William Stixrud and Ned Johnson, authors of The Seven Principles for Raising a Self-driven Child, share how parents can build connection, support autonomy, set healthy expectations, and create more joy and calm in family life.Full Show NotesAs our children grow into teenagers, parents often find themselves uncertain about how deeply to intervene. We know our kids need our involvement and guidance, but teenagers also crave autonomy and independence. Teens often appear distant and difficult, getting frustrated when we try to help solve their problems, yet feeling hurt when we don't show enough interest. Add stress about school, extracurriculars, and the future into the mix, and family life can quickly spiral into frequent conflict, anxiety, and disconnection.How can we give our teenagers the steady presence they need without micromanaging or inadvertently amplifying their stress? What does being a relaxed, positive, and supportive parent actually look like in daily practice? How can we inspire our teens to be driven, motivated, and self-directed without resorting to threats, bribes, or constant reminders?Today's guests, William Stixrud and Ned Johnson, offer compassionate, practical solutions from their new book, The Seven Principles for Raising a Self-driven Child. Bill is a clinical neuropsychologist, and Ned is the founder of Prep Matters. After two bestselling books on parenting and educational motivation, their latest interactive workbook provides powerful exercises and reflective prompts to help parents foster resilience, autonomy, and joy in their families. Together, Bill and Ned show how parents can become calm, confident leaders who empower teens rather than push or control them.Building a Calm and Confident Parental PresenceBill and Ned share why being a calm, non-anxious presence is one of the most powerful ways to support our teens. Rather than reflecting back our children's stress or adding to it with our own worries, they recommend setting the goal of becoming less emotionally reactive. Bill and Ned offer practical strategies, including meditation and cognitive practices, to train ourselves out of fear-based interactions. This calm approach reinforces teens' belief that they can handle life's ups and downs without parents needing to intervene constantly.Healthy Expectations vs. Anxiety-Driven PressureHow high should parents set their expectations? Bill and Ned dive deep into how expectations can provide either healthy motivation or become harmful sources of anxiety. They remind parents that expressing gentle confidence—that our teens are capable if they work at something—is far healthier and more motivating than demanding perfect outcomes. Bill and Ned reveal thoughtful ways to assess and realign your family's expectations around what truly matters to you and your teen.Using Joy and Humor to ConnectIt's easy for family life with teens to center solely around problems to solve—grades, chores, social relationships—leaving everyone exhausted and joyless. In this episode, Ned and Bill emphasize why prioritizing joyful family rituals like Friday movie nights, outings, or humor-filled interactions are so essential. By carving out time simply to enjoy and laugh together, you communicate that your child's presence is valued and loved unconditionally, no matter the stressors you face.Helping Teens Discover Their Own PathMany teens feel overwhelmed by other people's expectations—parents, teachers, coaches—and lose sight of what they truly want or care about. Bill and Ned offer profound insights into how to ask non-threatening, reflective questions about what teens genuinely love and value. Learning to help your teens identify their intrinsic motivators rather than external pressures is vital to building lifelong skills and confidence.In this Episode, we also discussTalking to teens about their core valuesThe surprising importance of "passionate pastimes"Addressing perfectionism and self-criticismStrategies to parent anxiety-prone or avoidant teensIf you're looking for proven approaches to calm anxiety around parenting teens and foster self-driven motivation, you won't want to miss Bill and Ned's tested wisdom. Their thoughtful, compassionate insights help every parent gracefully navigate the teenage years. Listen now, and make sure to subscribe and share!

Doug Bolton, author of Untethered, reveals why teenage misbehavior is a skill issue rather than a motivation problem—and explains how adults can teach teens emotional regulation, stress management, and accountability.Full Show NotesWe've all been there; after yet another homework battle, missed curfew, or bitter argument, we throw our hands up in frustration and wonder why can't our teen just behave? Typically we've been taught to see teens' "problem behaviors"—breaking rules, fighting us on homework, zoning out—is all a motivation issue. We've internalized the idea that teens “act out” because they're lazy, they don’t care enough, or they're defiantly choosing not to listen. As a result, parents often respond by escalating punishments, removing privileges, or lecturing until everyone is angry or shut down.But what if we've got this all wrong? What if we’re mislabeling stress behaviors and skill deficits as "bad motivation"? Shifting from a motivation-based view to seeing teen misbehavior as a lack of emotional regulation skills can be truly transformational for families. It turns out that when teens aren't meeting expectations, they're usually struggling because they haven’t developed crucial skills yet, like moving easily from something they want to do (TikTok, gaming) towards something they don't (homework, chores). Instead of punishing teens, parents can address the root cause: helping them build essential, lifelong skills.To guide us in rethinking teen discipline, we're joined by Doug Bolton, psychologist, longtime principal, therapist, and author of Untethered: Creating Connected Families, Schools, and Communities to Raise a Resilient Generation. Doug spent over two decades as principal at Northshore Academy, a school designed specifically for emotionally and behaviorally struggling teens. He's observed firsthand how approaching misbehavior as a stress and skills problem, rather than a motivation issue, transforms kid's lives and relationships.In this episode, Doug explains why punishments and incentives typically fail with teenagers—and how we can shift to skill-building and connection instead. We'll learn how teens' brains work differently around stress and decision-making (hint: they're not fully mature until age 30!) and why we can't expect instant adult-level reasoning from them constantly. Doug gives us step-by-step guidance on how to respond effectively when teens are stressed, emotional, and reactive.Why Emotions, Not Motivation, Drive Behavior:Have you ever noticed how some days your teen can easily breeze through their homework, while other days they struggle intensely? Doug explains that this is one of the telltale signs of emotional and stress behavior. Teens' emotional regulation skills are still developing, and their ability to smoothly manage stressors fluctuates based on context and daily circumstances. Their struggles come from the normal teenage brain being a "work in progress," not from laziness or defiance.Doug illustrates how quickly adults escalate to punishments when they feel out of control, unintentionally reinforcing shame and fear. Instead, he shows how we can help teens practice emotional regulation strategies like breaks, walks, or even a few minutes playing video games or listening to music, to bring their brains back into calmer, rational territory.Effective Discipline: Teaching Skills, Not Enforcing PunishmentInstead of punishments that create resentment and anger, Doug emphasizes the importance of accountability. But this accountability isn't about suffering detention or grounding—it's about responsibility and making amends. He explains how parents can coach teens through thoughtful conversations about repairing harm done, being responsible, and explaining what happened. Teens are capable of mature reflection, empathy and restitution if we guide them, rather than shame them.Doug also speaks powerfully about the mistakes adults make when it comes to teen status and stress. How younger teens or "less successful" students experience enormous stress from being at the bottom of the peer or family-status ladder, and why we must watch carefully that we aren’t subtly reinforcing these harmful hierarchies at home. Treating all kids fairly and helping each teen find purpose and status in their unique talents deeply reduces unhealthy stress.Helping Teens Find Their Purpose Through Service and ConnectionSometimes the teens labeled "troubled" or 'hard-to-reach" are actually those most capable of empathy and service. Doug shares moving stories of teens who were acting out or at risk, yet discovered purpose and meaning through helping younger students or mentoring peers through similar struggles (such as substance abuse recovery). Often the kids who've encountered the biggest hurdles have profound insights to share, if we provide opportunities for them to give.Doug explains how shifting these teens from being the only recipients of support (or discipline) to being providers and mentors themselves can radically change their trajectory, healing emotional wounds and boosting their sense of self-worth.In the Episode…There's a wealth of wisdom Doug shares beyond these topics! In our conversation, Doug and I also cover:Practical emotional regulation strategies for parents and teensHow to identify "stress behaviors" and address underlying stressorsWhy punishments work against connection (and what to do instead!)What parents can learn from couples' "bids for connection"Why teens who struggle most can often give the greatest giftsThis episode takes a closer look at what truly sparks teenage acting out behaviors—and how we as parents and educators can respond thoughtfully and effectively. Doug's approach reframes teen discipline from a power struggle toward understanding, connection, and mutual learning. If you’re looking for realistic strategies to reduce confrontations and transform your relationship with your teen, be sure to tune in.Doug Bolton is author of Untethered: Creating Connected Families, Schools, and Communities to Raise a Resilient Generation. Check him out online at drdougbolton.com or FPSchicago.com to learn more. Thanks for listening, and don't forget to share this episode and subscribe to Talking to Teens—we'll see you next week!

Elizabeth Husserl, author of The Power of Enough, joins us to discuss how parents can teach their teens a healthy relationship with money, how to use financial decisions to meet deeper needs, and how families can start meaningful conversations around money.Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation.Full Show NotesMoney can feel like a taboo topic—even within our own households. While we'd love our teens to grow up feeling confident and secure financially, it can seem challenging to teach them how to approach money effectively—let alone joyfully. Many young people enter adulthood without a clear sense of how to balance their financial resources with their deeper needs and desires. How can parents foster a healthier, happier, and more meaningful relationship between their teenagers and money?In this episode, we're diving into how to redefine and transform your family's relationship with money, shifting from scarcity to joy. Joining us on this journey is Elizabeth Husserl, the co-founder of Peak 360 Wealth Management and author of the new book The Power Of Enough: Finding Joy in Your Relationship with Money. Elizabeth combines expertise as a financial advisor with insights gained through her study of transpersonal and somatic psychology, teaching families how to view money and wealth in deeper, more fulfilling ways.In our conversation, Elizabeth explains how to help teens understand that wealth goes far beyond having money in the bank. She argues that a healthy relationship with money is about intentionally and creatively meeting our deeper human needs. Elizabeth shares her strategies and exercises developed from psychology and personal experience, guiding parents in teaching teens to manage financial resources thoughtfully and in alignment with their unique sense of fulfillment.Redefining Wealth & ScarcityElizabeth emphasizes the distinction between money and wealth. While money is simply a tool, wealth relates to our overall state of well-being. She describes how many people carry stories of scarcity handed down from previous generations—traumas, hardships, and struggles—despite those conditions no longer matching their everyday experience.By helping teenagers examine their personal and family money stories, parents can free their children from generational anxiety around money and encourage mindful, empowered financial experiences. Elizabeth outlines how we can become "anthropologists" of our money behaviors, identifying patterns and stories without judgment, and then choosing consciously how to move forward.The Wealth Mandala and Teaching Needs-Based DecisionsOne of Elizabeth's key tools—the Wealth Mandala—is a powerful exercise for teens and adults alike. Elizabeth shows us how to use this exercise to explore our core human needs such as connection, belonging, creativity, and safety. By mapping out areas where we feel fulfilled (or lacking), families learn to consciously channel their resources—financial and otherwise—to address what truly matters.Anxiety about money often comes from not truly understanding our needs. Elizabeth provides clear and concrete examples of how parents can guide their teenagers in understanding and articulating their deeper needs—beyond fleeting desires for material possessions—and learning to fulfill these needs in fulfilling, sustainable, and financially mindful ways.Having Honest Family Money ConversationsTalking directly with your children about family finances and money values can be intimidating. Elizabeth offers practical strategies and scripts, like the Target store exercise she implemented with her own daughter, demonstrating how to let teens make empowered spending decisions through a thoughtful dialogue.By responding without judgment or shaming, parents can teach teens to pause and critically evaluate their financial choices. Teens ultimately learn agency over their decisions and how to effectively balance immediate material desires against long-term financial health and satisfaction.In the Episode…Elizabeth's holistic and compassionate approach to money and wealth shows us how we can help teenagers develop a meaningful relationship to their resources. Our conversation also covers:How to change from a finite to an infinite view of workWhy having a 'conversation' with money can change your family dynamicSimple tools for teaching teens financial decision-making skillsHow somatic psychology can guide spending for greater life fulfillmentIf you're looking to shift your family's dialogue about money from tension and confusion toward joy and deep satisfaction, Elizabeth Husserl provides profound insights and accessible strategies. Be sure to check out her book, The Power Of Enough: Finding Joy in Your Relationship with Money, and find resources, guides, and more tools on her website elizabethhusserl.com.Thanks for listening! Don’t forget to share, subscribe, and we'll see you next week.Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation.

Caroline Fleck, author of Validation, explains how to make teens feel deeply understood and supported, highlighting powerful validation tools, avoiding common parenting pitfalls, and uncovering practical strategies to improve teen communication and trust.Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation.Full Show NotesWe often hear that parenting teenagers is one of the hardest yet most rewarding experiences. Is your teen withdrawing, shutting down, or resisting connection? Does it feel like no matter what you say, you're met with silence, frustration, or emotion-driven outbursts? If communication in your household feels increasingly difficult, you're not alone—parents everywhere are struggling to maintain open, positive relationships with their teenagers. What we may not realize is that our well-meaning responses often discourage teens from fully sharing their experiences, pushing them to close themselves off at precisely the time we hope they'll open up.That's where validation comes in—not vague praise or mere agreement, but true validation that meets teens where they are and makes them feel genuinely seen and understood. It's a powerful technique drawn from psychotherapy, designed specifically to reach even the most resistant individuals. Learning validation can transform your interactions with your teenager, making your communication not just easier and more frequent, but deeper, warmer, and more meaningful.In today's episode, we're joined by validation expert Dr. Caroline Fleck, author of Validation. Caroline is a practicing therapist and expert in Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT), the clinical approach that developed these powerful validation techniques to treat the most challenging clients. She shares why validation was such a groundbreaking discovery in psychology—and why every parent can use it to create profound transformations at home.In our engaging conversation, Caroline introduces the dynamic and practical levels of validation, offering a "validation ladder" technique to help parents authentically relate to their teens' experiences. We discuss common pitfalls, explore why certain ways of communicating with younger children become ineffective—or even counterproductive—as they grow into adolescence, and clarify how validation can be the bridge that adapts along with your teen.Why Validation Matters for TeensValidation isn’t just about making teens feel momentarily better—it has tangible, scientifically-backed effects on their emotional health, behavior, and trust. Caroline introduces powerful research that shows teens who anticipate genuine, validating conversations from their parents are likely to be more forthcoming with important details about their lives. Validation communicates that teens' emotions, thoughts, and experiences make sense and are meaningful, which is critical at a developmental stage when acceptance and belonging become extremely important.To illustrate, Caroline shares insightful experiences from her own clinical practice working directly with teenagers. She demonstrates how stepping into teens' worlds in a validating way builds powerful trust and leads to greater openness—even in teens known for being especially guarded. Surprisingly, this doesn't require heavy conversations—in fact, often doing your nails or chatting about a favorite comic can be the launching pad for deeper trust and connection.The Validation LadderCaroline breaks down her validation framework into different levels—what she refers to as the "validation ladder." From simple attention (being mindfully present) at the lowest rung, to logical understanding at mid-level, and finally to a powerful empathy level where parents disclose and relate emotionally, each rung offers progressively deeper validation.But Caroline also warns of risks at each stage. For instance, while empathy and disclosure can powerfully connect, too much disclosure or missing the emotional mark can create disconnection. Validation is subtle, with decreasing margin for error as you climb higher on Caroline's ladder—but it has undeniable, life-changing power when you get it right.Finding the Balance with TeensTeens are paradoxical. On one hand, they want to be understood as unique individuals; on the other, feeling "normal" and accepted by peers is paramount. Caroline walks us through how parents can walk that fine line—validating the emotional intensity of first-time teen experiences while still helping teens see their responses as understandable and normal.One of Caroline's favorite tips? The "Caroline Qualifier," a strategic technique that allows parents to validate the uniqueness of a teen's experience without alienating them or trivializing what they are going through. We discuss practical examples of how to implement this while navigating first breakups and intense friendships.Why "Doing Something" MattersSometimes, simply acknowledging feelings verbally isn’t enough. Caroline explains how taking concrete actions can become our most powerful validation tool—clearly communicating to the teen, “I hear you, I value what you're going through, and it's important enough that I'm going to do something about it.” But how do parents decide when to act? Caroline gives critical perspective on when this is helpful, and importantly, when taking action can actually backfire.She offers practical strategies parents can use to show concretely—without becoming controlling or invalidating—that a teen’s feelings and needs matter enough for concrete steps to be taken.Powerful Strategies Explored in This Episode:How self-disclosure transforms your teen's trust in youProposing and its Jedi mind-trick impact on communicationFinding the "golden snitch" to reinforce positive behaviorsWhen NOT to validate: handling emotional outbursts constructivelyHow seemingly small invalidating comments can become lasting negative self-talkWant to learn simple—but powerful—validation skills that transform your relationship with your teen? Listen to today's episode with Caroline Fleck for expert validation tools, clear guidance on common parenting pitfalls, and real-world strategies you can use today to forge deeper understanding with your teen. Don't forget to subscribe and share Talking to Teens with friends and family who have teens in their lives!Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation.

