LOVERS by shan

If you’re a podcast listener, you already know that there’s a whole lot of discussions about what people don’t do in relationships, what they need to be doing, and insight on what romantic partners want from others. And I guess it’s all well and good to have standards, but it’s even better to: Be aware of which standards are based on what we actually need to have a quality romantic partnership vs which standards are based on discriminatory, outdated values that hurt others AND our chances at forming healthy partnerships. Be clear about what standards people can hold you to. In short, what exactly are you bringing to the romantic relationship table and furthermore what are you admitting that you won’t be carrying?  In this episode, I am discussing this in a hilarious and honest conversation with the ladies of Cocktales.  We also have THE Matchmaking Duo here to share the secret to finding a compatible long term  partner. Here is your conversation starter pack: What are you enthusiastically bringing to a romantic relationship today? What are you interested in getting better at bringing? What do you know you can’t and probably won’t carry? How do you want your romantic partner to respond to you when you’re not meeting their standards? How do you plan to respond when they inevitably, don’t meet all of yours? Which are your deal breakers and where considering your answers to the top questions can you stand to do a lil bending? Thanks to the sponsors of this episode! Ritual:  Visit ritual.com/LOVERS to start Ritual or add Synbiotic+ to your subscription today and get 10$ off your first 3 months.  HelloFresh:  Go to Hellofresh.com/lovers16 for 16 free meals plus free shipping!  Follow Shan: https://www.instagram.com/shanboodram https://www.tiktok.com/@shanboody https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCSE2Lr9RfYXiFtiX1jk5qng loversfriendspodcast@gmail.com Follow the ladies of Cocktales:  https://www.instagram.com/kikisaidso/ https://www.instagram.com/cocktalespodcast/ https://www.instagram.com/coffeebeandean/ Follow the Matchmaking Duo: https://www.instagram.com/thematchmakingduo/ Follow Krizia:  https://www.instagram.com/kriziacruz_/

What Is Your Love Story?  Not the one that you’re in per se, but the one that subconsciously, you’ll move mountains or reality, to live inside? Psychologists have identified 26 kinds of stories that people commit to BEFORE committing to their romantic partner so, which one is yours? Our starring guest Raven Ross who you can recall from Netlfix’s reality series, Love is Blind Season 3. She is also a pilates instructor nearly a 2 million followers on social media. Raven went through one of the messiest Tik Tok cheating scandals last year with her ex-fiancee. Now, she’s ready to love out loud again plus wants to share with you how, why, and maybe even who..  A love story is a frame of reference for how you believe love works or should work. Kind of like how your political beliefs describe how you think a group of people should be governed. Now, as I mentioned off the top, in my fav book, the new psychology of love, there are 26 different common stories that people can subscribe to.  Addiction - we have an intense first connection and from then on we need each other and create a dynamic based around the fear of parting ways Audition - you gotta win the part and keep proving you love me and if you forget the lines or go too far off script Art - my partner looks good and they make me look good because I own something beautiful Business - our union is designed to give us more money, power and respect from others Cookbook - love has a recipe and instruction list, if we forget ingredients or steps our love won’t be as good Fantasy - save me, marry me, and happily ever after me.  Game - love is a sport with a winner and a loser or if we’re on the same team there’s still a captain and a bench player Gardening - love is something that has to grow and it takes time, awareness of the environment, plus continuous tending to in order to flourish. For more on this, see my episode where I explain the difference between a fruit and a fruit tree History - in our relationship you are who you were, there’s only past you and future you. Think of it like the difference between “I’ll believe it when I see it” and “let’s just see!” Horror - relationships are scary and the scarier it is, the more real it is Humor - love is a joke, some people get the joke early, some later, but sooner or later everyone gets humbled Mystery - you don’t need to know everything about each other because maintaining the mystery is more important than discovering yourselves through uncovering one another Police - you gotta place rules and boundaries on your partner because people are only as good as you’ll allow them to be Religion - love is in service of the Lord Sacrifice - love is just as much about what you give as what you’re willing to give up to demonstrate devotion to the other Science - love can be studied and explained through scientific theory just like anything else War - love is a power struggle ruled by  The other ones are: recover, science fiction, sewing, theater, travel, war, student-teacher, and a few more. Conversation starter pack What story of love are you currently subscribing to? Which ones are you aspiring to? What narratives are you trying to stay clear of and why? What love story was modeled for you growing up? Thanks to the sponsors of this episode! www.hungryroot.com/LOVERS for 30% off your first delivery and your free veggies.  http://www.carawayhome.com/lovers for 10% off www.betterhelp.com/lovers for 10% off your first month  www.zocdoc.com to download the free app Follow Shan: https://www.instagram.com/shanboodram https://www.tiktok.com/@shanboody https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCSE2Lr9RfYXiFtiX1jk5qng loversfriendspodcast@gmail.com Follow Raven:  https://www.instagram.com/pilatesbodyraven www.pilatesbodyraven.com https://www.tiktok.com/@pilatesbodyraven

We often talk about how men have an easier life, but I think at this point we can also agree that maintaining the identity of “a real man” is extremely hard. Masculinity is what I would call a wet fish identity - because like catching a fish with your bear hands - It’s hard to do, even harder to hold onto and incredibly easy to lose a grip on. And one of the fastest ways to call your capability of holding onto a wet fish into question, is to add more slick to the situation by crying. It’s one thing for a man to reveal his hurt, pain and insecurities - which you might recall we already discussed in episod 4 of Lovers and Friends, do we really want vulnerable men starring Aba n Preach. So what comes up for us when we see a man cry? And how do we deconstruct those feelings without tearing down the man or his masculinity in the process? These are all questions I wanted to pontificate with, with the man himself, Dominic Gabriel- a personality and mental health advocate best known from his appearances on Netflix's Perfect Match and The Mole. You may also recognize him from his viral Tik Toks OR from his brand new podcast Dom Meets World.  Conversation starter pack from this episode: What is masculinity? Is it something you have? Or something you have to earn and maintain? Is it a turnoff to see a man cry? Is it a turnon? Aren’t both of those responses equally as strange? What’s the healthier alternative? Is crying a useful expression regardless of gender? Should we all attempt to control it because it can be likened to losing your temper? How do we create an environment where people tasked with proving their masculinity, don’t feel like they have to keep up the audition in front of us? Thanks to the sponsors of this episode! Storyworth  https://www.storyworth.com/lovers to save $10 on your first purchase! Blissy  https://www.blissy.com/lovers Get better sleep now with Blissy and use LOVERS to get an additional 30% off at blissy.com/LOVERS Better Help  https://www.betterhelp.com/LOVERS for 10%off your first order  Hello Fresh  https://www.hellofresh.com/lovers16 Use code Lovers16 for 16 free meals  Follow Shan: https://www.instagram.com/shanboodram https://www.tiktok.com/@shanboody https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCSE2Lr9RfYXiFtiX1jk5qng loversfriendspodcast@gmail.com Follow Dom:  https://www.instagram.com/dontcalldom Follow the guys of ENJOY:  https://www.instagram.com/enjoyjaredbrady https://www.instagram.com/mrjustdavis https://www.instagram.com/datboykray https://www.instagra.com/blamelos

Did you know that every 7 seconds, a man thinks about sex? That's more than 500 times an hour and more than 12,000 times a day… And even though that sounds crazy, I’m sure it sounds familiar because this stat has circulated for decades. Now, myth-buster there is no scientific evidence to back this up, and studies that HAVE been done site that men think about sex an average of 19 times a day with the highest number of the study being around 380 thoughts a day and the lowest being once per day (which of course if you’re told to record how much you think about sex you’re gonna think about sex more and at the very least ONCE to note that your only thought about having sex that day was that you never thought about having sex…  Point being, in a society that’s conditioned us to believe that all day men dream about sex, what do we do when the man we’re with doesn’t want to have sex with us? That’s where we’re going on this episode featuring Drew Love. the lead singer of the popular R&B group THEY who just released their album Nu Moon, which is streaming everywhere now.  Thanks to the sponsors of this episode! Hello Fresh: https://www.hellofresh.com/lovers16 use code lovers16 for your free meals and free shipping! Dame: https://www.dameproducts.com/Lovers Enter code Lovers for 15% off  Lomi: Turn your food waste into dirt with the press of a button with Lomi. Use the code LOVERS to save $50  https://www.lomi.com/lovers Skims: Get free shipping on all orders over $75 https://www.skims.com Follow Shan: https://www.instagram.com/shanboodram https://www.tiktok.com/@shanboody https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCSE2Lr9RfYXiFtiX1jk5qng loversfriendspodcast@gmail.com Follow THEY:  https://www.instagram.com/they Follow Drew Love: https://www.instagram.com/drewlove

In this episode, I want to break down what I know about “knowing” someone is the one, before you know their true character. This isn’t meant to knock anyone who chooses to mate this way, because culturally a lot of us subscribe to the importance of instant attraction even if we don’t think we do - but instead to provide you with some knowledge that I wish I had before letting love at first sight lead me astray. Love at first sight is a global phenomenon - meaning no matter where you go, there it is in different languages, stories and beliefs. In this episode I define what love at first sight is, explain why the brain likes to do it, provide insight into how love at first sight might just be another brand of discrimination, explain how it can be used wisely and also share the dangers of placing a lot of emphasis on how couples met. Thanks to the sponsors of this episode! BLISSY http://blissy.com/LOVERS and get an additional 30% off!  BABBEL http://Babbel.com/LOVERS for up to 55% off your subscription. Babbel—Language for life. HELLO FRESH http://hellofresh.com/LOVERS50 for 50% off plus free shipping! Follow Shan: https://www.instagram.com/shanboodram https://www.tiktok.com/@shanboody https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCSE2Lr9RfYXiFtiX1jk5qng loversfriendspodcast@gmail.com

Let’s talk about submission! My fav definition of this comes from Hafeez who simply said to submit is to sub (be underneath) another person’s mission. Now, one of the main purposes of romantic relationships is to be stronger together - a concept we’ve gone into before when we discussed self expansion theory on episode 4 featuring Jeannie Mai. The Self expansion theory states that the best way to expand, together, is to take stock of each other’s strengths, then create a dynamic that aligns with that reality. But what happens when in the end of this audit, you realize that your strengths fall outside of traditional gender roles? And furthermore you realize that the man’s strengths are perfectly suited to aid in the woman’s success? How does it work and furthermore CAN it work when a man realizes his partner’s potential and then makes her mission, his main mission? That’s what we are going to be talking about on this episode featuring Jade Novah and Devin Johnson. Thanks to the sponsors of this episode. Hungryroot Go to http://www.hungryroot.com/LOVERS Use code LOVERS for 30% off your first order! That’s Hungryroot.com/LOVERS. Don’t forget to use our link, so they know we sent you. Betterhelp Discover your potential with BetterHelp Visit http://www.betterhlp.com/lovers That's www.betterhlp.com/lovers for 10% off your first month. Follow Jade: https://www.instagram.com/jadenovah/ Follow Devin: https://www.instagram.com/mrdevinaire/?hl=en Follow Shan: https://www.instagram.com/shanboodram https://www.tiktok.com/@shanboody https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCSE2Lr9RfYXiFtiX1jk5qng loversfriendspodcast@gmail.com

For women in their 30s, 1 in 5 will experience problems conceiving their first child. Deja Riley, our starring guest gives firsthand advice of what it's like to go through over two years of fertility treatments. A grueling experience that's cost her over $20,000 and almost her marriage. In this episode Deja tells all: her experience with IUI, IVF, miscarriage, a chemical pregnancy, eastern medicine, and finally surrender. To keep up with Deja's journey follow her Deja: http://instagram.com/Dejariley  @Doseofduality- her podcast http://Dejariley.com Follow our other special guests Krizia:  http://instagram.com/kriziacruz_ Krystal http://instagram.com/krystalfranklintv Thanks so much to the sponsors of this episode.  SKIMS Fits Everybody Collection https://www.skims.com LOMI Get $50 off your electric countertop composter by visiting https://www.lomi.com/LOVERS  Then using promocode LOVERS RITUAL and Synbiotic+ Get 10% off your first 3 months by visiting https://www.ritual.com/LOVERS  Follow Shan: https://www.instagram.com/shanboodram https://www.tiktok.com/@shanboody https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCSE2Lr9RfYXiFtiX1jk5qng loversfriendspodcast@gmail.com

In this episode, I sit down with my mom and sister to talk about our sex ed growing up and now as parents ourselves, what we believe is the most important lesson to teach our kids when it comes to sex and love... You'll also hear a good bit of a past episode that you can listen to in its entirety here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/lovers-and-friends-with-shan-boodram/id1586679298 I also explain how I plan to bring up conversations about sex to my daughters and what I hope they take away from those.  Thanks to the sponsors of this episode! Lume  New customers GET $5 OFF a Lume Starter Pack with code LOVERS at http://www.LumeDeodorant.com Intimissimi  Go to http://www.intimissimi.com/jlo ZocDoc:  http://www.ZOCDOC.com/LOVERS Betterhelp! Go to betterhelp.com/lovers for 10% off your first month! http://www.betterhelp.com/lovers Follow Lauren: https://www.maketheshiftcoach.com/ https://www.instagram.com/maketheshiftwithlauren/ Follow Shan: https://www.instagram.com/shanboodram https://www.tiktok.com/@shanboody https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCSE2Lr9RfYXiFtiX1jk5qng loversfriendspodcast@gmail.com

Up to 1 in 4 known pregnancies may end in miscarriage. For many of us, this stat is old news - but as we continue to have this conversation aloud after generations of keeping this pain private - what I do think is new is considering how the father feels about the loss. It seems like a no-brainer, but speaking from personal experience, it hadn’t really crossed my mind until recently. So, let’s talk about it with our special guest Mike Johnson on this episode of Lovers and Friends. According to a study conducted by School of Sciences fathers displayed less “active grief” than their female partners, BUT they were more vulnerable to feelings of despair and difficulty in coping 8 weeks following the loss. The National Library of Medicine found that of 40 men who’s partner had a miscarriage, 59% said they had a deepened awareness of the fragility of life, 45% mourned the loss of their family’s hopes and dreams, 40% reported a strong sense of vulnerability and powerlessness to help their wife and half did not share feelings with their partner at all. These are numbers that I believe our starring guest can bring a face too, and this is a face you might recognize. Mike Johnson has already been a guest on Lovers and Friends in one of our biggest episodes “Tall, Dark, Handsome and Sexually Insecure.” Follow Mike Johnson http://instagram.com/mike_johnson https://www.feelingseen.com/ Thanks to the sponsors of this episode. Hungryroot! Just go to Hungryroot.com/LOVERS, to get 30% off your first delivery and get your free veggies. Intimissimi Go to intimissimi.com/jlo again thats intimissimi.com/jlo Betterhelp! Go to betterhelp.com/lovers for 10% off your first month! Follow Shan: https://www.instagram.com/shanboodram https://www.tiktok.com/@shanboody https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCSE2Lr9RfYXiFtiX1jk5qng loversfriendspodcast@gmail.com Sources: https://time.com/3982471/men-are-the-forgotten-grievers-in-miscarriage/ https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/8064426/ https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/02646839908404587#.Vb9xQc4qefQ

Open relationships. Now, you can clutch them pearls and raise those eyebrows all you want to, but this conversation is not going away - especially not in America.  Using two separate samples based on the U.S. Census, researchers found that one-fifth of the population in the United States has engaged in consensual non-monogamy at some point in their lives and if the trend continues, the only place this number is going is up. So… are open relationships the bandaid, the cure or the curse of our generation? And furthermore, how do you actually start one? Like for real? Let’s talk about it on this episode of Lovers and Friends. We have a loaded conversation between our starring guests on this episode, Swaggy C and Bayleigh. A married couple with a new baby, but an old, inactive desire to explore consensual non-monogamy within their marriage. There are a lot of themes to pull from this interview like: what happens when non-monogamy is one person’s yum and the other’s yea I guess if that will make you happy… OR the dangers of using non-monogamy as a punishment for unfulfillment… OR the joys/ struggles of having a partner who is supportive of your desires, but not all the way cooperative. However what stood out to me in this episode is how to go from being curious to actually being actively open...for real. FOLLOW THE GUESTS ON THIS EPISODE Follow Bayleigh: https://www.instagram.com/bayydayy https://www.youtube.com/c/SwayleighGang https://www.tiktok.com/@bayydayyy Follow Chris “Swaggy C”: https://www.instagram.com/swaggyctv https://www.youtube.com/@KingSwaggy Follow Dr. Monica:  https://www.therapyforqpoc.com therapyforqpoc@gmail.com THANKS TO THE SPONSOR OF THIS EPISODE BET Watch Zatima starring Crystal Renee Hayslett and Devale Ellis by joining the millions who stream Black culture at http://www.bet.plus Better Help Discover your potential with BetterHelp.  http://www.betterhelp.com/lovers for 10% off your first month.  Hello Fresh Try America’s #1 Meal Kit for yourself. Get 60% off plus free shipping.  Http://www.hellofresh.com/lovers60 Dipsea Explore your fantasies or get inspired with a 30 day free trial now.  http://www.dipsea.com/lovers Follow Shan: https://www.instagram.com/shanboodram https://www.tiktok.com/@shanboody https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCSE2Lr9RfYXiFtiX1jk5qng loversfriendspodcast@gmail.com Open relationship reading list From Dr. Monica:  IG Educational Pages  ·      Evita Sawyers | @lavitaloca34 ·      Chanee Jackson Kendall | @chaneespeaks ·      Jhen | @monogamishpod ·      Kevin Patterson | @polyrolemodels ·      @polyamouraousblackgirl ·      Leanne Yau | @polyphiliablog   Books  ·      Pre-Order | A Polyamory Devotional: 365 Daily Reflections for the Consensually Non-monogamous | Evita Sawyers ·      Love is Not Colorblind | Kevin Patterson ·      Polysecure | Jessica Fern ·      The Ethical Slut | Hardy & Easton  ·      More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory | Ricket & Veaux ·      Polyamory & Jealousy | Ricket & Veaux