New Research: The Surprising Psychology Behind the Secrets Everyone Keeps & What Your Secrets Say About You
Aug 31, 2023
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Dr. Michael Slepian, a bestselling author and psychologist, dives into the intriguing world of secrets and their psychological impacts. He reveals that you likely hold 13 secrets, five of which you haven’t told anyone. The discussion uncovers the significant emotional weight of secrecy and how it can harm relationships and self-esteem. Learn the crucial difference between privacy and secrecy, and why sharing your burdens can lead to liberation. Insights into childhood secrecy add depth to understanding personal connections and emotional health.
Keeping secrets can negatively impact self-esteem, relationships, and overall well-being.
People often keep secrets as a way of problem-solving, but they can become burdensome when emotional struggles are involved.
Sharing secrets with others can deepen relationships and provide relief and growth.
Deep dives
The Impact of Secrets on Our Lives
Secrets can have a profound impact on our lives, affecting our self-esteem, relationships, and overall well-being. They can weigh on us emotionally and mentally, leading to feelings of shame, isolation, and inauthenticity. Keeping a secret is often seen as the easy part, while living with it alone in our thoughts can be the most challenging aspect. Secrets can create a sense of burden, making the world seem more challenging and hindering our ability to tackle what lies ahead. It is important to recognize the harmful effects of secrets and the need to find healthy ways to address and resolve them.
The Nature of Secrets
Secrets are a common part of human experience, with research showing that individuals typically have 13 secrets at any given time. These secrets span various categories, including telling significant lies, romantic desires, financial matters, sexual behavior, family secrets, and more. Often, people keep secrets not only because they want to hide certain information, but also because they associate secrecy with problem-solving. However, secrets can become burdensome when they involve emotional struggles or topics that would benefit from sharing and seeking support. It is important to recognize the potential harm of secrecy and the value of open and honest communication.
Navigating Family Secrets and Approaching Difficult Conversations
Family secrets are particularly complicated and can have long-lasting effects on individuals and relationships. It is crucial to be mindful of burdening children with secrets, as this can create unhealthy dynamics and hinder their ability to seek help and communicate effectively. When contemplating revealing a family secret to someone, it is essential to consider the motivation behind sharing, the potential impact on the person, and seek guidance from a third party if needed. The coping compass can serve as a helpful tool in identifying the right person to confide in and navigate these difficult conversations.
Sharing Secrets Can Strengthen Relationships
One of the main insights from the podcast is that sharing secrets with others can actually bring people closer together. The host and the guest emphasize that when someone confides in another person, it creates an opportunity for deepening the relationship and fostering understanding. They discuss the importance of choosing the right person to share secrets with, whether it be a compassionate friend or an assertive friend who can offer solutions. They emphasize the idea that holding on to a secret can keep one isolated, whereas sharing it can lead to relief and growth.
Differentiating Between Secrets and Privacy
In this podcast episode, the host and the guest delve into distinguishing between secrets and privacy. They explain that not everything unknown to others about an individual is a secret. Some things may remain private because they have never come up in conversation, or they are topics that individuals choose not to discuss. However, they highlight that secrets are intentional withholdings of information, usually due to shame or fear. They talk about the destructive effects of shame and the importance of recognizing the difference between feeling guilty about an action and branding oneself as a bad person. They encourage the audience to shift their mindset from being defined by their actions to learning from their mistakes and moving forward.
In today’s episode, you and I are discussing the fascinating science of secrets: why you keep them and how keeping secrets directly impacts your relationships, your self-esteem, your health, and holds you back from living the life you deserve.
Dr. Michael Slepian is a bestselling author, psychologist, associate professor of leadership and ethics at Columbia Business School, and former scholar at Stanford. He has been researching secrets for over a decade and will help you understand what secrets are, why we keep them, and the harm of holding them inside.
Dr. Slepian's research is shocking: studies prove you are keeping 13 secrets right now. 5 of which you’ve never told a single person. Not your mom. Not your best friend. No one. Even more shocking is the impact they have on your life.
My mission today is to help you free yourself of the burden of secrets.
Listen and you’ll understand how the secrets we have shape our physical and psychological well-being, who we are, how we connect with others, and how we cope with our challenges.
You will also learn:
The most common secret that 61% of you are keeping right now.
Why you always feel shame, isolation, and uncertainty when you keep a secret.
The fundamental difference between secrecy and privacy, and why privacy is better for your health and relationships.
Why the shame of secrecy kills your self-esteem.
How to use guilt to get rid of shame (yup).
How babies learn to keep secrets from their parents and caregivers.
The one person you should REALLY tell your secret to.
Keeping a secret is the easy part; the hard part is having to live with it.
Let’s change that today.
Xo, Mel
In this episode:
2:00: The jaw-dropping secret that inspired this conversation today.
9:45: Curious about the kinds of secrets people keep? Here are the top 10.
11:50: How exactly do we define a secret?
14:45: Are there any good secrets?
15:45: Don’t feel too bad; we’re not the only animals that keep secrets.
18:00: Keeping the secret isn’t the hard part; the hardest part is this.
21:00: Listen to the secrets my listeners revealed. Recognize yourself?
24:45: Some secrets are no big deal but we make them big in our heads.
28:00: So what’s the difference between privacy and a secret?
31:00: Here’s how to frame a mistake, instead of feeling shame.
33:30: Research finds keeping serious secrets as kids can impact us as adults.
35:30: Here’s what parents should say when their kids admit a secret to them.
38:00: What do you say when friends keep you out of the group?
39:40: How do you tell your partner that you’re having an emotional affair?
42:30: The family secrets parents should never reveal to their children.
47:15: What about traumatic family secrets?
50:00: Choose the person who is your “coping compass” wisely.
54:30: Questions you can ask anyone to develop a closer relationship.
59:50: Here’s my hardest memory and what I realize about it now.
Want more resources? Go to my podcast page at melrobbins.com.
