Ep 33: Does Your Teen Bully You?

Sean Grover, author of "When Kids Call the Shots", discusses the hidden psychology that leads teenagers to bully their parents and reals simple strategies you can use to regain control from your teenager if you find yourself getting bullied. Sean has identified three main reasons parents get bullied.

Full show notes

Teen Guilt Trips

Ever completely forgotten something that you promised your teen you’d be there for? Maybe you were so busy at work that your kid’s soccer game totally slipped your mind. When you finally get a call from your kid, or realize out of the blue that, “Wait a minute, I’m supposed to be somewhere else right now!” you’ve already missed the whole thing entirely and feel awful. You’ve taught your kid to be accountable and to always follow through when they say they’re going to do something, yet how can you expect this from them if you can’t even do it yourself?

It’s possible that your teen will be forgiving and say that it’s not a big deal—but probably not. If you’re dealing with a dramatic, hormonal teenager there’ll probably be some level of guilt and frustration placed on you. Aren’t teenagers supposed to be the irresponsible ones, not adults? Aren’t you always supposed to be there for them no matter what? In the moment, you might be willing to do anything to make it up to your teen—giving them a boost in their allowance, letting them have a later curfew, buying them a new phone. Sometimes bribery can be the easiest road to forgiveness. But maybe not the wisest.

Feeling overwhelmed by guilt can cause you to give up your control. Furthermore, allowing your teen to make you feel inferior because of a mistake you’ve made can enable your teen to bully you. If you’re looking for the best way to deal with bullies, this episode is for you.

This week on the podcast, we speak with Sean Grover to discuss the best way to deal with bullies who victimize their parents. He is the author of the award-winning book When Kids Call the Shots: How to Seize Control from Your Darling Bully and Enjoy Being a Parent Again. Sean holds workshops around the country and works privately with parents and teens to determine the best way to deal with bullies in whatever form they present themselves. He has mapped out the most common types of bullying that occur in families and has developed specific strategies for exactly how to get your teenager back under control.

Why your Teen is Bullying You

Sean states that to teens, bullying is not about being mean. Your teenager is bullying you in order to manipulate you and get what they want. He or she has realized that they can get things out of you by making you feel bad about yourself.

Sean recounts a teen he worked with who was torturing his mom because she missed his piano recital. When Sean suggested the boy let his mom off the hook, he replied, "If I keep this up, I think I can get a new laptop." Before accusing your teen of being malicious for actions like this, think of where this reaction is coming from. In order to find the best way to deal with bullies, you must first reflect on what you’ve done to promote or enable this kind of behavior.

Guilty, Anxious, and Do Everything Parent Types

In his book, Sean discusses the best way to deal with bullies and three types of parents who often fall victim to such behavior: the Guilty Parent, the Anxious Parent, and the Fix Everything Parent.

Problem:

Guilty Parents blame themselves for their teen’s problems and try to fix them themselves. Their own insecurities often lead them to compare themselves to other parents and try too hard to make their kids happy. This often stems from bad experiences they had in childhood, such as parents who were abusive or too hard on them. Children can pick up on what is specifically making them feel guilty and take advantage of that to get what they want. If the Guilty Parent sees giving rules to their teen as a type of punishment this can worsen their guilt.

Solution:

For this type of parent, the best way to deal with bullies is to first identify what made you feel this way in the first place. You may view yourself as inadequate and therefore don’t have the confidence to stand up to your kid out of fear that they won’t like you for it. Sean states that these types of parents need to realize that teens need boundaries and it’s in their best interest to give that to them.

Problem:

Anxious Parents always see opportunities for failure and want to prevent it at all costs. These parents often rob their kids of discovering new things because they fear the unknown. Teens in this situation may feel that their parent isn’t giving them any freedom and as a result reflects rebellious or angry behavior back.

Solution:

The best way to deal with bullies in this situation, Sean explains, is to create a culture of talking through things before they happen. You can’t prevent all bad things from happening to your teen so it’s best to make sure they’re prepared. Anxious Parents must have conversations with their teen, asking them what they’d do in specific situations and talking through it together in a calm manner. Engaging teens in problem solving activities can ease the lack of control that has caused them to bully.

Problem:

Sean explains a Do Everything Parent as someone who can’t stand to see their teen struggle. Who’s always ready to service their kid and solve everything for them. Sean states that the frustration that comes with problem solving is what truly evolves a teen into a more mature person. When Fix Everything Parents interrupt the problem solving process, they are stunting their teen’s maturity.

Solution:

Sean suggests that the best way to deal with bullies in this situation is to stop interrupting any chance for your teen to struggle with a problem. Instead, he suggests highlighting their unique approach to solving things in a way that you wouldn’t.

Types of Teen Bullies

In addition to parenting types, Sean discusses the best way to deal with bullies of different types. He specifically delves into the nature of defiant bullies, the type who want to prove that they’re right and you’re wrong. Sean points out that you’re not going to win with aggression. In this interview, he goes in depth about defiant bullying behavior that teens reflect towards their parents and how to counteract it. Sean also talks about the responsibility that parents have to recall what it was like for them as a teen in order to better relate and empathize with their children. He also offers up creative solutions and exercises you can use to identify teen aggression and how to positively channel rather than punish this behavior.

Types of Teen Bullies

In addition to parenting types, Sean discusses the best way to deal with bullies of different types. He specifically delves into the nature of defiant bullies, the type who want to prove that they’re right and you’re wrong. Sean points out that you’re not going to win with aggression. In this interview, he goes in depth about defiant bullying behavior that teens reflect towards their parents and how to counteract it. Sean also talks about the responsibility that parents have to recall what it was like for them as a teen in order to better relate and empathize with their children. He also offers up creative solutions and exercises you can use to identify teen aggression and how to positiv...