Talking To Teens: Expert Tips for Parenting Teenagers

Catherine Pearlman, author of Ignore It, explains how to make bad behavior stop by pretending you don't notice it. Discover Catherine's secret strategies for eliminating annoying behaviors on this episode. Learn what you can ignore and what you can't as well as how to re-engage after the behavior stops.Full show notesParenting is a hard job on the best of days. It’s even harder when your child gets to an age when they know how to push all the buttons and elicit your worst responses. It seems like the older they get the more immature their tantrums become. You know you have to address their misconduct, but confrontation only aggravates the situation. You don’t want to exhaust yourself giving reprimands to a brick wall. Fortunately, there are teenage behavior management strategies that can help deter your teen’s bad behavior while actually saving you from aggravation.However, teenagers love to argue for their independence. It can be worrisome when they consistently neglect their simplest responsibilities, like cleaning their room or taking out the trash. When you attempt to address these discrepancies, they might become defensive about their ability to take care of themselves despite the evidence in question. You don’t want this bad behavior to continue, especially as they spend less time at home and eventually face the world as an adult. So, what teenager behavior management strategies can you use to correct your their bad behavior without getting irritated? That’s the topic of this week’s Talking to Teens episode, “Bad Behavior? Ignore It!”I was joined by Dr. Catherine Pearlman to discuss teenage behavior management strategies in her book, Ignore it! How Selectively Looking the Other Way Can Decrease Behavior Problems and Increase Parenting Satisfaction. After years of working intimately with young mothers as a social worker, Dr. Pearlman founded the Family Coach, a program where she visits family homes during the most stressful time of day and guides parents through problem-solving strategies.When it comes to these visits, her clients are often shocked by what their told to do about their teen’s reckless and rude behavior: Ignore it.“Did I Read That Right?!”You might be asking yourself, “How can that be beneficial? You want me to just ignore when my child acts out?” Actually, yes! You might think that such a request is absurd, but Catherine knows everything there is to know about unconventional, yet scientifically backed teenage behavior management strategies! She can help you enjoy spending more time with your kids using this technique like she’s done with so many other families.Her method of mitigating bad teenage behavior functions primarily by managing two things:Reward SystemsNatural ConsequencesThese two elements are at the core of her teenage behavior management strategies. Reward systems and natural consequences are already woven into how you communicate with your child. It’s just a matter of changing how you use them to create a more reciprocal environment. Here’s how you can start implementing these teenage behavior management strategies in your own home:Behavioral Reward SystemsBehavioral reward systems are when you consistently encourage a specific type of behavior with a correlated response. If there were a mantra for Catherine’s teenage behavior management strategies, it would be, “Behavior that has a reward is going to be repeated.” So, if teenagers pout or misbehave until you give in, they know to do it again in the future because it produces results. According to Dr. Pearlman, what happens immediately following their behavior will determine if it happens again.However, rewards come in many different forms; it doesn’t just mean that your teen gets what they want in the end. If you’re arguing about a curfew and your teen knows that you’ve already made up your mind, they might be tempted to use rude behavior to make you upset. If you’re provoked into arguing back or expressing unhappiness, this can be perceived as a reward, thus causing your teen to continue this kind of conduct in the future.Ignoring bad behavior means that you’re not giving it a reward. When your teen doesn’t get their way, they might try to get a rise out of you by raising their voice, resorting to name calling, or using swear words. If you use effective teenage behavior management strategies and don’t let these tactics affect you, your teen will eventually realize that this isn’t an effective way to communicate. They won’t get what they want, and they won’t get anything in response.At first, you might get some pushback to these teenage behavior management strategies, but that just means it’s working. If you’ve been negatively responding to your teen’s bad behavior in the past, they understand that throwing a tantrum will, at the very least, garner a negative response. They’ll try to increase the pressure when you start ignoring their tantrums, but without any results, they’ll realize they need to do something else to get their way. This is how you can use behavioral reward systems to mitigate bad behavior.Natural ConsequencesDefined as the logical result of an action, natural consequences work when your teen has an understanding of cause and effect. Dr. Pearlman describes this tactic as “the best thing that ever happened to parents” because you don’t have to do any punishing; the consequences of your child’s actions speak for themselves.Ignoring your child’s irritating conduct helps them connect the dots between “bad behavior” and “this isn’t working.” This teenage behavior management strategies can also be employed outside of arguments to curb bad behavior. For example, if your teen hasn’t cleaned their room and they’re inviting some friends over, they may ask you to do a quick sweep so things will look nice when they arrive. They might make outlandish statements like, “My life will be ruined if anybody sees my room like that!” If you give in and clean their room, agreeing that they need to get to it later, they’ll latch on to that reward in the moment. But if you let them face the consequences of their actions, your teen is more likely to learn from the negative consequences.Parents that are worried about the negative impact of natural consequences unfolding at crucial moments in their child’s life might be hesitant to use this approach. That’s why it’s important to apply teenage behavior management strategies like the ignoring method early on when the stakes are relatively low.When your teen forgets a minor homework assignment at home or neglects their chores so they can’t hang out with friends, these are good examples of “ignore it!” testing ground. If you start off small, your child will incorporate better behavior early on and be ready for more important tasks in the future.To Talk or To Ignore?One example of how rewards and natural consequences work in the “ignore it!” method to manage bad behavior is with negotiations. When you’ve made a firm decision, whether it’s limiting cell phone time or setting a curfew, you want to stick to it. Naturally, your teen will try to make their case to keep their phone or stay out later with friends.Dr. Pearlman advises to get input prior to when you mak...