Kathleen deLaski, author of Who Needs College Anymore?, joins us to discuss the evolving necessity of college education in light of new career pathways, rising tuition costs, and the changing job market influenced by technology and skills-based hiring.Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation.Full Show NotesIn the rapidly changing landscape of education and employment, parents are left questioning the value of a college degree for their teenagers. With soaring tuition fees and an evolving job market that increasingly values skills and experience over formal education, it's no wonder many are rethinking the traditional path. As artificial intelligence and automation continue to reshape industries, the future of college education becomes even more uncertain.To unpack these transformative trends, we’re joined this week by Kathleen deLaski, the founder and board chair of the Education Design Lab. Kathleen, a senior advisor at Harvard's Project on Workforce and a professor at George Mason University, recently authored Who Needs College Anymore?, offering a fresh perspective on the traditional college track. Through her work and personal experiences, Kathleen shines a light on how parents can navigate and advise their teens in this shifting educational paradigm.The Evolution of 'Higher Education'The script for achieving the American Dream, once dominated by the pursuit of a college degree, is being rewritten. Kathleen shares insights into how more than half of high school graduates venture towards college, yet less than 40% achieve a bachelor's degree. She delves into the inflated expectations for degrees in the job market and highlights the blurring lines between traditional blue- and white-collar roles—changes driven by technological advancements.Beyond the College DegreeKathleen explores the burgeoning pathways that don't involve college, acknowledging the roles apprenticeships and industry certifications can play. She argues for a mindset shift, urging educational institutions to offer hands-on experience outside conventional classroom settings. The traditional college experience might still benefit some, but for others, Kathleen advocates exploring micro-pathways that offer direct routes into the workforce.Addressing the Last MileOne of the significant hurdles for college graduates is the "last mile," or the transition from education to employment—a common pitfall Kathleen identifies as a gap colleges must address. She emphasizes the importance of obtaining career-related experiences and the proactive role colleges and students should undertake to ensure job readiness. As artificial intelligence becomes a staple in recruitment, standing out requires fostering real-world skills and networks.In the Episode...Throughout our conversation, Kathleen offers thoughtful insights into these pressing questions:How can parents support teens’ interests while considering modern educational pathways?What role do certifications and digital skills wallets play in validating competencies without degrees?How can we facilitate skills-based hiring to redefine job readiness?Kathleen deLaski's perspective is invaluable for any parent navigating their teen’s educational choices amidst rapid changes in higher education. Her work urges us to reconsider our approach to student success, encouraging dialogue and action to adapt to the future of learning. For those interested in learning more about Kathleen’s thought-provoking work, visit whoneedscollegeanymore.org, where resources and discussion guides are available. Don’t forget to check out her book for a comprehensive understanding of how degrees might lose their gravity in the coming years. Stay tuned and subscribe for a deeper dive into the education of tomorrow.Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation.

Anne-Laure Le Cunff, author of Tiny Experiments, joins us to discuss how an experimental mindset can offer teens a refreshing, exploratory approach to personal success, allowing them to break free from linear goal setting and conventional expectations.Full Show NotesIn our quest to guide teens toward successful futures, we often urge them to set concrete, linear goals. We believe these goals offer structure and direction—yet this mindset may inadvertently restrict creativity, unique pursuits, and personal growth in our teens. What if, instead of marching along predetermined paths, teens explored a series of small, impactful experiments that revealed their interests and potential?Today, we're exploring a whole new way of setting teens up for success. Anne-Laure Le Cunff, ex-Googler, neuroscience Ph.D. candidate, and author of Tiny Experiments, reveals how embracing an experimental mindset can help teens navigate life with creativity and freedom. Through her work at Ness Labs, Anne-Laure encourages adopting experimentation over goal-setting to discover personal and unique paths.In her book, Anne-Laure proposes that teens be encouraged to test "tiny experiments" in various areas of their lives—whether it's trying a new hobby, exploring a budding interest, or learning a different skill. Instead of focusing on long-term commitments or the fear of making mistakes, these experiments allow for trial, error, and—most importantly—learning. This approach empowers teens to gather experience and data from which they can draw conclusions for the future.Cultivating CuriosityTeens are naturally curious, and Anne-Laure asserts we should nurture this trait. She suggests parents help teens create a "curiosity circle," where they can explore interests in a group setting, driving communal and personal growth. Recalling how adulthood urged us to “figure it all out,” Anne-Laure invites parents to reminisce about their own teenage years and prioritize exploration over immediate resolutions for their children.Energy and Decision MakingManaging energy, not just time, is crucial for effective experimentation. Anne-Laure highlights the importance of tracking one's energy and aligning activities with peak times for productive engagement. Reflecting on energy levels can enhance experiment outcomes—ensuring that teens feel empowered to optimize their personal schedules for better results.Overcoming Activation BarriersA significant challenge lies in initiating the first step. Anne-Laure introduces frameworks like “the pact” and “plus, minus, next” which scaffold the experimental process, breaking down larger tasks into manageable pieces and prompting reflection. This helps teens confidently explore new initiatives by emphasizing commitment, action, and reflection over mere completion.ConclusionAdopting an experimental mindset allows teens to approach uncertainties in life with agility and resilience—turning challenges into chances to learn. By encouraging experiments, we can prevent the analysis paralysis that often accompanies teen decision-making processes, fostering a more balanced, engaged approach to life.In the Episode…On top of the above, Anne-Laure and I also discuss:How perfectionism undermines opportunityThe role of community in shared learning experiencesPractical examples of setting up a teen-led experimentTracking progress and understanding setbacksFor more insights from Anne-Laure Le Cunff, visit Ness Labs or sign up for her newsletter. If you enjoyed this episode, help us spread the word, share with friends, and subscribe to Talking to Teens for more enlightened discussions.

Paul Sunseri, a clinical psychologist and author of "Gentle Parenting Reimagined," shares his expert advice on improving communications with teenagers. He discusses how to identify red herrings that can derail important conversations and emphasizes the need for a calm, respectful interaction model. Sunseri highlights gentle parenting strategies that balance empathy and discipline, urging parents to shift from commands to requests, fostering autonomy while decreasing conflicts. With over 40 years of experience, he offers tools to empower both parents and teens.

Melanie Shankle, author of Here Be Dragons, joins us to share insights from her complex mother-daughter relationship and discuss how parents can break generational cycles, empower their teens, and handle high school drama with grace.Full Show NotesParenting teenagers often means we find ourselves navigating uncharted waters, especially when attempting to break away from the generational cycles of how we were raised. As parents, we aim to avoid the pitfalls our parents may have encountered, ensuring that we foster healthy relationships and nurture authentic communication with our children. But with social media, school pressures, and developmental changes, there are always dragons to slay along the way.This week, we're delving into the struggles and joys of raising teens with Melanie Shankle, author of seven books, including her newest release, Here Be Dragons. Melanie opens up about her history with her own mother and how it influenced her journey of motherhood. Her personal experiences and stories have shaped her perspective and allowed her to break the cycle, raising her daughter with intention and resilience.In the conversation, Melanie and I touch on the complex realities of teenage friendships and the competitive pressures that come with them. Melanie reflects on how witnessing mean girl dynamics in her daughter's high school experience inspired her book and highlighted the importance of being a supportive parent without helicoptering. We explore how these teenage social challenges can sometimes echo the emotional turmoil experienced in their parents' childhoods.The Perils of High School FriendshipsTeenage friendships can be fraught with challenges, especially in a social media-saturated world. While everyone feels they need to be part of the group, Melanie notes how social media adds an unprecedented layer of complexity, allowing for relentless bullying that follows teens beyond the schoolyard. Her daughter Caroline's real-life challenges with peer drama serve as a poignant reminder of the importance of teaching resilience and self-care.Melanie's approach involved empowering her daughter to tackle her social challenges with dignity, encouraging Caroline to take decisive actions, whether by confronting her peers or turning to school authorities when necessary. This empowerment not only helped Caroline stand up for herself but also forged life-long skills she continues to use.Fathers as Role ModelsMelanie elaborates on the critical role her father played in shaping her self-worth and stability, despite having a turbulent relationship with her mother. The dynamics with her father shed light on the significant impact fathers have as role models in their daughters' lives. Melanie underscores the perseverance her father showed, being a constant presence despite difficulties, a lesson she passes along to parents on how resilience and love can transcend challenging circumstances.Understanding the complex emotions between parents and children can help foster better relationships, providing teens with a stable and loving foundation even amidst family disruptions.Navigating Generational HealingDrawing from her experiences growing up with a narcissistic mother, Melanie reflects on the crucial steps of breaking generational cycles. From learning to express her own needs in adulthood to creating a household where her child's voice is heard and valued, Melanie's story is Testament to overcoming the shadows of the past.Parents will resonate with Melanie’s anecdotes of finding her own voice and her conscious efforts to parent with empathy and openness. Creating an emotionally healthy environment in which parents can communicate openly with their teens lays the groundwork for trust, ensuring a better life for generations to come.In the Episode…Melanie shares more invaluable wisdom throughout the conversation. On top of the discussed themes, we also talk about:How to equip teens for life's hardshipsAddressing teenage drinking attitudesResponding to difficult parental relationshipsTransforming personal struggles into life lessonsCheck out Melanie's latest book Here Be Dragons, and follow her on Instagram @MelanieShankle for more updates. If you enjoyed this episode, don’t forget to subscribe and share with others who might benefit from these powerful stories and lessons.

Blaise Aguirre, author of I Hate Myself, joins us to discuss the pervasive issue of self-hatred among teenagers, explore the role of comparison and perfectionism in self-criticism, and highlight the benefits of Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT).Full Show NotesFor many parents, watching their teen grapple with self-critical thoughts can be heartbreaking. It's a common refrain to hear kids say, "I'm so stupid," or "I can never do anything right." When these thoughts persist, they can become ingrained, leading to deep-seated self-hatred. Addressing these feelings early can prevent them from becoming a dominant force in a teenager's life. But how can parents help their teens escape this negative mindset and view themselves with compassion and understanding?Understanding and dismantling self-loathing in teens is critical. Today's guest, Dr. Blaise Aguirre, a professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School and author of the new book, I Hate Myself, provides invaluable insight into this pervasive issue. Dr. Aguirre is renowned for his work at McLean Hospital, where he has developed programs for teens with self-destructive behaviors and suicidal tendencies, utilizing Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) to help manage these complex emotions.In the episode, Dr. Aguirre explains that self-hatred is often a deeply internalized perception of oneself, not merely occasional self-criticism. This profound dislike integrates into a teen's core identity, creating a permanent, immutable sense of worthlessness that shadows them constantly. He discusses how identifying self-hatred requires more than just taking a teen's words at face value, particularly when they respond with "I'm fine." Instead, parents and caregivers must look for deeper signs: perfectionism, people-pleasing behavior, and excessive self-criticism.The Role of DBT in Combating Self-HateDr. Aguirre introduces us to the principles of Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), a method combining Zen mindfulness and behavioral therapy. DBT aims to help teens manage emotions, develop coping skills, and foster a sense of self-worth. This therapeutic approach has been incredibly effective in reducing suicidal behavior, by first accepting where a teen is emotionally and then helping them build skills to navigate through these challenging feelings.In particular, Dr. Aguirre highlights how DBT can dismantle the illusion that self-hatred is a permanent trait. Through mindfulness and practice, teens can learn to see themselves not as inherently flawed, but as individuals capable of change and value. This transformation is pivotal in helping them move past beliefs tied to early childhood experiences that fostered their negative perceptions.The Danger of ComparisonsWhile guiding teens towards self-acceptance, avoiding comparisons is crucial. Dr. Aguirre emphasizes how societal and familial pressures can exacerbate self-hatred, especially when teens are pushed to measure themselves against siblings or peers. Instead of uplifting, these comparisons can anchor teens to unrealistic standards of perfection that intensify their dissatisfaction and critical self-view.Dr. Aguirre suggests that parents reframe comparisons. Allowing teens to measure their growth against themselves—focusing on becoming more self-compassionate and less reliant on external validation—can break the cycle of detrimental comparisons and encourage personal development.In the Episode…In our conversation with Blaise Aguirre, we dissect the nuances of self-hatred among teens and explore various ways to combat it. Tune in to gain insights on:How perfectionism relates to self-hatredThe importance of listening and validation in communicationDeveloping a new framework for self-compassionPractical steps for creating a supportive home environmentFor parents and caregivers, learning about and addressing self-hate in teens is essential for fostering healthier developmental outcomes. If you enjoyed this episode, consider exploring more from Dr. Blaise Aguirre and understanding how his work at McLean Hospital continues to impact young lives. Listen and subscribe to stay informed and empowered in supporting your teen.

