Dr. Stuart Shanker, author of the Self-Reg trilogy, dives into the crucial role of self-regulation in child development. He emphasizes the difference between self-regulation and self-control, urging a compassionate perspective on children's behavior. The conversation covers how stress impacts children’s ability to delay gratification and introduces a five-step method to identify misbehavior vs. stress-induced actions. Shanker also discusses misconceptions around IQ testing and stress, offering insights into enhancing self-awareness and emotional communication.
Self-regulation focuses on managing stress rather than impulse control, essential for understanding children's complex behaviors in various situations.
The self-regulation of parents and educators directly influences children's ability to cope with stress, highlighting the importance of adults managing their own stress levels.
Deep dives
Understanding Self-Regulation
Self-regulation differs significantly from self-control, focusing on how individuals manage stress rather than merely controlling impulses. This distinction is crucial in understanding children's behaviors; many misinterpret reactions to stress as willful misbehavior. When children exhibit what is perceived as bad behavior, it often stems from being overstressed rather than intentional disobedience. Recognizing this fundamental difference can help adults support rather than punish, leading to transformative outcomes for children who are struggling.
The Impact of Stress on Children
Overstressed children often exhibit maladaptive behaviors, which can be compounded by various environmental factors and societal pressures. Examples of stressors include physical, emotional, cognitive, and social demands, many of which interact and exacerbate each other. As societal stress levels rise, the symptoms manifest not just in individual children but across generations, affecting their ability to achieve restorative sleep and recover from stress. Acknowledging the complexity and variety of stressors is essential for addressing the well-being of not just children but also adults surrounding them.
Dopamine and Instant Gratification
The hook model relates to how children are increasingly driven to seek immediate dopamine rewards as a coping mechanism for stress, often leading to unhealthy behaviors. This behavior can result from various factors, including societal manipulation that caters to cravings for quick emotional relief. Furthermore, studies indicate that the inability to manage stress effectively correlates with patterns of instant gratification. By understanding the relationship between dopamine release and stress levels, caregivers can better support children in developing healthier coping mechanisms.
The Need for Parent Self-Regulation
The self-regulation of parents and educators is pivotal in helping children learn to manage their own stress effectively. When adults are overstressed, their ability to provide comforting support diminishes, often leaking negative emotions that children pick up on. This dynamic creates barriers to effective communication and stress resolution between adults and children. Thus, it becomes essential for parents and teachers to monitor and manage their stress levels to create a supportive environment conducive to healing and learning.
Dr Stuart Shanker is the author of the Self-Reg trilogy: Calm, Alert and Learning: Classroom Strategies for Self-Regulation; Self-Reg: How to Help Your Child (and You) Break the Stress Cycle and Successfully Engage with Life; Reframed: Self-Reg for a Just Society.
You can find out more about Dr Shanker and his work at
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