Dr. Jennifer Salerno shares communication tactics that you can put into practice today to start reshaping your relationship with your teen. As founder of the non-profit Possibilities for Change, Jennifer knows a thing or two about impacting the lives of teens!Full show notesAt some point as a parent, you’ve gone into your child’s room and stumbled across something that left you shocked. You never know when you’re going to have conversations about risky behaviors with your child, you just don’t want it to be too late. But it can be hard to get through to your teen, especially when they’re fighting tooth and nail to gain their independence. Luckily, there are ways to reconnect with an aloof teen!With some easy-to-follow tips for improving parent-teen relationships, you can make a lasting positive impact on your child’s decision making, even when you’re not around. That’s the topic of today’s episode, “Get Your Teen to Think.”I spoke with Dr. Jennifer Salerno to gather some tips for improving parent-teen relationships in her book, Teen Speak: A Guide to Understanding and Communicating with Teens. Her organization, Possibilities for Change, trains medical professionals on how to speak effectively with their teenage patients. After working intimately with adolescents and colleagues to refine the program, her research has resulted in the RAAPS risk screening system, which has tips for improving parent-teen relationships and is used by medical professions all over the country to mitigate risky behaviors among teens.RAAPS operates primarily through two core elements:UnderstandingReflectionDr. Salerno’s method of communication pairs medical research with these two easy-to-use concepts, which is why RAAPS is so applicable to teens at home. Here’s how her tips for improving parent-teen relationships work:UnderstandingThe first step is strengthening your understanding of one another. Understanding is more than just acknowledging what your teen is saying when they come to you with a problem. It’s when you comprehend the deeper meaning of their experiences and why they feel the way they do. According to Dr. Salerno, practicing and demonstrating understanding is how you can initiate these tips for improving parent-teen relationships.Let’s say your teen is harboring a negative attitude. You ask them what’s wrong, and they respond with, “I hate being short!” Initially, your parental instincts might tell you to help them maintain a positive attitude or encourage them to forget about trivial problems. But blatant positive reinforcement and avoiding negativity don’t really address what is causing their unhappiness. To implement the first of many tips for improving parent-teen relationships, you’ll need to investigate why this is a problem, why it’s important to them, and what it says about the bigger picture of what your teen is going through.You can practice understanding your teen by stating that whatever is troubling them is in fact a worthwhile problem. Then, consciously take the time to step out of your perspective on the matter and start thinking about this issue from your teen’s point of view. This alerts your readiness to listen and prepares you for understanding with an empathetic approach to communication.Understanding helps you effectively communicate by making your child feel heard. When teens don’t feel like they’re being heard, even in trivial conversations, they can start to feel isolated. Reaffirming your teen’s external problems and burgeoning a consistent understanding of their core struggles are key steps to improve your relationship. Kids that experience the kind of solidarity produced by understanding are more likely to open up to you about what’s really troubling themAs a parent, you want your teen to feel solidarity with you about their troubles so you can start at a more intimate level the next time you talk. Soon, you’ll start to notice the big picture, or patterns of your child’s more consistent insecurities and concerns. This can alert you to the causes of potential distressed behavior if these problems further develop.ReflectionSo how can you build off this deeper understanding of your child to further mitigate risky behavior? Dr. Salerno’s tips for improving parent-teen relationships encourage us to help your child think through situations. This is the essence of reflection; using serious thought and consideration to plan and problem-solve.Reflection functions in communication by allowing you and your teen to exchange ideas together. Once you’ve dug deeper into the “being short” problem, you might learn that it’s actually about your teen not being able to join the basketball team and hang out with their friends. Now you can both try to figure out a solution. Maybe you can invite their friends over this weekend or find some other way to have fun outside of practice. This is how you can get your teen to routinely think through their issues before resorting to erratic reactions.In order to apply Dr. Salerno’s principles of understanding and reflection, it’s important to establish some ground rules before you engage your teen. This is one of my favorite tips for improving parent-teen relationships because it’s definitive and can help you and your teen develop respect for one another. First, recognize that it is completely normal for your teen to dramatize their conflicts. Meaning, this is just a phase of cognitive development. When met with patience, you can employ understanding and reflection in an effective manner.If your teen exclaims that they’ve just gone through a messy breakup and that they’ll never show their face in school again, you can practice understanding by filtering through the drama and thinking through what this situation means to your teen. Demonstrate that you’re trying to comprehend their statement by repeating back to them what they just said. “This person broke up with you, you’re upset, and you don’t want to show your face in school again.” Not only does this help you process the information, but it acts as a second voice for your teen to hear the situation outside their head.According to Dr. Salerno’s tips for improving parent-teen relationships, responding with unexpected observations about the situation can deescalate high drama situations by having your teen reflect on the consequences of their thinking, you might want to respond with something like, “Okay! You’ll have to drop out then and start working on your GED.” This response isn’t punitive, but rather seriously engages what your teen is saying. An unexpected statement like this provides your teen with forethought about their actions. If your teen never goes to school again because of this break up, they will have to find alternative means of staying educated and working on their career in a new setting.By taking your teen’s ideas seriously, you’re able to highlight discrepancies in their reasoning and get them to collaborate with you about solutions. In regard to more serious situations like drug use, sex, and drunk driving, the method remains the same: start by understanding your teen and then help them reflecting on the outcome of their decisions. Over time, applying these tips for improving parent-teen relationships will deter risky behavior when your teen is on their own in the future.There’s more to these tips for improving parent-teen relationships than just understanding and reflecting!Your teen also needs to b...

Susan Groner, founder of the Parenting Mentor, shares her wisdom and parenting “hacks” with us. Discover my favorite tips from Susan’s latest book Parenting: 101 Ways to Rock Your World, and Susan’s #1 reason why fights break out between parents and teens. Plus, what to say instead of “Because I said so.”Full show notesWhat kind of support do you need as a parent? When you pick up a parenting book, what are you hoping to find?Information that’s quick and digestibleAdvice that fits into your life’s current rhythmsMaybe a reminder that not everything you’re doing is wrongThat doesn’t sound like too much to ask for, but how often do we pick up a parenting book only to put it down, thinking…This author doesn’t know what they’re talking aboutThat sounds great, but who has time to learn this crap?This book makes me feel like a terrible parent!Being a parent is hard work! Parents should have the kind of support they need, when they need it. That’s why I sought out the opportunity to talk to the amazing parenting mentor, Susan Groner.Susan Groner is the mother of three grown children. Though, when she was in the throes of motherhood, she felt overwhelmed by the challenges. She didn’t find parenting books helpful at all. She thought there had to be some creative parenting hacks to help her through the tough and joyful times of parenting.Eventually, she developed her trademark CLEARR™ method and founded The Parenting Mentor. The Parenting Mentor is a website where she provides coaching for parents of children of all ages. Plus, her techniques are easily applicable and build off of what you’re already doing! Needless to say, I was thrilled to talk to her about her new parenting book, Parenting: 101 Ways to Rock Your World.Fast and Feel GoodSusan’s Parenting 101 has been dubbed the “parenting book for parents who don’t have time for parenting books.” This is completely by design.When Susan was asked to write her book, she knew immediately that she didn’t want to write a traditional parenting book. Those were never helpful for her, so she wasn’t going to just play along.She wanted a book that was designed for parents to pick up, read for two minutes, and put down.She wanted a list of quick creative parenting hacks to uplift parents and to remind them they're already doing a lot of stuff right!Like any job, you’re probably going to do better work when you’re feeling confident and competent. This is why parents should feel good about what they’re doing! Raising another human being is a hard enough job description. The additional stress and anxiety that parents go through because they don’t feel good enough is unnecessary. Susan doesn’t want parents to feel angst, especially when there are creative parenting hacks that can help.So what are some of these creative parenting hacks?The CLEARR™ MethodAll of Susan’s creative parenting hacks come down to one acronym: CLEARR™CommunicationLoveEmpathyAwarenessRulesRespectHow we talk to our teenagers is so important.If a teen hates a rule in your house, it’s important to understand why. Even when