Joyful Courage for Parenting Teens

Hey there!!!Myths of Positive ParentingThat everything is peaceful all the time PD activity that shows the continuum between kindness and firmness parenting stylesKind AND firm can feel elusiveWe are all human beings having a human experienceKids and teens are perceiving what is happening around them, and making meaning out of what they are perceiving. They filter the world through their individual, developing lens – it makes sense that they get it wrong and response in a way that seems…. well…. Inconvenient.Our kids and teens are in the process of DEVELOPING and LEARNING life skills. They’ve had limited experience. They are doing the best they can with the tools they have. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Today’s guest is Dr. Sarah Bergman Lewis. Before attending medical school ,Sarah helped to found a middle school called the Seattle Girls' School. As part of her 5 years with the Seattle girls' school she did admission and taught 6th grade Sarah attended University of Washington Medical School. She completed her pediatric residency at Seattle Children's, has worked in urgent care at Seattle Children's Hospital, then as a primary care physician.She and her family later travelled to Guatemala for 3 months where she worked in a local hospital and her kids attended school. Her family will return again this year for a visit and to help launch a partnership between a group of Seattle pediatricians and the Guatemalan hospital.Outside of works there is pursuing her yoga teaching training certificate and enjoys learning about sharing Integrative Medicine tools with her patients as part of a collaboration between Odessa Brown Children's Clinic and Arc of King County. She is helping devise the curriculum for a mindful self compassion course for Spanish speaking parents which she will co-facilitate in the spring.Her husband Steve is a nonprofit executive director. She is a mom of two delightful children. Today we are talking about navigating our own self-healing. Join us! What you’ll hear in this episode: Parenting from wholeness, not fear Adverse childhood events and how they affect parents and parenting Adverse childhood events study explained The dose response effect to adverse childhood events How ACE scores impact health (physical and mental) risks The shadow side of resilience Behavior as a solution to a problem we don’t know about Epigenetics, what is it and what does it have to do with behavior? Being aware of what drives our internal “shark music” Exercising self-compassion around when you’re going to work on your issues How the way we talk to ourselves impacts how we talk to people in our family What embodiment means Encouraging embodiment in our kids Guiding conversations about embodiment Discussing screen time with our kids   Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

First – let me tell you how much I love the show, Parenthood, on Netflix....Casey is on solo with you today digging into what it means to trust the process in the context of parenting, Positive Discipline, and leaning on our relationship as the most powerful way to influence our kids behavior.What does this mean? Hitting stage Homework stage The relationships/ life skill development journeyWhen we are stuck in a place with our kids it is easy to believe that it will “always be like this” Change happens over time If we want something to be different we have to BE different The dance we do with our kids has explicit steps, well choreographed over time All it take is one person to change the dance (YOU) What it means to be in an honest open relationship with your children What can feel like the dark side Curiosity and stalling when you don’t know what to do Notice your fear and let it guide you to pausing Gather your resources Listen to your gut How to voice concerns without blaming or condemning (thermometer activity)Encouraging vs discouraging out kidsWhen they are discouraged by OUR behavior they shift OUT OF taking responsibility or even thinking about their own behavior Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Today’s guest is Bonnie J. Rough, who is an author, journalist, and speaker focusing on families, health, education, parenting and sexuality. Her latest book is Beyond Birds & Bees: Bringing Home a New Message to Our Kids about Sex, Love, and Equality. has written recently for the New York Times on teaching young children about boundaries and consentand the value of childhood crushes, The Atlantic on both the link between sex ed and gender equalityand improving school sex ed, the Washington Post on why it’s important to teach sex ed in mixed-gender groups, and New York Magazine on raising kids without sexual shame. Join us! "What I learned is that the focus on helping kids wait longer is really not and should not be the end all. It’s really more about how can we prepare them to have a positive experience.” “The Dutch parents who I met and the American ones too who have inspired me on this really are prioritizing their relationship with their kids over their ideals about what and when their kids will do things.” “If we have those open lines of communication we actually have more control than if we