Talking To Teens: Expert Tips for Parenting Teenagers

Jenifer Fox, author of Your Child’s Strengths and an education expert, covers the three areas to watch for strengths: learning, relationships, and activities. The key is to embrace your teens strengths, even though on the surface they might seem “different.”Full show notesRiiiiiing! Out of nowhere, your phone disrupts another day at work. The name of your teen son’s high school flashes across the screen as you reach to answer. A few thoughts cross your mind. Is your son hurt? Did something happen at school? Is he in trouble? As you raise the phone to your ear, the voice of the assistant principal comes through the line.“Your son’s been having a problem focusing recently. Unfortunately, he’s proven to be a repeated distraction to the learning environment, so we’ve had to pull him from class for the rest of the day. Can you come pick him up?”In an instant, your mind is filled with ideas as to why your son has become a distraction. As a kid, he was an endless ball of energy, jumping over couches and climbing trees in the yard. He might’ve burned you out at times, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t a capable learner.He loves science, and he is an avid reader when he isn’t running around outside. Hearing that he’s been pulled out of class troubles you, because you know about his deep passion for learning. When a school can’t see the potential in their kid, parents need to know how to help a teenager find themselves.To answer these thoughts, I invited Jenifer Fox to discuss how to help a teenager find themselves. Jenifer has a Master’s in School Administration from Harvard and heads the Berkshire Country Day School in Massachusetts. After many years tracking child development, she wrote the book Your Child’s Strengths in which she explains the methods to discovering, developing and activating the strengths of your teenager. This week, we investigate how teenagers can recognize learning strengths and how parents can help!Different Strokes for Different FolksJenifer has plenty of advice for how to help a teenager find themselves when faced with learning challenges at school. The academic learning environment, where teens are expected to sit still for an hour and listen to a lecture doesn’t work for everybody. Jenifer says in many cases, it’s not that the teen can’t learn in the academic environment, but that academic learning might not be a strength of your teen. Humans have a number of methods to learn information, and not everyone is geared toward academic learning. Some other forms of learning include:Active learningVisual learningAudio learningAccording to Jenifer, even if your teen isn’t a strong academic learner, there is a chance your teen is a strong active or visual learner. By understanding the different learning strengths of teenagers, parents will learn how to help a teenager find themselves.How to use learning strategies to help your teenParents who are looking for how to help a teenager find themselves should try to use different learning strategies as supplementary methods to approach their studies. By approaching one subject from a variety of learning methods, teens will be able to understand their topic in a more thorough manner. Unfortunately, our education system is built around one style of academic learning, and there isn’t much parents can do to change the way school is taught.However, parents wondering how to help a teenager find themselves can optimize their learning by identifying the best strategy for their kid. Jenifer recommends parents watch out for certain traps and opportunities to help teenagers practice good learning strategies. Here are some tricks for how to do this.Don’t talk down to TeensAvoid Critiquing your teenIt might be easy for parents to identify where their teen is struggling, but merely pointing out where someone faces obstacles doesn’t help anybody improve. Critiquing someone is a negative way to point out deficiencies, and neither teens nor adults are receptive to this form of help.For example, if a parent were to point out to their teenager where they’re struggling in academic learning, the parent is focusing on the negatives of the situation and that doesn’t teach them how to improve.Avoid telling your teen their strengthsParents wondering how to help a teenager find themselves shouldn’t tell kids what strengths they have. Parents will likely be able to understand some learning strategies that might create success or failure for teens. However, teenagers are less likely to follow parental advice if a parent spells out everything for their teenager.If you’re a parent who doesn't know how to help a teenager find themselves, it’s likely because you’re not aware of their exact strengths. If a parent were to tell a teenager what learning strategy is best, the parent might steer a teen down the wrong path and into more learning troubles. Parents should be weary of steering their teen in a certain direction, as it can have negative consequences on your teen’s learning.For example, if a teen normally completes homework after a sports practice, pushing the teen into a higher level of competition might exhaust them and cause their grades to decline.Be a TeacherObservation as a positive strategyParents should make good observations about teenagers to play the role of teacher when it comes to learning strategies. By observing how your teenager finds success, parents will be able to guide teenagers towards constructive long-term solutions to learning problems.For example, if a teenager is regularly productive when they complete homework right after returning from a sport, take note! Keeping track of minor details like this can help parents understand how to help a teenager find themselves and discover the best learning strategies. When parents observe this information, they can talk with their teens to see if they agree about when they are most productive. Identifying this pattern could empower your teen to make a positive change in their habits.Ask teens about their preferencesA more constructive way for how to help a teenager find themselves is for parents to ask about how their teenager prefers to study. Asking introspective questions to your teen will help their understanding of good learning strategies, which is a huge benefit as teens grow into adults.Some templates for asking a teen about their study preferences are:Why do you study like that?Is there a reason to how you organize work?When does it feel good for you to study?By listening to teen’s answers about learning preferences, parents will be able to learn how to help a teenager find themselves. Teens can take the insight gained via a discussion of learning habits and use that knowledge to build a more productive schedule. An optimized schedule will help teens maximize their learning both in the classroom and at home.Final ThoughtsWhile some teenagers might struggle more than the crowd when it comes to academic learning, teens don’t have to be at the mercy of ...

Mike Adamick, author of Raising Empowered Daughters, shares his insights on avoiding negative cultural narratives to raise strong girls. And how we raise boys is an important piece of the puzzle too.Full show notesAs parents, we want our kids to grow up with a sense of equality. We want them to know that both boys and girls are capable of greatness, that regardless of their gender, they’re free to follow their wildest dreams. That’s why it’s frustrating when we see sexist attitudes or gender inequality perpetuated by major retailers or movie franchises. It can feel like there’s little you can do as a parent to protect your kid from these potentially harmful ideas. We want to steer our teens clear of these influences, but it’s tough to find ways of avoiding negative cultural narratives about gender.Even outside of our modern media, troublesome ideas about gender can be found in our daily lives, amongst our friends and neighbors. They’re buried within phrases like “boys will be boys”, hidden behind casual remarks about women’s bodies, present in small ways in our conversations at the office or around the dinner table. Sexist ideas pass under our noses every day, often without attracting attention— even though they definitely should!Our guest today is Mike Adamick, the author of Raising Empowered Daughters: a Dad to Dad Guide. Mike is here to talk to us about avoiding negative cultural narratives about gender that may be affecting our kids, and how we can make small, but important changes within our communities and social circles.As a stay-at-home dad and the father of a daughter, Mike knows what it’s like to tackle parenthood head on. He was inspired to write a book about avoiding negative cultural narratives when he found himself getting angrier and angrier over the hurtful messages he saw targeted at his daughter and other young girls. He wanted parents to understand these cultural forces and their effects, but he also wanted to share ways that we can fight against sexism in our everyday lives, to make the world a better, more equal place for young people.Cultural AttitudesMike provides many examples of how damaging cultural messages about gender are being spread to young people. These ideas can be sensed in movies, marketing, retail--in more places than you’d expect! He talks specifically about clothing: how many large clothing chains offer very different products for boys and girls, and how these products send strong messages to young people about who they’re supposed to be based on their gender.For example, Mike points out that clothes for boys are usually roomy and contain exciting slogans and images, encouraging males to be active and pursue their dreams. Girls, on the other hand, are often sold tight fitting clothing that restricts their movement, with much less exciting pictures and messages. This disparity in available wardrobe is a signal to girls that they don’t have the same freedoms as boys, that they are meant to look nice, to be satisfied with less ambition.If we take a look at popular culture, it’s not hard to find inequality there as well. Mike talks about the promotional materials for the recent release of The Force Awakens, the much buzzed about, long awaited seventh installment in the Star Wars saga. Mike was excited to show his daughter the first released picture of the film’s cast, knowing that there would be a female heroine. Upon viewing the photo, however, Mike was ot excited but appalled by the gender imbalance in the photo.Although the main character was female, the photo was otherwise entirely filled with male characters. This frustrated Mike. He wants to live in a world where his daughter can see tons of tough women on screen, working together to battle evil, instead of just one token female character in an otherwise male dominated universe.It sometimes seems as if there’s no way of avoiding negative cultural narratives like these. Unfortunately, we don’t really have the ability to call up the CEO of Disney or H&M and demand a widespread change. All hope is not lost, however. Mike talks about how we can act locally. He describes changes we can implement in our homes and communities, to help stop harmful messages about gender from gaining traction so that our kids can grow up knowing that equality matters.Making Change In Your Inner CircleAlthough it may seem insignificant to try to talk about avoiding negative cultural narratives with your small circle of friends and neighbors, these efforts can have a rippling effect. Spreading positive messages in your own community can be the beginning of creating major change.Avoiding negative cultural narratives can be difficult when certain gender ideals have heavily infiltrated our society. One pervading cultural idea that Mike really dislikes is the notion of “boys will be boys.” This term generally implies that the actions that boys take are not “their fault”-- but just a result of biology. It implies that males are inherently violent or disrespectful, and therefore can’t be blamed for acting out of line.To Mike, this represents the crazy double standard we have when it comes to raising children of different genders. It spreads the message that men and boys can do whatever they like, without being held accountable! It also harms men and boys by placing them under pressure to meet certain cultural constructs about masculinity and what it means to be a “man.” It portrays manhood as being impervious to social rules, being rude and disrespectful, taking what you want without consideration for others.Mike believes that not just avoiding negative cultural narratives but reframing them are necessary, especially when it comes to ones that enable inappropriate behavior. To do this, we need to think about the way we talk to others about stereotypes.When it comes to talking to our friends and neighbors, objecting to these cultural stereotypes can help us create a healthier, more positive environment for our growing teens. Say you’re at a barbecue with your neighbors, and you overhear someone excusing their son’s bad behavior, saying “boys will be boys.” Although it may be awkward to interject, consider speaking up and against this idea, asking why it seems so easy to use this phrase and waive consequences for young boys. Your friends and neighbors might not be used to challenging these notions, but by encouraging discussion on these ideas, you can work on avoiding negative cultural narratives in your community.Bringing the Conversation HomeAlthough it’s good to spread the idea of avoiding negative cultural narratives to your friends, talking to our own kids is just as important. Teenagers are subject to many cultural influences on a daily basis, so it’s important to help them decode the messages they receive from outside sources about gender roles.For example, the other side of the “boys will be boys” idea is a cultural implication that girls are delicate, polite and well mannered. This can be harmful to girls because it restricts them from expressing all the rage, passion, and excitement that life brings! Avoiding negative cultural narratives like these will help push our society toward greater gender equality.Mike talks about how we need to let girls have a punching bag--an outlet for ex...

Dr. Robert Keith Wallace, author of Dharma Parenting and an expert in the physiology-psychology connection, joins us for a lively discussion on how your teen's (and your) brain-body type may be affecting your relationship. Dr. Wallace clues us into the scientifically backed Ayurvedic doshas - vata, pitta, and kapha - and how to deal with each type.Full show notesParents Just Don’t UnderstandMaybe you love that your teen is a free spirit who dances to the beat of their own drum—but would it kill them to not leave every room in complete shambles? Maybe you love that your teen is so laid-back and easy going—until you leave them at home all day to finish their essay and when you return, they’re still watching TV and haven’t even written a word. Of course you love your teen with every fiber of your being, but that doesn’t mean you love everything they do. You want to encourage your kids to follow their instincts and be themselves but you get so exasperated when they insist on doing things the exact opposite way you would.Any attempt at understanding the teenage brain seems laughable and impossible. Every teenager is different, some let rejection roll off their back and others burst into tears when you give them the tiniest bit of criticism. Maybe all it takes for your daughter to get over a breakup is a fun filled day of shopping at the mall. But for your son, a breakup may send him into a spiral that’ll take him weeks to get out of. They might not believe it, you were once the same hormonal, moody, and angsty teenager as they are. But was understanding the teenage brain this difficult for your parents? How do your teens have half your DNA yet react to things so differently?What if there was a way of understanding the teenage brain that could make miscommunications between you and your teen obsolete (or at least a lot less frequent). Seem impossible? According to Dr. Robert Keith Wallace, it’s not. Wallace is the author of Dharma Parenting: Understand Your Child’s Brilliant Brain for Greater Happiness, Health, Success, and Fulfillment. He is a pioneer in physiology of consciousness research and has published work in the American Journal of Physiology and Scientific American. Along with his research in physiology, Wallace has studied the ancient Indian practice of Ayurveda for decades and has incorporated his findings into his book. Wallace is an expert in brain-body connections and has some excellent tips on understanding the teenage brain and stopping triggers that may be provoking your teen and you.Multiple PersonalitiesWallace states that understanding the teenage brain using Ayurvedic practices requires you to know three main brain-body types: pitta, vata, and kapha. These are essentially personality types that dictate how people behave in different situations. Pittas are the quintessential type-A personality; they are driven, regimented, and competitive. They prefer to be in charge and don’t like to be unprepared. Vata personalities are quite the opposite; they’re free-spirited, creative, adaptable, and adventurous. They’re often the life of the party and aren’t huge fans of staying on a schedule. Kaphas are easy going, even-keeled, affectionate, and reliable. They’re textbook Type-B personalities that are easy to get along with but can easily fade into the background in social settings. Knowing these three brain-body types are beneficial in understanding the teenage brain because identifying your teen’s type and your type will make it easier to manage daily life and resolve conflicts.Dr. Wallace can help you identify your teen’s brain-body