Suanne Kowal Connelly, author of Parenting Through Puberty, reveals when to start talking about puberty, how to start the conversation, and the important topics to discuss. Suanne also explains how to use techniques from Motivational Interviewing to improve your effectiveness during these talks.Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation.Full show notesWatching teenagers going through puberty can feel like a serious loss of control. Not only are you seeing your teen go through intense physical changes, but you’re bearing witness as their personality evolves every single day. One day you wake up and they’re not only taller than you, but hanging out with kids you’ve never met and using slang you don’t understand! The social and emotional changes going on inside them are like nothing they’ve ever felt before—and like nothing you’ve ever had to deal with as a parent.These changes are occurring because teenagers going through puberty are preparing themselves for independent adult life. You want your teenager to ride this evolutionary wave and become a functional, autonomous adult—but allowing them to have independence is terrifying! What do you do when your teen begins staying out late with their friends, driving, forming romantic relationships, and making their own decisions?As our teenagers are going through puberty, it’s important to talk to them about values and behavior so they can become strong, happy adults. It can be hard to have these talks, but they are so valuable when it comes to protecting teens’ well-being! We want teenagers going through puberty to be independent and make their own choices, but without guidance, they might end up making choices they regret.Today’s guest is Dr. Suanne Kowal Connelly, author of Parenting Through Puberty: Mood Swings, Acne, and Growing Pains. She’s helped kids and parents as a pediatrician for over 30 years, and sits on several counsels for the American Academy of Pediatrics. She’s not only an academic professional in the field of child development, but has also been at the wheel herself as the mother of three adult sons.A Doctor and A Mom!In fact, Dr. Connelly originally decided to write a book about teenagers going through puberty when she noticed a certain disparity between her experiences as a mother and a pediatrician. As a mom, she would constantly hear other mothers brag about how successful or healthy their kids were. In her practice, however, she found that the majority of parents tended to be insecure about their child’s physical, social, mental and emotional progress; things that they couldn’t control. As a doctor, Suanne discovered what worries parents the most about teenagers going through puberty. As a mother, she realized just how afraid adults are to talk about those worries.Knowing that many parents were embarrassed to discuss these anxieties, she decided to become a public voice that could offer solutions to common worries. She resolved to use her knowledge from years of working with teens as a health professional and a mother to help put parents everywhere at ease.In this episode, Dr. Connelly shares tips on how to help parents with teenagers going through puberty navigate the physical aspect of these changes, and so much more. She starts by answering the common query about when parents should step in and begin having conversations with teenagers about their developing bodies.A Secret Tell-Tale Sign of PubertyInterestingly, Suanne says the best time to start talking to teenagers about puberty is when you notice a change in their foot size! She explains that teenagers grow from the outside in, and their feet and hands are generally the first to get bigger. When you observe a change in the size of your kid’s feet, this means they are in the beginning stage of teenagers going through puberty.So, your teenager has outgrown their third pair of sneakers this month and you’re off to the shoe store again. It might be time to finally address their physical transformation. You want to reach out to them...but you’re not quite sure how to talk to teenagers going through puberty.As a doctor, Suanne gives “the talk” every day. It’s not the same “talk” you might be thinking of, in which parents give their teens information about the birds and the bees. Instead, this “talk” is more of an interview. It’s the time of a pediatric exam when the doctor takes a teen or pre-teen aside from their parents and asks them about substance use, sexual activity, and social life, among other things. Delivering these talks for so many years has helped Suanne understand how to talk to teenagers going through puberty.And she’s here to share them with you!The Big QuestionI start by asking Dr. Connelly the million dollar question: how do we start these conversations with teenagers going through puberty? Instead of asserting yourself to start a conversation about puberty teenage years, Dr. Connelly recommends asking your teenager for permission first. Asking your teenager if they’re comfortable talking about what’s going on with them helps you seem more approachable. It also allows them to feel comfortable, like they have a certain control over the conversation. They’ll be more receptive to talking about themselves and their experiences if they’ve agreed to do so first.Motivational InterviewingThis is part of an approach to counseling called motivational interviewing. This emerging technique is highly recommended by the American Association of Pediatrics, and is one of the most promising methods for counseling of any kind—but especially for having tough talks with teenagers going through puberty. It stresses the practice of empathy, a lack of judgment, and positive reinforcement.It may sound complicated, but it's actually very simple! I’ll walk you through the basics.Say you want to talk to your teen about the dangers of smoking or vaping.Start out by asking your teenager if they would be open to a conversation on the subject. By asking them first, you’re sending them the message that the two of you are on the same level and providing a safe space. You’re showing them respect and in doing so, gaining trust.If they agree to a discussion, you can ask them some questions about smoking: do they smoke or vape? Do their friends smoke or vape? How do they feel about the idea of smoking overall?The next thing to focus on when responding to these questions is positive reinforcement. If your child says that their friends smoke and vape but they don’t, praise them for their ability to maintain their integrity in the face of peer pressure. That’s not easy, and they should be recognized for their strength of character. But at the same, refrain from judging or scolding your teenager as much as you can because negative reinforcement is not as healthy.But how do you positively reinforce behavior you don’t agree with, such as smoking? You don’t. You want to hold off on judgment and use empathy instead. In many cases, teens get into smoking due to peer pressure, a force that parents like Suanne can totally relate to and empathize with. Many parents can feel pressured from other parents to conform to certain ideas about raising children. And I think everyone has felt pressured to change an opinion based on what coworkers and friends might think.Teachable ...

Paul Angone, author of 101 Questions You Need to Ask In Your Twenties, discusses the process of finding your identity and your unique "secret sauce" to bring to the world. The key is to push teens to take on increasingly more responsibility in their lives while also taking the right kinds of risks.Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation.Full show notesSimilarities between Adolescence and Your 20sWhile at times we feel freed from the teenage identity issues that held us back in our youth, there are moments in our adult life when we feel just as small and humiliated as we did at 16. It’s undeniable that recovering from hardship can gradually make you more resilient and able to face challenges. If dealt with healthily, lessons learned from hardship can inspire creative and professional pursuits later in life. However, you must first develop the maturity and introspective skills to be able to look back and laugh, knowing that you’re wiser because of the mistakes you’ve made.A variety of pressures can contribute to teenage identity issues. While it’s not necessary for a teen to decide what they want to do with their lives at 14, it’s at this age teens begin thinking about how their grades, extracurricular activities, and hobbies can determine what they do with their future. Comparing your teen's successes to those of peers can further complicate this issue.Is it bad that your teen is only focusing on soccer while their friend plays two sports while also putting in volunteer hours? It can be damaging to a teen’s self esteem to give in to comparing themself to their peers. While healthy competition between teens can be used as a motivational tool, comparing often gives way to feelings of inferiority. Instead of motivating a teen to work harder, it might cause them to have a “why should I even try?” attitude.As a parent, you should avoid telling your teen what to do with their life because they might directly rebel against you or feel like their choices belong to you, not to them. It’s a tricky line you walk as a parent; you want to help them through any teenage identity issues by showing them their unrealized strengths, yet still give them freedom. Teenagers crave control and it would disservice your relationship if you were to push them too hard—but what if their lack of motivation is getting in the way of their success?For Paul Angone, the answer to these teenage identity issues came in the form of a question––101 to be exact. Often labeled as a one of the "leading voices to millenials,” Angone is the author of 101 Questions You Need to Ask in Your Twenties (And Let's Be Honest, Your Thirties too). He has also studied the generational differences between Millenials and Baby Boomers, and started the popular blog All Groan Up a place for those asking “what now?”In this episode, we discuss how Paul uses 101 questions to help teens discover who they are, to use success and failure to shape (but not define) your future, and to recognize the false facades social media often presents as reality. Though this book focuses on your 20s, in this interview we dive into how reading this book during adolescence can actually be a “cheat sheet” to overcoming teenage identity issues and determining what you want to do with your future.Finding your Secret Sauce and Learning from FailuresPaul talks at length about teenage identity issues and the process of finding your “secret sauce.” This sauce is a combination of your god-given strengths as well as strengths you’ve acquired by persevering through hard times. For example, your teen may be naturally gifted at math but what really makes them unique is how failing a history test forced them to study harder than ever before. Getting a good grade in history meant more to your teen than excelling in math because their hard work actually paid off. Your teen’s secret sauce is not only what they’re naturally gifted at but the work they are willing to put in to gain new strengths.The key to encouraging teens to take on more responsibilities is teaching them to take the right kind of risks. You need to help them get out of their comfort zones and try something they are afraid of without causing teenage identity issues. It’s important to show your teen everything they can gain from taking a risk––new friends, new exciting experiences, a more well-rounded outlook on life.Paul recognizes that while getting your teen to try new things may be challenging, the reward oftentimes outweighs the risk. Things that seem unfamiliar and intimidating can end up being formative experiences for teens. Say your kid is unsure of whether they want to go to tennis camp or not. Perhaps this is the first time they’ll be away from you for a week. There’s a chance that they won’t like the other kids or that they’ll realize they’re the worst tennis player there. But maybe, being the “worst” will force them to work harder than everyone else and to learn from older kids who were once in their place.Like taking risks, assigning new responsibilities to teens doesn’t come without its struggles. There may be times your teen will fail because they are unfamiliar with handling big responsibilities of their own. It’s tempting as a parent to automatically drop everything and take some of the stress off their teen’s hands. In order to help kids overcome teenage identity issues, Paul urges you to not succumb to this temptation right away. He states that you need to determine how big this fall is going to be and how much it’ll be worth it to come out on the other side a more capable person.Most of the time, experiencing new things or taking on a new responsibility is not as scary as it seems. Part of overcoming teenage identity issues is dependent on how much they learn from new experiences or even failures. Sometimes the risks they take may even lead to their greatest achievements.Social Media Pressures on Teen IdentityPaul also touches on the role that social media plays in contributing to teenage identity issues. He discusses the idea of Obsessive Comparison Disorder, which is perceived success that other people are displaying online. Paul has figured out a whole new dimension to the fears that arise from the presence of social media in a teen’s life, and in this episode he dives in to how parents can help reduce the impact it has on their kid.Of course no one wants to reveal their greatest insecurities online. But teens aren’t wired to see this when they’re looking at a picture on Instagram of someone winning 1st place, or at prom with their beautiful girlfriend, or getting accepted to their first pick of college. They only see what they don’t have. In this episode, Paul explains how parents can help teens understand the false facades of social media along with other tactics to overcoming teenage identity issues, including…Helping your teens find their soul values-- core beliefs that drive their future decisionsDetermining what your teens are and aren’t willing to sacrifice for successTeaching your kids to think before they postThis was a very uplifting and therapeutic episode that really gets you to think about personal growth you’ve made since your teen years. I hope that this 43 minute discussion with Paul Angone will help you share with your kids how hard times and failures in life can help them overcome teenage identity is...

Todd Cartmell, author of 8 Simple Tools for Raising Great Kids, explains how to get a strong bond with a teenager and then use this as a home base to redirect them to a better way. He says you need to start by fixing your relationship with the teen, then their behavior will follow.Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation.Full show notesConnect Then RedirectParents of teens are all too familiar with this scenario: You want to find ways to build a strong bond with your teen but you’re often met with indifference. You try to think of simple, non-invasive questions that might get them to engage with you. “How’s school?” “Who’s that girl you’ve been hanging out with?” “What did you and Jason see at the movies?” And you’re met with one word responses: “good,” “no one,” “I don’t know.” Maybe all you get is silence because they don’t even bother to take out their headphones.It’s understandable; your kids do not want to talk to you about who they have a crush on or why they’re fighting with their best friend. We can all remember feeling embarrassed by our parents. Thinking every little thing they say is annoying, believing that everything they do is an attempt to completely control our lives. But now that you’re a parent, you probably feel differently.This constant battle to find ways to build a strong bond with your teenage kids can feel frustrating and even hurtful at times. You try so hard to not just be their protector but their confidant, to show them how much you care and want to be there for them. You want your teens to come to you with their problems, but your eagerness to help might make them run the other way.Obviously, it’s important to help steer your teen in the right direction when they are facing the many challenges, peer pressures, and awkward situations that come with adolescence. You want them to make responsible choices and be respectful towards others but how can you find ways to build a strong bond with your teen if they won’t open up to you?Todd Cartmell has some solutions for this. In addition to being a clinical child psychologist, Cartmell is the author of 8 Simple Tools for Raising Great Kids. This book discusses various ways to build a strong bond with your teen by partaking in simple, leisurely activities that help develop a mutual respect between parent and child.Manifesting Time TogetherHaving raised two boys, Cartmell uses his parenting experiences to pinpoint ways to build a strong bond with your teen. He explains that before delving into conversations about “the hard stuff,” you first have to focus on creating an enjoyable environment for them. This translates into doing activities that they enjoy, not just stuff that you like to do.Instead of forcing them to go shopping or watch football, which they might find excruciatingly boring, seek out an activity that your teen is interested in. For example, Cartmell saw that though he himself found little joy in playing Mario Kart, it was a game that his boys loved to play. He realized that it didn’t matter whether he liked playing the game or not. You have to find ways to build a strong bond with your teen in a setting that they are comfortable in—even if that means spending an entire afternoon being brutally beaten at video games.Parent’s must realize that as their kids grow older and find new interests, opportunities to spend quality time with them become more scarce. Cartmell reiterates that participating in seemingly one-sided activities can actually be a tool for developing camaraderie with your kids. He states that these activities often serve as catalysts for more important conversations to come up. Manifesting opportunities to have fun with your kids will help them see you in a more positive light and will in turn make them more willing to listen when it comes to having more difficult conversations.Operant Conditioning and the Pour On TechniqueCartmell discusses the benefits of using operant conditioning techniques with teenagers, which are associations between particular behaviors and the positive or negative consequences that follow. These techniques are especially helpful when it comes to distilling values and finding ways to build a strong bond with your teen. He encourages parents to sit down with their teens and mutually agree on specific values to work on, such as integrity or respect. You must then show your teen how learning these values can benefit them in multiple facets of their life. For example, when discussing the values of respect you must establish that it’s not only a crucial element of teen-parent relationships, it’s also important in any friendship or romantic relationship. Showing them the social worth in these values may increase the effectiveness that these conversations have on them.Cartmell also discusses a method he calls the Pour on Technique. After you’ve discussed why values such as respect are important, the Pour on Technique then requires you to focus on High Frequency. This means being extremely attentive in identifying when your teen is acting in a respectful manner and consistently praising them for doing so. Responding at a High Frequency means you need to notice every time they are being respectful, not just 25% of the time. This teaches them to always associate respectful behavior with a reward, whether that be increased privileges or positive feedback on your behalf.Cartmell also emphasizes the importance of complimenting teens in a concrete way that specifically identifies what they’ve done right and why you appreciate it so much. Rather than simply saying “Good job!” say “I really appreciate that you cleaned the dishes after I only asked you one time.” Specifically identifying positive behaviors and complimenting them for it are great ways to build a strong bond with your teen and encourage them to continue practicing good habits.Creating No-Judgement ZonesIn addition to spending time doing activities your teens enjoy, Cartmell urges you to find ways to build a strong bond with your teen that are intellectually stimulating without being intimidating. He states that it’s important for families to create no-judgement zones where teens can practice conversational skills and develop opinions on various topics.Cartmell suggests a game where all participants sit in a circle and one person holds an object, such as a red ball. Whoever’s holding the ball has the floor to share their views on a given topic. Once they're done, the next one with the ball is only allowed to share their opinion once they’ve summarized everything the last person said. This teaches your teen that in order to be heard, they in turn have to give the same respect and attentiveness to others.Bonding Exercises and Correcting Bad HabitsIn this interview, Cartmell further discusses exercises for encouraging positive habits and ways to build a strong bond with your teen. Other topics we cover include:Developing the foundation for a strong and trusting parent-teen relationshipDetermining when and how to approach hard subjects with your kidsIdentifying the root of your teen’s bad habits and changing them...

David McGlynn, author of "One Day You'll Thank Me" along with two other books, gets candid about tough talks. By stepping up and doing the awkward talks with his own kids, McGlynn developed some important insights about how to approach the toughest parenting conversations.Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation.Full show notesHow do you keep a straight face when your 12-year-old son calls his younger brother a “humongous dick weed?” Of course it’s not okay, but it can be a little hard not to laugh.Starting difficult conversation with teens in moments like this can prevent small problems from turning into bigger ones. If you fail to do so, you might find yourself called into the principal’s office from work because your son got in trouble for swearing at his classmates.This is what happened with David McGlynn and his boys. David is an associate professor of English at Lawrence University, and an award-winning author of three books: The End of the Straight and Narrow, A Door in the Ocean, and One Day You’ll Thank Me: Lessons From an Unexpected Fatherhood. He has written for Men’s Health, Real Simple, Parents, The New York Times, Swimmer, Best American Sports Writing, and numerous other literary journals. He has amazing stories to share, especially when it comes to starting difficult conversation with teens.Honest RelationshipsDavid’s third book, One Day You’ll Thank Me, shares many humorous anecdotes from his life raising two boys. What all of these stories boil down to, though, is one relatable struggle of a father trying to connect with his sons. When starting difficult conversation with teens, he found that it was important to have a strong connection first. Creating a strong connection with teenagers, though, is easier said than done.Teenagers will do almost anything to avoid trouble with parents. They are especially well-versed in lying to get out of trouble. Research on teenage truthfulness shows that most teens lie to their parents. David was no exception, and he relates his experiences as a boy to his own sons.As a teenager David was always willing to lie to get out of trouble with his mom. The one person he never lied to, though, was his dad. I really wanted to know the secret to this relationship that allowed such openness with his father.David had an unusual relationship with his father. He only saw his dad four weeks out of the year growing up. Most conversations they had were via payphone. Cramped in a small phonebooth, talking through a wire, David says he felt like he was in a confessional booth. Starting difficult conversation with teens was easy with his dad because there was a sense of anonymity due to their physical distance. This alone is not what produced David’s honesty, however.What David’s dad did that made him feel like he could be honest and open was NOT JUDGE. David says that his father always was, and still is, calm. Starting difficult conversation with teens was easier for David because his dad would never yell at, shame, or criticize him. With kindness and patience, his dad taught him over the phone how to be more truthful.David’s dad taught him that parents should be calm, non-judgmental, and ready to listen before starting difficult conversation with teens.Most parents, though, aren’t starting difficult conversation with teens via payphone. So, what is some more practical advice for parents?Why Don’t Teens Wanna Talk? It Could be TechAs a teacher, David learned that starting difficult conversation with teens was easier when parents empathized with the awkwardness. In his classroom, David has found that face-to-face conversations among his students had become more rare. Discussions were happening more and more over text messages, and he believes an element of connectedness is lost in this change. He observes that teens are using texting as a way of avoiding awkwardness in relationships.Teens are awkward people, highly emotional, and sensitive. As they are still developing their social skills, starting difficult conversation with teens face-to-face can be a source of anxiety for them. Because of this, a lot of teens seem to be reverting to texting as a way to avoid awkwardness in conversations. Inadvertently, they can be missing out on opportunities to learn important social skills such as intimacy, trust, and reading others’ social cues. This can affect how willing teens are to embrace awkward, albeit serious, conversations at home.David points out that no matter how much tech we put between us and other people, we are still human beings! We need strong, in-person relationships. He says that there is something powerful about looking someone in the eye and saying,“I know this is not an easy topic, but it’s something we need to talk about.”I love this because it ties in so well with our research at Talking to Teens!Embrace the AwkwardSomething we teach parents at Talking to Teens is to embrace the awkward and frame the awkward as a sign of love. Parents must acknowledge that although certain topics are awkward for both parties, starting difficult conversation with teens about these topics are necessary.When it was time for David to talk to his boys about sex, he felt awkward and scared. He had found “searches” on the family iPad, and knew that his 8-year-old son was beginning to get adventurous in his online searches. He knew the talk was necessary, but was so afraid of messing up and making his boys feel uncomfortable about the topic.“If I screw this up, they’ll never listen to me again…”To find a way to make “the talk” less awkward, he asked his students about their “talks” with their parents.Unanimously, his students responded by saying how awkward it was! Apparently, no parent had found a way to make the talk not awkward. David thought his students were being useless and unhelpful, until he realized:“No matter what I do, the conversation is going to be awkward! Great!”So David had the conversation with his boys, and it was very awkward, and it was great.David says that the awkwardness was actually a gift! He explains it was good to brave the awkwardness and step up and do the talk––That’s what parents do. He relates it to the way that we don’t love disciplining our kids, but we know that our kids need to face consequences every once in a while.Kids need to know that awkward conversations are normal, and it’s okay to just put them out there. The hope, David says, is that our children might come back later and share other awkward things that are going on so parents can help. Plus, he wants his boys to be confident that he and his wife will always be open to starting difficult conversation with teens no matter how awkward.So Many ApplicationsOf course there are lots of nuances to starting difficult conversation with teens d...

Brandilyn Tebo, bestselling author of The Achievement Trap and a retreat leader and life coach, says it's important for parents to help teens develop a practice of unconditional self love. This episode is full of word-for-word scripts you can use to make it happen with your own teenager.Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation.Full show notesA fear of shame can be pretty darn motivating. We can place our teens’ worth in their accomplishments, like a carrot in front of a bunny rabbit, and get some impressive results from them. However, if they stumble and mess up, our teens will experience shame.If our teenager’s sense of self-worth tied directly to their achievements, they might feel unworthy of love after falling short. When teens feel this shame, they can sometimes try to cope with dangerously self-destructive behavior. But if we don’t motivate our teens with an innate fear of shame, how can we be sure they’re inspired enough to achieve success on their own? Are there ways to help teens build a sense of self-worth that will inspire them to be successful?I’m here with the amazing transformational coach, Brandilyn Tebo, to provide the answer!I was definitely eager to hear if she knew some ways to help teens build a sense of self-worth. Brandilyn is the author of The Achievement Trap: The Overachiever, People-Pleaser, and Perfectionist’s Guide to Freedom and True Success. She believes everything we do should be a joyful form of self-expression, and not a fearful form of self-justification. She travels the world teaching empowerment workshops to high schools, prisons, colleges, and Fortune 500 companies. Her website features a blog, and a podcast, and all of her knowledge is backed by research!The Achievement TrapThe idea that you’re only good enough by virtue of your accomplishments is what Brandilyn calls The Achievement Trap.The Achievement Trap tells us that being worthy of love is not our birthright. It’s a belief that Brandilyn finds highly objectionable, because as social creatures, humans need to feel loved. She wants all of us, especially teens, to learn that we are worthy of love regardless of our level of success.When pursuing ways to help teens build a sense of self-worth, parents need to identify their own self-esteem issues that’ve been passed on to their offspring. Brandilyn explains that the Achievement Trap is an inherited belief system that parents pass on to future generations, mainly out of love! This is because parents believe that if they ignore the value of success when pressuring their children, then their kids will fail to make anything with their lives. She understands this parental fear, that kids will be unhappy and unfulfilled if they are not motivated to be successful.It’s so easy to believe that the best ways to help teens build a sense of self-worth are through pressure tactics. If your teen isn’t pressured to get straight-As, doesn’t that mean they will be less likely to have success and happiness? This isn’t what Brandilyn believes. A perfect report card is not the best predictor of success, and it’s a terrible predictor of happiness.Choosing Who You Want to BeYes, there are worthy benefits to having academic success. However, Brandilyn is confident that straight-As can be a byproduct of a healthier goal, and not the goal itself. There are ways to help teens build a sense of self-worth free from the fear of failure.Brandilyn believes that in order to find ways to help teens build a sense of self-worth, we need to teach them to choose who they want to be in every moment. Teens need to know that they don’t have to get straight-As to prove they value their education. They can choose to be a curious learner regardless of the results.One of the most effective ways to help teens build a sense of self-worth is to teach them that results don’t actually matter. Results are irrelevant to how teens perceive themselves. In fact, Brandilyn points out that if you are being who you want to be “in the moment,” then the results will show up. If a teen chooses to be a curious learner, they will probably learn and get a good grade.This might sound like wishful thinking, but this alternative idea to The Achievement Trap is what Brandilyn’s research and teaching is all about!The “Secret to Happiness”Brandilyn swears that ways to help teens build a sense of self-worth begin with a simple idea. She says the idea of being committed to something and simultaneously unattached to the results is the “secret to happiness.” But how do you learn to be unattached to the results of something you’re committed to?There’s nuance between being committed to your teen get straight-As, and ensuring your teen values learning. When your commitment is to a perfect report card, both you and your teen will feel ashamed when they come home with a B. When the commitment is to the learning itself, though, you will both have the freedom to address the sub-perfect report card free of shame!Among the most valuable ways to help teens build a sense of self-worth is refraining from placing too much importance on grades. If you criticize your teen for getting a B, they might be more motivated to get an A, but that is different from being more motivated to learn. If your teen is afraid of the shame of a B, what’s to stop them from cheating to get the A? If your commitment is instead to the value of learning, then the B means something totally different! Instead of the grade being a failure, it becomes an opportunity to grow. You can say:“Hey, nice work. I can see you’re learning. What might you do differently to learn more next semester? What is hard to learn about this subject?”This detaches the grade from the child’s sense of self-worth. It still emphasizes that learning is important, but it does so without attacking your teen as a bad learner. If you are unattached from the idea of a perfect report card, you have the freedom to be curious about what your teen is struggling with. You can inspire your teen to overcome obstacles by reinforcing their identity as a good, curious learner.To free ourselves up to have these conversations and find ways to help teens build a sense of self-worth, Brandilyn notes an important step that parents ought to consider…Sourcing the FearBrandilyn explains that we’ve all been programmed to motivate ourselves through fear and shame. We are taught them as supposedly proven ways to help teens build a sense of self-worth. She believes that as a parent, though, the best thing you can do is look within yourself. In what ways are you still holding onto beliefs about The Achievement Trap?Your kids are going to be affected by your behavior around this belief system. It’s important to look out for ways they’re picking up leftover beliefs about The Achievement Trap, and addressing them. The best question you can ask, according to Brandilyn, is:“Who are you afraid of losing love from?...

Amy Morin, bestselling author of 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do, and a leading expert on how to instill grit and emotional strength in children, discusses lessons she learned from her years as a foster parent to dozens of children and as a psychologist who helps families through difficult transitions.Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation.Full show notesAt some point your child may have to deal with the sudden loss of a job, or a friend, or even you or your spouse. If your kid isn’t prepared to deal with fear and other hard emotions in life, these big events can be devastating. Being unable to deal with hardship can lead to addictive and self-destructive behaviors. How do you prepare your kids for the hardest moments in life?Some hardships in life you just can’t predict, but there are still steps you can take to prepare. Your teen doesn’t know when a grandparent is going to be diagnosed with an illness, but you can teach your teen about resilience through a mental toughness activity. More often than not, teaching your kid mental toughness is knowing when to role model, and when to step back and let them learn on their own. It’s a fine line!To help understand what actions parents can take to help their child with mental toughness, I spoke with Amy Morin. Amy is one of the world’s leading experts on mental strength, and she is all about practical advice. Her TED Talk has over 13 million views and is one of the 30 most popular talks of all time. It sheds light on what a true mental toughness activity looks like. She is a foster parent with incredible stories about resilience, and the author of the international bestseller, 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do.On this episode I got to talk to her about her new book, 13 Things Mentally Strong Parents Don’t Do. (Yes, Parents, specifically.)At this point, some of you might be asking, “Wait, I thought this was about mental strength for kids?”Teenage Resistance to Behavior ModificationIt’s true, Amy wrote this book because one of the top questions she got from the first was, “What’s a mental toughness activity for kids that actually works?”Amy agrees that this is a valid question. Kids don’t go to kindergarten and first grade to learn a mental toughness activity, but they are immediately swamped with homework and the fear of messing up.Kids need to learn cognitive social skills earlier. Studies show that kids in college feel academically prepared, but lack the social and emotional skills to deal with stress, loneliness, and other new life problems. If school isn’t teaching a mental toughness activity at all, parents are left responsible for teaching kids resilience. This is okay!Amy points out that, as a parent, you probably know your kid’s tendencies better than anyone. This also means that your kid is aware of your tendencies as a parent. When children enter the teen years, they are sensitively tuned into the ways you might try to modify their behavior and often pull away. It’s going to be tricky to teach a mental toughness activity (or any life lesson) if they’re trying to differentiate from you.Studies show the need for teenage autonomy peaks at 14. Having autonomy means grasping for your own authority. It can be threatening for parents when their household authority is questioned by teens in a power struggle. How do you keep control when your teenager is pushing back more and more?Amy says it’s important for a parent to show they’re in charge, but that they value their kid’s opinion. Ultimately, teenage pushback is going to ruffle your feathers, but if you can keep your cool and your values, it can be an opportunity to role model mental toughness. Amy believes that modeling values is an effective, albeit subliminal, mental toughness activity.Role Modeling ValuesWhy is mental toughness so hard to teach to a teenager?Bad situations are opportunities to make a good choice as a parent. How you respond to negative situations communicates your values. You just have to clarify what life lesson you’re trying to impart. This isn’t always easy!Amy gives an example of a dad who told his son to clean up his toys before the rain came or he would throw them out. The son disobeyed the dad, and the toys got rained on. Now the dad had to decide whether or not he would go forward on his word. He didn’t want to throw his son’s toys out, but he also didn’t want to have to apologize to his son for saying something he didn’t mean.Amy firmly believes, though, that if you underscore the life lesson you want to teach, you will know what you have to do. Parents shouldn’t be afraid to apologize to their kids.If parents can role model overcoming fear of apologizing to their children, it will be a lot easier to teach teens to overcome fear when they encounter it. If teens see you facing your fear, they’ll be a little bit more receptive when you try to engage them in a mental toughness activity.Teaching Teens to Tolerate FearTeaching your kid a mental toughness activity to tolerate fear will help them grow in resilience, and be more prepared for stressful situations as an adult.You might think that teens have no fear. They’re trying drugs and driving cars too fast, but they are still scared to do things like give a presentation or admit their mistakes.You might think you’re doing them a favor by saying,“It’s not a big deal.”“That presentation will be over before you know it. Don’t even worry about it.”But minimizing teens’ fears doesn’t help them learn about overcoming obstacles!Amy says a conversation can help so much. Asking a teen about his or her worries shows that fear isn’t something to be minimized, but something that they need to go through. When you are validating your teen’s fears and giving them your attention, you will find the opportunity to teach him or her a mental toughness activity. Amy even offers some examples of healthy ways teens can cope with their discomfort.Takeaways for Parents!When the hardest days in life happen, facing your emotions can be terrifying. Amy has learned from painful life experiences that you should not let fear stop you.There’s no one mental toughness activity that can fully prepare a person for grief and loss, but there are tools and strategies that you can give your kids for when that day comes. Sometimes, you might find a mental toughness activity that your teen eagerly adopts. Other times the best you can do is be a role model! Either way, every teen is different and needs their own mental toughness activity that works for them. Thankfully, Amy knows what she’s talking about and has a lot that she’s willing to share. Other topics we discuss in this interview include:Why kids need to be bored sometimesLetting your kid learn how to fail“Speak Up or Shut Up” - the art of walking this fine lineYour kid with authoritiesHow to set good rules in the houseShared journalingParents on learning tech savvinessThe effe...

Lucy Maddox, author of Blueprint: How Childhood Makes Us Who We Are, discusses the fascinating science of why social experiences are also heightened during the teenage years. In this episode she reveals what you should teach your teen about friendships and relationships.Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation.Full show notesAfter all these years, you think you’d know your kid, but there seems to be no end to the surprises, bombshells, and blind turns! Just when you assume your teenager will behave one way, they start doing what you’d never expect. As a parent, you know that teens make often make irresponsible decisions, change their opinions like T-shirts, and behave in ways that generally don’t seem to make any sense at all.So. what the heck is going on inside the adolescent brain?! Without knowing what’s going on under the hood, we never know if our will listen to our conversations or discount them as “uncool” before embarking on their own program. It can feel impossible to decode the adolescent brain and understand teenagers’ motivations.However, there is a way to help the adolescent brain develop the right decision-making tools, so our teens are prepared for a life good choices. The answer comes down to having the right approach. If we can educate ourselves on the right way to talk to a teenager, we can avoid pursuing strategies that simply fail in the end.My guest in this episode is Lucy Maddox, author of Blueprint: How Childhood Makes Us Who We Are. She also has her own psychology practice in Bristol, England, where she works one-on-one with kids and teens every day. As a writer, university lecturer, and expert in cognitive behavioral therapy, she is a great source of knowledge for how we can understand the adolescent brain and use that understanding to become better parents.Molding the Adolescent Brain for SuccessThe first thing parents need to know about molding the adolescent brain is how flexible it is. For example, Lucy’s book examines how we experience a phenomenon called an “adolescent memory bump.” This refers to the way memories from the adolescent brain are recalled much more vividly or intensely than memories of other times in our lives. The adolescent brain is very impressionable, and the experiences we have during this time can stay with us for a lifetime. That’s why it’s important to guide our teens through this period, so that they can enter into adulthood happy and functional.Lucy has done a lot of research into how we can shape the adolescent brain with conversations about tricky topics—with some pretty interesting results.She starts by critically examining how we often focus on our children’s behavior. Often, we help our kids make good choices by rewarding or punishing them for good and bad actions. Sometimes, in doing this, we forget to talk to them about the values at work behind their decisions. According to Lucy, these value discussions are some of the most important talks we can have with our kids, because they go deeper than the surface. Instead of just scolding or praising them for their behavior, we are providing them with guidelines for how to approach any situation.It harkens back to the classic idea of teaching a man to fish. If you give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. But if you can teach him how to fish, he’ll be able to feed himself for the foreseeable future! If we simply tell kids how to act, our words may stick for a moment but likely will not last in their heads. By teaching your teen to have strong values, they’ll be able to evaluate situations and act according to their moral compass, even when you’re not around.Finding Time to Talk (And Listen!)It’s delicate, however, to find the right time to sit down with our teenagers to talk about such broad and important topics. Research shows that the adolescent brain can be pretty resistant to advice from their parents. Lucy suggests converting these conversations into bite sized pieces and slipping them in during everyday activities. Try talking to your kids about the importance of hard work while driving. Teach them about the importance of kindness while taking a weekly trip to the grocery store.It may seem strange, but by putting less emphasis on the discussion, your teenager is more likely to be receptive to the ideas you’re sharing. By keeping things simple and casual, it’s easier to transmit your message to the adolescent brain. They may not even notice that you are trying to give them serious advice--and this may work to your advantage.Even though they may be difficult, Lucy explains why these kinds of talks are extremely important for the adolescent brain. She and I discuss a study which examined the development of “grit” among teenagers, or their ability to move past obstacles with hard work and dedication. The study revealed that the more support individuals have from their community during adolescence, the more likely they are to successfully deal with hardships that come their way.In fact, it showed evidence that even just one strong relationship during youth helped to keep this ability to persevere strong as teens move into adulthood. As a parent, you have the chance to form that strong relationship with your teenager that will help them persist through anything.An integral part of these discussions is taking the time to listen. Often times, we want to warn our teenagers about everything to stop them from going through all the things that we experienced at their age. While this is important, it’s very valuable to have an open mind to what your child is saying and understand that they are likely experiencing different things than you are. One thing Lucy stresses is not coming into these conversations with everything planned out, but instead letting the conversation be fluid between the two of you.Taking Pressure off The Adolescent BrainRemember that the adolescent brain is under enormous amounts of pressure nowadays. Teenagers have to make decisions on a daily basis about their social lives, academics, and extracurriculars. They’re considering the future, trying to decide who they’re going to be and what they’re going to do with themselves. Everything feels so intense during this period, your teen may feel that one wrong decision can ruin their life. They may need to talk to you about all this confusion and fear.Lucy stresses the importance of reminding them that life is long, and not every choice is as important as it seems. She also promotes the idea of helping your teen identify the positive and negative consequences of every decision. This is another good behavior to teach them that they can carry with them as they go forward in life.According to Lucy, this idea of evaluating pros and cons is helpful for stopping bad behavior as well. Instead of telling a teenager that smoking weed is wrong, talk to them about what happens when they decide to partake in the drug. While they will feel temporary relief from anxiety or may seem cool to their friends (pros), they risk becoming dependent on the substance, becoming distracted, or doing regrettable things under the influence (cons). By addressing the pros along with the cons, you’re showing your teenager that you understand, instead of just bossing them around.In the episode, Lucy discusses these ideas and more. She breaks down just how the adolescent brain is thinking. Although it may seem ...

Neal Thompson, author of Kickflip Boys, discusses the drama of raising rebellious and defiant teenagers. He reveals some of the strategies he found that worked for getting through to his kids in the end and talks about how he coped with the rebellious years.Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation.Full show notesAre your boundary lines being crossed like hopscotch? Maybe this problem goes beyond the house, too. Your teen could harbor a greater rebellion towards authority than you know…Without knowing how to deal with teenage defiance, these behaviors can spiral out of control. They might be skipping classes, dissenting coaches and teachers, and even experimenting with drugs and alcohol in risky ways.Whatever the cause of this behavior, the stress can leave you understandably wondering how to deal with teenage defiance.This can feel like a lonely situation for a parent. However, the guest I’m here to speak with today insists you are in fact NOT alone, and there ARE things you as a parent can do. You can learn how to deal with teenage defiance!Neal Thompson is a father of two wonderful and rebellious boys, and he captures his inspiring story in his book Kickflip Boys: A Memoir of Freedom, Rebellion, and the Chaos of Fatherhood. Neal has learned some valuable lessons on how to deal with teenage defiance in a positive way. A lot of the lessons he credits to his wife.It’s easy to think within the constructs of societal roles that Neal would be the “bad guy” dad, and his wife would be the “comforting” mom, but it wasn’t really like that for him. He explains that he and his wife are equal partners, and they each have a different style of parenting their two boys. Still, it was his wife who found a lot more success in getting their boys to open up.PatienceHere’s a lesson about patience from a skateboarder. Neal loves skateboarding, and was thrilled when his boys got into skateboarding, too. His wife was interested because the boys were interested, but she kept her distance from the skateboarding community. When the “dark side” of the skateboarding community showed its edge in the teenage years, Neal didn’t know how to deal with teenage defiance with patience.When his boys would push back in rebellion, Neal admits his tendency was to instantly go to a place of stress and anger. Neal liked skateboarding culture and was around it all the time, but when the rebellious side came out, he struggled to stay calm. Doing nothing didn’t register as an option when he saw his boys make poor decisions within a culture he loved.It was easier for Neal’s sons to his wife because she had a calmer demeanor. She wouldn’t yell and scream like he would. She knew how to deal with teenage defiance by creating a safe space and listening. You might be asking, though,“What is a safe space, and how do you create it?”A Safe SpaceWhen figuring out how to deal with teenage defiance, Neal noticed that his wife could diminish teenage rebellion by creating safe spaces. Neal explains that to his two boys, being in the car with mom was like being in a protective bubble.What they didn’t necessarily know, was that she would use trips in the car to have conversations. The boys knew a relaxing car ride with mom and her calm demeanor allowed them to relax. Once they could relax, they could open up.What’s interesting about the car is that it provides a shared objective. When everyone is in the car, the objective is to go somewhere. Any conversation that happens is a byproduct of the objective and not “a talk.” This reveals an important point of teenage defiance.A defiant teen will get instantly defensive if you sit him or her down for “a talk.” If the objective is the conversation, and your teen is naturally defiant, then expect pushback and raised voices.In order to create a safe space, it’s important to identify activities that are comfortable for everyone that don’t necessitate conversation. This can be going for a walk, going fishing, or working on the car. Neal and his wife found that if you can disguise your objective to have a conversation with a shared activity, you can lessen their reaction when feedback is provided. This might feel sneaky and deceptive for some parents, so I asked Neal about that, too.Trust and Teen PrivacyParents may be wondering how to deal with teenage defiance when it becomes such a problem that an invasion of your teen’s privacy is necessary. Neal explains his perspective on this with excerpts from his book. He describes a time when he found information about his boys by stealing their phones and doing “stealthy parent work.” With the evolution of technology, this is such an interesting issue, and teens are wondering about it, too.I asked Neal if he thought his “stealthy parent work” backfired when his boys found out. He explained that the goal is never to spy on your kids. That by itself is bad. But you want to keep them safe. As a first line of defense, stealthy parenting is a poor tool. Being a stealthy parent runs the risk of damaging trust in the parent-teen relationship. Neal’s boys were the first to point out his invasion of their privacy.However, when the stakes for his boys were as high as intense drug usage and alcohol, Neal found such deception to be almost necessary. He knows some parents will disagree. He also admits he may have crossed a line in some of the book’s stories. He still believes, though, that stealthy parenting should be a tool kept available for extreme scenarios.In this new age of technology, parents have a lot to learn about how to deal with teenage defiance. What’s important to remember is that the persona of your teen online doesn’t accurately represent who they are in real life.What Does it Mean to be a “Good” KidYou might be wondering how to deal with teenage defiance at home, even though everyone around your teen keeps telling you they are the kindest, most hard-working kid on earth. Are we talking about the same kid?Neal shares a story about how he had a fight with his son one morning. His boy had woken up fairly hungover from a night out, and Neal was mad about that. When his son left for work bagging groceries at the grocery store, Neal was still mad. However, when he stopped by the store later, he was surprised to see that his son had a genuine smile on his face as he helped customers at the counter. It was a side of his son he hadn’t seen before.He realized that just because his son was an extremely rebellious teenager, didn’t mean his son didn’t care. In fact, he was the good kid Neal always thought he was, but just hadn’t had the chance to see.Neal has some unenviable stories in learning how to deal with teenage defiance, but the value of his life lessons goes beyond words. The amount of love he has for his kids really shines, and he definitely has one or two words of knowledge for every parent in this episode.Along with how to deal with teenage defiance, other topics covered include:Getting permission to share stories from his family, and the greater nuances of publicly “airing dirty laundry”Some clarity on birth orde...