Audrey Monke, author of Happy Campers, shares the wealth of knowledge she’s gained from mentoring kids and camp counselors for the past 30 years. It’s incredible just how many tricks from counseling campers can be applied in the home!Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation.Full show notesUnhappy CamperEveryone loves compliments, right? So you thought until you said to your teen, “You look so cute in the new sweater I gave you!” and you’re met with an eye roll. Oh yeah, you forgot that teens don’t like being called cute, that’s for children. This is one of many new hurdles that come with your kid getting older. You have to put up with things like waiting for your teen three blocks away when picking them up from practice or being absolutely silent when their friends ride with them in the car. While they’re treating you like a 2nd class citizen, they also expect you to fork over cash at any time and let them stay out until the wee hours with their friends on the weekends. If they really want to be treated like an adult, shouldn’t they be doing these things themselves?When you’re getting fed up with their snippiness and demand to be treated like an adult without actually having any adult responsibilities, you snap at them. You say “Why are you always so grumpy? What happened to the nice little girl you used to be?” Then, your teen goes into defense mode and insists that they’re not grumpy, you’re just a controlling nag who never leaves them alone. They refuse to see your side and storm off in a huff. This attempt at deliberate parenting by trying to be upfront about issues you’re having with your teen really backfired, huh?Practicing deliberate parenting and being intentional with your teen may sound simple, but taking action isn’t always easy. Sometimes you feel like you’re walking on eggshells to say the right thing. You never pictured parenting to be this bumpy and confusing. You swore that you wouldn’t turn into those parents but then your kid becomes a teen and it seems like nagging is the only way to stop their defiant behavior. How can you be direct with your teen when you have a problem with their behavior without getting them all worked up? To find the answer, this week I spoke with Audrey Monke, author of Happy Campers: 9 Summer Camp Secrets for Raising Kids Who Become Thriving Adults. Audrey is also the owner and director of Gold Arrow Camp in Lakeshore, California and is a writer and speaker on positive parenting techniques that she’s learned from her vast experiences with kids. These experiences, along with being a mother of five, has left Audrey with plenty of deliberate parenting techniques that we discuss in this episode.Accentuate the Positive, Eliminate the NegativeAudrey’s road to the unconventional career path of summer camp ownership started when she was a camp counselor in college. The experience completely changed her life when she realized the relationships she formed with the campers were special and unique. Because the counselors were young enough to be seen as older sibling-like figures instead of authority figures, the campers really opened up about their lives and struggles. They truly trusted the counselors’ advice and Audrey felt much more like a life coach than a babysitter to the campers. Eventually Audrey went on to buy the camp (at just 22-years old!) and has been operating it for over 30 years. From her vast experiences at the camp, she realized how helpful the lessons she learned from her time spent with campers could be to parents. The intentional and personable approach that the camp takes towards counseling the campers influenced her to write her book on deliberate parenting.The most crucial approach that Audrey teaches counselors at her camp is to give each of their campers one-on-one attention at least once a day. This could be something as small as taking time at the campfire to tell a camper “I really appreciate that you gave Kelsey the last juice box instead of taking it yourself. You’re so generous!” Audrey says that this technique translates to deliberate parenting when a parent takes note of all the kind, mature, responsible, or just fun things their teen does throughout a day. Of course, complimenting them on the spot is great but what can be even better is if you make time later in the day to commend them on their good behavior. Maybe when you’re saying goodnight to them, you can compliment them on how they told a funny story at dinner to lighten the mood when their sister had just lost her big championship basketball game. Your deliberate parenting technique of noticing their good behavior makes them feel like you notice their individual strengths.Another camp counselor technique that Audrey notes as extremely applicable to deliberate parenting is taking a positive approach when it comes to behavior management. This means when your teen is being grouchy, unkind, or distant, think about productive ways of confronting this behavior. Saying “Why are you being snarky with your siblings?” is accusatory and honestly, debatable. You might see it as snarky behavior while your teen insists that they are just standing up for themselves when their sibling is pestering them. You won’t get anywhere by using negative labels such as snarky because it will put your teen in a state of denial. Instead, use phrases like “Your sibling says that you haven’t been playing along with them much today. Is there a way we can change the situation so that you’ll have more fun with them?” This way it’s an open-ended, synergetic conversation where you’re genuinely interested in how your teen feels and how they would like to be treated in order for them to be less problematic. Tune into the episode to hear more no-drama approaches to deliberate parenting that will encourage positive communication with your teen.Daily InspirationalsIt’s pretty evident that Audrey is big on positivity when it comes to deliberate parenting. But that doesn’t mean that you have to constantly tell your kid how amazing they are. Instead, Audrey says that implementing small but meaningful messages of positivity can go a long way in creating a loving, affirming family culture. She suggests leaving simple yet uplifting messages in places your teen can’t miss, like the back of the bathroom door. Writing positive phrases like “Improve yourself today” or “Your greatest challenges lead to your greatest successes” on a note card can really help implement encouragement into your teens daily life when they expect it the least. And sometimes these messages can really improve a crappy day or at the very least remind your kids how much you care about their happiness. Even if they tell you it's cheesy, they’ll secretly cherish these sweet messages and appreciate your efforts to practice deliberate parenting.In this episode, Audrey and I go in depth about deliberate parenting practices you can implement with your teen. In addition to Audrey’s go-tos for creating a positive, mindful family environment, you will discover:How to turn “labels” into solutionsThe subtle language shift that makes al...

