Ep 44: Non-Punitive Parenting Strategies

Judy Arnall, the author of four parenting books including Discipline without Distress and Parenting with Patience, explains how to stop teenage rebellion and attitude problems instantly using non-punitive parenting strategies. Your teens will surely respond to these counter-intuitive approaches.

Full show notes

Parenting with patience can be hard when your teen has a snarky, dismissive, or otherwise negative attitude. As teens grow, they don’t want to be babied or feel like they’re being controlled, so they may act out against you to create a sense of distance or even dominance.

It’s certainly not out of the ordinary for teens to have hard days and to be in a bad mood. It becomes a bigger problem when this behavior turns into a habit of breaking rules and violating boundaries. Teens who regularly rebel against your authority could be on the path to a difficult young adulthood where all they know is conflict and hard feelings.

Parenting with patience is a skill that you will learn through practice. If you parent with an iron fist, it probably won’t go well and it may even encourage your teen to rebel even more than they already were. It’s easy to fall into a parenting trap of feeling like you want to punish your teen severely in order to prove a point, but punishments out of spite only start a vicious cycle of resentment and continued bad behavior.

But on the other hand, if you let bad behavior continue, you could hurt both your family life and your teen’s personal life. There needs to be a way to keep peace in your house in a way that doesn’t make your teen feel like they’re being controlled or that you’re being overbearing. Parenting with patience and understanding is probably the best way to both maintain order and also set an amicable atmosphere in the house. This week, I spoke with a mother of 5 who managed to do just that.

Judy Arnall, the author of four parenting books including Discipline without Distress and Parenting with Patience, explains how to stop teenage rebellion and attitude problems instantly using non-punitive parenting strategies. Your teens will surely respond to these counter-intuitive approaches because they aren’t based on punishment, rather, collaboration in order to fix a problem.

Judy explains the psychology behind why teens rebel and she shows you exactly what you can do to stop the process. After 27 years of being a parent to loving children, her expertise is truly valuable. Come along with me as I learn about non-punitive parenting strategies and gain a better understanding of parenting with a deeper sense of patience.

Using the Right Language to Diffuse Tension

Teenagers often don’t know how to communicate fully. They are still learning how to use their language to express themselves to others. Judy says you should model a more grown up language for a while until your teen gets the hang of it for themselves. When parenting with patience, it’s your job to be the bigger person and set an example for your teen, no matter how badly they behaved.

Think about a time that you had a disagreement that turned into a bigger fight. Write down examples of things your teen says when they are mad that really bother you. Next, write down what your teen should say instead, phrased as an “I-statement.”

To create an “I-statement,” alter the language so that it’s all said in terms of your teenager and how they feel.

For instance, “You’re always nagging me about my chores” might become “I’m unhappy because I have a full schedule and I feel chores are being laid on me.” “You’re so unfair” might be better phrased as “I’m frustrated because I feel the rules are being made without my input.”

An “I-statement” like this is a much more respectful way of expressing your emotions and needs. But your teen is going to need some guidance from you before they master this. Don’t get discouraged! Mistakes are just a part of parenting with patience. Ask your teens to collaborate with you and have them create their own “I-statements.”

Understanding Why Teens Rebel

The rebellious nature of teens can provide a barrier to parenting with patience. Where are some areas in which your teenager is rebelling? Write down as many of the rebellious things your teen is doing as you can think of. Judy told me that rebellion always happens around an issue where the parent has drawn a “line in the sand,” or has made a very firm rule that something will “not be tolerated.” When teens don’t have anything to rebel against, she says, they don’t rebel at all.

Now, spend a few minutes thinking about how your own teens rebel. Write how you could change each item so it expresses what you believe without limiting your teen’s autonomy. For instance, “Drugs will not be tolerated” could be changed to something like, “In my life, I’ve found that drugs do more harm than good, but you are free to live your own life however you choose.” When it comes to dealing with teenage rebels, parenting with patience is about focusing on what you believe, not on what you will or won’t “allow” your teen to do. By putting the ball in their court, you give them a sense of autonomy and responsibility rather than a sense of prohibition.

Practicing Patience in Times of Conflict

Judy told me that parenting with patience requires you to cool off before talking to your teenager about something that’s making them mad. If you find yourself getting angry during any conversation with your teenager, excuse yourself from the talk and go cool off. Coming into an argument with a confrontational and emotional attitude won’t solve any problems. Patient parenting calls for a calm and collected demeanor.

Judy recommends keeping a specific place that is dedicated to cooling off. Yours could be a meditation cushion, or a yoga mat, or a certain corner of your room. Sometimes, you might even need to get out of the house. Going out for a walk could be a helpful respite from an emotional or volatile conversation. Cooling down is an important part of parenting with patience because it sets an example for your teen that emotions are completely valid, yet, need to be managed in a way that is healthy so that you can manifest positive actions.

Take a moment and plan what your cool-off routine will be. Where will you go? What will you do? What will you say? What will you think about? Studies show that you’ll cool off more efficiently if you have a dedicated space and pre-set routine. The dedicated space and routine will condition you to come to a more still and mindful place that’s more conducive to parenting with patience.

In this episode, Judy was able to share a few insightful anecdotes from her personal life and taught me some awesome non-punitive parenting strategies from her book Discipline without Distress and Parenting with Patience. You'll learn to:

• Reduce the reasons for rebelling
• Teach your teen to express their emotions calmly
• Manage your own anger at your teen
• Express your needs to your teenager more clearly
• Respond to swearing and foul language
• Use “I-statements” effectively
• Comfort your teen during emotional times

When your teens grow into being their own person, they will have thoughts and feelings that will be so much more different from your own. As a parent going through life, you’ll most certainly have your own feelings about the way that they choose to live their life. And that is okay. Even in times of conf...