roles (individually and as a couple’s therapist) (28:09) Trust your gut! If you don’t feel like a therapist is the right fit for you, they’re probably not. (33:36) Trauma bonds: the theory of trauma bonding and how they can lead you to repeat old abusive habits (38:15) Learn More About Katie:Katie Thompson LPC, CEDS is a psychotherapist in private practice in St. Louis, Missouri. Katie specializes in treating eating disorders, anxiety disorders, PTSD and complex trauma and has a special interest in treating binge eating disorder. She is skilled in implementing DBT, CBT, IFS, ERP, EMDR, EFT and group therapy. Katie is trained in EMDR, Exposure, and Response Prevention (ERP) and has earned her certification in Internal Family Systems, Level 2. In private practice, Katie balances individual, family, couples and group therapy with supervising provisionally licensed therapists. Katie is also a current member and the past Board President of the Missouri Eating Disorders Association (MOEDA) Board of Directors and is a past member of the Binge Eating Disorder Association (BEDA) board of directors. Katie can be seen in local media appearances and lecturing regionally and nationally in her areas of specialty.  Katie is married and has a daughter, a bonus daughter, and a bonus son. She has been a part of her blended family since 2011 and is familiar with the complexities that come with living in a blended family as a spouse, bio parent and step-parent. Katie specializes in clinical intervention within blended family systems in her specific areas of expertise.   Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This week I wanted to expand on a topic I discussed in my Facebook group and on an Instagram IGTV video. It’s around the topic of forgiveness entitlement. In this episode, I also talk about addiction or abuse, and why you can’t force someone to get help. So, your spouse says they’re doing the work and they seem to be doing all the right things. But you still can’t trust them and they don't understand why. You wonder, “What’s wrong with me?” There is NOTHING wrong with you. You’ve been betrayed and hurt, and you’re not healed yet. If your spouse is telling you that you need to get over it already, here’s what I want to say to you: the only person who gets to say when they’re ready to move forward is the person who has been the victim of the offending act — in this case, you.When someone says they’re doing all the work, remember that actions speak louder than words. And if they are truly doing the work, they’re opening the door so that you can be okay, so you can heal and eventually, you can forgive. But, know this:Nobody is entitled to your forgiveness. Tune in to hear why this is so important for your healing, your journey, and your relationships (now or in the future).  Here are just a few of the topics I touch on in this episode: The only time you should forgive someone. Emotional abusers or active addicts know exactly what they are doing. YOU are the person who needs to understand the truth of what’s going on.  The importance of not controlling the situation and allowing him or her to find their process to recovery. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This week we are talking all about sexuality and intimacy after divorce. My guest is Leslie Morgan Steiner, a New York Times best-selling author, columnist for The Washington Post, speaker on work/family balance, successful corporate executive – and domestic violence survivor. Two truths can co-exist. You can be relieved your soon-to-be ex is moving out and grief-stricken at the same time. You can be happy and sad, at the same. This is part of the complexity of human emotions. There’s nothing wrong with you for experiencing a wide range of them. There is nothing wrong with you. Nobody knows this better than Leslie.Leslie’s memoir, Crazy Love, is an account of her violently abusive first marriage. It's about this kind of complexity, how we can deeply love and deeply fear one person at the same time. Her latest memoir, The Naked Truth, explores these dualities as well as she writes about female sexuality, self-esteem, and dating after 50.  Show Highlights The power of sisterhood and how women are always an inspiration to other women (3:18) Coming out of a marriage desexualized and losing touch with your sexuality (6:00) Perfection has nothing to do with sexuality (12:00) Getting to a point where you can enjoy and love sex (15:00) The stigma and shame around having sex after divorce if the divorce has not been finalized (22:38) Women who are vulnerable to abusers, how to break the cycle; and Leslie shares her story of domestic abuse (28:14) Why learning how to trust yourself again rather than trusting others is paramount following an abusive relationship (33:23) Leslie drops this truth bomb: “I can’t look for a man to heal me.” (38:00) Men struggle with intimacy just as much as women do (39:00) Leslie shares her thoughts on coaxing a man to fall in love with you (42:00) The myth of Prince Charming is destructive to women and unfair to men too (49:09) Learn More About Leslie:Leslie Morgan Steiner is the author of four nonfiction books: the New York Times bestselling memoir Crazy Love; the critically acclaimed anthology Mommy Wars: Stay-at-Home and Career Moms Face Off on Their Choices, Their Lives, Their Families; The Baby Chase: How Surrogacy is Transforming the American Family; and her latest memoir, The Naked Truth, which explores female sexuality, self-esteem and dating after 50. From 2006-2008 she wrote over 500 columns for the Washington Post’s popular on-line work/family column, “On Balance.” She currently writes the Two Cents on Modern Motherhood column for ModernMom.com and MommyTracked.com. Her writing has appeared in Glamour, Psychology Today, Redbook, The Washington Post, the New York Times and other publications.   Steiner holds a BA in English from Harvard College. Her first job was writing and editing for Seventeen Magazine. After graduating from Wharton in 1992 with an MBA in Marketing, she launched Splenda Brand Sweetener internationally for Johnson & Johnson. She returned to her hometown of Washington, DC in 2001 to become General Manager of the 1.1 million-circulation Washington Post Magazine, a position she held for five years. Steiner is a regular guest on The Today Show, National Public Radio, ABC, NBC, CBS, and cable news networks. She has appeared in Newsweek, BusinessWeek, Elle, Parents, Self, Vogue, Vanity Fair, The Los Angeles Times, and CNN.com. She is a frequent speaker and consultant on the subjects of marketing to moms and ending family violence. Her 2012 TEDTalk about domestic violence has been viewed by over five million people, and in 2014 she completed her second TEDTalk exploring the ethics of global surrogacy.  She serves as a board member for the One Love Foundation, in honor of slain University of Virginia senior Yeardley Love. Leslie Morgan Steiner lives in Washington, DC, New York, and New Hampshire.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I asked a friend who is going through a divorce what I should talk about on this week’s episode. He said I should talk about cravings. And he offered what he meant by saying this, “Given the shit happening in the world, we turn to safety, fantasy, and imagination to numb our true selves and we give up the authentic fight.” How beautiful is that?There is so much happening in the world right now. And my friend is right, we numb out as a way to escape. We numb with food, drinking, or shopping. When it comes to relationships, we numb out by fantasizing about other people; hoping they are the cure for a troubled marriage. Turning to other people, places, or things will not lead you to true fulfilment. Doing so simply covers up the pain, momentarily. Succumbing to cravings is giving up the authentic fight. What happens if you just sit still with all of the shit that is happening in your life; what if you gazed into all of your own holes and examined them for what they are? What if? What might be possible for your relationship, for your marriage, or most importantly, for you? That’s what I am talking about this week on the podcast. I hope you tune in. Here are just a few of the topics I touch on in this episode: Why a marriage is not responsible for fulfilling you 100% Discernment work is so complex, but necessary The importance of recognizing your own ‘made-up’ stories and changing the narrative The Ultimate Divorce Survival GuideShould I Stay or Should I Go Facebook Group Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices