The Self-Driven Child

This Thanksgiving episode tackles the inevitable family drama that comes with the holiday. I sat down with parenting experts Phyllis L. Fagell and Dr. Robyn Silverman to get their tips for navigating tricky conversations and situations with family members. We covered how to set expectations beforehand, validate kids' feelings without agreeing, use humor to defuse tense moments, and provide coping tools for when things go off the rails. The goal is to make the holiday more enjoyable for everyone - kids and adults alike! Tune in for practical strategies to make this Thanksgiving drama-free.I was joined by two of my favorite parenting experts:·         Phyllis L. Fagell, school counselor and author of “Middle School Superpowers: Raising Resilient Tweens in Turbulent Times”.·         Dr. Robyn Silverman, child and teen development specialist and author of “How to Talk to Kids about Anything: Tips, Scripts, Stories, and Steps to Make Even the Toughest Conversations Easier”. Timeline Summary:[02:00] How to set expectations with family beforehand.[03:57] Understanding kids' sensitivity around changes in their appearance.[06:09] Making sure adults are aware of their own triggers.[09:36] Giving kids an “out” if conversations get uncomfortable.[12:18] Redirecting family away from constant questions about school.[14:06] Using humor and screens to diffuse tense moments.[18:08] Coaching kids on sharing funny videos/memes.[19:29] Helping kids not feel “on the spot” in conversations.[22:10] Getting to know grandparents as real people, not just authority figures.[23:08] Alternatives to repetitive questions about school.[27:25] Validating kids' feelings when things go wrong.[31:53] Agreeing on facts versus feelings.[33:07] Using different coping mechanisms based on the child.[35:05] Having distractions/diversions ready when things go downhill.[35:50] Importance of food and blood sugar levels. Links & Resources:·         Washington Post Article: Getting silly with your kids is vital. Here’s how to get play into your day.·         Phyllis L. Fagell: https://phyllisfagell.com/ ·         Dr. Robyn Silverman: o   Website: https://www.drrobynsilverman.com o   Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/DrRobynSilverman/  I hope these practical tips help make Thanksgiving a little smoother for your family! If you enjoyed this episode, don’t forget to rate, follow, share, and review. Happy Thanksgiving!If you have a high school aged student and would like to talk about putting a tutoring or college plan together, reach out to Ned's company, PrepMatters at www.prepmatters.com

I'm joined by my co-host and co-author of The Self-Driven Child Dr. William Stixrud to discuss how to be a non-anxious presence for your kids when things feel stressful and scary in the world. As parents and educators, modeling calmness and confidence helps children feel braver.Dr. Bill Stixrud is a clinical neuropsychologist and co-author of the bestselling books The Self-Driven Child and What Do You Say? His work focuses on supporting kids to build resilience, motivation, and handle anxiety. Timeline Summary:[00:39] - Introducing the idea of a "non-anxious presence" and why it's so valuable for kids.[02:43] - Where Dr. Stixrud first came across this concept and what it means.[04:37] - Children look to parents' reactions in stressful situations. Staying calm helps kids feel confident.[06:16] - Accepting worst-case scenarios while remaining motivated to support your child.[09:23] - Taking care of yourself models self-care and brings equilibrium.[11:06] - The benefits of scheduling prescribed worry time.[12:40] - Dr. Stixrud's 50-year meditation practice for managing stress.[15:43] - Rats turning a wheel to activate the prefrontal cortex and reduce stress.[18:31] - Validating children's difficult feelings while emphasizing their competence.[21:02] - Making home a safe haven and modeling handling hard emotions.[22:35] - The recipe for developing resilience: stress plus rest and recovery.[24:09] - Being calm helps other people manage crises better.[25:50] - Good sleep gives perspective on challenges.[27:27] - Wishing for peace in the Middle East. Moving towards non-anxious presence. Links & Resources:·         The Self-Driven Child by Bill Stixrud and Ned Johnson·         What Do You Say? by Bill Stixrud and Ned Johnson If you found this episode helpful, please rate, follow, share, and review the Self Driven Podcast. Being a non-anxious presence helps kids handle hard things. Look for opportunities to model calmness, confidence, and coping. Wishing you peace in unsettled times.If you have a high school aged student and would like to talk about putting a tutoring or college plan together, reach out to Ned's company, PrepMatters at www.prepmatters.com

In this insightful interview, I am joined by my friend and co-author Dr. William Stixrud to speak with child development specialist Dr. Robyn Silverman. We discuss her new book, How to Talk with Kids About Anything. We dive into tough but critical conversations like handling big emotions, building self-esteem, making mistakes, and forming friendships. Dr. Silverman shares valuable advice and scripts for connecting with kids through their triumphs and tribulations. Her vast experience and research is distilled into an accessible guide for parents and caregivers. Don’t miss her incredible insights on empowering kids to handle life’s ups and downs. This conversation overflows with compassion and tools to foster healthy communication.Dr. Robyn Silverman is a renowned child and teen development specialist seen frequently on national television programs. Her podcast “How to Talk with Kids About Anything” offers incredible wisdom from leading experts. Dr. William Stixrud and I have been guests sharing approaches from The Self-Driven Child. Now we have the tables turned and get to ask Dr. Silverman about her must-read new book. Timeline Summary:[02:26] – Starting the podcast after being bullied as a child when adults didn’t know what to say.[05:00] – The importance of giving kids words and understanding to handle life’s challenges.[06:28] – Emotional inhibition and invalidation lead kids to become more dysregulated over time.[08:33] – Discussing the benefits and catharsis of expressing sadness.[09:47] – Anger often masks hurt; getting underneath to find the real issue.[12:36] – Assuring kids of unconditional love, regardless of mistakes.[17:11] – Identifying when sadness becomes persistent depression.[19:39] – Allowing kids to go through the “tunnel” of hard feelings is better than taking those feelings away.[22:58] – Fostering self-esteem by celebrating kids’ unique strengths.[26:51] – Toxic perfectionism and low self-esteem start early and plague high achievers.[30:15] – The power of observing vs praise in building kids’ self-esteem.[33:08] – Guiding kids to recognize and leave toxic friendships.[35:58] – Sharing stories of famous failures to reframe mistakes as learning.[40:04] – Modeling imperfection and apologies fosters empathy in kids.[44:40] – Long parenting relationships mean we keep learning as kids grow. Connect with Dr. Robyn Silverman:·         Robyn’s Podcast: How to Talk to Kids About Anything·         Robyn’s Book: How to Talk with Kids About Anything Links & Resources:·         Book: Raising a Kid Who Can Thank you so much for tuning in to this episode. If you found it insightful, I urge you to share it with others. And hey, if you enjoyed it, please don't forget to rate, follow, and review our podcast. Your support means the world to us. Until the next time, remember to love your kids and stay curious!If you have a high school aged student and would like to talk about putting a tutoring or college plan together, reach out to Ned's company, PrepMatters at www.prepmatters.com

I’m thrilled to have Lenore Skenazy, founder of the Free-Range Kids movement, as my guest on the show today. Lenore has been sounding the alarm about childhood anxiety and overprotection for years, and she shares powerful insights from psychology professor Camilo Ortiz’s recent research on how independence - not just accommodation - can help anxious kids thrive. Timeline Summary:[00:53] - Introducing Lenore Skenazy and the Free-Range Parenting movement.[02:09] – Lenore’s New York Times article about how we’ve increasingly deprived kids of independence.[06:15] - Camilo Ortiz tried “independence therapy” with anxious kids.[08:33] - This therapy works like cognitive behavioral therapy but starting with intrinsic motivation.[14:13] - Overprotection may make kids scared, not the world itself being scary. [16:19] - Taking away autonomy means no problem-solving.[19:03] - Trying to protect makes kids anxious. Independence provides chances to gain optimism.[24:32] - Activities create intrinsic motivation to overcome obstacles and build resilience.[27:17] - We’ve taken the foot off the developmental brake.[32:02] - Schools are ideal for “Let Grow” projects, normalizing independence among peers.[33:33] - Holding kids back sends a dangerous message.[43:32] - We must give kids freedom so they become brave, resilient adults. Connect with Lenore Skenazy:·         LetGrow.org·         Free-Range Kids·         The New York Times: Anxious Kids Need to Learn Independence. Here’s How Parents Can HelpLinks & Resources:·         The Croods Krispy Bear Dies! ·         The National Library of Medicine: Learned Helplessness at Fifty: Insights from Neuroscience·         Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar ChildrenThank you so much for tuning in to this episode. If you found it insightful, I urge you to share it with others. And hey, if you enjoyed it, please don't forget to rate, follow, and review our podcast. Your support means the world to us. Until the next time, remember to love your kids and stay curious!If you have a high school aged student and would like to talk about putting a tutoring or college plan together, reach out to Ned's company, PrepMatters at www.prepmatters.com

Award-winning journalist Jennifer Wallace discusses the damaging effects of parental pressures and societal expectations on children's mental health and well-being. They delve into the importance of sleep for anxious teens, the impact of achievement culture on grades, and the need for positive interactions and autonomy in parenting. A thought-provoking episode on balancing success without sacrificing mental well-being.

