Life Kit How to maintain emotional intimacy in long-term relationships
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Dec 9, 2025 
James Cordova, a psychologist and professor focused on intimacy in relationships, shares his wisdom with interviewer Andy Tegel. They explore the 'porcupine's dilemma,' highlighting the balance between closeness and vulnerability. Cordova emphasizes the importance of attention in nurturing emotional intimacy and suggests daily rituals like morning check-ins to sustain connection. Mindfulness and nonverbal cues are discussed as essential practices, along with the need for kindness and curiosity in long-term relationships.
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Closeness Brings Inevitable Friction
- The "porcupine's dilemma" shows closeness increases accidental pain, so vulnerability brings inevitable friction.
- James Cordova says intimacy requires ongoing effort despite those painful quill moments.
Comfort ≠ Emotional Interweaving
- Comfortable, orbiting relationships can feel stable yet lack emotional interweaving and vibrancy.
- Couples may excel at tasks like parenting but still not trust each other with tender parts, James Cordova warns.
Pay Attention On Purpose
- Give your partner deliberate, focused attention as a daily practice to nurture connection.
- James Cordova recommends bringing mindful, loving attention to your partner to grow intimacy.