you do feel strongly about a rule, Susan says that your response shouldn’t be: “Because I said so!” That’s just laying down the law. That’s a fight waiting to happen.Instead of laying down the law, Susan suggests you respond: “Let’s talk about that.”You want to know why your teen thinks a rule stinks, and then clarify why the rule is still important. A conversation with love and respect, where your tone of voice is kind, loving, and empathetic will go much better than a shouting match. You’ll be amazed by how quickly a simple change in your response can diffuse your teen’s frustration. Susan’s creative parenting hacks pretty much all revolve around this.Timing, Manner, and Intonation (Tip #5 of 101)We didn’t have time to go through all 101 of Susan’s creative parenting hacks, but we did get to touch on a handful. For example, #5 from her book is titled “Timing, Manner, and Intonation.” These are three factors you can leverage when talking to your teen about tough topics.Susan breaks them down really easily. Think about timing. When do you want to have a tough conversation with your teen? You probably don’t want to talk about their friends’ smoking habits while you’re also pressed for a deadline at work. So what are the creative parenting hacks for having this hard conversation? Susan offers several suggestions.Timing:Create a time to set aside. Schedule a time to go for a walk, or have a cup of tea together. If you both like gardening, do some yard work. Anything that relaxes both you and your teen. Once that is scheduled, you’ll be able to approach the topic with an easier manner and intonation.Manner & Intonation:The language you choose, and the tone in which you say it, is so important when communicating with teens. Teens do NOT want to hear judgment at all. So using nonjudgmental language and a kind tone is a priority. You can be firm on your family’s values without bashing the behaviors of your teen and their friend group. As long as your words and tone indicate that you’re not mad at your teen, but empathetic and loving, it’s likely they will listen and be responsive.Even with our best efforts, though, it’s hard to be perfect. What do you do when your teen does get angry about something?Unintentional JudgmentsSusan thinks that a lot of reasons why fights in the house start are because of unintentional judgmental comments.For example, let’s say your teen comes home from school and slams the door. WHAM! Your kid is obviously pissed about something. Still, most of our gut responses to the dramatic entrance might be:“Why’d you slam the door? Don’t slam the door in this house!”You can imagine how your teenager might respond before marching off to his or her room and slamming their door again.Susan says that sometimes teens just want to be heard. So you want to use words that show you see they’re upset, and that you want to be there for them. You might say:“Wow, sweetie, you seem really angry. Is something upsetting you today? What happened?”You’re not going to fix whatever happened or promise to make it better, but you can listen and be empathetic. Maybe a teacher disciplined them. Again, our gut response might be to say:“Well, what did you do?”That’s a surefire way to make your teen defensive, though. Those words make it sound like whatever happened was the teen’s fault. Even if it was, their teacher already disciplined them. If your teen needed more scolding, you probably would’ve gotten an email from the teacher. Susan states that the most effective creative parenting hacks needed for this situation are comfort and understanding. For now, just a li...

Lisa Damour, bestselling author of Untangled and Under Pressure, reveals a startling trend on this episode: stress and anxiety are on the rise among teenage girls. Learn why this is happening and what parents can do about it from the psychologist who writes the adolescence column for the New York Times.Full show notesImagine this:Your young teen has been practicing piano for almost a year now, and his teacher is holding a recital for all the students. Your teen has just found out about the recital, and wants out.The thought of performing a skill he’s just starting to learn in front of an audience is stressing him out. He’d rather just not go, and asks if he can have another year to practice before the next recital. You agree to let your teen skip this year’s recital and try again next year, but then what happens?When next year’s recital date is announced, your teen is more stressed out than the last time! What happened? He’s had a whole extra year to practice, and you can hear from your own eavesdropping that he is in fact twice as good as he was a year before. But he doesn’t want to perform, and he’s mega stressed out about it.When parents don’t have strategies for comprehensive teenage stress management, there can be devastating long term consequences for the child. If kids are taught that feelings of stress and anxiety are bad feelings to be avoided, then avoiding those feelings is what they will become experts at.One day, however, those feelings of stress and anxiety will be unavoidable. Your teen’s friends may want him to join their band, or try out for their orchestra. Of course he wants to play music with his friends, but if he’s been avoiding live performances all these years, then what’s to stop him from having a full-blown panic attack?Learning to teach teenage stress management isn’t straight forward. It’s hard to imagine the long term consequences of seemingly inconsequential choices. So to better understand the complexities of teenage stress management, I got on the phone with New York Times bestselling author, Lisa Damour, Ph.D.On top of being a bestselling author for her two books, Untangled and Under Pressure, Lisa writes the monthly Adolescence column for the New York Times. She maintains her own private psychotherapy practice, she’s a regular contributor to CBS News, and she’s an international speaker and consulter. Oh! And she’s a mother. Not surprisingly, she had a lot to say on this episode about teenage stress management.Anxiety Isn’t Always BadLisa says that if parents learn only one thing about teenage stress management, it’s this: Psychologists see stress and anxiety as normal, healthy functions.More often than not, anxiety is your friend. It’s one of your body’s alarm systems that tells you when you need to pay attention and keep yourself safe. If you were driving, and the car ahead of you were swerving back and forth, Lisa would be more concerned if you weren’t having an anxiety attack at that moment. Your body’s alarm system should compel you to respond. Get away from the swerving car!The same goes for teenagers. If a teen comes to Lisa and says they’re feeling anxious about an upcoming performance, and she learns they haven’t been practicing, then she says,“Good! You’re having the right reaction to being unprepared!”Even if the teen did practice for their performance, Lisa says it’s good for them to feel a bit anxious. Research shows that a little anxiety improves performance, and we want our kids to do a good job. She says you don’t want your kid to be in a total zen state before going into a test, performance, or competition. You want them to be a bit “revved up” by some stress.Anxiety is good because it protects you. It gets your juices flowing. Anxiety makes you do those tasks you’ve been procrastinating, or not taking seriously. Sure, it doesn’t feel good, but neither does exercise, and no one is saying that exercise is bad for you!There are times when anxiety can be bad, and Lisa helped me understand when that is. She says anxiety is bad when the alarms don’t make sense, and when the alarm is hugely out of proportion to the event. You don’t want your teen having full blown panic attacks over small quizzes. Also, if your teen is feeling anxious all the time, and nothing is wrong, then there’s something faulty with their body’s alarm system.Most times, though, anxiety is a good thing. But how does knowing this help us parents better understand teenage stress management? How can we help our teenager who is really concerned about that upcoming piano recital? These are the exact questions that drove Lisa to write her book!Here’s what NOT to do…Avoidance is Your Worst OptionThe one strategy that’s most likely to heighten anxiety is avoidance. Lisa points out, though, that avoidance is often people’s first instinct when faced with anxiety.When your teen is stressed out about that piano recital, it’s easy as a parent to think it’s no big deal. What’s the harm in letting them skip that one performance? But here’s the problem: the first thing your teen is going to feel when you make their problem disappear is glorious relief. They’re going to feel great! So when the next recital comes around, their brain is going to scream, “Give me that fabulous relief I had before!”We don’t want to set our teens up for future avoidances. The more your teen avoids recitals, the bigger and scarier they become until their anxiety turns into full blown stage fright. They instead need to seek teenage stress management strategies that can help them confront challenges like this.Go Against Their InstinctThe goal of teenage stress management is to teach teens that they have a TON of strategies for dealing with their stress. Lisa says it helps to go against their instinct. You can say,“Look, avoiding this recital is a phenomenal short term solution. It is a TERRIBLE long term solution.”The teenage brain is often not developed enough for comprehensive long term planning. Teens need parental guidance and support to realize that their decisions do have long term consequences. Once teens see that avoiding challenges makes things worse in the long run, you can then help them build a set of teenage stress management strategies. (High on that list will be breathing for relaxation.)Once your teen understands that avoiding the piano recital is a bad long term solution, you can then ideate with them! There are loads of teenage stress management tactics they can use to engage with the recital. Maybe they don’t have to perform for the whole recital. Or, if they don’t perform at all, they can at least go and listen to everybody else. See if they can talk to their teacher and get access to the space beforehand to see how it feels. As long as they’re not avoiding the source of their anxiety and are willing to teenager stress management, there are so many options!“Stinks” and “Handle”<...

Michelle Mitchell, author of 5 parenting books, shares some surprising facts from her newest book, Self Harm. She says teens act reckless and harm themselves when they can't find a better way to deal with strong negative emotions. Thankfully, there's a lot parents can do to help.Full show notesA surprising 10% of teens today are participating in self harm, but about 87% of those teens never talk to medical professionals about it. That means if a teen is self harming, they might only talk to certain family and friends, or not at all. Your teenager, or a teenager you know, might not only be battling this problem, but also keeping it to themselves. Because this issue is rarely discussed publicly, teenagers may not feel comfortable speaking up about it for fear of being judged or punished.It’s not just teens that avoid talking about this issue. Parents often don’t know how to deal with a moody teenager and refrain from bringing up issues like this as well. This means that even when a teenager is vocal about struggling with self harm, solving the problem isn’t exactly common knowledge. That’s why it’s a good idea to take some time to learn about this issue, even if your teen isn’t fighting a self harm problem. Learning about self harm can help you figure out how to deal with a moody teenager should issues like self harm ever rear its ugly head.To learn more about how to deal with a moody teenager, we interviewed the amazing Michelle Mitchell, our first ever repeat guest here at Talking to Teens! She’s the author of five parenting books, the founder of the Youth Excel charity, and an advocate for adolescent mental health. Her recent book, Self Harm: Why Teens Do It And What Parents Can Do to Help is full of expertise about self harm.In today’s episode, Michelle talks about how to deal with a moody teenager. She dives into why teens self harm, and how a parent should react if they find out a teenager is doing so. She also gets into the psychological process of forming habits––the Cue, the Routine, and the Reward––and how you can use this knowledge to figure out how to deal with a moody teenager and help them find alternatives to self harm.Why do People Hurt Themselves?Somewhere in the world, a mother notices her teenage son hasn’t been acting like himself lately. He repeatedly comes home in a bad mood, seems disinterested in things he used to like, and spends a lot of time holed up in his room. Something is clearly wrong, so she sits him down to try and figure out what’s going on.When she finally gets him to open up, he shows her something she doesn’t expect to see: scars on his arm from self harming. He admits he’s been cutting himself regularly and isn’t sure how to stop. Shocked, she doesn’t know how to respond. She never imagined that her teenager would struggle with a self harm issue. She wonders to herself, why on Earth would he do such a thing? Is he trying to end his own life?There are many triggers and signs, like self harm, that leave parents wondering how to deal with a moody teenager. People often think that self harm is indicative of suicidal tendencies, but this is not the reality for the majority of self harmers. As Michelle explains, most teenagers who self harm are exhibiting cries of pains, and not aiming to end their own lives. A cry of pain is a way of handling emotional turbulence that feels otherwise impossible to escape.Parents wondering how to deal with a moody teenager who engages in self harm must understand the pressures that lead them to this. Teenagers deal with a lot––pressure from their friends, academic stress, societal expectations––causing them to feel overwhelmed and out of control. Perhaps this woman’s son is being bullied repeatedly at school or struggling with his body image. This can lead to harsh, self critical thoughts that require some kind of outlet. He may have developed this problem because he didn’t have any alternatives to self harm to help him deal with his emotions, and so turned to this solution for stress relief.Parents wondering how to deal with a moody teenager may find the idea of hurting oneself hard to understand. However you’ve probably experienced something similar: the invigorating pain of exercise. You’ve likely felt your heart pound against your chest and your muscles strain as you do push-ups or jig up a steep hill. The body’s reaction to self harm is not unlike its reaction to working out, and this is why it becomes a cathartic release for some individuals.It fills the body with adrenaline and excitement, and despite being painful, provides a sort of “high” that distracts from or relieves negative emotions. Teenagers can become addicted to that feeling, causing them to reject healthier alternatives to self harm and continue to hurt themselves instead. Luckily, Michelle is here to walk everyone through the process and help us understand how to deal with a moody teenager.Starting the Healing ProcessSo, what would Michelle tell the mother in our story to do, now that she has discovered that her teen is self harming? She wants to comfort her child and help him get better, but doesn’t remotely know where to start. She’s scared of saying the wrong thing or making the situation worse. She simply doesn’t know how to deal with a moody teenager in a way that feels respectful and empathetic.Michelle reminds us that kids often judge the severity of a situation by how parents react, so how parents respond to self harm matters more than we might expect. Although this mother may be shocked beyond belief by the situation at hand, Michelle says allowing her son to see her panic can be dangerous for his mental state. He may respond with panic himself, leading him back into the intense emotions that caused the self harm to begin with.When figuring out how to deal with a moody teenager, Michelle states that parents must not lead with their immediate reactions to the discovery of self harm. Instead, we should process our emotions away from the teenager at hand. That way, when we’re ready, we can have a calm, collected conversation about the problem.When approaching how to deal with a moody teenager, Michelle says it’s not effective for us to blame or criticize the teenager at hand. Instead, we should ask what we can do to help. It can be helpful to let the teenager know that we see the situation as a collective effort, that it’s not something they have to face alone. Michelle suggests being helpful and positive, to steer the conversation in a hopeful direction.It may be tempting to tell a teenager that they need to stop self harming immediately, to forbid them to ever do it again. Michelle says it doesn’t work that way, unfortunately. The process of figuring out how to deal with a moody teenager is going to be much more gradual. If a teen tries to stop self harming without any leniency, they may relapse and then feel a lot of shame or guilt. You can listen to the full episode to Michelle’s exact advice for slowly decreasing the harm.She explains the value of shifting a teen’s tendencies from self harm to self help. This means developing new alternatives to self harm, or different ways of coping.Habits have three distinct steps: the Que, the Routine, and the Reward. In the episode, we dive into how we can take these steps and use them to help reor...

Stephanie Sarkis, author of Gaslighting, explains how parents should handle emotionally manipulative teenagers, partners, and ex-partners. She also shares strategies for preparing your teen to deal with emotionally manipulative people in their own lives.Full show notesWhat is Gaslighting?Has anyone ever dismissed you as crazy when you made a perfectly valid point? Have you ever been accused of lying about how a certain event unfolded? Have you ever realized someone was being overly complimentary towards you only so they could use you for something? Though these equally unpleasant situations may seem disparate, they all have one thing in common. They are all forms of gaslighting.Gaslighting is a term often used in reference to psychologically toxic relationships. You may or may not be familiar with this word as it has only become common speak in the past few years. Common examples of gaslighters can include anti-feminist men who when discussing the gender wage gap say “women get paid less because they don’t work as hard as men.” On the contrary, a woman can also gaslight a man she’s in a relationship with by saying “It’s actually your fault that I cheated on you. I wouldn’t stray if you would just lose 30 pounds.” Gaslighting doesn’t just occur in romantic relationships, it can also happen in professional and social contexts. And though gaslighting is more common amongst adults, teenagers can also become acquainted with gaslighting whether they are using the tactic itself or are in a romantic relationship where they’re the one being gaslighted.Gaslighting is defined as a form of manipulation in which a person sows seeds of doubt in another individual, making them question their own memory, perception, or judgment. If this sounds familiar to you as a parent, you may be struggling to figure out how to deal with manipulative teenagers like this. But if you don’t have a manipulative teenager yourself, the last thing you want as a parent is for your teen to be involved with a romantic partner who’s a gaslighter. If either your kid or their partner lies, ignores, or is manipulative in order to get their way, you may be left wondering how to deal with a teenager that doesn’t care about the feelings or requests of others.In order to figure out how to deal with manipulative teenagers I interviewed Stephanie Sarkis, author of the book Gaslighting: Recognize Manipulative and Emotionally Abusive People--And Break Free. Sarkis first started writing about gaslighting in an article for Psychology Today. Millions of people read and shared the piece because they identified with being in the type of relationship Sarkis wrote about, where subtle manipulation tactics were used to make you feel bad about yourself. All the positive feedback she got inspired her to write Gaslighting. In this episode, Sarkis explains how to deal with manipulative teenagers, partners, and ex-partners. She also shares strategies for preparing your teen to deal with conniving people in their own lives.Avoiding Toxic RelationshipsIn this episode we detail how to deal with manipulative teenagers by dissecting the habits and behaviors of gaslighters. Gaslighters are often very charismatic creatures that draw people in with their constant compliments and undying adoration. Once they have your affection; however, their true colors start to show as they isolate you from others by telling you not to trust your friends and family members. Gaslighters have conviction and foresight, and when it sounds like they're making perfect sense, you're already in their trap.If you’re wondering how to deal with manipulative teenagers or people who portray behaviors like this, Sarkis suggests cutting these gaslighters out of your life entirely. Block their phone number and emails, block them on Facebook, and stop reading their letters. However, Sarkis recognizes that this isn’t always possible when the gaslighter is someone whose presence you can’t escape, like your ex-spouse. This avoidance tactic is especially ineffective if you have kids with the gaslighter. After all, cutting them out could be more harmful to your teen than beneficial to you.When there’s a gaslighter in your life that you have no choice but to interact with, Sarkis explains that there are different tactics you can take depending on the severity of their manipulative behavior. For example, your ex-spouse may be someone who talks badly about you to your teen, fails to hold up their end of the bargain financially, or habitually shows up late when you are supposed to swap kids. If you find that they are repeatedly bashing you or leaving you with all the responsibilities that should be shared, you may be tempted to reveal to your teen how vindictive they really are. Sarkis insists that you do not take this road—it’s unfair to put your teen in the middle. Additionally, you want to avoid saying things to your teen that can be used as ammunition by the other parent.Essentially, Sarkis says to keep communication with your ex to a professional minimum. If you need to vent about your ex, she suggests talking to a third party, such as a coworker or therapist. If your ex refuses to be cordial with you, it may be necessary to meet with a coordinator to create a parenting plan. Tune into this episode to hear what a parenting plan is and how it can be a great help when you are stuck co-parenting with a gaslighter.What if the gaslighter you're dealing with isn’t your former significant other but your teen’s current one? Sarkis explains how to deal with manipulative teenagers when said teenager is someone your kid is dating. If you outright tell your teen to dump them, you’ll most likely be met with great resistance. Think about it—if your teenager is totally smitten, your attempt to end their relationship may come off as jealousy and can cause them to latch onto the relationship even harder. Any attempt to figure out how to deal with a teenager that doesn't care about your opinion on their boyfriend or girlfriend needs to come from a non-judgmental place.Sarkis’ advice on how to deal with a teenager that doesn’t care is to avoid sounding didactic. When you come off as knowing better than your kid, they’ll tune you out. Instead try relating to your teen by sharing your own story of a time when you suffered emotional abuse. Obviously you don’t have to go into graphic detail. In order to keep appropriate boundaries, make it a point to use examples from your social or professional life rather than your intimate life. For example, talk about a co-worker who pitted other co-workers against you so they could gain power over you in the office. Or about a friend who was only nice to your face when they needed a favor. The key is to find appropriate and relatable stories on how to deal with manipulative teenagers and adults alike.Throwing StonesThough not all teenagers are gaslighters, most have a manipulative streak at some point in their adolescence. Sarkis explains how to deal with manipulative teenagers by pinpointing common habits associated with these troubled teens. She describes the concept of stonewalling, which is when a teenager pretends that you don’t exist. This can start with them avoiding things you asked them to do and eventually lead to them ignoring you alto...

Gia Lynne, author of On Blossoming, thinks the current model of sex education does more harm than good. In this episode, she reveals how to adopt a "pleasure-focused", or "sex positive education", approach instead. Use these tips to set your teen up for sexual success.Full show notesWords like sex and sexuality can sometimes make us squirm. There’s a lot of social stigma when it comes to talking about the birds and the bees in our society, and when it comes time to give our kids a sex positive education, it’s not always easy to find the words. This is especially true when we consider that teens aren’t always open to taking advice from their parents on any topic, let alone something as personal as sex!If we don’t provide our kids with sex positive education, however, we may put them at especially high risk for certain problems. If they’re not informed by a trusted adult about the dangers of irresponsible intercourse, they may be more inclined to have unprotected sex, or simply may not approach the act with as much caution as they should.Gia Lynne, our guest today, is here to share her wisdom on sex positive education. She’s the author of On Blossoming: Frank and Practical Advice on Our Bodies, Sexual Health, Sensuality, Pleasure, Orgasm, and More. She’s got a lot of great ideas to help us approach these delicate subjects with ease, and clears up some misconceptions we have might about sex that could be harmful.Sexuality vs. SensualityWhen it comes to sex positive education, one of the things Gia speaks most passionately about is the difference between sexuality and sensuality. The difference lies in purpose. To Gia, sexuality has the ultimate goal of reproduction. It treats sex as a biological process, not a pleasurable experince primarily embarked upon for enjoyment. Sensuality, on the other hand, emphasizes being present, enjoying the sensations of a sexual experience, including the before, during, and after. It’s about the journey, not the end point.It’s like a symphony, Gia explains. We don’t buy expensive tickets, get dressed up, and have a night out just to go and hear the final chord being played. We come to the symphony to hear the entire thing, to enjoy crescendos, interludes, high and low notes. It’s more than just the final result--it’s an experience.So, how is this idea important when it comes to giving our kids a sex positive education? Gia explains that it’s tied to the pressures young people feel nowadays surrounding sexual activity. Teenagers are often wondering if they’re old enough, to start experimenting with sex, if they’re doing it with the right person, if they will be judged for their behavior. They sometimes think there’s a kind of invisible standard that they have to match up to in order to have sex “correctly.”Adding to this is the pressure young people feel around the word: “virginity.” Teenagers often get caught up with the idea of losing the title of “virgin” or gaining some kind of catharsis after losing their virginity. However, this can lead to a lot of self-esteem issues, and may convince some teenagers that they need to rush into having sex before they’re ready or before they meet the right person.By emphasizing the value of sensuality in a sex positive education, we can help teenagers understand that sex isn’t about other peoples opinions or unrealistic standards. It’s about having a pleasurable, caring, gentle experience with somebody you love. It doesn’t have to include penetration, doesn’t have to be between a man and a woman. As long as you practice safety and consent and both participants are treated with respect, sex can be whatever you like it to be.Starting ConversationsGia talks about how her book can be used to initiate conversation between you and your teenager about these tricky topics. When you give them the book, let them know that they can always ask you questions about what they read. Alternatively, you could sit down with your teenager on a regular basis and talk to them about the different chapters of the book. If you’re nervous about going into these sex positive education talks without any precedent, use the information provided in the book as a jumping off point!You may be asking, what topic from the book would be a good place to start to give my teen a sex positive education? Glad you asked. One issue that Gia encourages to discuss is masturbation. While it can be one of the most uncomfortable things to discuss with your child, it can help them have a better understanding of their own body and teach that it is a totally normal part of life.You may have difficulty with the word “masturbation” itself––it can feel pretty awkward to say to anyone, especially to your teenager! As silly as it may seem, Gia suggests spending some time saying the word on your own to yourself so that when it comes to the talk with your teen, it’ll roll off the tongue a little easier. Alternatively, she mentions how growing up, she was so embarrassed to talk about it with her parents that they labelled it, “the m-word.” Even though they didn’t use the word itself, they were able to discuss the concept, which is what truly matters when it comes to a sex positive education.One really important thing, Gia says, is to have these talks early and often. By giving your chid a sex positive education while they’re still young. It helps them normalize the idea of sex instead of creating shame or guilt around it, and helps establish the importance of safe sex early on.You don’t necessarily have to come right out and discuss sex and all it’s intricacies right away; start with helping your kid understand their body’s reactions to nonsexual stimuli or even help them practice saying yes and no to things they do or don’t want—essentially normalizing the idea of consent. That way, when they do become sexually active, they’ll be more familiar with their own bodies and feelings.Ongoing ConversationGia shares an interesting observation from her father when she started dating her first boyfriend in high school. She had been spending a lot of time with her new boyfriend when her father confronted her, saying that as soon as she starts dating someone, she stops spending time with her family. Gia was shocked to hear this, and didn’t really notice there was a problem.You can prevent this by having talks early with your teenager, and by creating a strong, nonjudgmental relationship with them. By always checking in and showing your teen that you care, you can build a bond that isn’t broken when your teenager starts dating.More From GiaGia’s interesting perspective on sex positive education and genuine regard for teenagers’ wellbeing shines through in today’s episode. She’s here to help your teenager understand their sexuality, and to guide you as a parent through this confusing time. In this episode, we cover:Gia’s unique, progressive childhood and how it informed her ideas about sexWhy the traditional Masters and Johnson’s model of sexual pleasure is outdatedThe idea of a “deliberate orgasm date”How virginity is tied to outdated ideas about a woman’s worthHow to help your kids adopt a “pleasure” mindset about sex and life in generalIf you love Gia’s advice on sex positive education, pick up her book today! You can also find her on her website Gialynne.com or on her Patreon, where she writes blog posts and conducts weekly livestreams about sex...

David Sortino, author and psychologist, talks about the lessons he learned working at a school for problem teenagers during his twenties. He developed a unique approach, using kinesthetic activities to engage the students. This episode also covers his book on the neuroscience of learning.Full show notesIt’s no secret that teens can be moody and irritable from time to time, but it can become a larger problem when teens start deliberately acting out. Teens can act out in ways that endanger themselves and others. They can end up really causing harm to their health or safety, such as losing sleep, trying illicit drugs, not taking school seriously or even drinking and driving. If their behavior is bad enough, they can end up in serious trouble with their school or even the law. Their consequences could be a serious or even permanent mark on their young lives.Of course, there are perfectly healthy ways to take risks and explore the world that is outside of one’s comfort zone. But it is always important to be mindful of the fact that when your teen is still young, they should be exploring the world in a way that doesn’t cause harm at the expense of anyone else’s wellbeing. When parenting out of control teens, the situation should be approached gracefully yet firmly. If not, they can act out even further out of spite or frustration.Parenting out of control teens is no easy feat. It can be tiresome physically and emotionally when going through already taxing endeavors such as college applications, learning how to drive, or moving out. You probably have enough on your plate as is! You’re not alone though. I spoke to one of the most knowledgeable and generous experts on troubled teens. This episode will help you communicate with and help seemingly out of control teens flourish.David Sortino, author and psychologist, uses the lessons he learned working at a school for troubled students to discuss parenting out of control teens. He developed a unique approach, using kinesthetic activities to engage students who didn’t want to be lectured to. Dr. Sortino was able to connect with teens who would’ve otherwise not been taken seriously. You could even try them for yourself at home!In addition to his PhD in developmental psychology and his doctoral work at Harvard, Dr. Sortino has a lot of real-world experience working with troubled teenagers. He's worked with juvenile offenders in prison, gangsters seeking rehabilitation, and kids who have been expelled from school. His book, The Promised Cookie, is the true story of a school for troubled teenagers where Dr. Sortino worked during his twenties. Readers will find that many of the lessons in this book can be applied to parenting out of control teens.David Sortino's passion for working with troubled teenagers started during his own childhood when his school administered an achievement test to determine which level of classes each student would be placed in. David threw the test in revolt and was placed in a special education class referred to by everyone else at the school as the "Zoo-Zoo Class".During that year, he noticed how poorly everyone treated the "Zoo-Zoo" students and it inspired his interest in troubled teenagers. He noticed that although they were being treated poorly, his peers were nothing short of intelligent and hard working students. Just because they didn’t fit into the mold of a supposedly “good” student, they were treated as if something were wrong with them. From there, David made it his life’s work to be able to not only understand teens that are labeled as “difficult” or “troubled”, but also help them thrive and reach their potential in life. David strives to make parenting out of control teens easier by sharing tips he’s learned from working