Lisa A. Phillips, author of First Love: Guiding Teens Through Relationships and Heartbreak, joins us to discuss the complexities of teenage love, including the effects on parents, navigating breakups, and the significance of early romantic experiences.Full Show NotesAdolescence is a time of self-discovery, and first forays into love play a crucial role in shaping future relationships. Yet, teenage love can be dismissed as fleeting and inconsequential by adults who overlook its developmental importance. While crushes and early heartbreaks may seem minor, they prepare teens for the complex emotional landscapes they will navigate as adults. Understanding and supporting teens in their romantic ventures is essential, not only for their growth but also to foster open dialogue between parents and their children.This episode features Lisa A. Phillips, writer and professor, who explores these themes in her book, First Love: Guiding Teens Through Relationships and Heartbreak. Lisa's perspective arises from her experience as a mother navigating her daughter's early romantic relationships and her professional background in mental health and relationship writing. Her insights offer valuable guidance for parents striving to connect with their teens during these formative years.In our conversation, Lisa shares how parents' emotions can unexpectedly be stirred by their teens' romantic experiences. Research by psychologist Lawrence Steinberg suggests that parents might revisit unresolved feelings from their own youth, which can impact the way they perceive their teen's experiences. This emotional upheaval underscores the importance of parents addressing their own past to better support their teen's present.The Role of CrushesAn early discussion focuses on the significance of crushes as developmental milestones. These seemingly one-sided infatuations can provide a safe space for teenagers to explore complex emotions. Lisa explains how parents can use this phase as an opportunity to discuss feelings and expectations, helping teens differentiate between fantasy and reality in relationships. By engaging in these discussions, parents can help teens develop a nuanced understanding of mutuality and respect in their romantic lives.Communicating About LoveDespite the challenges, Lisa emphasizes the importance of proactively engaging in conversations about love and relationships with teenagers. Studies have shown that a significant number of young adults wish they had received more guidance from their parents about the emotional aspects of dating. Lisa encourages parents to talk with their teens about their romantic feelings, even when teens seem indifferent to these discussions. These conversations can instill a sense of value in relationships and showcase the importance of thoughtful reflection.Tackling SituationshipsLisa introduces the concept of "situationships"—relationships that are ambiguous and undefined—to highlight a common experience among modern teens. She provides guidance on how parents can help teens navigate these complex scenarios by encouraging them to consider their feelings before, during, and after interactions. This process can lead to greater self-awareness and empower teens to make choices better aligned with their well-being.In the Episode...Throughout the episode, Lisa and I cover an array of topics related to teen love, including:How transitions in relationships can add layers of complexityThe importance of developing a “thick narrative” post-breakupHow social connectedness and same-sex friendships impact long-term relationship successThe notion of "information" as a tool to help teens assess their relationshipsExplore these insights and more by tuning into the episode. Don’t forget to share and subscribe, and stay tuned for future episodes of Talking to Teens.