forbid.” “The more open and transparent we can be with our kids the better.” What you’ll hear in this episode: Cultural differences between the US and Amsterdam around gender equality, nudity, and sexuality Normalizing conversations about sexuality Separating nudity from eroticism Differences in sexual health outcomes between US and Dutch teenagers Ways to keep lines of communication open with your kids Double standards applied to boys and girls Why helping your child maintain cross-gender friendships The importance of knowing your kids’ friends What the research says about teenage sex What to do when you feel you’re late to the party in talking to your kids about sex The importance of not having an agenda when having those curious conversations with kids Owning when we feel awkward or uncomfortable Navigating fear and baggage to become available for conversations with our kids Expanding our own knowledge base to have better conversations  Where to find Bonnie:WebsiteTwitterFacebookInstagram  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

How we influence the iceberg Clients come to me to talk about kids behavior Battles over homework Power struggles Screen time addiction Getting out the door We are mega focused on fixing those problems The iceberg- behavior we see is a solution to a problem that we may or may not know aboutExample that we played with a few weeks ago in parenting class:Child won’t get ready to go in the morning and family is late getting out the door Two options for response: What do I have to do to this kid to get her to cooperate? Bribes, threats, punishments What is happening for this child that is getting in the way?  Go to the source Tell me about the mornings…. I notice that…. How are you feeling….. With new information you can make a plan together to support the child (and you)n in doing better Transparency Rowan talking about the future Agitated, closed off, defensive Often my response is irritated that she cant “have” the convo We both are discouraged and the convo is over Maybe I am engaging the wrong conversation Helpful to know what shows up for her when the invitation is to talk about future What is the experience? IS it only with me or others? Might there be a benefit to talking with someone else if not me? What would be useful about having a vision of the future? Deeper even still I notice when this is the conversation you….. I am curious about that? How does it feel when…..?  Sometimes our kids refuse to go there…. How do we let go? What do they need? Recognizing/acknowledging our tendency to hold on/get rigid/ let fear or our agenda drive us…. Mutual respect – respect for child and for self and the situation Honor who they are and their temperament I am ALL IN, lets go deep and swirl around and grow and learn and be super transparent and get it all out – don’t hold back. I process out loud and in the moment…. This is not the way of everyone, def not my daughter.  Summing it up: Recognize how we are contributing to challenges Own it, and get curious about your child’s experience. Identify the ACTUAL problem Be an open, nonjudgmental listener Look for solutions (related respectful reasonable helpful) Be respectful Honor who you child is in word and action Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Today’s guest is Sid Garza-Hillman, who is a podcaster and youtuber. He's the author of Approaching the Natural: A Health Manifesto and Raising Healthy Parents, Small Steps, Less Stress and a Thriving Family. Sid graduated from UCLA with a BA in philosophy and is a public speaker, certified nutritionist and Small Steps Coach. He teaches people around the world his unique small steps approach to healthy living at www.smallsteppers.com. His latest podcast, What Sid Thinks is currently available on iTunes. Sid is the Wellness Programs Director at the Stanford Inn Eco Resort. He's an ultra runner and race director for the Mendocino coast 50k trail ultra marathon. Join us! "However you want to parent, you can't pull that off unless you're feeling good in your life” “If we can sort of tip the scales in our favor most of the time, then we win the day” “We are not robots. Our kids aren't robots. We're humans with human emotions and experiences and lenses and it's just so messy.” “If we can really focus on how we be and how we show up, that's going to inspire, inform, empower and influence what we do.” “Maybe the perfect version of the human being is one that that is about self care and compassion and has a core of ethic that informs their actions most of the time. ” “Who am I at my best?” “You've been defining yourself by how you've been in the external world, when that's been in complete conflict with actually what you stand for and what you value.” What you’ll hear in this episode: Breaking old patterns and habits - managing expectations The knowledge and implementation gap Small Stepping - what is it and what does Are poor choices your problem or your solution? Finding ways to manage stress and making choices to increase the likelihood of success Dissipating stress - making healthier choices to do so Setting the stage for actual change vs relying on willpower Identifying who you are as a parent Reminding yourself of who you are Change as a process of coming into alignment with who you really are Mistakes as a way to model the human experience Dealing with making mistakes with your kids What is a small step? The Goldilocks effect of stress - what is it and how do you find it?? The value of outside interests in parenting and relationships The role of joy in how you show up as a parent Finding 10 minute pockets of joy and what to fill it with The role of self care in our attitude towards parenting  Resources:Raising Healthy Parents: Small Steps, Less Stress and a Thriving FamilyApproaching the Natural: A Health ManifestoSmall Steppers Where to find Sid:WebsiteWhat Sid Thinks PodcastYoutube Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Screens Why? It is coming up in the Joyful Courage Parents of Teens community, it is coming up in calls with clients, it is coming up in my own life and practice with my kids FOR CERTAIN: it is a big pain in the ass  Today I am going to share and inquiry from my own experience – not because I know the way, or I have it all figured out, but because I am IN IT with you. Remember last April when I had Dr. Delaney Runston on and we talked about her documentary, Screenagers? There are so many pearls of wisdom and research in my convo with her – be sure to listen or relisten - http://www.joyfulcourage.com/podcast/140 I also had a powerful conversation with one of my colleagues, a positive discipline Lead trainer, about this during the teen summit, which is available to invest in through the end of this month at joyfulcourage.com/teensummit I spoke with Kim Muench about this back in episode 82 – Parenting in the Age of Smart phones… Plus, it has come up in loads of other conversations IT’S NOT GOING AWAY  Here are some of the pain points I am hearing from the community AND experiencing myself: Limits and boundaries How much to monitor Broken agreements The arguing The internet is forever How will they develop real relationship skills when everything is over text/IM/Snaps Online/SM bullying Sexting/nudes How much time is too much time to be on their phones How to be the lone parents who waits to get their child a phone How to support kids with friends when they don’t have SM/phones Restricting what they do/see on their devices Begin real and honest about our OWN (parents) phone use Using devices as avoidance/escape  Let’s check in with the kids:  How did you feel about making agreements about screens? What is your experience with social media? What do you not like about the phone and SM? What kinds of things do you see happening? Where do you feel like it gets in the way of life? Or do you? What do you like about it? How do you feel about me when I am on your case about your phone use? What do you see me modeling with my phone use? You have some restrictions on your phone – is that helpful? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Today’s guest is Oren Jay Sofer, the author of Say What You Mean - A Mindful Approach to Non-Violent Communication. He leads retreats and workshops on mindful communication at meditation centres and education settings around the US. Oren is a graduate of the IMS Spirit Rock teacher training program. He holds a degree in comparative religion from Columbia University, teaches in the Insight Meditation community and is a Somatic Experiencing Practitioner and a certified trainer of non-violent communication. Oren creates mindfulness training programs for a number of organizations including Mindful Schools, Kaiser Permanente, and 10% Happier. He lives in Richmond, California. Join us! "If we can’t actually listen to each other and have a meaningful conversation when we disagree, it’s impossible to work together to address the challenges that we’re facing” “We can’t wait for the opportunities where presence is needed to practice presence.” “Even when we can't meet our child's needs we can help them to know and recognize that their needs matter to us.” “Our feelings are a reflection of our needs.” What you’ll hear in this episode: Being in response vs reaction Communication as a way of navigating conflict mindfully 3 foundations for successful conversations and effective communication The role of presence in communication The ambient stress of raising a child Owning our responses in times of stress Exercising self-compassion in relation to parenting-related stress Integrating moments of awareness into your day Creating daily rituals into mindfulness Mindfulness as a way to mitigate cumulative stress Mindfulness as a way to be present in our relationships Mindfulness as awareness and a way to raise our baseline kindness and presence Preparing for parenting with mindfulness through practicing Practice as a way of creating a new way of being Creating awareness of the impact of our actions on others Discussing our needs instead of blame Being realistic about our ability to meet all of our child’s needs Intention in communication and mindfulness Approaching communication from a place of curiosity and care Curiosity as a way of being The need for intention to be genuine Feelings of a reflection of needs Increasing emotional literacy to enhance communication Helping children to problem solve as an alternative to “consequences” Connecting before correcting Conflict as an opportunity for learning Where to start when you realize you need to improve your communication Learning to pause, be curious and consider the needs of others Connection through perspective shift  Resources:Say What You Mean book Parenting From Your Heart: Sharing the Gifts of Compassion, Connection, and Choice (Nonviolent Communication Guides)Text “guided” 44222 to sign up for a short ebook and free guided meditation series Where to find Oren:WebsiteInstagramFacebookTwitterLinkedInYoutube Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Recap of the summit What happens when we start having real conversations? Community/support Seeing participants in real life Recognizing our attachments and course correcting Gratitude to guests Gratitude to participants $109 and it is your for eva  Saw Brene Brown Seen before Appreciate her realness Familiar stories Story of daughter swimming and conversation around being brave IS winning Are these the conversations we are having with our kids? Are we explicit?  What we notice and what we speak Life skills/qualities Negativity bias How often they ARE using tools/skills – it’s just when they don’t if feels so PAINFUL Our expectation of mastery Layers going on under the surface (meaning of behavior with Alison Smith 110, Iceberg Metaphor solo show 129)  What it takes to stay focused under the surface Vulnerability and humility – it may not be about you Faith Trust/surrender – let go of your attachment to how you think it should be, and also the idea that you KNOW what’s happening for your child when they haven’t expressed it The idea that all humans ultimately want connecting and to know they matter. All of them. We are hard wired to connect  Our language and messages: Week three at MMS we dug into encouragement vs praise Process oriented Really seeing the child Naming qualities with evidence My story this morning with the waffles and “what do I do with the mix?” I notice, I appreciate, I trust/know/have faith Not for the short term/immediate – but for the long term, internal voice (ep 136 with Kelly Bos about how NOT to become the voice of your child’s inner critic) it is about below the surface, about supporting our kids in changing what they believe about themselves  I am going to do a webinar this month in the Patreon community to diver deeper into encouragement and I hope you join in! The Joyful Courage Super Fam is a group of parents who are giving $10/month to the podcast to support in the sustainability and create a win/win. Members of the community enjoy monthly webinars and online support through our closed facebook page. Check it out at www.patreon.com/joyfulcourage Have a beautiful week my friends!! I am going to be watching my tone this week and really working on the sometimes unspoken messages I am sending to my kids when I am less than mindful of what I am doing – and clean up any messes along the way. Big love!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Today’s guest is Rachel Butler. She is an executive and professional coach, an organizational health expert, a wife and mother of 2 boys she is one of those unique women who is both powerhouse and presence. She's a master in organizational systems and she's worked with over 325 organizations. Rachel embodies what it means to be an empowered woman and a conscious mom. Rachel and her mama business partner Gillian Rowinski are the voices behind Unlearning SuperMom a feminist website that supports equal rights and opportunities for women and empowering all of us. We will be discussing Unlearning SuperMom. Join us! "Our culture has clearly defined what being a good mom should look like and it is oppressive. The martyrdom of being busy, being agreeable, putting everyone else first, running yourself ragged. If super mom is who we become when we are in this world with our eyes closed then unlearning her is a deeply courageous feminist act.” “Are we doing it because it's a “should” or are we doing it because it’s something that brings us joy?” “It’s really hard not to get into comparison-itis.” “I sort of reject that idea that the major measure of success in parenting is enjoying it” What you’ll hear in this episode:-The impact of childcare costs on returning to work for moms-The emotional conflict about returning to work-Keeping it real as a mom-Who is super mom and where does she come from?-Re-learning our inherent self-worth that is not based in accomplishment-Motherhood and martyrdom: when we put ourselves last-Motherhood messaging and where it comes from-History of motherhood and women’s work-The perceived value of women based on their relationship with their children-Child centred social media messages and guilt-The value of the messy middle-Being aware of social media messaging and how it impacts us-Where do you start unlearning super mom?-Ways to dip your toe in to shifting towards unlearning super mom-Stages of learning from awareness-The mental load we carry-Checking in with your body Resources: Women Who Run With The Wolves16 Second Meditation Unlearning Supermom Retreat Where to find Sara:Unlearning SupermomInstagramFacebook Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices