Joyful Courage for Parenting Teens

Hey listeners!!I am recording this Sunday, it will go live on Tuesday – and I can’t not talk about Covid 19, the coronavirus – because it is absolutely right here, right now, and the reality for the world right now.I want to start with whoa. I mean, whoa right? This is a weird and wild time. We are facing something that few of us have ever experienced before – the news, the leadership, the unknown – it is all right there.Dr. Shefali, author and conscious parenting guru called this time a chiropractic spiritual realignment. I have been listening a lot to Dr. Shefali, she has been live streaming so much goodness through her FB page and her group, “Superpowered: Transform Anxiety into Resilience.”I love her take on the world because she speaks so much into being with impermanence, being with uncertainty.Because ---- impermanence and uncertainty aren’t new – you all have been listening to me talk about this for the last six months and beyond as I navigate all the fun with my teens. I know you are in your own practices, because you let me know! I get emails nearly every day from listeners that reach out to let me k now that my story is their story, that they are in the muck with their kids and they feel so good to know they are not alone….You aren’t alone. ALL OF US live in daily uncertainty. We never know how things are going to turn out, although MANY of us live under the illusion that we do, under the illusion that we can control the events of our lives…. Now, we have influence, of course, but control? Yeah, no. We ALL have the unexpected show up in our lives – good, bad and ugly – we make plans, we cross our finders, we do our do, and what happens happens, right?I have been fascinated by listening to people share about how there isn’t any MORE uncertainty because of the corona virus – it just feels that way because we have been under the impression that we know what is going to happen, we had our routines, we had our rhythm, we knew what to expect each day. But this pandemic has yanked that comfy security blanket away and we have no choice but to stare down uncertainty – and oh man, ITS SO FLIPPING UNCOMFORTABLE!!!!Sigh.Ok, so I am here to help.Yes, it’s uncertain, and yes, we have kids to raise and jobs to try and do fro home and bills to pay and oh man they all eat so much!!!I reached out to the members of my patreon group and asked them what their biggest challenges are in this new normal.Here is some of what they shared:Audrey, mama to 4 year old shared:Challenges: keeping my fear and anxiety under wraps. They can show up as irritability and impatience. Also, never having a break because there’s no adult to relieve me. My 4 year old complaining anytime I take time for myself or the meals I’m making (they’re lacking creativity).Gratitude: extra time to do art with her. All the outside time with her when the weather allows. The fact that my mom is taking us seriously and being very careful. That I have really awesome neighbors in case I need some thing. That I saved all the old cloth wipes and the wet bag from when I cloth diapered, in case I really can’t get TP.I love that Audrey mentions how HER fear and anxiety can show up as irritability and impatience, I am ABSOLUTELY noticing this with myself as well. And it’s funny, I am not in a panic and tell myself I’m not anxious, and yet, the anxious energy is still manifesting in my short (ish) temper with my son, sorry Ian.This is super key: How are we taking care of ourselves? What are we doing to release our fears/worries? Meditation – some of your fave people are offering live streams every day Journaling Yoga – Fightmaster yoga 90 day fix Be in nature – LISTEN TO NATURE We have no choice – we have to get creative and take care of ourselves. Slow down. Well, we have no choice but to slow down do we, now is the time to create some new habits in taking care of ourselves. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

What you’ll hear in this episode: Why you shouldn’t wait How Oprah discovered Kristina Why we need to get uncomfortable with self-criticism Why you need to write Ta-da lists instead of To Do lists Maintaining perspective about things that didn’t get done Making a habit of personal growth Empowering our kids to do things for themselves without taking over Having compassion for our kids Creating space for sharing and connection in your relationship with your kids Searching for love in your marriage Love as a daily choice Why asking for help is important   Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Today is a solo show – woop woop!Being in a mindful relationship… What is mindfulness? Why is it important on the parenting journey? Why is this important in life? I went to a mindful couples workshop with my husband this weekendWhy did we go?Morning of…How I did my work when it was hard to doModeling setting intentionLetting go of being attached to the experience of my husbandWhy this is relevant to our kids and parenting and lifeSetting the context with how I showed up and what I was willing to ownOffering lots of loving support, acknowledgement, optionsWhile also leaning in and inviting vulnerability – speaking into the elephants in the room, making things explicitLearning processes for deeper listening and communication SO MUCH like PD Connect before correct/redirect Positive Intent Looking for solutions not blame The iceberg Process over product – Relationship is everything!!! Took the trainer aside to share…. One of the processes reminded me so much of the Family Meeting, but instead of using the model for the family, you use it as a couple. Safe space for venting about a few things that rubbed you wrong A useful place for problem solving I would add time to celebrate each other before getting into it…. One of our “issues” is talking about money – ben makes most of it, I budget and try to save it. This is a hard one for us to discuss without having clear goals that are the boss. Come together to have a vision What is this going to take Weekly check ins on how we are doing I also have some amazing clients that are such an inspiration to me. Super intentional with checking in on relationship Super articulate in how they are celebrating each other 20 years later…. It takes work Awareness that we are in an ebb Willingness to do something about it Kristen Bell – “I will be with Dax on the porch at 80” – we can get through anythingSo yeah, tend to your relationships – we talk so much about our relationship with our teens and younger kids here – equally if not more important is our relationship with our partners.Hope you are feeling inspired!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Today’s guest is Yolanda Williams. Conscious parenting is really close to her heart, and she knows what it feels like to grow up without a voice and with violence as a consequence. Raising a black child in a world filled with white supremacy can seem insurmountable at times but she firmly believes that conscious parenting is activism against racism. Yolanda is raising a carefree child to be her authentic self, unafraid to use her voice to stand up to oppression with unshakable confidence and self love. Yolanda wants to help teach other parents to do the same. She's the co founder of Conscious Parenting Time, whose mission it is to decolonize minds by teaching the art of conscious parenting to raise intellectually spiritually and socially free black children. She's also the host of Parenting Decolonized, a podcast on a mission to shine the light on how colonization has impacted the black family structure and what to do about it. Join us! "I'm not here to make anybody else feel comfortable with the truth of racism, but it's supposed to make you uncomfortable.” “If I feel like you are genuinely asking a question and I don't feel like you're trying to center yourself when you ask this question, I will politely answer it. But my job is not to educate white people on racism. That's not the job of any person of color.“ “Being White and Whiteness are two separate things. I don't think people really realize that because whiteness is a construct, just like race is.” “Our culture does judge black parents more harshly. Period.” “Our kids may already be targeted just because of their race, nothing that you can do is going to stop a bad police officer or a bad teacher or someone who is just a racist from being that person.” “I'm not going to change who I am to make white people comfortable.”What you’ll hear in this episode: The difference between being White and Whiteness How the Black parenting experience is different The subtle and not so subtle ways that parenting has been colonized Post-Traumatic Slave Syndrome The risks and challenges that come with parenting from a place of fear Parenting a Black child as a Black person vs as a White person Authoritarian parenting attitudes and dignity double-binds Belonging and significance in the face of racism Internalized racism - what it is and what it looks like How early unconscious biases show up in education Cultural pride as a way to insulate against racism  Curating an environment that centres cultural pride The importance of Black history Being intentional about decolonization The Black Panther and their policy   What does Joyful Courage mean to you?You know, when I think of joyful courage it makes me think of this quote by Audrey Lord and it's like the basis for everything I do. She said, "Raising black children, female and male in the mouth of a racist, sexist suicidal dragon is perilous and chancy. If they cannot love and resist at the same time, they will probably not survive." So that's like love and resistance. Yes, what joyful courage is for me. I mean, I have to have courage to change the status quo. And I have to model what joy and unconditional love looks like inside my home. Because home is where security and safety is and love. And as scary as being a black parent is sometimes I can't tell you how much joy it gives me to be raising my daughter in this revolutionary way and to watch her grow into an amazing black woman. Like, it gives me a lot of joy. I love that. Resources: Post Traumatic Slave Syndrome Amazon Prime documentaries by Henry Louis Gates, Jr. Where to find Yolanda: Parenting Decolonized Podcast Parenting Decolonized Facebook PageConscious Parenting Time Facebook Page@cptime Instagram Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey all!Today is a solo show… I am so honored to be here with you.Today is all about connection and relationship (again, I know, but really, it’s what’s up). Broken record in the conversations I am having in the teen group as well as the super fam Relationship relationship relationship Not as a “strategy” When relationship is offer, disconnection si present, its like we are on unstable ground Belonging and significance Being seen and heard Feeling valued/ Feeling safe– routines/agreements/family meetings At their heart they are a connection activity   Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

My guest today is Sarah Rosensweet.Sarah is a Peaceful Parenting leader and coach. Peaceful parenting is an approach that uses kind, firm limits with lots of empathy. Parents are in charge but give their kids the support they need to meet their expectations. She emphasizes connection and supports parents in prioritizing relationship with our kids.Sarah knows that our relationship is the most effective way we can influence our kids.Sarah and I spend time today discussing some of the biggest take-aways from The Self Driven Child – a powerful resource written by William Stixrud and Ned Johnson.What you’ll here on this episode: What has changed for Sarah as a coach as her kids have entered the teen years The Self Driven Child There can only be one driver on the train – that is your child We need to manage our own parental anxiety We get to trust that our children know what they need Sarah shares a personal story about her son and his report card and how she used what she learned from the Self Driven Child Our response matters Allowing our kids to make decisions about their own life Letting our own limited yet intense beliefs about all the possibilities get in the way “We care so much that they don’t have to.” We have to trust our kids to learn from all of their choices It’s hard to give up the drivers seat Resiliency comes from surviving difficult things Our teens are moving with a limited bank of experiences Using curiosity is powerful and ask our teens if they want to hear our opinion We can be involved, without controlling their every move The sweet spot Middle ground for encouraging teens to nurture relationship Stay Connected to Your Teenager by Michael Riera Loosening up the limits “It’s your call…” Casey shares her story about her teen daughter dropping out of school The number one thing teens need from their parents…. Where to find Sarah:Website | Facebook | Peaceful Parenting with Teenagers Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Today is a solos show - YAY!Coming off of the mental health mini summit… I am reminded time and time again about the importance of creating an environment that support our kids-teens in being who they are. A space that feels emotionally safe.We hold the container, we set the tone, right?Before we can do that we really need to decide what it is that we want to create? Speaking with clients about this, before a big conversation or event, I will aks them, well, what is it you want to create? What is most important for you that your child receives?Strategies for creating a home environment that nurtures safety Routines/Consistency/dependable structure  Asking permission/Being curious Being available/Non judgmental Validate their experience Own your stuff Trust that your kids ARE thinking about what is best for them Power of perspective - 3 bs and the outside observer, remembering the iceberg Therapy - One of the things that has been really useful for me lately that I am digging into through therapy is identifying key times in my life where I felt lost, isolated, and really pulled away from my parents…. And if I could go back that that girl to tell her what she needs to hear…. Some of what has come up has been:This must be really hard, it must feel really confusingYou are ok just as you are, you are enough and worthy of loveI am here for you Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

I am so excited to welcome Sara Dean to the Joyful Courage Podcast. Sara is the creator and host of the Shameless Mom Academy Podcast, a top rated podcast with over 2 million downloads. Her biggest passion is helping women own their space. After enduring a long infertility journey, and then a full blown identity crises following the birth of her son, Sara took her background in psychology/health/ wellness and rebuilt her identity – one step at a time. Today, Sara motivates and inspires women to stop shrinking and start growing in every aspect of their lives. She is on a mission to inspire women and moms, in particular, to live bigger, bolder, braver #everydamnday."I realized over time that I wanted to be having conversations about helping women take up space, rather than always trying to shrink in the space they existed in.”“Perfect is paralyzing.”“If you're in perfectionism, there's no momentum.”“We need to give ourselves permission to feel in big ways and to be vulnerable with those feelings.”“It's okay to cry, but suffering in silence is the most surefire way to destroy yourself.” What you’ll hear in this episode: The role of mindset  Outcome versus process goals  Moms and worthiness Why perfect sucks Perfectionism, procrastination and high achieving women How perfectionism robs you of momentum Doing B- work The role of routine and structure Creating mental freedom Giving ourselves permission to feel Intuition and finding the lessons in the chaos Learning to sit in discomfort Finding gratitude in hard moments and hard phases The universality of challenges and trauma  Why women suffer in silence Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

SOLO SHOWInterviewed for the positive parenting conference by Sumitha Bhandarkar from afineparent.com and she wanted to interview me about my book – fun to remember that I wrote a book!Deep dove into the three Bs.Then last night I had my first of 6 live parenting classes here in Bellingham.Being vs doingTheory, belonging and significancePower of perceptionsHumans are social beings – everything in the context of relationshipIceberg why is it important to keep in mind? HALT Problem we see is a solution/response to a problem we don’t know about Mistaken beliefs about self/others/world Why is it hard to remember to consider the iceberg? BECAUSE WE ARE USUALLY PISSED ABOUT WHAT IS HAPPENING AT THE TIP!! WE HAVE OUR OWN ICEBERGS!!At the tip of our iceberg is our emotional/instinctive response to the behavior we are seeing right?And what is under the surface????? HALT!! Feelings of defeat and beat up about mistakes we made… Conditioning/baggage from our own experiences Ahhhhh – so many icebergs!!So we are wired to connect…. And remember what Dan and Tina shared in EPS 215 --- the four s’s – seen, safe, soothed, secure. THIS IS WHAT OUR KIDS NEED, and isn’t it what we need too?We get to learn to offer this up to ourselvesBack to the three Bs – this is one tool to support us in creating the four S’s for ourselves, so that we can then offer them up for our kids – show up better, attuned, connected, loving.Lets play with the 3 Bs…. I am going to guide you through them, while also explaining deeper the purpose and power of each B….BreathThe breath is an tool that directly effects the nervous system – and when we are in fight or flight, you can bet our nervous system is working overtime -rapid heart beat, tension, we are full of adrenaline…Attending to breath allows for a settling in…. a slowing down… an opening….BodyRiding the breath into the body in search of any leftover tension…. Allow the breath to soften the body, the small muscles in the face, the neck, the shoulders….We want to soften the body, open the body so that we can soften and open the mind….BalconyOnce you feel yourself soften, find your balcony seat, imagine that you can lift up and out of your body and look down at your experience, as if you are watching a show from a balcony seat – you are accessing your outside observer. The part of yourself that is separate from your experience, knowing that you are having an experience…From this place, this outside observer place, look at yourself through the lens of compassion, through the lens of love…. What is happening under your iceberg? Can you be a nonjudgmental observer? What happens when you get curious about your experience….?Breath body balcony – the 3 Bs. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Today’s guest is Alyssa Blask Campbell. Alyssa has her Master's of Education in Early Childhood. She is a leading expert in emotional development speaking to people around the world. She is a podcast host for Voices of Your Village and the CEO of Seed and Sew. Alyssa has been featured As an emotional development expert and publications such as the Washington Post, Kids VT and Family Education. After co creating the CEP method, which she's going to tell us all about, she researched it across the US and co authored a book on it scheduled for publication next year. Alyssa is deeply passionate about building emotional intelligence in children, stating that it's never too early or too late to start, thank goodness. Alyssa shows up as approachable and welcomes people into her village to get support at all ages and stages shame free. Join us! "In order to be able to do that social piece, the kindness, the respect the empathy, the social awareness components, we have to know how to navigate the self awareness and self regulation first.”“Sometimes times it's really just getting down to what is our feeling about what they're feeling or experiencing.”“I believe that it's our job to find the calm, not their job to get calm for us.”“It's safe for me to feel this because it's not going to last forever.” What you’ll hear in this episode: The difference between social and emotional development The role of self awareness and self regulation Coping mechanisms versus coping strategies The five phases of emotion processing Coping mechanisms as numbing agents Fine motor activities as processing tools Changing habits one at a time Reflective Practice - what it is and how it works Finding the calm for your kids Mirror Neurons and the neurology of calm Addressing bias as a step in the parenting education journey  Taking care of your physical health so you can self-regulate Allowing yourself to feel Recognizing feelings Empathizing and connecting vs noticing Helping your kids feel felt Finding security in your feeling Yale research on anxiety in kids The relationship between anxiety and fear Problem solving and conflict resolution Identifying when you’re ready for problem solving What makes Voices of Your Village Podcast awesome Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices