Ep 338: How Teens Can Master Emotional Control

Ethan Kross, author of Shift: Managing Your Emotions So They Don't Manage You, explains how teens and parents can become adept at emotional regulation, manage upsetting feelings effectively, and develop healthier responses to life's challenges.

Full Show Notes

Emotional regulation—the ability to manage and shift our feelings—has huge implications for everyone, especially teenagers. It's a life skill that might just make the difference between thriving or struggling in adulthood. Teens understandably grapple with heightened emotions and can sometimes feel controlled by them rather than the other way around. But what if we could teach them how to manage their emotions and build resilience early on?

The effects of emotional dysregulation can be major: kids who struggle with this skill are more likely to face substance abuse, school dropout, and even criminal behavior as they grow older. Meanwhile, teens who are skilled at managing their emotional states tend to excel academically, professionally, and have healthier relationships overall. The good news is that emotion regulation is a learnable and teachable skill, with far-reaching positive effects if mastered during adolescence.

In this episode, we're joined once again by Ethan Kross, award-winning professor, renowned researcher, and author of the new book Shift: Managing Your Emotions So They Don't Manage You. Ethan has dedicated his career to unpacking the mystery of our emotional worlds, blending cutting-edge research with practical, actionable insights. As both a scientist and a parent of a teen himself, Ethan understands deeply how crucial it is to arm our kids (and ourselves!) with simple yet powerful emotional regulation strategies.

In our conversation, Ethan shares eye-opening findings, common misconceptions, and accessible, effective tools for parents who want to raise emotionally intelligent and resilient teenagers.

Why Emotional Regulation Matters for Teens

Emotion impacts every aspect of a teen's daily life—friendships, schoolwork, athletics, and family relationships. Despite its importance, emotional skills are often overlooked, leaving kids unequipped to manage powerful feelings. Ethan reveals eye-opening research, from classic experiments to recent ground-breaking studies, that clearly connect teens' successes and setbacks later in life to how well they can manage their emotional states.

Ethan emphasizes that there are no "bad" emotions—anger, sadness, anxiety all serve valuable evolutionary purposes. Rather than suppressing these feelings, Ethan offers strategies to help teens learn to tune into their emotions without becoming overwhelmed by them. He also tackles the "myth of universal approach," noting that always facing or always avoiding tough feelings isn't the right solution—teens must learn flexibility instead.

Teaching Teens Practical Ways to Shift Their Emotions

So how can parents and educators tangibly equip teens with emotional regulation skills? Ethan shares practical interventions from research that really work. For example, understanding how our surroundings influence our emotional states empowers teens to strategically modify their spaces to feel less anxious or stressed. Ethan discusses how teens can make small changes, like placing items or images in their environment that effectively boost their mood and sense of calm.

He also explains broader methods, like the proven WOOP framework (Wish, Outcome, Obstacle, and Plan). WOOP is essentially an easy-to-use reference for teens (and adults) when emotions inevitably flare up. Ethan breaks down how parents can talk teens through this process, helping them clearly define how they want to act during difficult times—rather than becoming reactive or impulsive.

Subtle (and Powerful) Ways to Help Teens

Sometimes offering too much direct help can backfire, causing teens to feel disempowered or defensive. Ethan reveals research that shows invisible support—the kind teens don't realize you're giving—can play a huge role in helping them build regulation skills. He's sharing small shifts, like subtly introducing conversations around emotional techniques or quietly removing stressors in the family routine, that greatly improve teens' emotional balance and confidence.

We also dive deep into how teens can use sensory influences like music and smells to modify their emotions deliberately, and the importance of shifting self-talk—from a self-focused, blaming style to one that feels more empathetic and empowering.

In the Episode...

Ethan's extensive knowledge and relatable advice offer invaluable guidance for parents hoping to raise emotionally resilient kids. In addition to the topics above, we also discuss:

• How to help teens view intense emotions as temporary and manageable
• The specific connection between pronouns and processing breakups
• Why avoidance can sometimes be a surprisingly helpful strategy
• How shifting language perspective (like using your own name when talking to yourself) can rapidly lower distress

Don't miss this enlightening conversation with Ethan Kross, where science meets practical parenting strategies. Check out his latest book Shift: Managing Your Emotions So They Don't Manage You and explore more at ethankross.com. Thanks for listening—make sure you share and subscribe!