type through his own experiences with his teens. He recognizes the telltale signs that you might not notice in your family to help you understand how these temperaments really look.After figuring out your teen’s brain-body type, you can better identify the triggers that cause them to be upset. For example, your pitta teen is furious at a boy for canceling on them last minute to go to the movies. You think “What’s the big deal, can’t they just reschedule?” Upon further reflection of their brain-body type you come to realize that pitta’s are the type to maintain a strict schedule. They are diligent about getting their school work done and want to make sure all their ducks are in a row before doing something fun and frivolous. They’re not the type to simply blow off their homework and go to the movies—and the fact that this boy told your teen last minute “Hey, I have a thing tonight and I gotta bail. You get it, right?” has put their whole night out of whack. Understanding the teenage brain by knowing your teen’s brain-body type can make it a lot easier to determine what your teen is actually upset about, especially if you are a different type yourself.Wallace states that the next step in understanding the teenage brain is helping your teens get along with people of alternate brain-body types. Say your daughter’s a kapha. She’s sensitive and empathetic, calm in times when everyone else is stressed, and she seems to take everything in stride. On the other hand, your son’s a vata. He’s always up for adventure, loves sharing his ideas with anyone who’ll listen, and he’s always brightening your day with his sunny disposition. As wonderful as they might be on their own, your daughter and son’s different brain-body types may cause them to butt heads. Conflict can arise when your son pressures your daughter to go to a loud concert that she feels totally out of place in. Or if your daughter forces her brother to stay in all night watching a TV marathon when he’d so rather be at the amusement park. To resolve conflicts like this, Wallace urges parents’ to act as moderators in their children’s interactions. For example, if you have a kapha child you need to make sure they have a voice in conversations, since they often let others overshadow them. For vata’s, let them speak first, so they can get all their energy and crazy ideas out of the way. For pitta’s, who tend to dominate conversations, urge them to hear out other people’s ideas before sharing their own opinions. Wallace provides other techniques for creating a harmonious balance amongst the different brain-body types in the episode.The Right Type of AttentionIn addition to understanding the teenage brain and identifying the three main brain-body types, Wallace also discusses the importance of identifying the difference between the right and the wrong type of attention you give to your teens. Teens need positive affirmations, support, and someone to confide in. They don’t need a parent who is judgmental, hard to please, and who puts too much pressure on them. This type of negative attention can create a lack of confidence in teens and can make them believe that they are incapable of ever achieving success, which is oftentimes the opposite effect parents intended to have on their children. Wallace says though hard, there is a way for teens to recover from negative experiences and rebuild their self esteem. To hear his solution for overcoming teen abuse, tune in to the episode.This interview about understanding the teenage brain with Wallace also includes...The power of taking a “coaching” approach to parentingThe 6 C’s to ...

Audrey Monke, author of Happy Campers, shares the wealth of knowledge she’s gained from mentoring kids and camp counselors for the past 30 years. It’s incredible just how many tricks from counseling campers can be applied in the home!Full show notesUnhappy CamperEveryone loves compliments, right? So you thought until you said to your teen, “You look so cute in the new sweater I gave you!” and you’re met with an eye roll. Oh yeah, you forgot that teens don’t like being called cute, that’s for children. This is one of many new hurdles that come with your kid getting older. You have to put up with things like waiting for your teen three blocks away when picking them up from practice or being absolutely silent when their friends ride with them in the car. While they’re treating you like a 2nd class citizen, they also expect you to fork over cash at any time and let them stay out until the wee hours with their friends on the weekends. If they really want to be treated like an adult, shouldn’t they be doing these things themselves?When you’re getting fed up with their snippiness and demand to be treated like an adult without actually having any adult responsibilities, you snap at them. You say “Why are you always so grumpy? What happened to the nice little girl you used to be?” Then, your teen goes into defense mode and insists that they’re not grumpy, you’re just a controlling nag who never leaves them alone. They refuse to see your side and storm off in a huff. This attempt at deliberate parenting by trying to be upfront about issues you’re having with your teen really backfired, huh?Practicing deliberate parenting and being intentional with your teen may sound simple, but taking action isn’t always easy. Sometimes you feel like you’re walking on eggshells to say the right thing. You never pictured parenting to be this bumpy and confusing. You swore that you wouldn’t turn into those parents but then your kid becomes a teen and it seems like nagging is the only way to stop their defiant behavior. How can you be direct with your teen when you have a problem with their behavior without getting them all worked up? To find the answer, this week I spoke with Audrey Monke, author of Happy Campers: 9 Summer Camp Secrets for Raising Kids Who Become Thriving Adults. Audrey is also the owner and director of Gold Arrow Camp in Lakeshore, California and is a writer and speaker on positive parenting techniques that she’s learned from her vast experiences with kids. These experiences, along with being a mother of five, has left Audrey with plenty of deliberate parenting techniques that we discuss in this episode.Accentuate the Positive, Eliminate the NegativeAudrey’s road to the unconventional career path of summer camp ownership started when she was a camp counselor in college. The experience completely changed her life when she realized the relationships she formed with the campers were special and unique. Because the counselors were young enough to be seen as older sibling-like figures instead of authority figures, the campers really opened up about their lives and struggles. They truly trusted the counselors’ advice and Audrey felt much more like a life coach than a babysitter to the campers. Eventually Audrey went on to buy the camp (at just 22-years old!) and has been operating it for over 30 years. From her vast experiences at the camp, she realized how helpful the lessons she learned from her time spent with campers could be to parents. The intentional and personable approach that the camp takes towards counseling the campers influenced her to write her book on deliberate parenting.The most crucial approach that Audrey teaches counselors at her camp is to give each of their campers one-on-one attention at least once a day. This could be something as small as taking time at the campfire to tell a camper “I really appreciate that you gave Kelsey the last juice box instead of taking it yourself. You’re so generous!” Audrey says that this technique translates to deliberate parenting when a parent takes note of all the kind, mature, responsible, or just fun things their teen does throughout a day. Of course, complimenting them on the spot is great but what can be even better is if you make time later in the day to commend them on their good behavior. Maybe when you’re saying goodnight to them, you can compliment them on how they told a funny story at dinner to lighten the mood when their sister had just lost her big championship basketball game. Your deliberate parenting technique of noticing their good behavior makes them feel like you notice their individual strengths.Another camp counselor technique that Audrey notes as extremely applicable to deliberate parenting is taking a positive approach when it comes to behavior management. This means when your teen is being grouchy, unkind, or distant, think about productive ways of confronting this behavior. Saying “Why are you being snarky with your siblings?” is accusatory and honestly, debatable. You might see it as snarky behavior while your teen insists that they are just standing up for themselves when their sibling is pestering them. You won’t get anywhere by using negative labels such as snarky because it will put your teen in a state of denial. Instead, use phrases like “Your sibling says that you haven’t been playing along with them much today. Is there a way we can change the situation so that you’ll have more fun with them?” This way it’s an open-ended, synergetic conversation where you’re genuinely interested in how your teen feels and how they would like to be treated in order for them to be less problematic. Tune into the episode to hear more no-drama approaches to deliberate parenting that will encourage positive communication with your teen.Daily InspirationalsIt’s pretty evident that Audrey is big on positivity when it comes to deliberate parenting. But that doesn’t mean that you have to constantly tell your kid how amazing they are. Instead, Audrey says that implementing small but meaningful messages of positivity can go a long way in creating a loving, affirming family culture. She suggests leaving simple yet uplifting messages in places your teen can’t miss, like the back of the bathroom door. Writing positive phrases like “Improve yourself today” or “Your greatest challenges lead to your greatest successes” on a note card can really help implement encouragement into your teens daily life when they expect it the least. And sometimes these messages can really improve a crappy day or at the very least remind your kids how much you care about their happiness. Even if they tell you it's cheesy, they’ll secretly cherish these sweet messages and appreciate your efforts to practice deliberate parenting.In this episode, Audrey and I go in depth about deliberate parenting practices you can implement with your teen. In addition to Audrey’s go-tos for creating a positive, mindful family environment, you will discover:How to turn “labels” into solutionsThe subtle language shift that makes all the differenceThe link between homesickness and a parent’s confidence in their kidHow to identify “hot spots” and “prime times” to optimize the good times and puzzle out the stressI’m so excite...

Barbara Schneider, co-author of “Becoming Adult”, speaks with Andy about her research on how teens’ environment can influence their thoughts and beliefs on college, work, and what’s possible for them. Full show notesHere’s a surprising fact: most teens have NO idea what they want to do when they “grow up.” And even the ones who do have no idea how to get there. Unfortunately, this can make it more difficult for teens to get through college in in concise timeframe and find their place in the world. Luckily, we can help you understand how to help your teenager find their passion.Having a vocation can mean a world of difference when it comes to helping your teen prepare for the future. A strong passion can make clear the steps your child needs to take in order to succeed in a competitive world. However, teens often view the tasks they have to complete -like math homework or going to college- as work, something that they have to do because they’re told to it. Without meaning or purpose, your teenager’s responsibilities become synonymous with another way to pass the time.So, how are you supposed to know how to help your teenager find their passion when It’s hard for them to distinguish between what they have to do and what they want to do. This can deter adolescents from engaging their responsibilities and prevent them from looking to the future with excitement. They may grow frustrated at having to switch jobs every two years – and in turn it makes their parents question if their teen will ever find their place in the workforce. That’s why the focus of our Talking to Teens podcast this week is vocational preparation and how to help your teenager find their passion.This week I spoke with Barbara Schneider, researcher and author of Becoming Adult: How Teenagers Prepare for the World of Work about career opportunities, planning for the future, and how foster a productive environment for kids. She is a distinguished professor in the College of Education and Department of Sociology at Michigan State University and the co-author of 15 books, numerous journal articles, and previous editor of Educational Evaluation and Policy Analysis and Sociology of Education. If anyone knows how to help your teenager find their passion, it’s Barbara.Barbara’s research and teaching focus on understanding teen psychology. More specifically, how the social contexts of schools and families influence the academic and social well-being of adolescents as they move into adulthood. With a particular emphasis on improving educational opportunities for students with limited economic and social resources, her research can show you how to help your teenager find their passion.In the book, she conducted a study following teenagers’ journey from high school into adulthood. By focusing on how entering college shifted their perceptions of work, Schneider found that exposing teens to different experiences is how to help your teenager find their passion. Primarily, we talk about the exposure of two key insights:What Kinds of Jobs Actually ExistBalanced Perspective (Outlook) to WorkDuring our conversation, Barbara clued me in on how to help your teenager find their passion through exposure to broad career opportunities and a mindset prepared for the future. We also discuss the concept of work “flow,” the Path Model schematic, and different ways to access these focal points with your teen so that you can explore their vocation together. Here’s how it works:Can you See the Future from Where You’re At?A primary unanticipated reason why teenagers don’t know what to do in life is because they aren’t aware of what’s out there. How are you supposed to know that you really wanted to be a film editor or a biochemist if you didn’t know those jobs existed in the first place? The answer is, you don’t! For parents, knowing how to help your teenager find their passion starts with exposing your kids to what kinds of jobs actually exist. Teens need to be made aware of all the potential options that are available to pursue because their vocation could be hiding among them.Exploring different kinds of occupations can help your teen identify a career they’re passionate about by following paths that experts have created in their respective fields. According to Schneider, one place you can take actionable steps to locate mentors and widen your teen’s sphere of information is within your own community!It’s a good idea to start broadening your teen’s awareness of careers with local options. There are shared cultural values and cognizance in communities that your child might find accessible. This might mean doing outreach in your community through basic web searches, visiting local business centers, and paying regular visits to the library, a popular cultural hub for organizing. You can also speak directly with others at communal events like concerts, holiday gatherings, and art showcases.Schneider suggests that niche communities are also a good place to expose your teen to more opportunities because they’re more likely to find experts who are passionate about what they do. She says it’s how you can get connected to people who are animators or engineers, artisan experts with insight into a particular craft.Specialists can be found locally in almost any trade and truly educate you on how to help your teenager find their passion with the know-how they’ve acquired through experience. They can inform you about what programs and prerequisites your child should pursue, further exposing your teen to new potential interests.Exposure to experts in their field is another way that teens can learn about what options are even open to them and how to pursue those interests. Consequently, exposing your teen to broad opportunities is how to help your teenager find their passion and the actionable steps to pursue it.What Does Your Teen Feel About Work?Knowing how to help your teenager find their passion can only be accomplished if you know what their relationship to work is like. In the podcast, Barbara classifies teens into several categories that can help us understand how teens interpret their responsibilities. Chief among these classifications are “the workers” and “the players.”According to Barbara, workers want straight A’s and will put in the effort to get there. However, someone with a labor-intensive mindset might view their responsibilities according – work! This perspective might minimize someone’s passion for their responsibilities because they conceive agendas as a series of necessary tasks. Think of this personality as the opposite of Emerson’s proverb, “It’s not the destination. It’s the journey.” A worker is all about the destination.If you’re a player, all you want to do is have a good time! Players might make the most of their situation and look for a silver lining in their tasks, but they don’t perceive their workloads as such. They don’t really consider the consequences of their actions in a serious way and therefore lack a consistent ability to plan ahead.Exposing your teens to a balance between the two perspectives can transform how your teen comprehends their duties. When you can find a way to make it so that your interests became your main source of self-sufficiency, you’d be both excited for your job as well as aware of the consequences. Understanding how to help your teen find their passion means giving them the mindset explore their interests wi...