Barbara Schneider, co-author of “Becoming Adult”, speaks with Andy about her research on how teens’ environment can influence their thoughts and beliefs on college, work, and what’s possible for them. Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation.Full show notesHere’s a surprising fact: most teens have NO idea what they want to do when they “grow up.” And even the ones who do have no idea how to get there. Unfortunately, this can make it more difficult for teens to get through college in in concise timeframe and find their place in the world. Luckily, we can help you understand how to help your teenager find their passion.Having a vocation can mean a world of difference when it comes to helping your teen prepare for the future. A strong passion can make clear the steps your child needs to take in order to succeed in a competitive world. However, teens often view the tasks they have to complete -like math homework or going to college- as work, something that they have to do because they’re told to it. Without meaning or purpose, your teenager’s responsibilities become synonymous with another way to pass the time.So, how are you supposed to know how to help your teenager find their passion when It’s hard for them to distinguish between what they have to do and what they want to do. This can deter adolescents from engaging their responsibilities and prevent them from looking to the future with excitement. They may grow frustrated at having to switch jobs every two years – and in turn it makes their parents question if their teen will ever find their place in the workforce. That’s why the focus of our Talking to Teens podcast this week is vocational preparation and how to help your teenager find their passion.This week I spoke with Barbara Schneider, researcher and author of Becoming Adult: How Teenagers Prepare for the World of Work about career opportunities, planning for the future, and how foster a productive environment for kids. She is a distinguished professor in the College of Education and Department of Sociology at Michigan State University and the co-author of 15 books, numerous journal articles, and previous editor of Educational Evaluation and Policy Analysis and Sociology of Education. If anyone knows how to help your teenager find their passion, it’s Barbara.Barbara’s research and teaching focus on understanding teen psychology. More specifically, how the social contexts of schools and families influence the academic and social well-being of adolescents as they move into adulthood. With a particular emphasis on improving educational opportunities for students with limited economic and social resources, her research can show you how to help your teenager find their passion.In the book, she conducted a study following teenagers’ journey from high school into adulthood. By focusing on how entering college shifted their perceptions of work, Schneider found that exposing teens to different experiences is how to help your teenager find their passion. Primarily, we talk about the exposure of two key insights:What Kinds of Jobs Actually ExistBalanced Perspective (Outlook) to WorkDuring our conversation, Barbara clued me in on how to help your teenager find their passion through exposure to broad career opportunities and a mindset prepared for the future. We also discuss the concept of work “flow,” the Path Model schematic, and different ways to access these focal points with your teen so that you can explore their vocation together. Here’s how it works:Can you See the Future from Where You’re At?A primary unanticipated reason why teenagers don’t know what to do in life is because they aren’t aware of what’s out there. How are you supposed to know that you really wanted to be a film editor or a biochemist if you didn’t know those jobs existed in the first place? The answer is, you don’t! For parents, knowing how to help your teenager find their passion starts with exposing your kids to what kinds of jobs actually exist. Teens need to be made aware of all the potential options that are available to pursue because their vocation could be hiding among them.Exploring different kinds of occupations can help your teen identify a career they’re passionate about by following paths that experts have created in their respective fields. According to Schneider, one place you can take actionable steps to locate mentors and widen your teen’s sphere of information is within your own community!It’s a good idea to start broadening your teen’s awareness of careers with local options. There are shared cultural values and cognizance in communities that your child might find accessible. This might mean doing outreach in your community through basic web searches, visiting local business centers, and paying regular visits to the library, a popular cultural hub for organizing. You can also speak directly with others at communal events like concerts, holiday gatherings, and art showcases.Schneider suggests that niche communities are also a good place to expose your teen to more opportunities because they’re more likely to find experts who are passionate about what they do. She says it’s how you can get connected to people who are animators or engineers, artisan experts with insight into a particular craft.Specialists can be found locally in almost any trade and truly educate you on how to help your teenager find their passion with the know-how they’ve acquired through experience. They can inform you about what programs and prerequisites your child should pursue, further exposing your teen to new potential interests.Exposure to experts in their field is another way that teens can learn about what options are even open to them and how to pursue those interests. Consequently, exposing your teen to broad opportunities is how to help your teenager find their passion and the actionable steps to pursue it.What Does Your Teen Feel About Work?Knowing how to help your teenager find their passion can only be accomplished if you know what their relationship to work is like. In the podcast, Barbara classifies teens into several categories that can help us understand how teens interpret their responsibilities. Chief among these classifications are “the workers” and “the players.”According to Barbara, workers want straight A’s and will put in the effort to get there. However, someone with a labor-intensive mindset might view their responsibilities according – work! This perspective might minimize someone’s passion for their responsibilities because they conceive agendas as a series of necessary tasks. Think of this personality as the opposite of Emerson’s proverb, “It’s not the destination. It’s the journey.” A worker is all about the destination.If you’re a player, all you want to do is have a good time! Players might make the most of their situation and look for a silver lining in their tasks, but they don’t perceive their workloads as such. They don’t really consider the consequences of their actions in a serious way and therefore lack a consistent ability to plan ahead.Exposing your teens to a balance between the two perspectives can transform how your teen comprehends their duties. When you can find a way to make it so that your interests b...

Linda McGurk, author of There's No Such Thing As Bad Weather, clues us in on the surprising benefits of outdoor time...and how to get your kid out there in the first place!Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation.Full show notesAfter another long day of quarantine, you exit your office and see your two teenagers sitting on the couch, engrossed in their phones. How can they look at the screen for so long? If you were them, you’d be running around outside, playing games with friends. You step towards the door, adn thoughts of fresh air run through your head. Outside, a cool breeze floats down the street, easing the feel of the warm afternoon sun. You think to yourself, we ought to be spending more time outside as a family.In theory, getting the family out for a day of fun should be an easy task. In practice, though, you know it isn’t easy. How can you get your kids to recognize the importance of outdoor activities for a teenager if you can barely get them to put down their phone?In the pre-internet era, you would try to find any reason to get out the front door. Nobody wanted to hang out at home under the watchful eye of parental supervision. Nowadays, the internet has transformed social life onto a convenient little screen, allowing friends to connect from the comfort of the couch. In turn, the outdoor experience has become lost to many teens. How can parents help reintroduce the importance of outdoor activities for a teenager?Glad you asked! This week, TTT hosts Linda McGurk, an expert on both the outdoors and parenting. Linda runs the blog, Rain or Shine Mamma, where she shares her tips for maintaining her outdoor lifestyle with children. She also wrote the book, There’s No Such Thing As Bad Weather: A Scandinavian Mom’s Secrets for Raising Healthy, Resilient and Confident Kids.Growing up in Sweden, Linda was introduced to the outdoors at a young age. In the U.S. she fell in love with the landscape, but was shocked at how often parents kept their kids indoors. Drawing on her Scandinavian childhood, she began to raise her kids in harmony with nature to help them recognize the importance of the outdoors. Here’s an in-depth look at just one of Linda’s tricks to reintroducing the importance of outdoor activities for a teenager.Screen-Free SundaysThe concept of Screen-Free Sundays is a little surprising to hear. These days, one can barely go an hour without looking at a screen, whether it be a tablet, phone, or TV. How are teens going to spend a whole day without their screens? How can you introduce them to the importance of outdoor activities for a teenager?The goal of Screen-Free Sundays isn’t to pry screens for the hands of your teens. Rather, the goal is to regulate screen time to prevent teens from staying glued to the couch for 5 hours straight. Linda notes that the concept of Screen-Free Sundays, probably won’t go over well when you first bring it up, especially if your teens normally have unrestrained access to devices on a normal Sunday.Linda did not have immediate success when initiating the first couple Screen-Free Sundays. Her youngest daughter fought the immediate changes to her lifestyle while Linda remained steadfast to having a screen free day. The refusal of either side to compromise on the screen free policy caused disaster in the McGurk household. “It was hard to go ‘cold turkey,’” McGurk says.Linda was able to find common ground with her children with devices on Sunday through two distinct approaches. By using these techniques, Screen-Free Sundays became a hit as the importance of outdoor activities for a teenager became realized by both the kids and the parents. Now, Linda enjoys planning which excursion to go on every weekend. In summer popular activities are picnics or hikes, while the winter provides a great atmosphere for weekend ice-skating.It’s wonderful to hear about how successful Linda was when implementing her strategies to get everyone outside. But what were the strategies Linda used that led to success? And how can you help your kids recognize the importance of outdoor activities for a teenager?Tip #1: Confidence in CompromiseInitially, Linda struggled to implement Screen-Free Sundays with her family. We all know it’s challenging to get people off their phones and demonstrate the importance of outdoor activities for a teenager, but in practice it can be hard to think up ideas to get everyone off the screen and outside.Linda had more success when she compromised and allowed her teens to have some screen time on Screen-Free Sundays. The trick was to gradually phase out screen time for her teens. This allowed the whole family to ease into the screen-free lifestyle. Initially, she allowed her daughter to watch her favorite TV show as her designated screen time. This helped her daughter get through the day without causing an outburst of anger or tears.Parents can apply this strategy to their implementation of Screen-Free Sundays. Instead of demanding everyone to stay off screens the whole day, perhaps you could restrict screen time to an hour of the day instead of forcing everyone to stay off the whole day. Alternatively, parents can restrict screen time to a single device for a set time period. No matter what method you choose, easing teens into Screen-Free Sundays is a must if you want to demonstrate the importance of outdoor activities for a teenager.Tip #2: Inclusive IdeasTo emphasize the importance of outdoor activities for a teenager, it’s important to get the whole family involved in planning Screen-Free Sundays. A trick to getting the teens on board, Linda says, is to have them write down ideas on sticky notes for screen-free weekend activities. The week before, a note is drawn from a bowl to allow everyone a chance to plan for the Sunday. Having a bowl of ideas is crucial because it engages the whole family for input on activities during Screen-Free Sundays.The Idea Jar helped engage Linda’s kids when it came to Screen-Free Sundays. The opportunity to have input into the family’s plan helped everyone buy into the concept of going without a screen for a day. The bowl gave a voice to her kids, allowing them to feel included and valued in family discussions. The jar also motivated her kids to get off the couch and reminded them the importance of outdoor activities for a teenager.While it might seem fun to implement an Idea Jar for the family to use, the jar gets at a core function of parent-teen relations: communication. Parents and teens often have trouble communicating because teens believe they deserve more autonomy and responsibility and want adults to treat their voice as equal in discourse. The Idea Jar is great because it creates a platform for equal discourse that is less likely to result in a yelling match between parents and teens.While Screen-Free Sundays can be one solution to demonstrating the importance of outdoor activities for a teenager, it might not be the right solution for your family. In the rest of the podcast, Linda and Andy discuss many additional concepts to help you get your teens outside. Some additional concept...

Erin Clabough joins us for a discussion on the importance of giving teens the right amount of power...and making sure they know how to use it! Instilling a value of empathy is key to making sure teens wield power fairly. And how do you do that? Erin says bribing is an option!Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation.Full show notesYour Punk KidDo you ever have moments where you look at your teen and think “Wow, sometimes you can be a total jerk.” While you love them, sometimes they do things that are so vile, you wonder if they are even your kid! Maybe when teaching teens responsibility, your kid becomes a complete tyrant with even the smallest bit of power. All you did was tell your teen they’re in charge of dropping off their sibling at school and suddenly, they fly into a rage if their sibling is even a minute late walking out the door.As a parent, you want to be teaching teens responsibility without giving them free reign to take advantage of you at every turn. When they ask you permission to do fun things, you genuinely want to say yes more often than no, but if you give them an inch, they’re certainly going to take a mile. This is one of the biggest fears that comes with teaching teens responsibility. Your teen thinks that because you said they can go on a weekend trip with their boyfriend, it’s ok for them to come home from his house at 2am on any given weekend. Or because you let your teen borrow your nice new car once, they’re allowed to start offering rides to their friends all the time.When teaching teens responsibility, parents should focus on helping their kid learn to take charge and be a leader while also maintaining respect and empathy for others. Obviously this is a hard task. Simultaneously encouraging teens to be assertive and patient requires a level of restraint that most teenagers might not have. For example, you want them to advocate for themselves when their voice isn’t being heard but not demand too much and come off as difficult. So how do you go about teaching teens responsibility in regards to balancing their power? In today’s episode, I discuss this with Erin Clabough, PhD. She is a neurologist, professor, and the author of Second Nature: How Parents Can Use Neuroscience to Help Kids Develop Empathy, Creativity, and Self-Control. Dr. Clabough has written articles for Psychology Today, Mind Body Green, and Today Parenting about how an understanding of neuroscience can help parents teach their teens how to balance authority with empathy.Don’t be Spineless!Before authoring her first book on teaching teens responsibility, Dr. Clabough was working in a neurology lab studying the spines found within neurons inside the brain. While observing how neurotransmitters in spines connect each individual neuron together by passing signals between them using synapses, she had a realization. She could use this process of passing signals between neurons in spines as a model for parenting. Dr. Clabough explains how the spines adapt to experiences going on in their external environment. Positive experiences that bring about happy emotions enable a spine to create new connections, or synapses, between neurons in the brain. In a human, this could be exemplified by a child growing up with parents who are supportive and accepting. The love from their parents creates a comfortable environment for the child to grow up in and therefore promotes healthy brain development. On the other hand, traumatizing or damaging experiences can stunt brain growth. For example, a child whose parents went through a rocky divorce may have stunted brain growth because this event made them feel uncomfortable in the environment they were growing up in. During the time of the divorce, the lack of stability resulting from parents who refuse to have a civil relationship can rob a child of the gratification they need to develop new synapses in the brain.Dr. Clabough decided that the concept of her book would be how parents can use the idea of healthy experiences influencing healthy brain development as a metaphor for encouraging positive behavior and teaching teens responsibility. She explains that the process of synapses forming between neurons could be used as a metaphor for positive moments that occur in your teen’s life being a bridge for them to develop new skills. These moments can be as simple as your teen deciding to spend time with their grandparents instead of going to a party they’ve been excited about for two weeks. Or your teen inviting someone who’s sitting alone to eat lunch with their friends at school. Dr. Clabough emphasizes that parents need to savor these moments and continually commend their teens for making these mature decisions even when they don’t have to. This parental affirmation encourages teens to continually display generosity, which helps them grow into more well-rounded people.Giving Them the PowerParents must recognize that teens want control and the only effective way of teaching teens responsibility is to give it to them. But that doesn’t mean they should always be in control. For families with multiple kids, Dr. Clabough recognizes that the oldest child is often given more power than the others because they are seen as the mature one and therefore take on a somewhat parental role towards the other siblings. However, she says it’s extremely important to monitor power amongst your kids. If the oldest gets too accustomed to taking charge, they may develop a large ego or be unwilling to let another sibling ever make decisions for the group. So when you’re traveling together as a family, try asking the middle child where you should all go to lunch. Or when you’re going to the movies, ask the youngest what film you should see. This lets your kid know that it’s ok to take the lead as long as you’re also letting other people have their turn to be in charge.When teaching teens responsibility by giving their sibling the ability to choose, there will be times when a controlling first born will say “no fair, I got to choose the movie last time!” Or the youngest might say “Just because he’s the oldest doesn’t mean he gets to boss us around!” If your kids put up a fight when control is taken away from them, Dr. Clabough offers suggestions for diffusing the situation in this episode.Dr. Clabough acknowledges that a desire for power exists not only in the home, it’s also a large part of teenage culture. Social hierarchies form in high school because of teens’ desires for power and influence—which is all rooted in the need for dopamine. Everyone seeks dopamine highs but teenagers in particular have a stronger need for it. When teaching teens responsibility, parents must not discourage their teen’s needs but instead make sure the dopamine rushes they seek are healthy. For example, it’s okay for them to want to be on top, like if they are awarded prom queen or voted most likely to succeed in the school yearbook. But these momentary feelings of power and influence need to be balanced with times when they let others take the spotlight. Experiencing what it's like to be a winner and what it’s like to be on the sideli...

Joanna Guest shares the lessons she (re)learned about meaningfully connecting with your kids while curating her book, Folded Wisdom, a collection of the best of Joanna’s dad’s 4775 notes to her and her brother. An inspiring story packed with parenting take-aways.Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation.Full show notesDo you ever feel like the week goes by and you haven’t really connected with your teen? You might look back to find that every conversation was about getting somewhere on time, making a plan for dinner, or providing reminders about something that needs to get done. Maybe you had the best intentions–you sincerely planned to bring up a touchy subject or share something deep–but life just got in the way. You’re not alone.Connecting with kids can be hard. It’s a common complaint from parents in today’s busy, over-scheduled, technology-driven world that they haven’t had the time to build a more meaningful relationship. So how can you connect with your teen on an intimate level when life is passing by too quickly? That’s the subject of this week’s Talking to Teens podcast episode, “Make Meaningful Connections.”This week I spoke with Joanna Guest about what parents can do to break out of the mundane industrious pace of life, start connecting with kids, and develop positive, memorable, and real moments with your family. Joanna is the author of Folded Wisdom: Notes from Dad on Life, Love, and Growing Up, a beautiful and heartwarming book about how her father made meaningful connections with her.When Joanna’s younger brother, Theo, showed no interest in reading, a teacher suggested their dad write notes to pique the little guy’s curiosity. Joanna’s dad took the idea and ran with it, writing both Theo and Joanna a note with an illustration every single morning to take to school. And he kept it up for 14 years, ultimately writing 4775 letters. If anyone knows about staying committed to connecting with kids, it’s the Guest family.While this practice is proof of a father’s deep commitment to his children, these daily messages also demonstrate the true path to connecting with kids: a willingness to be vulnerable. Unlike his daily communication, which often felt routine and rushed, the notes hit on deep topics, life lessons, and – when he couldn’t find time to connect – small doses of openness made all the difference. In the podcast, we talk about how sharing vulnerability helps you maintain a deep relationship with your kids by way of three tangible virtues:Truthful CommunicationPersonal TouchesIntimate LessonsThe bond that Joanna and her father display in this book is unique but that doesn't mean it can't help us implement these impactful parenting elements in our own lives. Here's how it works:Let’s Talk About Truthful CommunicationSpeaking truthfully is when you simply authentically express what emotions you’re feeling in your heart. When you focus these thoughts on what’s between you your teen, you're displaying a personal and intimate reflection of the relationship and how you feel about them. The good news is, honest communication doesn’t even have to be particularly profound or complex to be effective. With his notes, Joanna’s father achieved this simply by writing “I love you” on a folded piece of paper when the family didn’t have time to convene on weekday mornings.Communicating truthfully demonstrates a willingness to show vulnerability because it is an act of sharing yourself, flaws and all. When you speak your truth, the point is not to always provide a polished answer for your teen. You don’t want connecting with kids to be a fake process. A common parenting myth is that you always have to have an answer for everything; you must constantly be prepared for everything that comes your way, 24/7. But speaking truthfully from your own standpoint with your teen can help pull back the curtain and let them know you’re only human.If your child approaches you with a particularly challenging problem, responding with “I don’t know” is a valid opportunity for you to connect with your teen. When you speak truthfully about your inability to find a solution, instead of providing an exact answer, you’re displaying that you’re both vulnerable to whatever this problem is. Connecting with kids also means relating to them, and when you speak honestly about common issues, you’re conveying solidarity.Whether it’s dealing with a breakup, a tricky math problem, or deciding on college options, speaking honestly will clue your teen in to your presence. Once this happens, you can solve whatever problem they’re facing together.Truth and PrioritiesSpeaking truthfully also helps parents connecting with kids by informing teens about who you are, specifically, what you prioritize in life. For example, if you’re work-life is too demanding, teens can interpret a busy parent as someone who doesn’t have an investment in their life. The limited time you do have to spend with your teen might seem second hand, like solely exists around necessary family tasks (i.e. eating meals or school drop-off), and so they might feel the need to build connections elsewhere.If you speak honestly and address genuine concerns about how your parenting is perceived, you’re displaying vulnerability to criticism, asking your teen for insight, and prioritizing your interest in who they are. You might say something like, “I we could spend more time together” or “I would like to get to know you better.” Small declarations of truth like these make up the more meaningful selection of notes featured in Joanna’s book. When you’re truthful with your teen, it might help them understand what is going on in your life more clearly and they’re more likely to respond in kind.Honesty When There’s No Time for Connecting with KidsIn the book, Joanna’s father was able to write a note every single day, and it’s sweet because it demonstrates the longevity of the act. But not everyone has the time or creativity to pull off this kind of practice when connecting with kids. Truthful communication helps you connect with your teen because there isn’t any planning or artificiality in the act; you can develop a genuine bond with brief interactions that are made meaningful because there’s no filter.One of the most effective means of honest communication that we talk about is when Joanna’s father reached out with a note after they got into a fight when she was younger. He simply wrote down the next morning, “I hope you can find a way not to be angry. I love you.” Even when you don’t have anything to say, you can simply just communicate how you feel about your child.As a parent, you want to communicate how you feel, and letting your child know you love them and just want what’s best can emphasize that you’re a supporting figure in their life. These small moments of truth are how Joanna’s father brought in simplicity to her complicated life as a teenager, providing uncomplicated access to an emotional positivity. This honesty can foster trust and demonstrate care, deepening how you’re connecting with kids.To hear about how Personal Touches and Intimate Lessons play into connecting with kids, don’t tune in to listen t...