In this enlightening conversation with the brilliant Dr. Donna Henderson, we delve into a topic that's close to my heart: autism. We attempt to debunk common misconceptions, discuss the true prevalence of the condition, and explore the challenges faced by those living with autism. Dr. Henderson also shares insights from her new book, "Is This Autism?" and offers an in-depth look at the key criteria for diagnosing autism. Whether you're a parent, a teacher, or just someone looking to understand autism better, this episode is packed with valuable information.[00:41] - The common misconceptions about autism and the prevalence of autism.[08:55] - A personal anecdote about having an autistic daughter and the challenges she faces. Dr. Henderson explains how autism is a "neurological mismatch," not a character flaw.[11:26] - Discussion on the unique challenges faced by autistic individuals in social situations and the criteria used to diagnose autism.[15:05] - A case study on a student with autism and how his condition impacts his social interactions.[18:13] - Evolution of autism symptoms over time and whether individuals can "grow out" of it or learn to mask it.[20:33] - Conversation about unique habits of autistic individuals, such as flexing toes in shoes during intense situations.[26:05] - Dustin Hoffman's portrayal of an autistic character.[34:20] - Discussion about the emotional and cognitive taxing that socializing can have on autistic individuals.[28:09] – I share my experience as a boy with physical symptoms.[41:46] – Cautionary tale about making presumptions about another person’s autism diagnosis.[48:34] - Importance of educators being curious and open to learning about their students' unique experiences.[49:38] - Dr. Henderson discusses her book, "Is this Autism?"[50:01] - I share my experience as a parent.Links & Resources·         Dr. Donna Henderson's Website: https://www.drdonnahenderson.com/ ·         Is this Autism? Book Website: https://www.isthisautism.com/ Thank you so much for tuning in to this episode. If you found it insightful, I urge you to share it with others. And hey, if you enjoyed it, please don't forget to rate, follow, and review our podcast. Your support means the world to us. Until the next time, remember to love your kids and stay curious!If you have a high school aged student and would like to talk about putting a tutoring or college plan together, reach out to Ned's company, PrepMatters at www.prepmatters.com

Ever wondered why middle school can feel like a turbulent ride not just for kids, but for parents too? In this episode, we dive deep into the world of middle schoolers with our special guest, Phyllis Fagell. Phyllis, a seasoned middle school counselor, shares her unique insights into the complexities of adolescence, identity formation, and the pivotal role that parents and educators play. Whether you're a parent, educator, or simply curious about the intricacies of this developmental stage, this episode offers a fresh perspective. Phyllis debunks some common misconceptions about the middle school experience and provides valuable strategies to navigate this often misunderstood phase.Timeline Summary[0:00] How to talk with kids to build motivation, stress tolerance, and a happy home.[6:38] Middle school is a phase of enormous growth and development, not suffering.[10:51] What should we look for when we see bullying.[15:00] Being different makes you a target in middle school, it’s associated with bullying.[20:52] How to talk to your kids so they don’t feel like they’re disappointed in you.[22:47] Where do we get the crazy idea that in order to help kids do better, we have to make them feel worse?[26:21] What is it about the brains of kids at this age?[33:52] When children identify with a core value, it improves academic performance in a way that persists.[37:43] The importance of having male influences in a boy’s life.[43:03] Why is it so hard for parents and schools to help kids with racial and ethnic differences?[48:46] What’s the difference between a real apology vs. a “sorry”?[57:03] Why is it so hard for parents to love their kids for who they are?Links & Resources- Phyllis's website: phyllisfagell.com - Phyllis's book, Middle School Matters: phyllisfagell.com/middle-school-matters/I hope you enjoy this episode of "The Self-Driven Child". If you found our conversation with Phyllis Fagell insightful, please take a moment to rate and follow our podcast, share this episode with others, and leave a review. Your feedback helps us bring more meaningful content to you. Thanks for tuning in!If you have a high school aged student and would like to talk about putting a tutoring or college plan together, reach out to Ned's company, PrepMatters at www.prepmatters.com

In today’s episode, I have an important conversation with Ron Leiber, the Your Money columnist for the New York Times. He’s also the author of, The Price You Pay for College, the book we discuss during the podcast. He has some fascinating insights. I hope you will find them valuable! [1:50] Introducing Ron Lieber[3:01] Why he wrote The Price You Pay For College: An Entirely New Roadmap For The Biggest Financial Decision Your Family Will Ever Make[5:16] How much does college actually cost nowadays? [7:04] What is merit aid?[10:09] The “Chivas Regal” effect[12:14] Negative effects of merit aid[14:08] The complexity of the college aid system [17:45] Balancing expectations and cost[23:23] What are the three things you buy when you pay for a college education?[27:02] Different classes’ considerations regarding colleges[32:25] Parents’ and teens’ reasons for college attendance[34:29] Questions to ask & resources[37:39] The value of attending a diverse college[41:00] Psychological safety for marginalized people[47:28] Crucial considerations for all parents of college-bound kids[50:17] The financial serenity prayer[52:04] Final thoughtsLinks & Resources:New York Times Your Money column by Ron Lieber: https://www.nytimes.com/column/your-moneyRon's book: The Price You Pay for College: https://www.amazon.com/Price-You-Pay-College-Financial/dp/0062867318/Thank you for joining us in this insightful discussion with Ron Lieber, where we dove into the complexities of college costs and the considerations every parent and student should make. From understanding the true price of college to navigating merit aid and creating psychological safety for marginalized groups, we hope this conversation has shed light on these important topics. We believe these are necessary discussions for fostering a self-driven child. Until next time, continue to explore, learn, and support your children in their journey to becoming self-driven individuals.If you have a high school aged student and would like to talk about putting a tutoring or college plan together, reach out to Ned's company, PrepMatters at www.prepmatters.com

In this episode, I speak with Jess Lahey about her latest book, The Addiction Inoculation, and what she learned from her work as a teacher at a drug and alcohol rehab for adolescents. Jess talks candidly about the effects of alcohol and drug use on developing brains and provides parents with tips for having age appropriate discussions about the topic with their children and teenagers. Jess also shares how genetics, parenting styles, and education can all play a role in both risk and protective measures against child substance abuse. Join us for valuable insights into navigating how to raise healthy kids and prevent substance use disorder in children.Timestamps:[02:11] Introducing Jess Lahey.[03:27] What does an alcoholic look like?[05:39] Defining “substance use disorder”.[09:56] What should we know about substance abuse and developing brains?[16:28] The role of genetics and epigenetics on substance abuse.[21:33] Looking at the brain in early childhood and mindfulness.[29:53] Substance abuse and arrested development.[32:02] How to frame and encourage positive risk in adolescents.[34:56] Jess Lahey compares different schools of thought in addiction science and substance abuse.[38:49] What are the impacts of different parenting styles?[42:56] The importance of self-efficacy.[47:17] How to make education feel more relevant and connected for children and teens.[52:47] Jess Lahey discusses the importance of family connection with examples.[01:00:13] Jess Lahey talks about navigating her son’s friendship with a peer struggling with substance abuse.[01:04:37] Final question and piece of advice.After listening to our conversation, I hope you and your child are able to approach the topic of addiction and substance abuse with clarity and compassion.Resources:The Gift of Failure by Jessica Lahey: https://www.amazon.com/Gift-Failure-Parents-Children-Succeed/dp/0062299255 The Addiction Inoculation by Jessica Lahey: https://www.amazon.com/Addiction-Inoculation-Raising-Healthy-Dependence/dp/006288378X Jessica’s website: https://www.jessicalahey.com/ If you have a high school aged student and would like to talk about putting a tutoring or college plan together, reach out to Ned's company, PrepMatters at www.prepmatters.com

In today’s episode of The Self-Driven Child, I interview Eli Lebowitz, the creator of the concept SPACE, or Supportive Parenting of Anxious Childhood Emotions. He is helping parents and kids break the cycle of chronic stress. We discuss how to help our kids cope with uncertainty or a lack of control over situations. I’m so excited to share this conversation with you – Bill and I are huge fans of Eli’s work, and we feel so fortunate to spread the word about the SPACE concept. I hope you enjoy it! Timestamps:[2:48] Why he wrote Breaking Free of Child Anxiety and OCD[4:35] The pandemic’s effect on childhood anxiety[6:10] Is it regular anxiety or an anxiety disorder?[10:50] The value of coping mechanisms [11:15] The heart of anxiety disorders [13:37] Helping with anxiety comes from a place of love [17:24] Empathy helps parents with this process[21:22] How anxiety can present in families [23:44] The NUTS and bolts of anxiety[25:27] Addressing anxiety widens a child’s world[27:58] The traps parents fall into [35:38] Accommodations for anxious kids[38:56] Moving toward letting kids feel anxiety sometimes[42:47] Teaching kids to be the hero of their anxiety story[44:05] The problems of always accommodating kids’ anxieties[47:51] Preventing learned helplessness[50:23] The value of a plan & where to start[58:00] Final thoughtsResources:Breaking Free from Child Anxiety and OCD: https://www.amazon.com/Breaking-Free-Child-Anxiety-Scientifically/dp/0190883529More about the guest: Professor Lebowitz is the Director of the Program for Anxiety Disorders at the Yale Child Study Center, where she researches and treats anxiety in children and adolescents. His work investigates the genetic and hereditary factors that have a role in the onset and maintenance of anxiety and associated diseases. Dr. Lebowitz has written extensively on child and adolescent anxiety and is the primary researcher on several grant-supported studies.If you have a high school aged student and would like to talk about putting a tutoring or college plan together, reach out to Ned's company, PrepMatters at www.prepmatters.com