Linda McGurk, author of There's No Such Thing As Bad Weather, clues us in on the surprising benefits of outdoor time...and how to get your kid out there in the first place!Full show notesAfter another long day of quarantine, you exit your office and see your two teenagers sitting on the couch, engrossed in their phones. How can they look at the screen for so long? If you were them, you’d be running around outside, playing games with friends. You step towards the door, adn thoughts of fresh air run through your head. Outside, a cool breeze floats down the street, easing the feel of the warm afternoon sun. You think to yourself, we ought to be spending more time outside as a family.In theory, getting the family out for a day of fun should be an easy task. In practice, though, you know it isn’t easy. How can you get your kids to recognize the importance of outdoor activities for a teenager if you can barely get them to put down their phone?In the pre-internet era, you would try to find any reason to get out the front door. Nobody wanted to hang out at home under the watchful eye of parental supervision. Nowadays, the internet has transformed social life onto a convenient little screen, allowing friends to connect from the comfort of the couch. In turn, the outdoor experience has become lost to many teens. How can parents help reintroduce the importance of outdoor activities for a teenager?Glad you asked! This week, TTT hosts Linda McGurk, an expert on both the outdoors and parenting. Linda runs the blog, Rain or Shine Mamma, where she shares her tips for maintaining her outdoor lifestyle with children. She also wrote the book, There’s No Such Thing As Bad Weather: A Scandinavian Mom’s Secrets for Raising Healthy, Resilient and Confident Kids.Growing up in Sweden, Linda was introduced to the outdoors at a young age. In the U.S. she fell in love with the landscape, but was shocked at how often parents kept their kids indoors. Drawing on her Scandinavian childhood, she began to raise her kids in harmony with nature to help them recognize the importance of the outdoors. Here’s an in-depth look at just one of Linda’s tricks to reintroducing the importance of outdoor activities for a teenager.Screen-Free SundaysThe concept of Screen-Free Sundays is a little surprising to hear. These days, one can barely go an hour without looking at a screen, whether it be a tablet, phone, or TV. How are teens going to spend a whole day without their screens? How can you introduce them to the importance of outdoor activities for a teenager?The goal of Screen-Free Sundays isn’t to pry screens for the hands of your teens. Rather, the goal is to regulate screen time to prevent teens from staying glued to the couch for 5 hours straight. Linda notes that the concept of Screen-Free Sundays, probably won’t go over well when you first bring it up, especially if your teens normally have unrestrained access to devices on a normal Sunday.Linda did not have immediate success when initiating the first couple Screen-Free Sundays. Her youngest daughter fought the immediate changes to her lifestyle while Linda remained steadfast to having a screen free day. The refusal of either side to compromise on the screen free policy caused disaster in the McGurk household. “It was hard to go ‘cold turkey,’” McGurk says.Linda was able to find common ground with her children with devices on Sunday through two distinct approaches. By using these techniques, Screen-Free Sundays became a hit as the importance of outdoor activities for a teenager became realized by both the kids and the parents. Now, Linda enjoys planning which excursion to go on every weekend. In summer popular activities are picnics or hikes, while the winter provides a great atmosphere for weekend ice-skating.It’s wonderful to hear about how successful Linda was when implementing her strategies to get everyone outside. But what were the strategies Linda used that led to success? And how can you help your kids recognize the importance of outdoor activities for a teenager?Tip #1: Confidence in CompromiseInitially, Linda struggled to implement Screen-Free Sundays with her family. We all know it’s challenging to get people off their phones and demonstrate the importance of outdoor activities for a teenager, but in practice it can be hard to think up ideas to get everyone off the screen and outside.Linda had more success when she compromised and allowed her teens to have some screen time on Screen-Free Sundays. The trick was to gradually phase out screen time for her teens. This allowed the whole family to ease into the screen-free lifestyle. Initially, she allowed her daughter to watch her favorite TV show as her designated screen time. This helped her daughter get through the day without causing an outburst of anger or tears.Parents can apply this strategy to their implementation of Screen-Free Sundays. Instead of demanding everyone to stay off screens the whole day, perhaps you could restrict screen time to an hour of the day instead of forcing everyone to stay off the whole day. Alternatively, parents can restrict screen time to a single device for a set time period. No matter what method you choose, easing teens into Screen-Free Sundays is a must if you want to demonstrate the importance of outdoor activities for a teenager.Tip #2: Inclusive IdeasTo emphasize the importance of outdoor activities for a teenager, it’s important to get the whole family involved in planning Screen-Free Sundays. A trick to getting the teens on board, Linda says, is to have them write down ideas on sticky notes for screen-free weekend activities. The week before, a note is drawn from a bowl to allow everyone a chance to plan for the Sunday. Having a bowl of ideas is crucial because it engages the whole family for input on activities during Screen-Free Sundays.The Idea Jar helped engage Linda’s kids when it came to Screen-Free Sundays. The opportunity to have input into the family’s plan helped everyone buy into the concept of going without a screen for a day. The bowl gave a voice to her kids, allowing them to feel included and valued in family discussions. The jar also motivated her kids to get off the couch and reminded them the importance of outdoor activities for a teenager.While it might seem fun to implement an Idea Jar for the family to use, the jar gets at a core function of parent-teen relations: communication. Parents and teens often have trouble communicating because teens believe they deserve more autonomy and responsibility and want adults to treat their voice as equal in discourse. The Idea Jar is great because it creates a platform for equal discourse that is less likely to result in a yelling match between parents and teens.While Screen-Free Sundays can be one solution to demonstrating the importance of outdoor activities for a teenager, it might not be the right solution for your family. In the rest of the podcast, Linda and Andy discuss many additional concepts to help you get your teens outside. Some additional concepts discussed in the podcast are…‘Friluftsliv’: leaving civilization and reconnecting with natureModeling outdoor lifestylesBalancing screens and choresFree play and the outdoors for childr...

Erin Clabough joins us for a discussion on the importance of giving teens the right amount of power...and making sure they know how to use it! Instilling a value of empathy is key to making sure teens wield power fairly. And how do you do that? Erin says bribing is an option!Full show notesYour Punk KidDo you ever have moments where you look at your teen and think “Wow, sometimes you can be a total jerk.” While you love them, sometimes they do things that are so vile, you wonder if they are even your kid! Maybe when teaching teens responsibility, your kid becomes a complete tyrant with even the smallest bit of power. All you did was tell your teen they’re in charge of dropping off their sibling at school and suddenly, they fly into a rage if their sibling is even a minute late walking out the door.As a parent, you want to be teaching teens responsibility without giving them free reign to take advantage of you at every turn. When they ask you permission to do fun things, you genuinely want to say yes more often than no, but if you give them an inch, they’re certainly going to take a mile. This is one of the biggest fears that comes with teaching teens responsibility. Your teen thinks that because you said they can go on a weekend trip with their boyfriend, it’s ok for them to come home from his house at 2am on any given weekend. Or because you let your teen borrow your nice new car once, they’re allowed to start offering rides to their friends all the time.When teaching teens responsibility, parents should focus on helping their kid learn to take charge and be a leader while also maintaining respect and empathy for others. Obviously this is a hard task. Simultaneously encouraging teens to be assertive and patient requires a level of restraint that most teenagers might not have. For example, you want them to advocate for themselves when their voice isn’t being heard but not demand too much and come off as difficult. So how do you go about teaching teens responsibility in regards to balancing their power? In today’s episode, I discuss this with Erin Clabough, PhD. She is a neurologist, professor, and the author of Second Nature: How Parents Can Use Neuroscience to Help Kids Develop Empathy, Creativity, and Self-Control. Dr. Clabough has written articles for Psychology Today, Mind Body Green, and Today Parenting about how an understanding of neuroscience can help parents teach their teens how to balance authority with empathy.Don’t be Spineless!Before authoring her first book on teaching teens responsibility, Dr. Clabough was working in a neurology lab studying the spines found within neurons inside the brain. While observing how neurotransmitters in spines connect each individual neuron together by passing signals between them using synapses, she had a realization. She could use this process of passing signals between neurons in spines as a model for parenting. Dr. Clabough explains how the spines adapt to experiences going on in their external environment. Positive experiences that bring about happy emotions enable a spine to create new connections, or synapses, between neurons in the brain. In a human, this could be exemplified by a child growing up with parents who are supportive and accepting. The love from their parents creates a comfortable environment for the child to grow up in and therefore promotes healthy brain development. On the other hand, traumatizing or damaging experiences can stunt brain growth. For example, a child whose parents went through a rocky divorce may have stunted brain growth because this event made them feel uncomfortable in the environment they were growing up in. During the time of the divorce, the lack of stability resulting from parents who refuse to have a civil relationship can rob a child of the gratification they need to develop new synapses in the brain.Dr. Clabough decided that the concept of her book would be how parents can use the idea of healthy experiences influencing healthy brain development as a metaphor for encouraging positive behavior and teaching teens responsibility. She explains that the process of synapses forming between neurons could be used as a metaphor for positive moments that occur in your teen’s life being a bridge for them to develop new skills. These moments can be as simple as your teen deciding to spend time with their grandparents instead of going to a party they’ve been excited about for two weeks. Or your teen inviting someone who’s sitting alone to eat lunch with their friends at school. Dr. Clabough emphasizes that parents need to savor these moments and continually commend their teens for making these mature decisions even when they don’t have to. This parental affirmation encourages teens to continually display generosity, which helps them grow into more well-rounded people.Giving Them the PowerParents must recognize that teens want control and the only effective way of teaching teens responsibility is to give it to them. But that doesn’t mean they should always be in control. For families with multiple kids, Dr. Clabough recognizes that the oldest child is often given more power than the others because they are seen as the mature one and therefore take on a somewhat parental role towards the other siblings. However, she says it’s extremely important to monitor power amongst your kids. If the oldest gets too accustomed to taking charge, they may develop a large ego or be unwilling to let another sibling ever make decisions for the group. So when you’re traveling together as a family, try asking the middle child where you should all go to lunch. Or when you’re going to the movies, ask the youngest what film you should see. This lets your kid know that it’s ok to take the lead as long as you’re also letting other people have their turn to be in charge.When teaching teens responsibility by giving their sibling the ability to choose, there will be times when a controlling first born will say “no fair, I got to choose the movie last time!” Or the youngest might say “Just because he’s the oldest doesn’t mean he gets to boss us around!” If your kids put up a fight when control is taken away from them, Dr. Clabough offers suggestions for diffusing the situation in this episode.Dr. Clabough acknowledges that a desire for power exists not only in the home, it’s also a large part of teenage culture. Social hierarchies form in high school because of teens’ desires for power and influence—which is all rooted in the need for dopamine. Everyone seeks dopamine highs but teenagers in particular have a stronger need for it. When teaching teens responsibility, parents must not discourage their teen’s needs but instead make sure the dopamine rushes they seek are healthy. For example, it’s okay for them to want to be on top, like if they are awarded prom queen or voted most likely to succeed in the school yearbook. But these momentary feelings of power and influence need to be balanced with times when they let others take the spotlight. Experiencing what it's like to be a winner and what it’s like to be on the sidelines is an important part of teaching teens responsibility and empathy.Empathy is the AnswerThe most important thing that you should take away from this inte...

Joanna Guest shares the lessons she (re)learned about meaningfully connecting with your kids while curating her book, Folded Wisdom, a collection of the best of Joanna’s dad’s 4775 notes to her and her brother. An inspiring story packed with parenting take-aways.Full show notesDo you ever feel like the week goes by and you haven’t really connected with your teen? You might look back to find that every conversation was about getting somewhere on time, making a plan for dinner, or providing reminders about something that needs to get done. Maybe you had the best intentions–you sincerely planned to bring up a touchy subject or share something deep–but life just got in the way. You’re not alone.Connecting with kids can be hard. It’s a common complaint from parents in today’s busy, over-scheduled, technology-driven world that they haven’t had the time to build a more meaningful relationship. So how can you connect with your teen on an intimate level when life is passing by too quickly? That’s the subject of this week’s Talking to Teens podcast episode, “Make Meaningful Connections.”This week I spoke with Joanna Guest about what parents can do to break out of the mundane industrious pace of life, start connecting with kids, and develop positive, memorable, and real moments with your family. Joanna is the author of Folded Wisdom: Notes from Dad on Life, Love, and Growing Up, a beautiful and heartwarming book about how her father made meaningful connections with her.When Joanna’s younger brother, Theo, showed no interest in reading, a teacher suggested their dad write notes to pique the little guy’s curiosity. Joanna’s dad took the idea and ran with it, writing both Theo and Joanna a note with an illustration every single morning to take to school. And he kept it up for 14 years, ultimately writing 4775 letters. If anyone knows about staying committed to connecting with kids, it’s the Guest family.While this practice is proof of a father’s deep commitment to his children, these daily messages also demonstrate the true path to connecting with kids: a willingness to be vulnerable. Unlike his daily communication, which often felt routine and rushed, the notes hit on deep topics, life lessons, and – when he couldn’t find time to connect – small doses of openness made all the difference. In the podcast, we talk about how sharing vulnerability helps you maintain a deep relationship with your kids by way of three tangible virtues:Truthful CommunicationPersonal TouchesIntimate LessonsThe bond that Joanna and her father display in this book is unique but that doesn't mean it can't help us implement these impactful parenting elements in our own lives. Here's how it works:Let’s Talk About Truthful CommunicationSpeaking truthfully is when you simply authentically express what emotions you’re feeling in your heart. When you focus these thoughts on what’s between you your teen, you're displaying a personal and intimate reflection of the relationship and how you feel about them. The good news is, honest communication doesn’t even have to be particularly profound or complex to be effective. With his notes, Joanna’s father achieved this simply by writing “I love you” on a folded piece of paper when the family didn’t have time to convene on weekday mornings.Communicating truthfully demonstrates a willingness to show vulnerability because it is an act of sharing yourself, flaws and all. When you speak your truth, the point is not to always provide a polished answer for your teen. You don’t want connecting with kids to be a fake process. A common parenting myth is that you always have to have an answer for everything; you must constantly be prepared for everything that comes your way, 24/7. But speaking truthfully from your own standpoint with your teen can help pull back the curtain and let them know you’re only human.If your child approaches you with a particularly challenging problem, responding with “I don’t know” is a valid opportunity for you to connect with your teen. When you speak truthfully about your inability to find a solution, instead of providing an exact answer, you’re displaying that you’re both vulnerable to whatever this problem is. Connecting with kids also means relating to them, and when you speak honestly about common issues, you’re conveying solidarity.Whether it’s dealing with a breakup, a tricky math problem, or deciding on college options, speaking honestly will clue your teen in to your presence. Once this happens, you can solve whatever problem they’re facing together.Truth and PrioritiesSpeaking truthfully also helps parents connecting with kids by informing teens about who you are, specifically, what you prioritize in life. For example, if you’re work-life is too demanding, teens can interpret a busy parent as someone who doesn’t have an investment in their life. The limited time you do have to spend with your teen might seem second hand, like solely exists around necessary family tasks (i.e. eating meals or school drop-off), and so they might feel the need to build connections elsewhere.If you speak honestly and address genuine concerns about how your parenting is perceived, you’re displaying vulnerability to criticism, asking your teen for insight, and prioritizing your interest in who they are. You might say something like, “I we could spend more time together” or “I would like to get to know you better.” Small declarations of truth like these make up the more meaningful selection of notes featured in Joanna’s book. When you’re truthful with your teen, it might help them understand what is going on in your life more clearly and they’re more likely to respond in kind.Honesty When There’s No Time for Connecting with KidsIn the book, Joanna’s father was able to write a note every single day, and it’s sweet because it demonstrates the longevity of the act. But not everyone has the time or creativity to pull off this kind of practice when connecting with kids. Truthful communication helps you connect with your teen because there isn’t any planning or artificiality in the act; you can develop a genuine bond with brief interactions that are made meaningful because there’s no filter.One of the most effective means of honest communication that we talk about is when Joanna’s father reached out with a note after they got into a fight when she was younger. He simply wrote down the next morning, “I hope you can find a way not to be angry. I love you.” Even when you don’t have anything to say, you can simply just communicate how you feel about your child.As a parent, you want to communicate how you feel, and letting your child know you love them and just want what’s best can emphasize that you’re a supporting figure in their life. These small moments of truth are how Joanna’s father brought in simplicity to her complicated life as a teenager, providing uncomplicated access to an emotional positivity. This honesty can foster trust and demonstrate care, deepening how you’re connecting with kids.To hear about how Personal Touches and Intimate Lessons play into connecting with kids, don’t tune in to listen to the whole episode!I was blown away at how wise and poignant Joanna’s advice was for parents of teenagers today. Among other things, she told me:How to teach lessons without being so “teach-y” (...

Author Katherine Lewis speaks with Andy about why kids lack resilience and capability more than ever. By rescuing kids from every micro stressor they may encounter, parents are doing more harm than good - and when it comes to behavior, we want the good stuff!Full show notesThere are teens out there that have NO idea how to do the laundry, cook a meal, manage their time, pay bills–the list goes on. And that’s not even mentioning the poor behavior and attitude they throw at their parents and other adults. It’s frustrating to say the least! But don’t worry, there are steps you can take to improve resilience and capability in teens.Despite the generational differences that you may have with your teen, it’s still possible to build character in your teenager and impart resilience and capability. But this problem requires updated methods. Today, a majority of teens have mood or behavioral disorders because they’ve grown up in a generation simultaneous loose structure and overparenting.In this day and age, there aren’t many opportunities to develop resilience and capability in teens. This has left teens in a state of poor mental health and dependency. You might be asking yourself, “When will my teen grow up? When will they listen?” Luckily, Katherine Lewis, my guest on this week’s podcast and author of The Good News About Bad Behavior, wondered the same thing.Katherine is an award-winning journalist, author, and speaker on topics including parenting, children, education, mental health in teens, relationships to technology, work culture, entrepreneurship, caregiving, equity, and inclusion. Her work addressing resilience and capability in teens, family conflicts, and building character- building has been featured in a number of publications, including The Atlantic, Bloomberg Businessweek, Fortune, and The New York Times.She first got involved with the problem of bad behavior and poor mental health in children after a run in with some rowdy boys on a playground. They were throwing a ball around without any regard to the safety of the little kids nearby. When she asked them to stop, she says they looked at her … and then carried on exactly what they were doing. She was shocked. If speaking to a child as an adult can’t instill resilience and capability in teens, what can? After more than a year of researching current adolescent developmental trends for her book, Katherine has some answers.One thing that stood out to Katherine in her research was that all the “saving” parents have been told to do is actually working against our kids. Rather than rescue them from stressful situations, the science shows that you should let them muster through conflict and minor trauma, to come out on the other side with more resilience and capability in teens.With enough practice dealing with conflicts on their own, teenagers will gain more responsibility and behave accordingly. That’s the basis of Katherine’s Apprenticeship Model of parenting, self-regulation. In her coaching sessions, Katherine helps parents shift their mindset and parenting practice toward helping their kids acquire skills and knowledge necessary for them to become happy, healthy, contributing adults.Using The Apprenticeship Model, Katherine argues that self-regulation prevents behavioral issues and mental disorders in teens and builds resilience and capability in teens. Self-regulation operates through three core disciplines:ConnectionCommunicationCompetenceIn the podcast, Katherine walks me through how these elements can build character and strengthen resilience and capability in teens. Here’s how it works:ConnectionConnection doesn’t mean sitting with your teen on the couch watching Netflix twice a week and joining for meals regularly. More than that, connection is one-on-one time outside the purview of screens that you have with your teen, typically dedicated to an activity of your child’s choosing. When you connect with your child, you’re supplying intimacy and comradery that encourages them to follow through on the challenging things you ask of them.Essentially, being connected with your teen functions in self-regulation by showing your teen that they’re part of something bigger; they’re not just an island. When you show your teen that they’re part of a family and part of a relationship, that sense of belonging motivates them to maintain their responsibilities, boosting resilience and capability in teens to even go the extra mile and take on new commitments!If you spend quality time with your child going for walks, playing board games, or even just talking for moderate stretches of time, you’re exchanging personalities and investing one another. When it comes time to make dinner, it’ll make them happy to give you relief from doing this task after a long day of work. Choosing to do so is an act of self-regulation. Your shared happiness then becomes a reward and mitigates bad behavior.Being connected also means that your teen won’t want to hurt or disappoint you in any way, steadily implementing resilience and capability in teens. Even if you disagree, the exchange is more likely to be cordial and productive. The same innocuous sentiment extends toward mental health. When you’re not close with your teen, they could feel like an outsider to the family. If your teen feels like they can’t reach out to their parents, people that they’re supposed to confide in, it can lead to anxiety, depression, self-harm, substance addiction, and suicidal thoughts.Instilling resilience and capability in teens starts with having an interconnected relationship with their parents. Connection works to prevent these disorders in teens by providing your them with a support system and personal motivational as part of a group. In this way, your teen will share in your happiness and internalize your support when they lack confidence.Your teen won’t be able to function independently if they don’t feel self-assured and whole. Ironically, when your teen is connected to a larger group of people, this instills resilience and capability in teens, and they can better self-regulate their actions and responsibilities with more independence. To hear Katherine’s list of special connection time activities and best practices, you’ll have to tune in to the podcast!On the other hand, Katherine’s approach to communication is decidedly not emotional. When addressing your teen’s bad behavior, she says that you should only communicate around what’s needed. This provides resilience and capability in teens by focusing them on what is essential. While your teen does need to go through trials of learning as they grow up to understand the importance of their actions, it’ doesn’t mean you have to get dragged into preparing a lecture every time you want to communicate something important to your teen.If your teen forgets to do the dishes, you don’t want to shame your child or make them feel bad to become self-regulating. Parenting through shame actually diminishes resilience and capability in teens. Rather, you can save yourself some stress by simply pointing out the consequences of their actions, only communicating the cause and effect needed to get the job done. You might say something like, “You know we need dishes to be clean so we can eat on them later tonight. If you don’t do the dishes, we won’t be able to eat dinner.” This points out the consequences that are sure to follow when your teen doesn’t take their responsibilities seriously.Ove...

Christine Koh, author of Minimalist Parenting, reveals how to get more out of your family life by doing LESS. She says “minimalism” isn’t about getting rid of apps and toilet paper, it’s about making room for the stuff that helps your family thrive while cutting back on everything else.Full show notesDoes your life reflect your strongest values?You can value travel, and still spend 50 weeks of the year in your own county. You can value the outdoors, and still get no closer to fresh air than your car window five days of the week. You might value time with your kids, and still encourage them to take on a ton of extracurriculars. This is all fine, right?We make sacrifices for our family all the time, even if we’re sacrificing what we value most. We can still be comfortable and not do what’s most important to us. Why make changes that aren’t necessary?As we go through life, it’s easy to get stuck in our ways, even if our ways don’t reflect our strongest values. This might not sound like the biggest problem in the world, but think about it…If our way of living doesn’t reflect our strongest values, what does that teach our kids?Values are one of the most effective ways you can influence a teenager. Once your child gets into the teenage years, it becomes extremely difficult to influence their daily activities. But if you impart strong values that your teen can live by, you can keep the door open to conversations about values later into their adult lives.Reshaping our lives to reflect our most important values is a lot easier said than done. However, the woman I speak with in this episode insists that with a minimalist family life, making room for what’s important is totally possible!Before I introduce her, though, let me just say:A minimalist family life is NOT what it sounds like.Christine Koh runs FIVE businesses! (And yes, she’s here to talk about minimalism.) She is the founder and editor of the award-winning blog Boston Mamas, the graphic designer behind Posh Peacock, and a digital strategist at The Mission List. She is a speaker, a writer, and co-author of the practical and humorous book, Minimalist Parenting: Enjoy Modern Family Life More By Doing Less. She might sound like the farthest thing from a minimalist, but she insists that a minimalist family life is what frees her up to do what she values most.Foundational ValuesChristine decided to co-author the book, Minimalist Parenting, because she found it especially hard as a parent to define her own family’s values and stand up for them. She points out that there is so much noise about what your family’s values should be.For example, parents feel compelled by the popular culture to have their teens do a million activities at once, or they’ll never get into college. For some families, that’s totally fine! They might like being busy. But Christine knows that in her family, her kids need a lot of down time. Her kids can’t focus on their homework and chores if they’re too saturated with activities they don’t care about. It was hard for her family to say, “No! We’re only going to do one activity per season!” They had to do it, though, in order to honor their own key values.She says it’s really important to identify your family’s key values because everything else in your life will be founded on those. Quiet times, space, sleep, and a minimalist family life are all part of Christine’s key values. If her family isn’t getting those three things, life begins to get a bit dysfunctional.Balancing ValuesWhat if your personal values differ from your spouse’s, though? Christine can speak personally to this.Remember those five companies Christine runs? Well, her husband isn’t so on board with how diverted her energy can become. Having different projects is something that Christine loves and values in her life, while her husband values more quality time away from work. They needed toThe two of them have worked very hard to balance their values and create a minimalist family life. They have to be very clear about how Christine can stop working at the end of each day and be present with her family. At the same time, her husband knows that he must sacrifice some one-on-one time to support her career goals. And their balance is working great!When key values are identified and balanced, everyone in the household benefits.What does it look like practically, though, to identify key values and balance them?A “More” and “Less” ListOne of Christine’s favorite tools for creating a minimalist family life by identifying key values is a More and Less List.A More and Less List is just what it sounds like. It’s a list with two columns. One side is the “More” column, and the other is the “Less” column. The trick, Christine says, is to be honest with your thoughts. Turn off your inner critic. No one has to see this list except you. Now, write what you genuinely want more and less of in your life!Maybe it’s less running around, more time with friends outdoors, or having a more minimalist family life in general.Once you have your thoughts on paper, you can make a plan to edit your life. Get rid of stuff that is unnecessary, and make room for what is really important to you. Work on creating a minimalist family life that isn’t complicated by things that aren’t adding value to your life.If you wrote down that you want to learn more, maybe you can rent some audiobooks from your local library, and listen to them during your commutes. If you wrote down that you want to be driving your kids less, maybe set up a carpool rotation with another family.Christine’s other favorite part about making a list, is that the exercise can help you realize that the stuff you want more of is within reach!Coffee Punch Cards and YouResearch shows that when you feel like you’re part of the way towards achieving a goal, you’re more likely to take action to achieve it. Just think about coffee punch cards! If you have an unpunched card, well, that’s not motivating. But if you have a card with one or two punches already in it, then you feel like you’re already on your way to winning that free coffee!A More and Less List is like a coffee punch card. It helps you see that you’re already on your way to achieving your goals. The list helps you realize that you can make changes to your life, and that in some ways you’ve already started to make such changes. It’s this ability to make changes that is at the heart of a minimalist family life.Even if one of your minimalist family life goals is just “clean the playroom,” you might need to break the job down into baby steps to make it more approachable. It’s not that you don’t know how to clean the playroom, but that the scope of the task can seem overwhelming if you’re tired and stressed.Taking a couple extra minutes to break the task into baby steps makes it more approachable and less dreadful. Kinda like the coffee punch card! This is why taking small steps is a valuable commodity in adopting a minimalist family life.So Many More Possibilities!