Author Katherine Lewis speaks with Andy about why kids lack resilience and capability more than ever. By rescuing kids from every micro stressor they may encounter, parents are doing more harm than good - and when it comes to behavior, we want the good stuff!Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation.Full show notesThere are teens out there that have NO idea how to do the laundry, cook a meal, manage their time, pay bills–the list goes on. And that’s not even mentioning the poor behavior and attitude they throw at their parents and other adults. It’s frustrating to say the least! But don’t worry, there are steps you can take to improve resilience and capability in teens.Despite the generational differences that you may have with your teen, it’s still possible to build character in your teenager and impart resilience and capability. But this problem requires updated methods. Today, a majority of teens have mood or behavioral disorders because they’ve grown up in a generation simultaneous loose structure and overparenting.In this day and age, there aren’t many opportunities to develop resilience and capability in teens. This has left teens in a state of poor mental health and dependency. You might be asking yourself, “When will my teen grow up? When will they listen?” Luckily, Katherine Lewis, my guest on this week’s podcast and author of The Good News About Bad Behavior, wondered the same thing.Katherine is an award-winning journalist, author, and speaker on topics including parenting, children, education, mental health in teens, relationships to technology, work culture, entrepreneurship, caregiving, equity, and inclusion. Her work addressing resilience and capability in teens, family conflicts, and building character- building has been featured in a number of publications, including The Atlantic, Bloomberg Businessweek, Fortune, and The New York Times.She first got involved with the problem of bad behavior and poor mental health in children after a run in with some rowdy boys on a playground. They were throwing a ball around without any regard to the safety of the little kids nearby. When she asked them to stop, she says they looked at her … and then carried on exactly what they were doing. She was shocked. If speaking to a child as an adult can’t instill resilience and capability in teens, what can? After more than a year of researching current adolescent developmental trends for her book, Katherine has some answers.One thing that stood out to Katherine in her research was that all the “saving” parents have been told to do is actually working against our kids. Rather than rescue them from stressful situations, the science shows that you should let them muster through conflict and minor trauma, to come out on the other side with more resilience and capability in teens.With enough practice dealing with conflicts on their own, teenagers will gain more responsibility and behave accordingly. That’s the basis of Katherine’s Apprenticeship Model of parenting, self-regulation. In her coaching sessions, Katherine helps parents shift their mindset and parenting practice toward helping their kids acquire skills and knowledge necessary for them to become happy, healthy, contributing adults.Using The Apprenticeship Model, Katherine argues that self-regulation prevents behavioral issues and mental disorders in teens and builds resilience and capability in teens. Self-regulation operates through three core disciplines:ConnectionCommunicationCompetenceIn the podcast, Katherine walks me through how these elements can build character and strengthen resilience and capability in teens. Here’s how it works:ConnectionConnection doesn’t mean sitting with your teen on the couch watching Netflix twice a week and joining for meals regularly. More than that, connection is one-on-one time outside the purview of screens that you have with your teen, typically dedicated to an activity of your child’s choosing. When you connect with your child, you’re supplying intimacy and comradery that encourages them to follow through on the challenging things you ask of them.Essentially, being connected with your teen functions in self-regulation by showing your teen that they’re part of something bigger; they’re not just an island. When you show your teen that they’re part of a family and part of a relationship, that sense of belonging motivates them to maintain their responsibilities, boosting resilience and capability in teens to even go the extra mile and take on new commitments!If you spend quality time with your child going for walks, playing board games, or even just talking for moderate stretches of time, you’re exchanging personalities and investing one another. When it comes time to make dinner, it’ll make them happy to give you relief from doing this task after a long day of work. Choosing to do so is an act of self-regulation. Your shared happiness then becomes a reward and mitigates bad behavior.Being connected also means that your teen won’t want to hurt or disappoint you in any way, steadily implementing resilience and capability in teens. Even if you disagree, the exchange is more likely to be cordial and productive. The same innocuous sentiment extends toward mental health. When you’re not close with your teen, they could feel like an outsider to the family. If your teen feels like they can’t reach out to their parents, people that they’re supposed to confide in, it can lead to anxiety, depression, self-harm, substance addiction, and suicidal thoughts.Instilling resilience and capability in teens starts with having an interconnected relationship with their parents. Connection works to prevent these disorders in teens by providing your them with a support system and personal motivational as part of a group. In this way, your teen will share in your happiness and internalize your support when they lack confidence.Your teen won’t be able to function independently if they don’t feel self-assured and whole. Ironically, when your teen is connected to a larger group of people, this instills resilience and capability in teens, and they can better self-regulate their actions and responsibilities with more independence. To hear Katherine’s list of special connection time activities and best practices, you’ll have to tune in to the podcast!On the other hand, Katherine’s approach to communication is decidedly not emotional. When addressing your teen’s bad behavior, she says that you should only communicate around what’s needed. This provides resilience and capability in teens by focusing them on what is essential. While your teen does need to go through trials of learning as they grow up to understand the importance of their actions, it’ doesn’t mean you have to get dragged into preparing a lecture every time you want to communicate something important to your teen.If your teen forgets to do the dishes, you don’t want to shame your child or make them feel bad to become self-regulating. Parenting through shame actually diminishes resilience and capability in teens. Rather, you can save yourself some stress by simply pointing out the consequences of their actions, only communicating the cause and effect needed to get the job done. You might say something like, “You know we need dishes to be clean so we can ...

Christine Koh, author of Minimalist Parenting, reveals how to get more out of your family life by doing LESS. She says “minimalism” isn’t about getting rid of apps and toilet paper, it’s about making room for the stuff that helps your family thrive while cutting back on everything else.Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation.Full show notesDoes your life reflect your strongest values?You can value travel, and still spend 50 weeks of the year in your own county. You can value the outdoors, and still get no closer to fresh air than your car window five days of the week. You might value time with your kids, and still encourage them to take on a ton of extracurriculars. This is all fine, right?We make sacrifices for our family all the time, even if we’re sacrificing what we value most. We can still be comfortable and not do what’s most important to us. Why make changes that aren’t necessary?As we go through life, it’s easy to get stuck in our ways, even if our ways don’t reflect our strongest values. This might not sound like the biggest problem in the world, but think about it…If our way of living doesn’t reflect our strongest values, what does that teach our kids?Values are one of the most effective ways you can influence a teenager. Once your child gets into the teenage years, it becomes extremely difficult to influence their daily activities. But if you impart strong values that your teen can live by, you can keep the door open to conversations about values later into their adult lives.Reshaping our lives to reflect our most important values is a lot easier said than done. However, the woman I speak with in this episode insists that with a minimalist family life, making room for what’s important is totally possible!Before I introduce her, though, let me just say:A minimalist family life is NOT what it sounds like.Christine Koh runs FIVE businesses! (And yes, she’s here to talk about minimalism.) She is the founder and editor of the award-winning blog Boston Mamas, the graphic designer behind Posh Peacock, and a digital strategist at The Mission List. She is a speaker, a writer, and co-author of the practical and humorous book, Minimalist Parenting: Enjoy Modern Family Life More By Doing Less. She might sound like the farthest thing from a minimalist, but she insists that a minimalist family life is what frees her up to do what she values most.Foundational ValuesChristine decided to co-author the book, Minimalist Parenting, because she found it especially hard as a parent to define her own family’s values and stand up for them. She points out that there is so much noise about what your family’s values should be.For example, parents feel compelled by the popular culture to have their teens do a million activities at once, or they’ll never get into college. For some families, that’s totally fine! They might like being busy. But Christine knows that in her family, her kids need a lot of down time. Her kids can’t focus on their homework and chores if they’re too saturated with activities they don’t care about. It was hard for her family to say, “No! We’re only going to do one activity per season!” They had to do it, though, in order to honor their own key values.She says it’s really important to identify your family’s key values because everything else in your life will be founded on those. Quiet times, space, sleep, and a minimalist family life are all part of Christine’s key values. If her family isn’t getting those three things, life begins to get a bit dysfunctional.Balancing ValuesWhat if your personal values differ from your spouse’s, though? Christine can speak personally to this.Remember those five companies Christine runs? Well, her husband isn’t so on board with how diverted her energy can become. Having different projects is something that Christine loves and values in her life, while her husband values more quality time away from work. They needed toThe two of them have worked very hard to balance their values and create a minimalist family life. They have to be very clear about how Christine can stop working at the end of each day and be present with her family. At the same time, her husband knows that he must sacrifice some one-on-one time to support her career goals. And their balance is working great!When key values are identified and balanced, everyone in the household benefits.What does it look like practically, though, to identify key values and balance them?A “More” and “Less” ListOne of Christine’s favorite tools for creating a minimalist family life by identifying key values is a More and Less List.A More and Less List is just what it sounds like. It’s a list with two columns. One side is the “More” column, and the other is the “Less” column. The trick, Christine says, is to be honest with your thoughts. Turn off your inner critic. No one has to see this list except you. Now, write what you genuinely want more and less of in your life!Maybe it’s less running around, more time with friends outdoors, or having a more minimalist family life in general.Once you have your thoughts on paper, you can make a plan to edit your life. Get rid of stuff that is unnecessary, and make room for what is really important to you. Work on creating a minimalist family life that isn’t complicated by things that aren’t adding value to your life.If you wrote down that you want to learn more, maybe you can rent some audiobooks from your local library, and listen to them during your commutes. If you wrote down that you want to be driving your kids less, maybe set up a carpool rotation with another family.Christine’s other favorite part about making a list, is that the exercise can help you realize that the stuff you want more of is within reach!Coffee Punch Cards and YouResearch shows that when you feel like you’re part of the way towards achieving a goal, you’re more likely to take action to achieve it. Just think about coffee punch cards! If you have an unpunched card, well, that’s not motivating. But if you have a card with one or two punches already in it, then you feel like you’re already on your way to winning that free coffee!A More and Less List is like a coffee punch card. It helps you see that you’re already on your way to achieving your goals. The list helps you realize that you can make changes to your life, and that in some ways you’ve already started to make such changes. It’s this ability to make changes that is at the heart of a minimalist family life.Even if one of your minimalist family life goals is just “clean the playroom,” you might need to break the job down into baby steps to make it more approachable. It’s not that you don’t know how to clean the playroom, but that the scope of the task can seem overwhelming if you’re tired and stressed.Taking a couple extra minutes to break the task into baby steps make...

Catherine Pearlman, author of Ignore It, explains how to make bad behavior stop by pretending you don't notice it. Discover Catherine's secret strategies for eliminating annoying behaviors on this episode. Learn what you can ignore and what you can't as well as how to re-engage after the behavior stops.Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation.Full show notesParenting is a hard job on the best of days. It’s even harder when your child gets to an age when they know how to push all the buttons and elicit your worst responses. It seems like the older they get the more immature their tantrums become. You know you have to address their misconduct, but confrontation only aggravates the situation. You don’t want to exhaust yourself giving reprimands to a brick wall. Fortunately, there are teenage behavior management strategies that can help deter your teen’s bad behavior while actually saving you from aggravation.However, teenagers love to argue for their independence. It can be worrisome when they consistently neglect their simplest responsibilities, like cleaning their room or taking out the trash. When you attempt to address these discrepancies, they might become defensive about their ability to take care of themselves despite the evidence in question. You don’t want this bad behavior to continue, especially as they spend less time at home and eventually face the world as an adult. So, what teenager behavior management strategies can you use to correct your their bad behavior without getting irritated? That’s the topic of this week’s Talking to Teens episode, “Bad Behavior? Ignore It!”I was joined by Dr. Catherine Pearlman to discuss teenage behavior management strategies in her book, Ignore it! How Selectively Looking the Other Way Can Decrease Behavior Problems and Increase Parenting Satisfaction. After years of working intimately with young mothers as a social worker, Dr. Pearlman founded the Family Coach, a program where she visits family homes during the most stressful time of day and guides parents through problem-solving strategies.When it comes to these visits, her clients are often shocked by what their told to do about their teen’s reckless and rude behavior: Ignore it.“Did I Read That Right?!”You might be asking yourself, “How can that be beneficial? You want me to just ignore when my child acts out?” Actually, yes! You might think that such a request is absurd, but Catherine knows everything there is to know about unconventional, yet scientifically backed teenage behavior management strategies! She can help you enjoy spending more time with your kids using this technique like she’s done with so many other families.Her method of mitigating bad teenage behavior functions primarily by managing two things:Reward SystemsNatural ConsequencesThese two elements are at the core of her teenage behavior management strategies. Reward systems and natural consequences are already woven into how you communicate with your child. It’s just a matter of changing how you use them to create a more reciprocal environment. Here’s how you can start implementing these teenage behavior management strategies in your own home:Behavioral Reward SystemsBehavioral reward systems are when you consistently encourage a specific type of behavior with a correlated response. If there were a mantra for Catherine’s teenage behavior management strategies, it would be, “Behavior that has a reward is going to be repeated.” So, if teenagers pout or misbehave until you give in, they know to do it again in the future because it produces results. According to Dr. Pearlman, what happens immediately following their behavior will determine if it happens again.However, rewards come in many different forms; it doesn’t just mean that your teen gets what they want in the end. If you’re arguing about a curfew and your teen knows that you’ve already made up your mind, they might be tempted to use rude behavior to make you upset. If you’re provoked into arguing back or expressing unhappiness, this can be perceived as a reward, thus causing your teen to continue this kind of conduct in the future.Ignoring bad behavior means that you’re not giving it a reward. When your teen doesn’t get their way, they might try to get a rise out of you by raising their voice, resorting to name calling, or using swear words. If you use effective teenage behavior management strategies and don’t let these tactics affect you, your teen will eventually realize that this isn’t an effective way to communicate. They won’t get what they want, and they won’t get anything in response.At first, you might get some pushback to these teenage behavior management strategies, but that just means it’s working. If you’ve been negatively responding to your teen’s bad behavior in the past, they understand that throwing a tantrum will, at the very least, garner a negative response. They’ll try to increase the pressure when you start ignoring their tantrums, but without any results, they’ll realize they need to do something else to get their way. This is how you can use behavioral reward systems to mitigate bad behavior.Natural ConsequencesDefined as the logical result of an action, natural consequences work when your teen has an understanding of cause and effect. Dr. Pearlman describes this tactic as “the best thing that ever happened to parents” because you don’t have to do any punishing; the consequences of your child’s actions speak for themselves.Ignoring your child’s irritating conduct helps them connect the dots between “bad behavior” and “this isn’t working.” This teenage behavior management strategies can also be employed outside of arguments to curb bad behavior. For example, if your teen hasn’t cleaned their room and they’re inviting some friends over, they may ask you to do a quick sweep so things will look nice when they arrive. They might make outlandish statements like, “My life will be ruined if anybody sees my room like that!” If you give in and clean their room, agreeing that they need to get to it later, they’ll latch on to that reward in the moment. But if you let them face the consequences of their actions, your teen is more likely to learn from the negative consequences.Parents that are worried about the negative impact of natural consequences unfolding at crucial moments in their child’s life might be hesitant to use this approach. That’s why it’s important to apply teenage behavior management strategies like the ignoring method early on when the stakes are relatively low.When your teen forgets a minor homework assignment at home or neglects their chores so they can’t hang out with friends, these are good examples of “ignore it!” testing ground. If you start off small, your child will incorporate better behavior early on and be ready for more important tasks in the future.To Talk or To Ignore?One example of how rewards and natural consequences work in the “ignore it!” method to manage bad behavior is with negotiations. When you’ve made a firm decision, whether it’s limiting cell pho...

Dr. Jennifer Salerno shares communication tactics that you can put into practice today to start reshaping your relationship with your teen. As founder of the non-profit Possibilities for Change, Jennifer knows a thing or two about impacting the lives of teens!Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation.Full show notesAt some point as a parent, you’ve gone into your child’s room and stumbled across something that left you shocked. You never know when you’re going to have conversations about risky behaviors with your child, you just don’t want it to be too late. But it can be hard to get through to your teen, especially when they’re fighting tooth and nail to gain their independence. Luckily, there are ways to reconnect with an aloof teen!With some easy-to-follow tips for improving parent-teen relationships, you can make a lasting positive impact on your child’s decision making, even when you’re not around. That’s the topic of today’s episode, “Get Your Teen to Think.”I spoke with Dr. Jennifer Salerno to gather some tips for improving parent-teen relationships in her book, Teen Speak: A Guide to Understanding and Communicating with Teens. Her organization, Possibilities for Change, trains medical professionals on how to speak effectively with their teenage patients. After working intimately with adolescents and colleagues to refine the program, her research has resulted in the RAAPS risk screening system, which has tips for improving parent-teen relationships and is used by medical professions all over the country to mitigate risky behaviors among teens.RAAPS operates primarily through two core elements:UnderstandingReflectionDr. Salerno’s method of communication pairs medical research with these two easy-to-use concepts, which is why RAAPS is so applicable to teens at home. Here’s how her tips for improving parent-teen relationships work:UnderstandingThe first step is strengthening your understanding of one another. Understanding is more than just acknowledging what your teen is saying when they come to you with a problem. It’s when you comprehend the deeper meaning of their experiences and why they feel the way they do. According to Dr. Salerno, practicing and demonstrating understanding is how you can initiate these tips for improving parent-teen relationships.Let’s say your teen is harboring a negative attitude. You ask them what’s wrong, and they respond with, “I hate being short!” Initially, your parental instincts might tell you to help them maintain a positive attitude or encourage them to forget about trivial problems. But blatant positive reinforcement and avoiding negativity don’t really address what is causing their unhappiness. To implement the first of many tips for improving parent-teen relationships, you’ll need to investigate why this is a problem, why it’s important to them, and what it says about the bigger picture of what your teen is going through.You can practice understanding your teen by stating that whatever is troubling them is in fact a worthwhile problem. Then, consciously take the time to step out of your perspective on the matter and start thinking about this issue from your teen’s point of view. This alerts your readiness to listen and prepares you for understanding with an empathetic approach to communication.Understanding helps you effectively communicate by making your child feel heard. When teens don’t feel like they’re being heard, even in trivial conversations, they can start to feel isolated. Reaffirming your teen’s external problems and burgeoning a consistent understanding of their core struggles are key steps to improve your relationship. Kids that experience the kind of solidarity produced by understanding are more likely to open up to you about what’s really troubling themAs a parent, you want your teen to feel solidarity with you about their troubles so you can start at a more intimate level the next time you talk. Soon, you’ll start to notice the big picture, or patterns of your child’s more consistent insecurities and concerns. This can alert you to the causes of potential distressed behavior if these problems further develop.ReflectionSo how can you build off this deeper understanding of your child to further mitigate risky behavior? Dr. Salerno’s tips for improving parent-teen relationships encourage us to help your child think through situations. This is the essence of reflection; using serious thought and consideration to plan and problem-solve.Reflection functions in communication by allowing you and your teen to exchange ideas together. Once you’ve dug deeper into the “being short” problem, you might learn that it’s actually about your teen not being able to join the basketball team and hang out with their friends. Now you can both try to figure out a solution. Maybe you can invite their friends over this weekend or find some other way to have fun outside of practice. This is how you can get your teen to routinely think through their issues before resorting to erratic reactions.In order to apply Dr. Salerno’s principles of understanding and reflection, it’s important to establish some ground rules before you engage your teen. This is one of my favorite tips for improving parent-teen relationships because it’s definitive and can help you and your teen develop respect for one another. First, recognize that it is completely normal for your teen to dramatize their conflicts. Meaning, this is just a phase of cognitive development. When met with patience, you can employ understanding and reflection in an effective manner.If your teen exclaims that they’ve just gone through a messy breakup and that they’ll never show their face in school again, you can practice understanding by filtering through the drama and thinking through what this situation means to your teen. Demonstrate that you’re trying to comprehend their statement by repeating back to them what they just said. “This person broke up with you, you’re upset, and you don’t want to show your face in school again.” Not only does this help you process the information, but it acts as a second voice for your teen to hear the situation outside their head.According to Dr. Salerno’s tips for improving parent-teen relationships, responding with unexpected observations about the situation can deescalate high drama situations by having your teen reflect on the consequences of their thinking, you might want to respond with something like, “Okay! You’ll have to drop out then and start working on your GED.” This response isn’t punitive, but rather seriously engages what your teen is saying. An unexpected statement like this provides your teen with forethought about their actions. If your teen never goes to school again because of this break up, they will have to find alternative means of staying educated and working on their career in a new setting.By taking your teen’s ideas seriously, you’re able to highlight discrepancies in their reasoning and get them to collaborate with you about solutions. In regard to more serious situations like drug use, sex, and drunk driving, the method remains the same: start by understanding your teen and then help them reflecting on the outcome of their decisions. Over time, applying these tips for improving parent-teen relationships will deter risky behavior whe...

Susan Groner, founder of the Parenting Mentor, shares her wisdom and parenting “hacks” with us. Discover my favorite tips from Susan’s latest book Parenting: 101 Ways to Rock Your World, and Susan’s #1 reason why fights break out between parents and teens. Plus, what to say instead of “Because I said so.”Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation.Full show notesWhat kind of support do you need as a parent? When you pick up a parenting book, what are you hoping to find?Information that’s quick and digestibleAdvice that fits into your life’s current rhythmsMaybe a reminder that not everything you’re doing is wrongThat doesn’t sound like too much to ask for, but how often do we pick up a parenting book only to put it down, thinking…This author doesn’t know what they’re talking aboutThat sounds great, but who has time to learn this crap?This book makes me feel like a terrible parent!Being a parent is hard work! Parents should have the kind of support they need, when they need it. That’s why I sought out the opportunity to talk to the amazing parenting mentor, Susan Groner.Susan Groner is the mother of three grown children. Though, when she was in the throes of motherhood, she felt overwhelmed by the challenges. She didn’t find parenting books helpful at all. She thought there had to be some creative parenting hacks to help her through the tough and joyful times of parenting.Eventually, she developed her trademark CLEARR™ method and founded The Parenting Mentor. The Parenting Mentor is a website where she provides coaching for parents of children of all ages. Plus, her techniques are easily applicable and build off of what you’re already doing! Needless to say, I was thrilled to talk to her about her new parenting book, Parenting: 101 Ways to Rock Your World.Fast and Feel GoodSusan’s Parenting 101 has been dubbed the “parenting book for parents who don’t have time for parenting books.” This is completely by design.When Susan was asked to write her book, she knew immediately that she didn’t want to write a traditional parenting book. Those were never helpful for her, so she wasn’t going to just play along.She wanted a book that was designed for parents to pick up, read for two minutes, and put down.She wanted a list of quick creative parenting hacks to uplift parents and to remind them they're already doing a lot of stuff right!Like any job, you’re probably going to do better work when you’re feeling confident and competent. This is why parents should feel good about what they’re doing! Raising another human being is a hard enough job description. The additional stress and anxiety that parents go through because they don’t feel good enough is unnecessary. Susan doesn’t want parents to feel angst, especially when there are creative parenting hacks that can help.So what are some of these creative parenting hacks?The CLEARR™ MethodAll of Susan’s creative parenting hacks come down to one acronym: CLEARR™CommunicationLoveEmpathyAwarenessRulesRespectHow we talk to our teenagers is so important.If a teen hates a rule in your house, it’s important to understand why. Even when you do feel strongly about a rule, Susan says that your response shouldn’t be: “Because I said so!” That’s just laying down the law. That’s a fight waiting to happen.Instead of laying down the law, Susan suggests you respond: “Let’s talk about that.”You want to know why your teen thinks a rule stinks, and then clarify why the rule is still important. A conversation with love and respect, where your tone of voice is kind, loving, and empathetic will go much better than a shouting match. You’ll be amazed by how quickly a simple change in your response can diffuse your teen’s frustration. Susan’s creative parenting hacks pretty much all revolve around this.Timing, Manner, and Intonation (Tip #5 of 101)We didn’t have time to go through all 101 of Susan’s creative parenting hacks, but we did get to touch on a handful. For example, #5 from her book is titled “Timing, Manner, and Intonation.” These are three factors you can leverage when talking to your teen about tough topics.Susan breaks them down really easily. Think about timing. When do you want to have a tough conversation with your teen? You probably don’t want to talk about their friends’ smoking habits while you’re also pressed for a deadline at work. So what are the creative parenting hacks for having this hard conversation? Susan offers several suggestions.Timing:Create a time to set aside. Schedule a time to go for a walk, or have a cup of tea together. If you both like gardening, do some yard work. Anything that relaxes both you and your teen. Once that is scheduled, you’ll be able to approach the topic with an easier manner and intonation.Manner & Intonation:The language you choose, and the tone in which you say it, is so important when communicating with teens. Teens do NOT want to hear judgment at all. So using nonjudgmental language and a kind tone is a priority. You can be firm on your family’s values without bashing the behaviors of your teen and their friend group. As long as your words and tone indicate that you’re not mad at your teen, but empathetic and loving, it’s likely they will listen and be responsive.Even with our best efforts, though, it’s hard to be perfect. What do you do when your teen does get angry about something?Unintentional JudgmentsSusan thinks that a lot of reasons why fights in the house start are because of unintentional judgmental comments.For example, let’s say your teen comes home from school and slams the door. WHAM! Your kid is obviously pissed about something. Still, most of our gut responses to the dramatic entrance might be:“Why’d you slam the door? Don’t slam the door in this house!”You can imagine how your teenager might respond before marching off to his or her room and slamming their door again.Susan says that sometimes teens just want to be heard. So you want to use words that show you see they’re upset, and that you want to be there for them. You might say:“Wow, sweetie, you seem really angry. Is something upsetting you today? What happened?”You’re not going to fix whatever happened or promise to make it better, but you can listen and be empathetic. Maybe a teacher disciplined them. Again, our gut response might be to say:“Well, what did you do?”That’s a surefire way to make your teen defensive, though. Those words make it sound like whatever happened was the teen’s fault. Even if it was, their teacher already disciplined them. ...