with troubled kids.If you’re parenting out of control teens and wondering why they’re acting out, look into how they’re being treated at school. How well (or not) is your teen interacting with their peers and their teachers? Are they being given the right opportunities to be challenged? Are their needs being taken seriously?How do I interact with difficult-to-reach teens?In this week’s episode about parenting out of control teens, David explains how to use what he calls a “behavior contract” with a teenager. A behavior contract is simply a document that you write out that states clearly your behavioral expectations for them. The key, David says, is to appeal to their current stage of moral reasoning. Most teens are in the “Reciprocity” stage, says Sortino. However, as no two teenagers are alike, your teen may very well be in a different stage. David gives an extended explanation about the various stages later in this episode.Additionally, writing out a contract will also challenge your teen to think about right and wrong, which leads them to a higher level of moral reasoning. By granting your teen respect and higher levels of responsibilities, you are actively empowering them. Furthermore, having a physical piece of paper with expectations written out will make the situation all the more real and tactile. Having a physical sheet of paper with an agreement and their signature will keep them from trying to bend or change the rules set for them.Another tip for parenting out of control teens that David told me is to focus on your expectations for your teenager. Sure you’d love it for them to attend an Ivy League institution or to start a multi-million dollar company, but is it what your teen wants? It's hard not to project ourselves onto our children! We all have hopes and dreams for our kids. But those expectations can actually cause teens to rebel and push against our influence.How do I manage my own expectations for my teen?Dr. Sortino also taught me a great strategy for parenting out of control teens and empathizing with your teenager. He says the key is to think back to the most vulnerable moments of your own childhood and imagine how you felt during those moments. Spend a few moments meditating and reliving some of the most vulnerable moments from your own teenage years. Really try to experience the moments in full detail, using all five senses. To start, write down three memories that make you feel especially vulnerable.And now think about your own teen and moments that they’ve been scared, worried or embarrassed. When parenting out of control teens, approaching conversations after doing this kind of visualization will make you feel much more connected to them. When you see yourself in your teen’s environment, you can come to a place of better understanding. Maybe then you’ll see why your teen is acting out. Or maybe your teen will feel more comfortable opening up after seeing their parents' vulnerability and empathy.During our interview, David told me about the experience of being put in remedial classes for a year and witnessing how the kids were expected to perform poorly and behave problematically. Studies show that people have a strange way of living up to the expectations that are placed upon them. When parenting out of control teens, set an expectation for your teen to behave in an upstanding manner and don’t automatically assume the worst from them.Learning More About Parenting Troubled TeensWe’ve only begun to scratch the surface of parenting out of control teens. In this week’s extended episode, Dr. Sortino elaborates further into the psyche of a troubled teen, mentioning how the following circumstances can shape their mindset:Past physical/sexual abuseSubstance abuse...

Bill Beausay, the author of Teenage Boys!, talks about how to build a strong connection with a tough teen and how to challenge teens to step up and handle their own problems. He also reveals how to teach manners to teens.Full show notesWhen it comes to parenting today’s teens, our goal is to raise our kids to be able to survive without us. We want to imbue our teens with the ability to adapt to whatever life throws at them. If we can give them the skills to make it as independent individuals, we can relax knowing that they’re well-adjusted, functional members of society.The trick is finding the right techniques for parenting today’s teens to set them up for a life of adult decision making. We want to guide them and offer a helping hand, but we don’t want to shelter them too much. We want to inform them of the harsh realities of the world, but not expose them too much or too soon. How can we find the right approach to parenting today’s teens that allows us to be nurturing without coddling?Our guest today is Bill Beausay, author of over 20 books on topics spanning from parenting troubled teenage boys to self-empowerment in the workplace. He’s here to talk about the process of parenting today’s teens, drawing on his parenting knowledge and his experiences as a clinical psychotherapist and counselor. Bill’s tactics provide unique and innovative ideas about parenting today’s teens can guide you as a parent to help teens navigate their transition to adulthood.The Importance of VulnerabilityBill takes the stance that teenagers are really adults, just without adult-levels of experience. They have the same needs, wants, and goals, but they’re not always wise or informed when it comes to decision making. They procrastinate, act without thinking, and are overall just messy! That doesn’t mean they’re not trying or not intelligent, they just haven’t learned yet.When parenting today’s teens, try stepping into their shoes--after all, you were a teenager once too! Let them know that adult life may seem overwhelming, but it’s only a matter of learning and adapting. Share teenage memories of when you messed up or felt that there was something you’d never figure out. This helps your teen relate to you, understand your lesson, and feel at ease with their own decision making trials.In fact, Bill says being vulnerable with your kids is one of the most beneficial things you can do when parenting today’s teens. Bill emphasizes that a lot of kids today aren’t used to having kind, truthful adults in their lives. He discusses that those parenting today’s teens have certain expectations to be emotionally removed from their children and to set boundaries. This ends up being problematic for both parties, however, because it keeps them from communicating effectively and finding common ground.Reaching your TeenApproaching your kids and talking to them with vulnerability can be hard, especially because teens often reject advice from adults. Bill suggests bringing up important topics in casual settings and situations. Instead of sitting them down and creating a lot of nervousness around the discussion, find an activity that the two of you can do together and bring up tricky topics while the two of you bond. If you can, spend some time with your teenager doing something you both enjoy, you’ll be able to find ways to talk about serious concepts without either of you becoming too overwhelmed or intimidated.Similarly, Bill talks about how, when parenting today’s teens, we often resort to default modes of communication. Some default modes might look like saying no, using the same wording over and over, or repeating modes of communication or discipline to the point where kids just aren’t fazed anymore.When parenting today’s teens, Bill encourages you to challenge those defaults and find new ways to communicate with your teen in order to really get your ideas through. Maybe you can try writing them a letter when the two of you argue, as a way to express your true feelings. Perhaps you can try texting them regularly as a new way to reach them. Try something new and change the way you communicate in order to remind them that you’re still there for them or to surprise them into really listening to what you have to say.“You’ll Be Sorry” TechniqueBill emphasizes the importance of ensuring your children know that there are consequences for their actions. He shares a certain technique for parenting today’s teens in which you remind kids that certain decisions will result in feeling sorry about the consequences.Here’s how it works. Say, for example, your son is refusing to clean the garage, even though he knows it’s his responsibility. Instead of tearing your hair out trying to get him to do it, just let him know that if he doesn’t, he’ll probably be sorry later. Then, later that day, when he asks for a favor or permission to do something, just tell him no. Remind of earlier, when you warned him that he’d be sorry.This might sound mean, but Bill swears by its effectiveness for parenting today’s teens. It helps kids learn that when they don’t take care of their responsibilities, they miss out on the rewards. Life is unrelenting and requires you to take care of things when they need to be taken care of. Bill wants to teach teens that neglecting to do what is necessary can land you in a bad spot.Unlike other, more punitive approaches of parenting today’s teens, this approach doesn’t require excessive punishment. It does not require raising your voice, and it doesn’t encourage nagging. Instead, it’s a simple and quick way to make your point and make sure your child understands.Helping Your Teenager Find Their PurposeGrowing up is hard. Part of that difficulty is considering what you are going to spend your life doing. Many teenagers think they know what they want one minute, yet change their mind as soon as they arrive at a conclusion. Others are entirely lost and unsure, seeing no path forward. As Mark Twain famously said, “I can teach anybody how to get what they want out of life. The problem is that I can't find anybody who can tell me what they want.”Bill says the important thing is just to start this journey somewhere. For example, he asked his daughter, who was having trouble deciding what to do with her future, to just name one thing––anything––that she wanted out of life. She responded by saying that she wanted to meet Brad Pitt.Although this isn’t necessarily a concrete life plan by any means, it’s an idea, a push in some direction. In order to meet Brad Pitt, said Bill, his daughter might have to move to California. She then had to consider if that’s something she’d like to do. Regardless of her subsequent choices, Bill got his daughter thinking about her future by asking simple but effective questions.Bill also had an interesting experience with his son when it came time to help him decide what to do with his future. One day, he and his son were out in the front yard together, doing yard work. They saw a plane overhead, and his son was captivated by its presence. Bill asked his son if they wanted to follow it, so they did, chasing it all the way to the airport. When they got there, Bill’s son was interested in the mechanics of how airports run and how planes get into the air. His son ended up becoming a pilot, a job he still has to this day.By recognizing your teen’s interests and encouraging them...

Judy Arnall, the author of four parenting books including Discipline without Distress and Parenting with Patience, explains how to stop teenage rebellion and attitude problems instantly using non-punitive parenting strategies. Your teens will surely respond to these counter-intuitive approaches.Full show notesParenting with patience can be hard when your teen has a snarky, dismissive, or otherwise negative attitude. As teens grow, they don’t want to be babied or feel like they’re being controlled, so they may act out against you to create a sense of distance or even dominance.It’s certainly not out of the ordinary for teens to have hard days and to be in a bad mood. It becomes a bigger problem when this behavior turns into a habit of breaking rules and violating boundaries. Teens who regularly rebel against your authority could be on the path to a difficult young adulthood where all they know is conflict and hard feelings.Parenting with patience is a skill that you will learn through practice. If you parent with an iron fist, it probably won’t go well and it may even encourage your teen to rebel even more than they already were. It’s easy to fall into a parenting trap of feeling like you want to punish your teen severely in order to prove a point, but punishments out of spite only start a vicious cycle of resentment and continued bad behavior.But on the other hand, if you let bad behavior continue, you could hurt both your family life and your teen’s personal life. There needs to be a way to keep peace in your house in a way that doesn’t make your teen feel like they’re being controlled or that you’re being overbearing. Parenting with patience and understanding is probably the best way to both maintain order and also set an amicable atmosphere in the house. This week, I spoke with a mother of 5 who managed to do just that.Judy Arnall, the author of four parenting books including Discipline without Distress and Parenting with Patience, explains how to stop teenage rebellion and attitude problems instantly using non-punitive parenting strategies. Your teens will surely respond to these counter-intuitive approaches because they aren’t based on punishment, rather, collaboration in order to fix a problem.Judy explains the psychology behind why teens rebel and she shows you exactly what you can do to stop the process. After 27 years of being a parent to loving children, her expertise is truly valuable. Come along with me as I learn about non-punitive parenting strategies and gain a better understanding of parenting with a deeper sense of patience.Using the Right Language to Diffuse TensionTeenagers often don’t know how to communicate fully. They are still learning how to use their language to express themselves to others. Judy says you should model a more grown up language for a while until your teen gets the hang of it for themselves. When parenting with patience, it’s your job to be the bigger person and set an example for your teen, no matter how badly they behaved.Think about a time that you had a disagreement that turned into a bigger fight. Write down examples of things your teen says when they are mad that really bother you. Next, write down what your teen should say instead, phrased as an “I-statement.”To create an “I-statement,” alter the language so that it’s all said in terms of your teenager and how they feel.For instance, “You’re always nagging me about my chores” might become “I’m unhappy because I have a full schedule and I feel chores are being laid on me.” “You’re so unfair” might be better phrased as “I’m frustrated because I feel the rules are being made without my input.”An “I-statement” like this is a much more respectful way of expressing your emotions and needs. But your teen is going to need some guidance from you before they master this. Don’t get discouraged! Mistakes are just a part of parenting with patience. Ask your teens to collaborate with you and have them create their own “I-statements.”Understanding Why Teens RebelThe rebellious nature of teens can provide a barrier to parenting with patience. Where are some areas in which your teenager is rebelling? Write down as many of the rebellious things your teen is doing as you can think of. Judy told me that rebellion always happens around an issue where the parent has drawn a “line in the sand,” or has made a very firm rule that something will “not be tolerated.” When teens don’t have anything to rebel against, she says, they don’t rebel at all.Now, spend a few minutes thinking about how your own teens rebel. Write how you could change each item so it expresses what you believe without limiting your teen’s autonomy. For instance, “Drugs will not be tolerated” could be changed to something like, “In my life, I’ve found that drugs do more harm than good, but you are free to live your own life however you choose.” When it comes to dealing with teenage rebels, parenting with patience is about focusing on what you believe, not on what you will or won’t “allow” your teen to do. By putting the ball in their court, you give them a sense of autonomy and responsibility rather than a sense of prohibition.Practicing Patience in Times of ConflictJudy told me that parenting with patience requires you to cool off before talking to your teenager about something that’s making them mad. If you find yourself getting angry during any conversation with your teenager, excuse yourself from the talk and go cool off. Coming into an argument with a confrontational and emotional attitude won’t solve any problems. Patient parenting calls for a calm and collected demeanor.Judy recommends keeping a specific place that is dedicated to cooling off. Yours could be a meditation cushion, or a yoga mat, or a certain corner of your room. Sometimes, you might even need to get out of the house. Going out for a walk could be a helpful respite from an emotional or volatile conversation. Cooling down is an important part of parenting with patience because it sets an example for your teen that emotions are completely valid, yet, need to be managed in a way that is healthy so that you can manifest positive actions.Take a moment and plan what your cool-off routine will be. Where will you go? What will you do? What will you say? What will you think about? Studies show that you’ll cool off more efficiently if you have a dedicated space and pre-set routine. The dedicated space and routine will condition you to come to a more still and mindful place that’s more conducive to parenting with patience.In this episode, Judy was able to share a few insightful anecdotes from her personal life and taught me some awesome non-punitive parenting strategies from her book Discipline without Distress and Parenting with Patience. You'll learn to:Reduce the reasons for rebellingTeach your teen to express their emotions calmlyManage your own anger at your teenExpress your needs to your teenager more clearlyRespond to swearing and foul languageUse “I-statements” effectivelyComfort your teen during emotional timesWhen your teens grow into being their own person, they will have thoughts and feelings that will be so much more different from your own. As a parent going through life, you’ll most certainly have your own feelings about the way that they choose to live their life. And that is okay. Even in times of conf...