Improving our ability to understand others' thoughts and feelings is crucial for building stronger relationships.
Investing time, vulnerability, and consistent quality communication are essential for deepening and sustaining fulfilling friendships.
Prioritizing effective communication, proactive problem-solving, and celebrating individual growth can help build and maintain strong and happy marriages.
Deep dives
Understanding the Limitations of First Impressions and Reading Others
Research shows that while we can make accurate assessments of a person's personality from first impressions, we are not good at reading their thoughts and feelings. To improve this, we should focus on making others more readable rather than solely working on our own reading abilities. Opening up conversations, asking unanticipated questions, and concentrating on the person's voice rather than body language can help in better understanding others.
The Complex Nature of Friendship
Despite not making evolutionary sense, friendships are crucial for our happiness and well-being. Research suggests that as we grow closer to someone emotionally, our brains overlap in how we perceive ourselves and our friends. To strengthen friendships, investing time and vulnerability are key. Spending consistent quality time and engaging in meaningful conversations can deepen the bond. Actively showing support, celebrating joys, and being present in their lives help in building and sustaining fulfilling friendships.
Navigating the Challenges of Relationships
Modern marriages face both advantages and disadvantages. With the freedom to choose partners, marriages can be more fulfilling, but they also tend to be less stable. The key is to prioritize effective communication, proactive problem-solving, and celebrating each other's growth. Increasing positive sentiment override through exciting experiences, understanding each other's needs and desires, and supporting the development of individual aspirations can help build and maintain strong, happy relationships.
Recognizing the Negative Impact of Frenemies
Frenemies, or ambivalent relationships, have been found to be worse for our well-being than outright enemies. The uncertainty and inconsistent behavior in these relationships cause stress and can harm emotional and physical health. Setting boundaries, spending less time with frenemies, and focusing on maintaining transactional relationships when necessary can help mitigate the negative effects.
The Importance of Rewriting Your Relationship Story
The way we perceive and talk about our relationships matters. Constructing a positive and growth-oriented narrative helps nurture a healthier relationship. Celebrating challenges overcome within the relationship, emphasizing positive moments, and engaging in open and ongoing communication can contribute to a fulfilling and enduring partnership.
We've all heard by now just how important strong relationships are to our health and well-being. But a lot of the common advice and conventional wisdom out there about how to build stronger relationships doesn't end up taking us closer to that goal.
My guest today has spent years sorting through what really builds better friendships, reignites love, and helps people get closer to others, and he shares these research-backed insights in his new book: Plays Well with Others: The Surprising Science Behind Why Everything You Know About Relationships Is (Mostly) Wrong. Eric shares what he's learned today on the show, beginning with why we're good at figuring out someone's personality from the moment we meet them, but bad at reading their thoughts and feelings, and how to get better at the latter by making other people more readable, as well as how to make a better first impression yourself. We then turn to what makes friendship a unique relationship that makes us uniquely happy, and the two "costly signals" that most develop friendship. We also get into why friends we feel ambivalent about are actually worse for us than outright enemies. We spend the last part of our conversation on how the modern age is both the worst and the best time for marriage, and how the key to ensuring that yours is one of the happiest in history is maintaining positive sentiment override.